Sweet Caroline and Thomas

Three Years

2012-01-03T19:59:00.001-06:00

How can it have been three years since that terrible day?
Becky and I have talked lately about how our minds(sin?) try to take us back to re-living the entire nightmarish day. I didn't realize other people go through that struggle as well (it's not something anyone wants to really talk about, you know?) I cannot see any good at all in walking through those memories so we both have found it very effective to just say "Stop!" (out loud if need be) and start praying and reciting scripture. Maybe no one else has this problem, but I thought I'd let others who do know what works for us. It re-focuses me, I can break free from that day and move on to the happy memories or being grateful for where we are now.

Reflecting on the last three years, I cannot believe all that has happened. I joke (although it is all too true) that according to the life stress test we take in Intro to Psychology, I should be in a mental hospital or worse...but somehow I have managed to make it. And not just make it, but thrive. Thanks be to God from whom all blessings flow.

Tyler and I have been organizing our house which feels so great and yet, the timing is a little off with the high emotions of this week and stumbling onto tons of old pictures and memorabilia.
Then as I think about it, I don't think the timing is off at all. I'm tired of waving things off as coincidence when of course God is in control and knows what I need at all times. (Why is this so hard to remember?!)
He decided to give me several gifts this week of times when He was transparent; such a rare gift it seems: As I was flipping through pictures of high school trips with Thomas, early college years and then our wedding pics, right when I thought I'd slip into the pit of despair, the next picture was of Hannah Grace at one year old. How in the world did that picture end up in that pile of pictures I will never know this side of heaven, but I don't have to know how. I know why. God was yelling at me "Bonnie--Don't go to that sadness pit, they (thomas and hannah) are fine! You and all that are still living are the ones dealing with the pain! Not them. EVERYONE will suffer loss of a loved one, Be still child and know that I am GOD, I am with you!"
I immediately felt a peace that shoved out the darkness which was threatening to overtake me. Thank you God for this miracle moment.

It's the way He works, through moments big and small. Thank you, God, that I can recognize you in ways I never did before we began our REAL relationship 12 years ago.

I read on Tara Newby's blog recently that 10 out of 10 people die. It's a fact. (She didn't cite her sources, but I find them to be true...) Why do some die too early or in certain ways, we don't understand, but as I said before, we don't need to understand. I'm trusting the bible and it says that God knows, and we just need to grieve like we have hope.
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope." 1 Thessalonians 4:13

As God continues to answer your prayers this week, I just had another miracle moment of my own. I found in another box of keepsakes, the bible that was given to Thomas from our Razorbacks for Christ campus minister when he graduated from college. In that so familiar, Thomas ~~scrawl~~ handwriting, I found a card he had left in his bible

Thomas wrote "1 Thess 4:1 How to live your life Sept 8 2002"
The verse God brought to my mind today (see above) was from the same chapter as the verse Thomas referred to on this card. Awesomeness.

Looking it up, 4:1 reads (this is the Message version, it sounds like Thomas):
"One final word, friends. We ask you—urge is more like it—that you keep on doing what we told you to do to please God, not in a dogged religious plod, but in a living, spirited dance. You know the guidelines we laid out for you from the Master Jesus. God wants you to live a pure life."

Here's the link to the whole section which speaks to me in so many ways tonight.

As I think about what I've learned in my bible studies this past year, God is telling me to listen (read His words,) believe, and LIVE!

Proverbs 4:20-22 (msg)
"Dear friend, listen well to my words;
   tune your ears to my voice.
Keep my message in plain view at all times.
   Concentrate! Learn it by heart!
Those who discover these words live, really live;
   body and soul, they're bursting with health."

I want to live, really live--so all of you help me stay accountable to concentrating on God's word.
Happy 2012--make it count!
Love, Bonnie

(a BIG) PS: (it wouldn't be a post from me with several parentheses and a "PS" at the end, would it?)
I debated on whether or not to post this picture again, and then the answer was given to me.
As "mom of the year 2012", I let Thomas play with my iphone. As I was going through pictures to post on this blog, I came across one I strangely hadn't noticed. Thomas had taken pictures of himself at some point this week! I'll let you see why I decided to post them (both are completely unedited.)

Link to original post about this awesome pic

So Thankful

2011-11-16T22:24:00.001-06:00

Caroline and Thomas had their Thanksgiving program and "feast" today at their awesome Mother's Day Out at our church. Their directors and teachers are simply wonderful and so loving.

Mollie and Thomas enjoying their class feast!

After the exciting singing program (where Thomas decided to yell out to me "mama! mama!" during "You are My Sunshine"), we followed the kids back to their rooms where I found Caroline with her place mat ready to go at her table.

The holidays are a glorious, yet difficult time for most people. We miss our loved ones who are not here to make special (or mundane!) memories with us, but it makes me feel very blessed to have a sweet daughter this Thanksgiving who is thankful for God and her family...(and her make-believe dog apparently--see photo-- but hey, she's 4 years old after all!)
Those sweet little hands outlined with paint that grow too quickly, the same hands that she folds so obediently during prayers and always remembers both her daddies.

Thank you, God, for my family and friends. Anything else you give me is just gravy.

County Fair 2011!

2011-11-11T20:23:00.000-06:00

This is my first post using my phone, if this works it will be life altering for me.

And, yes, I have just realized in the last few weeks that I like to use dramatic words and gestures. Honestly, though, it will be life altering! It took me forever to email myself pictures and upload them onto blogger. I hope to blog way more often with the mobile option.

When did I realize my dramatics? Thomas has been mocking the way I yell "NO WAY!!!" when someone tells me exciting news. He yells it back to me and says it over and over.

We learn a lot about ourselves through our children, don't we?! (I do not feel that I exaggerate at all, however. I truly get that excited/emotional. My long time friends know to back away when they tell me big news so I don't push them over with my hands, like Elaine from Seinfeld. I do not dance like Elaine, just for the record.)

Here's Aly and Caroline calling the Hogs in front of a hog! We love our Arkansas Razorbacks! Woo Pig Sooie!

Thomas loved running from one animal to another yelling, "Gook!!" (Look!)


Caroline milking a fake cow.		Ps the format didn't work well with the mobile upload. So I had to edit it online. Dang.

Choo Choo! Thomas is 2!

2011-09-10T21:30:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's that time again! It's been two months since my last post, so it's time to play catch up! I'm even using the trick one of my Tara's taught me to change the date on the post, so in 20 years when we are reading the blog book, the order of events MIGHT make sense.

Honestly, just thinking about all the blog posts that should have been written in the last two months makes me have heart palpitations. (Because of the anxiety, not the excitment...) I am not sure why I get this way, but when I haven't blogged in a while, I start to get anxious and crazy. I can't even read other people's blogs: A. I have zero time for it. B. If I accidentally see a blog update from someone it reminds me of how behind I am and it takes a while for me to calm back down.

Ridiculous, I know. But that's how it is for me! :-)

I have so much to say about what has been happening with our family these last two months! In a nutshell, we have been enjoying becoming a family and praising God for what has been happening in our lives.

Now that everyone is caught up with us...ha! I'm going to try and put short blog posts of how we are living each moment to the fullest and appreciating little and big things in life.
That being said: THOMAS IS 2!!!!! How did this happen!? My baby boy is growing up so fast.

We had a joint party with our fellow turning 2 friend, Mollie, at Boingo Bounce! It's always a hit when the kids love it and the parents love the long naps the kids take when they get home.

We had a Thomas the Train and Minnie Mouse themed party. I'll let you guess which theme went with which 2 year old.

Some things I don't want to forget:

He says "Gook!" for "look"
He wakes up happy and singing to himself waiting for me to get him out of bed. When I open the door he usually says "Hi, mama!" or he hides himself to let me try to find him (in his 3 foot long crib)
He doesn't sleep with a paci anymore, but has to have his lovey with the tags (thanks, Ro-ro), his "baby" (Grandma Tracy gave him a "fur real" pet bear that pretends to sleep and makes noises---yes, I let him have it although it makes loud snoring noises. It's just too cute that he asks for his "baby" each night,) and his big, soft, red Razorback blanket (thanks, mimi.)
He loves juice. He will grab my pant leg and drag me into the kitchen and point at the refrigerator saying "juice, peas!" (no, he isn't a veggie lover. It's his "please.") Once he realizes I am going to get it for him he does a little dance where he shuffles his feet really fast and laughs.
He will pray with his hands folded and eyes shut so tight that they look really wrinkly. He ends with "AHMEN" (This is not 100% consistent, but he's on his way!)
He loves his sister and follows her EVERYWHERE.
He gives the sweetest, barely there whisper of a kiss on your cheek if you ask (and if you are really lucky, even when you don't ask!)
He does get mad. (yes, he's not a perfect angel, he's 2.) He will yell "NO!" and point at me like he's getting on to me. He hit me in the lip today with a toy (not really on purpose, but not really by accident...) and when he saw how hurt I acted, he got very concerned and came close to pat my hand. So we are learning about cause and effect.
He tries to read. Whenever he sees letters he says "E, O, A, O, E" over and over. I love it.
He has good balance, but has had a couple of falls that took a few years off of my life. (Once at a tennis match from the bleachers, and once at a playground.)

And next to turning 2 August 17, the biggest event in September:

the worst visible "scar" came from one of his closest friends...Percy.

I am one of those parents that reads all of the labels and warnings on toys. #1 I want to be sure we aren't missing out on some feature that isn't apparent. (For instance, we played with the Chuck the Dump Truck for two weeks before realizing it was on "demo" what a nice surprise it was that it could say 20 different things instead of "I'm Chuck" over and over..and over again.)
So back to Percy.
This train is one of those cool, motorized trains with an on/off switch. It explicitly states to be wary of hair close to the wheels. I knew Caroline should be careful, but didn't imagine Thomas could be in danger!
I didn't realize he had it with him in the car until he was screaming loudly and I turned around (a little annoyed, admittedly. "Mom of the Year 2011") and saw that it was caught running on top of his head!!!
I ran around the car and by the time I tried to turn it off, Thomas pulled straight up, hard. And tons of beautiful, blonde hair came up, too. I was sure I would see blood on his head. Nope, just a bald spot.

We are doing our best to keep a "comb over" in place, but Thomas found a solution one evening. I found him in his room like this:

Most people say they can't tell, but if the wind blows just right--it is there. I hope it grows back in, but if not, it will be one of those funny stories he will tell as he gets bigger, and he will be able to part his hair and show it off. :-)

I love you, sweet Thomas. You are a blessing from heaven and a God send in so many ways for so many people. I look forward to your year of being "2" and all it has in store. Love, Mommy

Amazing Love

2011-09-06T14:54:00.003-05:00

Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.

I start with those lyrics from "Amazing Love" because it's the only way to start a blog post like this one: by praising God!

As I type this I am overcome with emotions, happiness, sadness, joy, grief...(how many posts have I written that include a sentence like this, but I can only write what I am feeling, so all of that and more is on my heart today!) I'm happy and joyful about all God is doing in our lives. I'm also sad and full of grief for our broken world (for our own loss of Thomas, Kimberly's family as the second year of Hannah's heavenly birthday approaches, the Keylor/Hillian family as cancer took their mom and wife last month, and another local family loses their 18 year old daughter in a car accident this week) --it isn't supposed to be this way, but PRAISE TO GOD there is a plan in place to not only get through the hard times that come our way, but to rise above them and find joy here on Earth as we wait to reach our heavenly, forever home!

One of the best blessings and part of God's plan is RELATIONSHIPS! Most of us have realized this as we've seen trials and relied on each other to pray and support each other. I know first hand how important it was/is for me to have a relationship with God, my church and, of course my family and friends. Everyone rallied around myself and sweet little babies. And did we ever feel God's arms wrapped around us!

On August 5th, 2011 Tyler and I said our vows on Seagrove Beach, Florida in front of family and friends. The wedding exceeded our expectations for the love felt by those who joined us in Florida, the weather(!), and the peaceful, fun, full of God, atmosphere that surrounded us.

So many of you prayed constantly for my family over the years, I had no idea about the power of prayer until I felt it for myself especially in 2009. Our Thursday night bible study group has been studying Prayer. We have learned not to feel the need to articulate perfectly our plan or expected outcome, but to pray with confidence! Prayer releases God's power so He can/will work in our lives.
So without further ado, praying friends,...here's the fruit of your prayers in picture form (Thank you for capturing them in pictures, Staci Coston!)

Your prayers allowed the power of God to transform me into a new person. A person who only wants to seek Jesus and tell others about Him...and while I still grieve today for a life and love lost, the prayers sent heavenward allowed God to work in a way I didn't even see coming for myself and children; it allowed a new family to form, not forgetting the past, but embracing it. Tyler and I are grateful that God has blessed us in becoming a family and we are committed to praising God through the trials and good times in the years to come.
I am praying thanks for all of you.

Wedding Week!

2011-08-02T22:39:00.001-05:00

Whew! What a fun, busy time getting ready for a beach trip with my sweet kiddos AND a wedding! We are finally here on the (not so anymore) "forgotten coast" in Florida enjoying God's amazing creation with my immediate family and as the days go by more of my family and friends are arriving for our big day at the end of this week. I can feel God showering us with blessings and it increases each day as the Day approaches. I didn't know if I would be a mixture of emotions: cheerful, sad, bittersweet, excited, etc, but I am truly just plain old happy.

Seeing the kids play in the sand after dark just as we arrived and hearing Caroline yelling "This is the best night EVER!" over and over, to Thomas yelling "GOOK, GOOK!" ("look") at planes and seagulls flying over our heads today, and seeing Jett and Thomas bonding (and fighting, especially over their "choo-choos") as close cousins do...oh, and the water is so beautiful. A lady walking on the beach stopped just to tell me that she was here a few months ago and it was so dark from seaweed and she was amazed at the water. She ended by saying "it's such a blessing." It was like God saying, "Here you go, another blessing."

When I think back to how God had told Becky this was going to happen for Tyler and I, even before I even barely knew who Tyler was, amazes me. I am asking for prayers from everyone this week as many of my family and friends are traveling and also that we would have a wedding that is glorifying to God.

Our ladies bible study has been studying prayer this summer and I've known first hand prayer works, but I'm starting to understand a little about how it works, and how powerful and necessary it is. I pray with a new intensity and fervor that deepens my relationship with God and it also let's me be at peace in a way that eluded me for some time.

I have learned that nothing turns out the way we think it will, or how we think it should, be it life or a vacation with toddlers. I am learning to not only accept what is happening and live in the moment, but to find joy in it. Even if it isn't how I planned on it happening.

Family, friends and blog readers I've never even met, thank you for traveling this road with me and please take a moment to realize your prayers have worked in ways that exceeded my expectations. As I write about all the good things happening right now, I am aware several of my friends are going through difficult times in their lives and I am praying for them as they have prayed for me. I have such hope now for people going through hard times, since I'm living proof that God can create beauty from ashes.

I am not naiive and I know there is no quota to sadness or grief one can experience in life, but I have learned to relish the good times and accept the blessings whole heartedly. I am happy today and I know that God is the same God of yesterday, today and tomorrow, no matter what it holds.

Love!

2011-06-19T00:09:00.001-05:00

Less than 7 weeks until our wedding! WOW!

I had to show off what a thoughtful man Tyler is. He gave me these for our one year anniversary of dating! It's four, big, square scrabble tiles spelling LOVE that we can hang on the wall! I don't have time to go back and re-read my blog to see if I ever wrote about how we started "talking" so here's the short and sweet version: We started getting to know each other when I got my iphone last May and started playing "Words With Friends" (electronic scrabble.) Through the grapevine I heard the only people I know playing with this app were Tyler and my friend Leigh. We started spelling words and using the messaging system within the game to "talk." Before this he seemed a little on the quiet side, but when we started playing this game I realized how sweet his is and what a funny sense of humor he has (I'm a sucker for someone who makes me laugh!) And the rest is history!

So now you know what an incredibly thoughtful gift this is for me to receive!! Wow, Tyler! You continue to amaze me each day with your kindness, compassion and love!

We have been so blessed to have my parents living a few minutes away and they are always willing to keep the kiddos! Tyler and I have been able to have some 2 on 1 time with each of them lately and it is so fun! The dynamics are so different when no one is having to fight to be heard ;-) Here's a pic from our night out at the Promenade Mall with Caroline. Mimi's Cafe lets you order breakfast all day long so, of course, Caroline would order chocolate chip pancakes! She's such a sweetie pie. She still says "Lasterday" for "yesterday" and now she's been saying "Holy Guacamole!" (I plead the fifth on where she's heard that before...) She is so thoughtful and sweet. I love seeing her sounding out words when reading and singing songs she makes up herself. She says to Thomas "You are so cute, I could just eat you up!"

Here's a pic from our night out with Thomas! Pushing a stroller on Dickson Street sure makes you feel all of your 32 years! We ate at Chipotle (I'm not sure which of the 3 of us ate the most guacamole, but it was totally gone by the end of the meal.) We then walked quickly through the used bookstore, he wanted to show how good he was at de-shelving books and ended up in the garden of the Walton Arts Center. I love little hidden gems like that in a night out--I had just said to Tyler while leaving the bookstore "I wish we could let him out of the stroller in a safe place to run around" and we turn the corner into the garden. Thomas danced and climbed all over the place. (and no we did not end up eating frozen yogurt at Orange Leaf--Tyler and I started counting calories and working out last week, we are doing well so far...well except for the excessive guacamole eating.)

When I was little all we had to play with was the gas meter...

We LOVE the springdale aquatic center! Especially with a sweet friend like Luci!

My BFF's 4 year old daughter, Aly.

(Yes, I use "BFF" she's been my friend since we were 8, I think that is close to "forever.")

Our dear Uncle Travis! He took Caroline on her first fishing adventure! She is a very sporty little girl. Well, yes, her fishing pole is pink and purple with Disney princesses on it, but it can snag a fish just like the other poles!

Caroline helped Uncle Trav reel this one in! She was literally screaming at me to see what had happened! She's ready to catch her own fish all by herself next time.

No, it has not escaped me that Father's Day is tomorrow. Or for the fact that baby T is just about the age sweet Caroline was when her daddy went to heaven. But when I start to feel sad, I really make myself get down to the nitty gritty of our lives, and think about all that has happened. I keep realizing more and more that God has taught me the biggest lesson of my life. I'm blessed to have had it revealed to me at a young age and at a time where it will shape the future of my kids the most. It is to love.

I tried to put a comma or a colon or something in that sentence to jazz it up, but it wouldn't be right. To love. What a simple concept, but it has so many layers and aspects to it that it takes millions of books, songs, poems and blogs to try and explain it.

Oh, yes, and I forgot to mention, it is the greatest commandment in the bible. ; )

I definitely loved before the accident. But as God has shown me His love by taking care of me through strangers, friends and family over the past few years, it has taken this love thing to a whole new level for me.

I want to return the love poured into me and my sweet babies, by pouring it back out into my friends, family and even strangers. So instead of being sad on this Father's Day Eve for my sweet kiddos sleeping soundly in their beds, with visions of snowcones swimming in their heads, I am encouraged. I have an amazing love story to tell Caroline and Thomas about how their mommy and daddy came to be their parents, and I'm also right in the middle of another awesome love story that will unfold while they grow up.

I see love in their lives spilling out all over the place.

1 John 3:1 (msg) What marvelous love the Father has extended to us! Just look at it—we're called children of God! That's who we really are. But that's also why the world doesn't recognize us or take us seriously, because it has no idea who he is or what he's up to.

This too shall pass…

2011-06-05T15:51:00.005-05:00

My poor blog. Why have you been neglected? Because:

Relationships! (We are all still putting our Living Proof Live knowledge to work in our lives! God is AWESOME!)

End of the semester grading-whew! Such an AMAZING group of students. I look forward to seeing them excel in their own classrooms!

Saturdays at the Farmers’ Market!

Planting our herb garden, and tomatoes in our weed garden. It’s all about the experience, right?

Jett turns 2 with the coolest birthday party ever! Your parents rock!

Chick-fil-a? I’d like to place my daily order.

She had been asking for cotton candy for a long time, I think she likes it! Go Naturals!

Caroline and Thomas had their end of the year program at their Sonshine School. We love this school! Caroline sang her heart out.

Most of our GFN (Girls’ Fellowship Night) group on our last night of the Breaking Free study by Beth Moore. The ultimate bible study if you are looking for one to do. It will teach you how to be free from areas in your life that keep you from experiencing all of the benefits of being a follower of Christ! (The one I’m working on the hardest is the benefit of God’s peace-the obstacle of having peace is prayerlessness. See earlier post…)

Caroline’s recital at The Academy of Dance! She won an award as Dancing Doll 2011!

Promotion Sunday at Mt Comfort Church of Christ! Our babies are now at the end of the hallway! Here’s her buddies Emma, Canaan and Sara. Next year: UPSTAIRS!? How time flies.

So why the blog title? Because this will pass. All of the good and the bad will pass on. I needed the reminder today as I carried a loud Thomas out of our church’s auditorium. People say it’s because he’s a boy and he’s approaching the age of two. I know they are right, but it still makes it hard to go through the stage.

I know this is such a tiny, not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, type of issue to be blogging about, but I’ve always wanted to keep track of our highs and lows as a family on this blog. When I think of all my little family has been through in the last four years—it’s a lot. And yet, we are still moving forward one day at a time. This is just where we are right now and in a few months we will be laughing about how it was, just not today.

Here’s a picture that is probably representative of a snapshot 14 years in the future:

Thomas driving a jeep and looking not the least bit afraid of the bumps and jostles happening, and Caroline-my loyal, rule follower-looking very nervous and ready to come tell me what her brother was up to!

Lots of our pictures and time together involves me running after Thomas or him running out of the picture:

Our fun trip to Batesville to visit Papaw, (Tyler’s Dad) Kate and T.B.(Tyler’s sister and her husband.) I’m keeping Thomas out of the pond.

Easter egg dying! Notice Thomas is not in the picture. I chose to do this during his naptime. Terrible mom or is it okay for me to leave him out for the safety and sanity of others? Ps Becky wouldn’t mind me saying that this was a staged picture and it was hard even with just one sweet boy.

Summer has started at our house when the slip n slide comes out! Here’s our friend Luci and Thomas running away. By the way the cicadas are crazy right now! People are being swarmed by them when they come to visit us (sorry, Nellie!)

Or he’s running out of an otherwise precious picture. This is Tyler’s sister’s son, Tate. He is so sweet, but all boy. He reminds me a lot of our other cousin, William, who is about the same age. I’m hoping Thomas will turn out like these boys!

I’m not saying at all that Thomas is bad, he’s just making some bad choices (So sorry Mollie, Thomas pushed you down today to show how he loves you...)

He makes good choices, too:

He loves looking at his dad’s books. I put a few on the bottom shelf and he pulls out the huge ones, with zero pictures. I’ve found him like this several times. His favorite is Black Holes and Time Warps: Einstein’s Outrageous Legacy by Kip Thorne (if you were curious.)

And after church he crashes. This is a good choice, too.

He can be very sweet, too. He will randomly kiss and hug on us and say, “Peas” (please) over and over again when he wants something, and he loves to be tickled. His favorite words, are “No” “Nah” and “I did it,” but in a flash he’ll be in his room listening to his ipod and I’ll wish his screams for more grapes after he’s already had 20 too many, could be heard once again.

Thomas will hold Caroline’s hand and she will say, “Oh mom! Take a picture!” So I have at least 6 of these on my phone.

Tyler and I will be married in two months. Each day I get more excited! We’ve all four grown together as a family and we are ready to make it official. Oh what blessings Thomas and Caroline are to us. We’ll take it all, the good times and the not-as-good times, because we know how this all will pass. We have our sights set on loving each other as God loves us and cherishing the time we have together.

Psalm 118:24 - "This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it."

I've already cried twice today

2011-04-22T15:40:00.003-05:00

I've already cried twice today and it's not even noon.

And it didn't even directly relate to the big scare I had on Monday with baby T. It will have it's own post, but in a nutshell-He had a small cold on Sunday that turned into a full-fledged scary asthma attack. All is well now (for the most part...I'm still not sure why it happened, but he is okay.)

So my last blog post on Saturday night was a quick rundown of my thinking after the intense, yet beautiful trip to Little Rock for Living Proof Live.
All of us that went were still reeling the next day from how God spoke to each of us and what we took away from the trip. Several of us attend the same church and as soon as we saw each other in our "Crazy Love" ladies bible class we gravitated to each other like magnets. Each of us wanted to be in proximity to each other so we could see how we were doing and how we were all processing what we've learned.
I have to admit, I'm intimidated to try and put it all down in words right now. I'm not sure I'm "there" yet. But what the heck, we are never "there," we are always a work in progress, albeit (I love that word, by the way, it's so unexpected the way it looks, but it's a word you hear all the time...sorry I'm a terrible digress-er...now where was I...) albeit the progress is messy sometimes and not linear. You'd think logically the more we learn and read about Christ we would progress straight up the mountain eventually reaching the pinnacle. Yet we are human, and we continually fail, fall backwards-sometimes HARD, and blessedly make baby steps as we go towards having a real relationship with God. And even once we "get it", (see last post) and we have the relationship with Christ, it doesn't mean at all that we coast to the end.
Quite the opposite. Oh, you may have a brief period of coasting along with everything going okay, but there will be trials and hard times. It's in the bible. I would say everyone has experienced these times.
But being a Christian doesn't mean we are immune to the trials that non-Christians have, however we have tapped into this free gift of help to carry us through the hard times. TREMENDOUS help that we would not have otherwise have if we hadn't accepted it as it is offered to every single human being
The help is Jesus' strength, but not only that-it's the relationships and encouragement from other Christians. The ones who also"get it."
What gifts God gives us in our relationships with others! God knew we needed Jesus to pay the price for our failings and He knew what we'd need to make it through the ups and downs of life: each other!
So why I cried twice today:
I was holding my sweet baby boy giving him his breathing treatment this morning and furiously reading "Heaven is For Real" by Todd Burpo. I was reading furiously because I do not have time to read other than the bible and my students' lesson plans, but I REALLY wanted to read it, and I borrowed it so I knew I would have to return it shortly. I'm only to the part of the book where the boy's parents were not knowing if their son would make it through his surgery, but after the week I'd had with baby Thomas and what my dear friend Kimberly has gone through, it was too close to home. I'll let you know what I think of the book when I finish.
Then I rush around to get Caroline to dance (and I'm hoping I am making an okay decision to get Thomas back out in the scary world to go with us.) At dance myself and another mom get into a deep discussion about God and His will for our relationships and stressors of life (by the way I've come to realize my barometer for myself and how well my relationship with God is going is based on how much I talk about Him. I know I haven't nurtured our relationship if He isn't a topic of my conversation with everyone I come in contact with!)
I then head towards Chick-fil-a, I think my car could drive itself there, and I meet my sweet mom who brought me some milk, because grocery shopping is very low priority for me lately. I get in the drive through lane, since I have determined Thomas has had enough and immediately cars line up behind me as far as I can see. A poor red jeep came from the opposite direction of the flow to the drive through and I thought to myself, I am in no hurry and I'll let her in front of me because there is no telling how long she might have to wait to get in.
I make my order and get to the window and the lady hands me my food. I'm confused and she tells me the car in front of me had paid for mine.
What in the world!? I couldn't even remember what the car looked like in front of me and I didn't know what to say except "wow" and I pulled forward a little ways to get Caroline's chocolate milk opened and the act of kindness from a stranger overwhelmed me. It's such a little thing to do for someone, but what an impact it had on me.
I knew our local Christian radio station has a "pay it forward" day every so often and encourages people to do things like that, but I knew today wasn't one of those designated days. I told Caroline what had happened and how the person must have a HUGE, caring heart to help out a stranger without wanting a "thank you." I don't think at all it was a coincidence it happened today, when our bible study discussion last night and the conversation I had that morning was all about PEOPLE. I begin to drive again and in the background I hear on KLRC a song that moves me to tears even on "normal" days, David Crowder Band's "Oh How He Loves Us." That's when the tears came for the second time.
It seems I've been struggling with unbelief. I thought it was prayerlessness (see post,) and it is that, but also unbelief!
I totally believe in God, but I have trouble believing God. It is hard to understand that He loves us so much. And it's hard to understand that He allows bad things to happen to us. I'm beginning to understand and accept this, but it is difficult.
Here's the song, it's so true:
He is jealous for me
Love's like a hurricane,
I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of
His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

It wasn't until I was literally half way home that I remembered letting that red jeep into our line. Instead of a random act of kindness, this stranger was saying a BIG thank you to me by buying our lunch. It's the little things we do for each other that matter...and the big things that we do.
God, thank you for speaking to me so clearly today. And all before noon.

In Christ Alone

2011-04-16T22:39:00.001-05:00

Wow. All I keep thinking is, Wow.
Okay, that's a lie. That's not all I keep thinking. I'm also thinking about a bajilion ways I could write this post...how do I put into words what I experienced with 8,514 women (and 4 men) in attendance at Verizon arena. We all feel like we had the best and hardest workout of our lives. And- I can't sleep until I post about it!
I've blogged in the past about our Thursday night ladies bible study that's going on year 6. Well, 12 of us went to Little Rock last night to praise God and listen to a message about how we can live a fulfilled life through Christ during our short time on Earth. Beth Moore spoke to us using 2 Timothy Chapter 4 as our focus. In an extreme nutshell, we can't do this thing called "life" alone, as an island, relying on our own strength. We can only make it through Christ and how we reflect His love in our relationships.
(What I'm about to admit makes me shake while typing, but it's the truth...)
It wasn't that long ago, that I just didn't "get" it.
I would hear Christian music and it didn't do anything for me.
The thought of heaven as a place where we praise Jesus all day, didn't sound that great to me.
I knew I was missing something! Why are so many Christians in love with Jesus? I knew I believed in God, I knew I wanted to live a "good" life, but I also knew that I had an unfulfilled longing.
It wasn't until I took the risk to be vulnerable and took the giant leap of faith to be baptized at the ripe 'ol age of 20, did I really GET it. OH, HOW I GOT IT. (Thank you, Jesus.) And it wasn't until this year that I really understood why accepting Jesus opened my heart up to feel what I knew I was supposed to feel when praising God, because when I accepted Jesus I received the holy spirit and that is what stirs us! It's what MOVES us.
I began thinking I would just post the lyrics to this song "In Christ Alone" and let it speak for itself, but then I realized you can experience a sliver of what we experienced by listening and watching (and singing along if you really want to be bold!) to the youtube video.

I lose all composure I manage to muster during the first half of the song, when this verse is sung: No guilt in life, no fear in death; This is the power of Christ in me; From life's first cry to final breath; Jesus commands my destiny.
Only by God's grace am I sitting here typing out my redemption story for anyone who will listen.
That verse is my 2009. Thomas took his final breath and his son took his first cry.
Hallelujah and Amen, Jesus, that you held on tight to me even before I knew you. You had people in place in my life who listened to you and taught me about you, because you knew what was in store for me. You knew I would need you AND them.

Only you know when I will take my final breath, but by your mercy that I can never earn, I will open my eyes and tell you to your glorious face "WE MADE IT!"

So I want to beg every single one of you (even those of you saying, "yeah, that's a great song" or "I already know it" or "I don't have time") to at least listen to it. And at the very, very least listen to the part from 3:19-5:21. Promise me you'll do it.

In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This Cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm

What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand

In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift of love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save

Til on that cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For every sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ I live, I live

There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then bursting forth in glorious Day
Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost its grip on me
For I am His and He is mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is the power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man
Could ever pluck me from His hand
Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the power of Christ I stand.

Ps Dori feel better and we will tell you every single detail! We love you!

Where I've been!

2011-04-11T15:19:00.000-05:00

Wow. I knew it had been a long time since my last post, but this is ridiculous! I've heard I can change the dates on a post and catch up that way, but it's not my style. I have to ramble on and on in one post at a time and when Caroline and Thomas read their blog books (because I know they will be fascinated by them one day! I'm saying that a little sarcastically, but I hope they will!) they will realize by the gap in the dates that this was a very busy time for their momma!

We went to Cancun the week after Christmas and had a wonderful time with the entire Culp clan! Well, it was wonderful once I realized we had survived the plane rides, customs/immigration, eating in airports, changing diapers in a two square foot sized bathroom all by ourselves! I enjoyed meeting some very nice people on the planes and waiting areas to board. Several even helped me carry the stroller and bags. (So my faith in humankind is still a positive one.) We only had one "shhh" from a sleeping actor (I was told he is on some tv show I don't watch) on the flight to Mexico. So I think one shush out of all four plane rides there and back is called "SUCCESS."

Thomas in Mexico! December 29 2010

It was super emotional for me to see my sweet kiddos put their feet in the sand and see the ocean without their dad there. I let myself be sad for a few minutes, then gave it to God to deal with (Thank you, God for your undending care for us!) and then we enjoyed ourselves playing in the surf with the cousins, eating bowl fulls of guacamole, and making memories.
I was very excited to get to see the Mayan ruins, because I LOVE history, but Thomas wanted to just run 100mph all over the site, not taking time to reflect and learn...I guess I'll have to go back when they are older, sigh. :-)

January: I had a birthday, but who is counting anymore? Not me. And we had snow. Lots of it.

February: Caroline turned 4!!! Yes, FOUR on February 2nd. We enjoyed a ton of friends and family at Boingo Bounce, although the weather tried to impede us. Nothing could stop families from letting their little ones burn energy at her birthday party after being cooped up for days after two huge snow storms. We had a routine down from all of the snow days. Waking up to chocolate chip pancakes, taking thirty minutes to bundle up, spending an hour sledding down our steep driveway, warming up inside with hot chocolate, lunch, resting, eating "snow ice cream," and repeat. For four straight days. Good times.
Also in February, we had our exciting engagement!

Since then I have been cherishing my sweet children. Thomas is talking so much! He is 20 months old. He says: Bye-bye, I did it!, book, milk ("muk"), Jett, choo-choo (for anything that moves or rolls), and a bunch of jibber jabber like he is really telling me a whole story. He brings me Chicka Chicka Boom Boom at least twice a day for me to read to him and everytime I stand him up from changing his diaper on the changer he points to the letters on the "THOMAS" painting sweet Lindsey made for us and he points to the letters saying "O, O, S, O" He has the "O" letter down! He gives real kisses to us and folds his hands to pray. He is a charmer and a very strong little boy. He's 95% in height and weight for his age and lately he has been resting his head on my shoulder when I hold him. (That's the sound of my heart melting into a puddle.)
Caroline continues to amaze me with her intelligence and heart for God. We have deep conversations every day about where God is in our hearts and how the earth rotates to make day and night...She is a very curious and thoughtful little girl. She will apologize to me when she realizes she sounded exasperated or sarcastic when she talks. She will say, "Sorry, mommy, I shouldn't have said it like that."She is becoming very independent and it is sad and wonderful to watch. She will say to her brother, "I just love your cute little toes!" and if I say something she is thinking she will say, "You have the same brain as me!" Just like when she was 2, she still recognizes our USA flag and start singing "You're a Grand Ol' Flag" and make me sing along. She is on the verge of reading independently and recognizes all sounds and letters. She can rhyme words and we are enjoying our Raffi CD Mollie and Julie gave us..."Willoughby Wallaby Whomas and Elephant sat on Thomas!" and we've just discovered Trout Fishing in America thanks to Uncle Skip. Now whenever one of the three of us wake up with crazy hair she starts singing, "My hair had a party last night, it must have been in a terrible fight! When my head hit the pillow it was lookin' allright!..." and Thomas will dance while she sings.

Tyler and I continue to build a strong foundation for our upcoming marriage as I continue wedding planning, continuing three bible studies (more on that in just a bit,) enjoying teaching my seniors in their literacy class (but, whew, are they a lot of work and how I will miss them when they graduate!), and not praying.
Yes, you read right. Not praying.
God sure has been working on me these last few months and He has opened my eyes in a BIG way. I've really reflected on how I got to this point of not praying and I sort of figured it out. (Although it doesn't really matter how I got here, but just what I plan on doing about it!)

Peekaboo! Sweet cousins. March 2011

It's hard for me to remember what my prayer life was like before the accident, but I know for months following it I relied on others to pray for me. I even blogged about how I could feel the prayers and what they did for me. It was so very hard to pray then. I felt like I "talked" with God a lot in spurts throughout my days, but my emotions and questions got in my way of hearty praying. So I let others do the praying. I slowly began to get out of the grief fog, and began to pray again. But I was just praying for others: My kids, my family and friends with prayer requests etc. This has worked well for me for some time.

Fayetteville Farmers' Market April 2011! Thomas pushed her everywhere!

Then I think God decided I was ready to REALLY pray again, but I didn't. We began Beth Moore's Breaking Free with my single moms' group last fall and it was AMAZING. Beth's best study ever. So we decided to do it beginning last month in our Thursday night ladies group. I couldn't wait for EVERYONE ELSE to find out what THEIR strongholds/obstacles were on THEIR path to freedom.
How silly of me to think since I just finished the study that I had my work on myself finished (as far as this study goes; I obviously know I will be continually refined until the day I enter heaven.)

Hmmm...then we get to the five benefits of being in a true relationship with God. Week 2 of the homework. I realize: I am missing out on the benefit of peace! I am not peaceful. I run from one event/agenda item/playdate/appointment to the next so much and so fast that my head spins and I was hardly able to enjoy any of it, because I was "BUSY."
You know what God says about that? So what. So what you were "busy." (He also said to me, hmmm you were so busy that you still managed to watch American Idol!?)

I say all that not to say the things I do aren't important and I'm not saying we shouldn't stop and take breaks to watch TV, but after the last two weeks of Breaking Free homework I realized I am missing out on God's peace in my life. I realized more than once in a given week when someone asked me how I am and I answered them "I feel as if I run around like a chicken with my head cut off" I knew something needed to change. Also, I knew other people juggle far more than I do and they do not act like headless chickens-that was when God decided I was ready to hear this message about prayerlessness.

Don't get me wrong, I "talk" with God all day, kind of like a running conversation, and I pray for requests from my friends, at meals and with the kids at bedtime, but I do not spend focused time in prayer. Beth Moore said on page 69 of the workbook "Without a doubt, avoiding prayer is a sure prescription for anxiety, a way to avoid peace. To experience the kind of peace that covers all circumstances, the Bible challenges us to develop active, authentic prayer lives...the enemy would rather see us study the Bible into the wee hours of the morning, because he knows we'll never have deep understanding and power to live what we've learned without prayer. Satan knows prayerless lives are powerless lives, while prayerful lives are powerful lives!"

WOW. I was actually making Satan happy and God sad that I was too busy with church instead of praying!
I have not rolled this boulder out of the way on my path to freedom yet, but I see that it is there and I'm trying to push it away.

In Sunday morning ladies class we discussed chapter 4 of Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" and how we tend to give to God our sloppy leftovers as an offering instead of our very best. For example, a "mumbled three minute prayer when I'm half asleep" (this author sure knows me!) I know I can do better.

Trout Fishing in America concert spring break at the Jones Center !!

My passion I had last spring for being the best mom I can to my precious children hasn't lessened at all. I think it has intensified. I feel God has blessed us through this past year of new beginnings and Tyler and I are excited about what God is doing in our lives.
I feel like a broken record, but I want to say it again. I do not have it all figured out. I am having to answer new questions from Caroline "Did Thomas get to see Daddy?" "Will Daddy be sad when he sees me in heaven all grown up?" (I tell her USUALLY people go to heaven when they are old.) "Daddy didn't get to see me when I'm four." Whew. Tough stuff for a child to be thinking about. We talk it out and I share what I learn from the bible and just when I think I can't take the direction of our conversation anymore, she will look at me and say "Can I paint my fingernails?"
Instead of dwelling on how sad it is that she (and soon baby Thomas) has to deal with so much at a young age, I think about how much more of a grasp they will have than most people their age on life... and it's briefness and it's ups and downs that are inevitable and how God took care of us in our time of need. They will be able to remember how He took care of us and draw on that strength when they go through valleys as adults.
We are still learning each day how to live with our grief and joys in life. One of my favorite quotes from GriefShare helps me: “We may be thinking that the absence of pain is a sign of healing. Real healing is characterized by the presence of both joy and pain."

Thank you, God, for opening my eyes through this study in your word so that I may experience all of the AMAZING benefits of loving you.

How do you explain...

2011-02-08T18:57:00.002-06:00

"How do you explain, how do you describe
A love that goes from east to west
And runs as deep as it is wide
You know all our hopes, You know all our fears
Words cannot express the love we feel
But we long for you to hear
So listen to our hearts, hear our spirits sing
A song of praise that flows
From those you have redeemed
We will use the words we know
To tell you what an awesome God You are
Words are not enough to tell You of our love
So listen to our hearts"

I'm starting with this post with that song because Tyler and I feel that way about God and what He's done with our lives.
We've had an amazing experience with God growing our love for Him and each other as we've made our way through these last nine months together. Every fear or concern we had was answered by God. Caroline asked me out of the blue a couple of months ago if Tyler and I would "be married." I was surprised by the question, but I knew God was working on her heart as well. I told her I would listen to what God tells me in my heart. She then said, "Well, what is God telling you?" I told her that God is working on us, but that I think it will happen!
Well...IT IS HAPPENING!!!

I can't seem to keep my fingers typing fast enough to tell everyone all the emotions and thoughts racing through my head right now. I want to do our story justice and there is never enough time in the day to get it all written the way I would like to in a blog post, but I wanted to announce our engagement right away! Tyler proposed last night with Caroline and Thomas helping.
I kept thinking I was feeling shock all night and day today, but I finally realized it wasn't shock. After all, we have carefully let our relationship grow in God's timing, but we always knew we were never casually dating. We both felt God telling us this was "for real" from the first day of our relationship. So it isn't shock that I'm feeling. We both knew this was coming (even planned tentatively dates for the wedding!) Not shock, it is awe. I am in complete and total awe of what God can do with a broken mess. If you've read any of my blog, it is not a surprise to hear that life dealt the three of us a horrific blow. I was a mess: physically, emotionally and spiritually. However, my family and friends surrounded me and showed me what God's love is. Their love and support motivated me to ask God to help me pull it together. He answered that prayer in a huge way. I am reminded of the way love is defined in the bible in 1 Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 13

¹ If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part, ¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

We usually hear these verses at weddings, but it isn't just talking about love between husband and wife. Love is a true gift from God that each of us can have: for our friends, for our families, for each other. When I allowed myself to take in the love from my amazing support system and start asking God to transform my sadness to joy-He did it. I felt joy again. Only after that happened did he then open my eyes to see Tyler.

Fast forward to yesterday...

He had Caroline help set up the dining room with white Tulips and an adorable round cake (from Ricks!) with a big question mark in it, complete with sparkler candles! I was holding Thomas and when I came around the corner all I could see was that question mark on the cake and Caroline beaming from ear to ear and holding something behind her back....Tyler told me He is excited about God's plans for us as a family and if I would do the honor of being his wife! AAAHHHHH! Caroline gave me the ring and I said YES!

Caroline was giggling and cheering, Thomas was staring at the candles and I was drying my eyes while hugs were being passed around.

Then as we quieted down to take in the moment, Caroline walked over to Tyler and put her arms around his neck and said, "Now we have a daddy. Now we have a daddy" with all of the love and sincerity a newly turned 4 year old can muster. I completely lost it. Tears of joy, heart break and renewal all at once. I knew she knew she didn't have a daddy hear on Earth, but I also know she knows that she did have a wonderful daddy who loved her very much. I hadn't fully realized the impact this would have on her until she said those words. In bed that night Caroline and I thanked God for the daddy who is now in heaven that brought her into this world and loved her more than anything else on Earth, and then we were able to thank God for the daddy that she will now have here with us. What a blessed little girl and boy they are to have so much love from dads on Earth and in Heaven just for them. (And a mommy who is loved so much, too...) My cup runneth over.

Two Years

2011-01-04T11:28:00.000-06:00

So many emotions. Sadness of course. Amazement at how fast time goes by. Pride in how sweet and smart Caroline and Thomas are turning out (in spite of everything?...). Happiness at what the future looks like. Guilt (yes, it's still there at times) that I have more happy moments than sad now days. Awe of God's healing hand and love for His sons and His daughters.
We just returned from a week in Tulum, Mexico with the entire Culp family. There will be a post about it relatively soon, but right now I'm going through the adjustment of coming home to my new normal (and it isn't so "new" anymore) and deciding whether to be happy or sad each minute today and tomorrow since the two year mark is tomorrow...well I guess, actually, I have to decide every day I wake up if I will make the most of the day or have a pity party, no matter what the calendar says the date is.
Caroline is so in tuned to my emotions (or maybe it stems from inside her??) I, of course, hadn't mentioned the "anniversary" being tomorrow, but out of the blue this morning she said, "I miss Daddy. I miss him so much."
I think also being with the the extended Culp family this past week probably reminded her in her subconscious of Christmas 2 years ago when we were all together. It feels like we were with him this past week in a way. His family is what shaped him, at least the first 18 or so years. I am grateful she misses him and has memories, but I wish a three (almost 4!) year old would never have to take on such strong emotions. I'll be praying about that.
For Christmas this year I had the first year of my blog printed at blog2print. (thanks, "Texas" Tara, for the idea!) I hadn't re-read my blog before, but flipping through the book I found this post I had written exactly a year before the accident. I remembered this picture of course, and it has been used in different ways since then, but I hadn't re-read the post. I also find it strange that I wrote the post about God. I really hadn't used my blog in any "deep" way before. It was usually just the daily happenings of Caroline. I believe God wanted me to read this now and see how I felt before about Him. I have changed tremendously in the last two years, yet my faith in God and His love hasn't changed.

Here's a Link to orginal post. (But I copied and pasted the post below for convenience sake!)

This picture was taken in January 2008. Practically to the week one year before the accident.

I really try to listen and give the benefit of a doubt to someone who has an idea that differs than my own. But I really thought I had an argument won with Thomas. I was SO sure!
I can admit when I am wrong, for instance, years ago I really thought that meteorologists were talking about "wind shield factors" instead of wind chill factors. You may laugh at my stupidity, but all of you have had something like that happen to you.
This time I was right...Thomas was watching me type and he said, "wait, you put two spaces after that period." I immediately looked at him like he was completely crazy and said, "of course! That's common knowledge! You've got to be kidding me! You didn't know there are supposed to be two spaces after a period??" ...I'm sure you can see where this is going.
I pride myself on being able to type fast without mistakes and to think, he was questioning my skills! Just to show him how right I was, I "googled" the question and lo and behold, I found out that the two-space rule applied to typewriters and not to word processors and computers. I couldn't believe it. I learned how to type on a typewriter, so I am out of date now. I've tried to leave one space and I just can't do it!
So the moral of this story...
Immediately after having my ego deflated, I thought, "I can't be sure of anything anymore!" Almost in the next second I remembered that it is true, the things of Earth are not sure and are always changing and evolving. The one constant, that we can always depend on, is God. He's always there, never wavering. It is such a comforting feeling to know that He is in control and His love does not change for us.
Thomas went hiking last weekend and took some pictures. He said that in this cave around a hundred years ago, people would gather to have church and sing. The weather was just above freezing outside and inside the cave it was around 65 degrees, so there was drifting fog. The sun shone threw at just the right spot to light up the rock in the middle. A little piece of Heaven right here in Arkansas. (They have not been edited or enhanced in any way.)

End of post from 2 years ago.

I miss him and love him. More than anything in the world and heaven combined, I know his hope is that the kids and I would be happy and healthy. We are, so I know he is happy, too.

Psalm 10:17

2010-12-05T15:09:00.001-06:00

With such a heavy heart I begin this post.
In the title of this blog, I decided to reinforce God's promise from Psalm 10:17: "You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry"
    I remember being blissfully ignorant of the ups and downs of life when I was younger and hearing about the Holiday "blues." I wondered (briefly, without much deep thinking about it) why Thanksgiving/Christmas are a sad time for a lot of people. To say I now understand about those "blues" now is such a ridiculous understatement. I am grateful God has healed me to this point, however, almost two years after the accident, that I can proclaim with such joy in my heart that I am happy. I can have such light-hearted moments now with family and friends that it blows me away at how far I've come, only with God's help, from the darkest days of my life. Yes, for the rest of my days on earth I will miss Thomas and some days will continue to be harder than others, but I have such hope for the future, and faith in God's promise for my children's happiness that I can hold on to it with both hands and praise God.
   Yet, with the news of another young husband and father in our community being taken away to heaven in the prime of life this past Thursday, I feel like I'm reliving some parts of those dark days. I'm "going" back there on purpose though, because I know first hand how much Tara Newby helped me through the hardest of times and I want to do the same for Stacy Waller. I'm not sure yet what God has in store with how I can help or what she needs, but I'm keeping my ears and heart open to find out. I do not personally know Stacy, but through Facebook I saw that we have several mutual friends who I consider very close friends. She has three children ages 4 and younger.
   Since the two year "anniversary"(there's not a good word for it) is approaching for our family and Kimberly's one year mark of Hannah entering heaven being this week, she and I had already been doing lots of reflecting on the past. With Stacy's story coming to me this Thursday as well, I just have to rely on what I've learned to move through the days right now. Even when it doesn't feel like God is with us, we've already made the decision to believe God and choose to believe He is with us. I choose you, God. Your love endures forever, no matter what happens.
I rarely have writer's block when God leads me to post on my blog, and it's not that I have a block, but I just can't get past the pain right now as I write this. For the Waller family, for the Crumby family, the Culp family and for all of us learning to live with terrible loss.
Yet, life keeps going. I know it amazed me when I realized the world didn't stop when my husband died. And now I'm on the other side, Stacy's world has crumbled and I continue with my life: going to church, eating lunch, making plans for tomorrow...and I almost feel guilt. I don't know what that is called, ironic? blessed?
Ironic because I have been there and now I am here? Or blessed that life doesn't stop and one day life will go on for her as well?? So many emotions...
Thank you, God, that I don't have to figure it all out. We are not called to be omniscient! We can keep it simple as possible and realize the nitty-gritty: Life is full of joy and sadness and everything in between and You have given us a relatively short time here on earth to persevere through it until we all meet our end. I'm so thankful you gave us the bible as a roadmap through life and as an example of how to live to get there.

A friend told me about this song shortly after the accident and I've posted the lyrics before. This October I noticed Caroline singing along to this in church while we all sang together and when we got home I tried to capture it on video.
I am pursuing faith like a child as Caroline does...Lord, you'll never let go.
"You'll Never Let Go" by Matt Redman (Click for his version)

Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
(Chorus)

Please be specifically praying for Stacy and Kimberly and their families this week. I get chills when I remember vividly how I felt your prayers during the hardest of times.

Thankful for my blog readers! (Plus a Giveaway!)

2010-11-14T00:02:00.002-06:00

I'm so thankful this holiday season, it's hard to know where to start! I'm taking time to dedicate this post to my faithful blog readers!! Your comments and prayers over the last two years has been more help to me than you might realize. At times when I wasn't sure how to vent or express my feelings, my blog and the comments from readers were there to lift me up each time. The comments from the last post have encouraged me and made me come to realize even more that God can use any situation, no matter how terrible, to bring people closer to Him. What's amazing is that being "closer to Him" and giving Him the glory means we get to reap benefits such as a life filled with contentment, happiness and most importantly: Meaning! Our lives mean something! Even though we talk all the time about how short our time on Earth is, we are sowing values and love that continue in our children for generations. Our bible study, Breaking Free, has us think back through our family lines to determine who laid the foundation for where (and who) we are today. I'm blessed to have several family members contribute to my path to finding a real relationship with God, but when I think as far back as I can, I only remember one Great Grandmother since the others had passed on before I was old enough to remember, but I know someone must have put the love of the Lord in her heart and I pray thanks to God for whoever those "ancestors" were. In just a few short generations our names may be forgotten, but our legacies live on. I'm determined to instill the same values in my children so that God will be praised in our family long past the day I enter heaven!

Since the accident I have felt guilt because I haven't thanked every single person for what he or she has done for me.e I understand it's a silly guilt (I'm working on giving it to God, I promise!) However, a friend of a friend (Thanks, Misty and K.C.!) contacted me about a giveaway I could do on my blog! My first thought was, HOW FUN! My second thought was: Here's a very tiny way I can say "THANK YOU" to my fellow (local) bloggers! (So sorry for my out-of-town blog friends. Maybe I can come up with something for you all soon!) I've never done anything like this before, so I hope I don't mess it up!...

www.nwaboutiqueshow.com

This coming Friday and Saturday there is a very special boutique show happening at the Springdale Arkansas Holiday Inn Convention Center. It's special because it's a shopping experience where all of the 130 merchants are moms with small businesses! The show is free on Saturday the 20th from 9am to 6pm, but I think the real fun will be Friday, November 19th from 5:00pm-9:00pm at the "Girls Night Out" Preview Shopping Event which will have live Christmas music, door prizes, candy buffet and shopping! It costs $10.00 a ticket at the door, but for a lucky reader of my blog it will be free for you and a friend! I have two tickets to give away to the event. I'm really excited about going and if a reader wins whom I haven't met yet, maybe we can meet there! Just leave a comment on this post! Make an additional comment on this post if you link me in your own blog and you'll have two chances to win! The deadline is this Wednesday at noon and I'll either mail them or hand deliver them to you! If your blog ID doesn't have an email address linked to it, come back here to see if you've won! Good luck!
PS One of the merchants is Lanning Photography and Amber Lanning is an amazing woman and a gifted photographer (see pic below she took of me and my seweet baby T!)

CONGRATULATIONS, ERIN! I used a random number generator and she won the tickets! I'm excited to meet you!
I wish I had tickets for everyone! If you buy online the tickets are discounted to $8 a piece. The Saturday event is free!

God is Love

2010-10-10T22:55:00.001-05:00

I've started and stopped this post in my mind at least one hundred times. (I don't exaggerate unless I tell you I am so that you'll believe me when I state numbers.)
Someone mentioned to me they had noticed I hadn't updated my blog in a while. It's because I know I cannot post again until I post this one...

I'd like to ask everyone to say a prayer right now to have an open heart and mind as you read my thoughts in this post.

God has blessed me immensely over the last months. I mentioned in my last couple of posts how the process of healing will go on forever, but God has allowed me to be joyful again. I got to the point that I honestly told God, "Okay, you and me, God. We're going to raise these children to be amazing adults and I have complete faith that I can do this alone (with You.)" I truly believed this and felt the bondage of fear for my sweet children's future fade away. I felt the fear of being a single mom fade away. I felt the sharp edge of the pain I felt for what their dad was missing as our children grew before my eyes, dull to a manageable sadness that had a more pronounced happiness as I understood more and more that Thomas is not sad. He is complete in heaven, where we all will be one day.
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died." 1 Thessalonians 4:13 - 14
The overwhelming emotion that came with the release of fear and apprehension was love and joy. I had several books with titles describing Joy after Mourning, joy comes in the morning, and every other combination, but I didn't understand how I could ever feel joy when I was in the throes of grief. Yet, the bible proved itself to me again. It is true--a surrendering of our worries and fears to God leaves us with a security in Him. I'm so glad I now have relieved my friends, family, co-workers and even my children the responsibility of my "secure-ness". It's not their job to make or keep me happy. (You all can thank me later ;-) )
"Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return. They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness." Isaiah 51:11
So, I come to the next chapter of my life.
I have thrown myself into the author Angela Thomas' (My Single Mom Life) philosophy of becoming the most amazing moms we can be with God as the leader of our lives. I'm involved with three ongoing bible studies and each one has taught me an incredible amount about how and why God works in our lives and what matters most in this life.

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold -- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 1:6 - 7
So...
I was content and ready to live my single mom life with God helping me raise my sweet kids. We were going to be not just "ok," we were going to be amazing! I also felt after going through GriefShare counseling for two semesters and hearing them talk about dating after being widowed that maybe in 20 years or so I'd think about dating.
So along came Tyler King.
The strange thing is...he's sort of always been around.
He ran in a circle of friends in our same christian campus group (Razorbacks for Christ) that was just different enough from my own that our circles only seldom intersected. Thomas and I definitely knew and respected Tyler from seeing him teach and attend our church for years, but we did not know each other.
Early this summer our paths crossed a few times when our small groups from church intersected.
There really is not another way to say it, but after hanging out several times with our mutual friends I woke up one morning and I felt like God had literally flipped a switch in my heart and a rush of emotions came over me for him!
I was shocked and excited and nervous. I kept it completely to myself for a couple of weeks because I wanted to make sure these were real feelings and that they were really specifically for Tyler and not just the thought of dating or something else going on. Finally, I decided I needed outside perspective and confided in my sister. I waited until I was driving us somewhere together so I didn't have to look her in
the eyes. (I just knew she would tell me in an unintentionally patronizing way, "Oh it is too soon...just be patient...he's a great guy but..." But oh no, she did nothing of the sort.
I started it with just "what do you think about Tyler and I together?" she sat
quietly for a few seconds and then with tears in her eyes said "Bonnie, this
will sound crazy, but God told me a long time ago that you and Tyler would be
together and it would be great."
(Before I go any further, please realize we aren't usually the get a "burning bush" sign from God kind of people...)
I about had to pull the car over.
I asked her to explain and she said that she was so distraught for me and my
kids that she took it to God and He comforted her with that thought. That Tyler
and I would be together.
WOW.
I prayed hard about it and I knew I needed to talk to Tyler about what God was telling me.
Basically, we both told each other that same night that we felt God telling us that we are
supposed to be together.

Even the movies could not make this stuff up.

God knew I did not want to date. He knew how important my family and friends are to me and they would protect me at all costs. God specifically sent Tyler to me. Everyone that knows me, knows Tyler (very well! Yet, I did not know Tyler before this summer!) My family and friends are thrilled because they know us. They have seen Tyler's day to day life of character, warmth and caring. They know I am seeking God at all costs and determined to raise Caroline and Thomas to be happy, godly children. They are seeing the work of God at work.
It's amazing and it's God.

I am more surprised than anyone at the timing, but I trust God and His plan whole-heartedly. I was worried for a while what people might think, but God has taught me some wonderful messages of the utmost importance:

No opinion matters, except God's. I answer only to Him.

God knows what I, Caroline and Thomas need.

No one has any place judging a person's decisions who is seeking God's will...And no one can ever "walk in someone's shoes." Even though I have met some amazing young widowed mommas, not one of us can completely understand each others' journey.

God is Love. He gave us an amazing gift: the ability to love!

Thomas and I truly loved each other and had a great marriage. I'm blessed to know what a great marriage is because of him. I remember thinking when we knew we wanted a second child, "How can I love another child as I love sweet Caroline?" God's abundant love for his people is mirrored by how we have the ability to love each other. And when Baby T came along...I did not replace the love I had for my first child, or try to take some of the love from her to give to him, my capacity to love GREW. Wow. God is gracious.
Over and over through our dating and marriage Thomas would say "I only want for you to be happy." It is imprinted on my heart forever.

And I can say I am truly happy again. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8

Tyler and I are committed to keeping God at the center of our relationship and
we are so thankful for what He has done in our lives.

Light Your Candles!

2010-09-06T09:05:00.000-05:00

Our Single Moms' Ministry at my church has been amazing. What a courageous, beautiful group of women God put together! Each doing their best, with God's help, to be the best single moms they can be. God is good. (By the way, please be praying as we start our fall semester Sept 14th!)

The book we just finished My Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas (a MUST read for any single mom in any situation) talks about not waiting for a special occasion or until you feel "worthy" to light your candles, or use the best dishes, or invite friends over for dinner. Our children will miss out if we wait!

This also parallels her advice that we don't have years to devote to "bettering" ourselves. If we wait years until we arrive at some contrived place to start being a great mom, our kids will be all grown up! We have to be amazing moms NOW!
This includes inviting friends and playmates for our kids over to dinner...so what if our house is a wreck or we don't have a huge home-cooked meal. No one will notice! There will be enough to go around, just make it work!
I also believe this applies to starting or continuing traditions. It's sad how I went through a time when I didn't know if a family of three like ours was complete enough to start new traditions or that it might be too painful to continue traditions we already had. Blessedly, I came through that phase pretty quickly.
Caroline and I decided it would be fun to always have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast on our birthdays, starting with Thomas's!
My new, wonderful friend Shannon reminded us of this "don't wait for life to begin" idea when she gave her example of how she shared a dinner with her daughter's playmate at the spur of the moment. Do you think the girls remember what they ate or what the place settings looked like? NO! They will remember a warm, fun time sharing life!
After hearing her talk about how she is not just thinking about this advice, she's living it; I wanted to do the same. I wanted to light our candles! And use those serving dishes usually reserved for "special" occasions! My children are special and they deserve it!
Later that same week I told Caroline we were going to have candles at dinner and she ran around the room so excited and telling Thomas all about it, it was adorable. I got everything ready, our cantaloupe, ravioli and sauce (from Bertoli's, I think, I know I didn't make it from scratch--i'm admitting it. Who cares!?) and put it in our fancy serving bowls and then went to find candles.
And then I couldn't find any. Not one!
I wasn't going to let this stop us. I remembered what Shannon said, she said she didn't have candles in nice matching holders, she just used the ones from around the house. Scented, or unscented, in a jar or on a plate--it doesn't matter!
So the only candles I had were a few in a drawer meant for a birthday cake. WHO CARES!? Caroline and Thomas sure didn't! We lit them and ate a meal that would normally be forgotten, but now has been made a memory!
I LOVE THESE CHILDREN FIERCELY!!!
Now, go and light your own candles! :-)

My Baby is ONE!!!!

2010-08-21T16:47:00.008-05:00

Yes, I chose blue for the icing. Yes, it came out of his cute Thomas the Train onesie from the Harmons! Happy Birthday, Thomas!

Thomas Alexander Culp turned one on Tuesday! Can you believe it!? We had a fun Thomas the Train themed birthday party for him on Saturday at our house. It was so great to have all of our closest friends and family in attendance.
Of course, it is an extra hard time of the year as well. His daddy would have been 31 the same day his son turned 1. It really makes the day special, though, since he can share it with his dad.
And with the start of the school year and the memories it brings back...
A year ago on the 17th everyone eagerly awaited news on this sweet baby's arrival. It seemed to bring a lot of hope and joy for the future for not only our family, but also for Springdale's school district. They started this year without Mr. Culp, but I have been overwhelmed with the kind, encouraging emails and Facebook messages from his students. A lot of them are starting college this coming week and their thoughts are on their teacher who inspired them to work hard and pursue academic excellence! Thank you, Har-Ber students!

My personal "Mom of the Year" story #258:
So about a month ago Thomas and I were playing and I noticed he started to climb (for the first time, in my defense) onto the treadmill. Most moms would probably think, Oh that's not safe and calmly remove the child and place him or her in a safe area to play. Oh,no, not me. I think, "I've got to get a picture of his first climb!"
Notice the blurry face due to gravity pulling him swiftly backwards??
The aftermath (and proof that he does cry, but not very often!!):
The bump on his head:Here's the smiling boy we all know and love a few minutes later (I promise!)
I couldn't afford another bump though, so in order to make dinner I moved my new climber into his cage, umm I mean, pack and play!
New things:
Baby T is standing on his own without support for about 3 seconds at a time.
He still laughs all of the time. Well, unless he's really tired and then he just whines! Such a good baby!!
He says, "Mmmm" for "more" and says "mama." He shakes his head "no." He makes funny babbling sounds like "girda-girda-girda"
He loves to feed himself and he likes to eat whatever Caroline and I are having! He ate all of our leftover poppy seed chicken yesterday.
He can climb stairs really well.
He loves to play catch with himself. He'll throw a ball or toy and then crawl fast after it and then throw it again.
He gets really excited and squeals when you "chase" him.
Caroline says, "I love my little brudder!" and squeezes him too tightly in hugs.
I kiss him approx 9000 times a day.
He only uses a paci when he's sleeping. (Thank you!!!!)
He places peek-a-boo at me through the slats in his crib when I go to get him up from sleeping and he laughs hysterically.
I turned his car seat around on his 1st birthday (I'm a stickler for safety rules! Although he was 20 lbs several months ago!)I cried a little about this. Seeing both my sweet kiddos faces in the rear view mirror. There aren't enough words...

The Dash

2010-07-27T11:28:00.010-05:00

Yes, sadly I have neglected my blog once again. I have been busy enjoying the summer and at times I feel like we are busier than during the school year...but as I type that I'm thinking that maybe life is just busy year-round.

I know the following pictures are heart wrenching, but I feel it is important to share them.

My father-in-law, with the family's input, has placed the monument (I really dislike the other word for it now that I've been through this) at the cemetery. It was a long process because we all wanted it to be special, and so he went to great lengths to ensure that.
I am going to retell what Thomas did on Caroline's bathroom wall a week before the accident since it is so significant to the monument.
It was December 30th 2007, I believe, when I went to a "game night" at my good friend Laura's house. Thomas gave Caroline a bath that night before putting her to bed. When I went into her bathroom the next day, this is what I saw:
For those of you who have not had biology class in a few years (or never understood it the first time, like me) this is the Kreb cycle. Thomas was teaching our not quite 2 year old daughter the innerworkings of the cells in our bodies. (He was also practicing drawing if from memory to teach it to his AP Biology class.)
This drawing of the cycle shows how our cells use oxygen to give us LIFE. Thomas took his job teaching high school students very seriously, and he very well probably thought Caroline could handle this science since she is a very advanced little girl ;-)
So, of course, those of you who know me well, know that I do not scour the bathroom walls on a weekly (or monthly...) basis. Thank goodness. Less than a week later the accident occurred.
I was in such a daze for a while so I really don't know or remember how Thomas's family saw the bathroom wall, but they for sure knew the significance (they are all doctors.)
Thomas's older brother has since presented a couple of lectures to Thomas's former students at Har-ber High in their biology classes using Mr. Culp's drawing as the focal point of the lesson. It was a tribute lecture that involved life lessons as well as the importance of understanding biology and why Mr. Culp had a passion for education.
Thomas knew the importance of living life to the fullest. He knew also how life is fueled.
So this leads me to the pictures of the monument.
The front includes lots of words to describe Thomas: son, father, husband, biker, musician for example. It also includes the Spanish and Marshallese words for "friend" because he had such a passion for his ESL Biology class students.
(there isn't an image on the background, the picture turned out like that because of reflections):And the back includes the picture from our bathroom wall. I love that it is in his own handwriting. It also has his signature in the lower right hand corner:
I remember as a teenager hearing that poem about how our entire life is what happens in the little "dash" between the dates of your birth and death. It made an impact on me then. And I think about those dashes when I visit cemeteries. I would wonder how the person spent his or her dash and I would wonder if anyone was still alive that remembered or loved the person.
I think my father in law did an amazing job on the monument. I know anyone passing by it would be able to tell how some of Thomas's dash was spent and how much he is loved.
What's even better than that, though, is because of the kind of person he was, he made lasting impressions on everyone he met and the impact he had on his students and Caroline (and Baby T with my help) will affect the future forever.

From the "dash" poem:
"What matters is how we live and love And how we spend our dash."

I would like to add that it also matters how we are going to spend our time after the final date.

Psalm 90:12 Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

How I let go

2010-06-29T19:36:00.001-05:00

Just for fun picture: cousins Thomas and Sarah getting their money's worth at white water!

A very good friend sent me an email after reading my post "Allowing God to Work" (see below the cousin camp post) and asked how I actually let God take control. I am not an expert at all, but I enjoy being honest and trying to share what I have learned.
I don't have the time or energy to revise my reply to my friend and I gained permission to copy and paste what I wrote here on my blog.
So I'm copying it here in all its glory (sarcasm intended.) (And I did take out names and added the picture from google/istockphoto.com)
The question asked: How did you give it (the stuff I was stubborn about trying to control) to God?
My answer:
Oh goodness. It is a long, continual process. I am glad you asked. I'll try to include it in my next post. Basically I was being stubborn and a little bitter about a few issues. I knew I was holding back from God when I prayed and when I felt bitterness toward Him about my sweet kids not having a dad. (I know they have their Father in God but I still got upset when I felt they were missing out). I also felt guilt at times for feeling happy.
I finally got to a point where I decded to pray and be honest with God about those issues (he knew anyway but He wants us to be honest and forthright with Him) So I started letting other Christian friends that I trusted know about my feelings on those issues and God gave them the right words to say to encourage and pray for me. The issues started being "fixed" before my eyes and I recognized them as answered prayers. That helped build more trust for me to let go a little more each day of the bitterness. I allowed God to really heal my heart and let the guilt go. (guilt really can eat you alive-from the inside out.) the happiness kept growing and I finally could pray completely honestly with Him and tell Him I trust His will and I won't fight against it anymore (listen to that song on my blog) and then He showed me that if I am honest He can heal faster and also all my friends stepped up a notch without me asking and helped me a lot with house and yard
work and spending time really loving my kids and I could tell God was showing me "You let go and let me work". So I have.
I am not saying it is a completed process. I have to continually (on harder days it is hourly!) pray to God to keep taking these "issues" because as a human I naturally start grabbing them back and second guessing. So I just tell Him "Here you go again, sorry I took this (fill in the blank) issue back again."

I talked to a friend about this recently and one of the amazing things about this is that all God needs is mustard seed size faith! (and mustard seeds are tiny!!) we just have to be prepared to open our hearts and trust God with the things in our life that we want to control and He can work amazing things out...even exceed our dreams for what we think we want. He is our Father and He wants better than the best for us. We just have to listen to His words in His bible and with our tiny seed of faith, believe Him, tell Him through prayer we trust and believe and then get the heck out of his way!
I hope this was coherent. I just woke up. We can talk more soon. Love you.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Cousin Camp 2010 Part One

2010-06-27T17:12:00.001-05:00

Aunt Jen and Uncle Mark graciously, or recklessly depending on how you see it, opened their home and acreage up to their nieces and nephews this week. We are all having a blast! High points: "Blokus-ing" Bahpah (see pic above), our own pony rides whenever we want, a humongous blow up water slide that is suitable for humans and canines apparently (see pic below), horses to feed, Oklahoma City Zoo homemade ice cream, cookouts, margaritas and we still have two whole days left! The low points: being stung on my back by a wasp and being pooped on by the Lorikeets at the zoo. Looks like the good is outweighing the bad so far (although that wasp sting really hurt; I keep saying my mantra, "it's all part of the fun, it's all part of the fun..."

(Her daddy would stick his tongue out like this when he was working hard like she is here.)

Yes it rained off and on while at the zoo but any of you who visit zoos in the summer with children know what sweet relief it was!

Here are the awesome shirts Grandma Tracy had made for us all. The design was taken from a drawing that one of Thomas's students did for him several years ago. It reads "I rule the world...because I am a Culp." His students loved and knew him well.

Count for the record: seven adults, six children, eight dogs, fourteen horses, one pony.
And a partridge in a pear tree.

And yes baby T and Sarah are here although they don't seem to make it into my pictures very often! (Thomas on the tram through the zoo.)

Hope our other two cousins can make it next year to Cousin Camp 2011 (If jen and mark invite us back after this crazy, fun adventure!)
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Allowing God to Work

2010-06-17T16:12:00.002-05:00

Let me start off by saying a few months ago I finally surrendered everything in myself to God. I told Him, do with me what You will and I will listen.
As soon as I did that, a happiness and contentment followed that I have never known in my life before.
I clearly remember jumping on our trampoline with Caroline while Thomas sat in his exersaucer a few feet away thinking I have not felt this kind of freedom and contentment before. It was a blessing from God. I knew that I had God's power behind me to raise two amazing, extraordinary children without a husband. God had already shown me how well I was taken care of from my friends and family and that I was OK! I was content. and happy. and ready to do it for the next twenty years or forever if that what was best for my kids.
I have wanted to write a post about my new happiness for a while but that mean-not-from-God- guilt for being as happy as I was would creep in. I felt like some people might judge me for my happiness and wonder why I could be so happy after losing an amazing husband and father to my child(ren). (My breath still gets sucked out of me when I think about how Thomas did not meet his son on this side of heaven...)

My last round through Griefshare at the Fellowship church was what helped me turn a corner. A wonderful, strong Christian woman who was a two-time widow explained how the pain and memories are in technicolor in the first year or so and then the pain becomes less vibrant as in black and white. I remember thinking that may be true for you but not for me.
I doubted her when she said that back in January, but by March I started understanding what she meant. (Remember my post "Spring is Coming"?) Spring came and with it God opened my eyes to how he can make so much good come from terrible things. I had kept holding onto the feeling that I did not want good to come from Thomas' death. How in the world can good come from this??
I finally decided to turn that over to God and He has exceeded my expectations of how good can come and not only it can come, but it should come! We are all heading to a fate like Thomas'. Sure, it may come in a different way and his came in unfair and wrong way in that he was so young and full of amazing promise Hopefully most of us will be able to live out long, full lives. But we are all going to end the way he did, facing God and living eternally elsewhere. Blessedly for Thomas it is heaven and I will do everything in my power to get everyone I know, and some people I do not know, there as well.
God brought the Single Moms' Ministry idea to me and another fellow single mom who I did not even know yet. She also is surrendered to God and happiness is apparent in her words and actions. Those ladies are amazing women letting God direct our paths.
God also sends people to me telling me how they receive encouragement from my blog and my life. Praise God.
Trials will most certainly come in everyone's lives. I just want to let everyone know how much more bearable these are when you have a relationship with God. Even an added bonus is a relationship with a church family. My church has reached out and taken care of us in so many ways that it brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. Your church is a built-in support system that you need during your walk through the valleys, and yet they are there to celebrate with you when you are on the mountain top as well!

I keep this blog so that my kids will be able to read it and see the journey that life is. I can tell them all about the struggles we faced in the early years of their lives, but for them to be able to read it as it unfolds on this blog,I believe, will teach them that at times life is unfair, VERY unfair, hard, and full of times to make choices, yet when you have a real, thriving relationship with God, He directs your path and will exceed your wishes, hopes, and dreams and bring beauty from ashes.
He promises it in His bible, and by the way, God, thank you for already showing me that you mean what you say.

Some lyrics from one of my theme songs from Brandon Heath, "Trust You."

It's never easy changing direction
It's so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions
'Cause I know that you don't work that way

I'm not gonna fight You anymore
I'm not gonna try to lock the door
You took Your life and gave me Yours
There's no reason why
I shouldn't trust You with mine

Some days this weight upon my shoulder
Is my shame I know I should know better
'Cause you say that I must now surrender
There's no other way

Not gonna fight you anymore (not gonna fight you anymore)
I'm not gonna try to lock the door (I needed life You gave me Yours)
You took my life and gave me Yours
There's no good reason why, I shouldn't trust You.

Ps Thomas has two teeth and is crawling!

Sweet Memories

2010-05-30T23:37:00.001-05:00

Caroline having muddy fun with two of the four cousins we are visiting!

An eight hour drive to Texas with me and my sweet kiddos! We honestly had a great drive down and the only time I got frustrated with Caroline was when she told me to turn my music down because she said it was too loud!
I did not even tell her about the borrowed (thank you Mauree!) DVD player until we were six hours into the drive! Cinderella got us through Dallas easily! The garmin was an enormous help (Thanks, Kim!) I told Kim I wished the lady who tells me when to turn would give positive reinforcement after I follow her direction! "in 1.5 miles turn left...great turn, Bonnie! Keep it up, you are almost there!"
the only other annoying event was when my rear view mirror decided to fall off as I adjusted it. Yes, you heard me right. It stinking fell right off the windshield as I was driving. It's not like I have a clunker either, it's a 2007. I managed to make it stay on as we went through Dallas. Funny how you take things for granted unless you really need them! (I am blaming it on the Texas heat. It is so hot!)
Anyway, Caroline and I played the association game for a really long time (I am thinking about fire. She says, that makes me think of camping. I say, that makes me think of s'mores...etc) We laughed a lot about the funny things we came up with. We also sang the "tomorrow" song from Annie and "doe a deer" from sound of music at least twenty times each. Not exaggerating.
Thomas tried to sing and talk with us, but he mainly slept.
Speaking of Thomas! He was a little fussy one day last week-and he is virtully Never fussy. Several people said he is probably teething and each time I would politely say yeah, right-Caroline was 16 months (Can you believe it?!) before her first tooth came in! I remember googling about baby teeth never coming in and of course there is some very rare disorder where people never have teeth grow in!! Thankfully hers all came in! Better late than never! L O N G story short, lo and behold I felt a sharp tiny tooth coming in on his bottom gum! At nine months!!
He also had some real food besides baby food this week. Like his momma, he loves guacamole! He also had beans at the Cyclone Corral Barbecue place! For dessert I let him taste our peach cobbler.
Here is a picture of sweet Thomas so proud of himself after swiping my spoon when I looked away for two seconds!

More on our trip coming soon!

Promises

2010-05-29T15:37:00.000-05:00

Caroline enjoying watermelon during our trip to Texas. Since we've been home a few days she will randomly say 'texas is hot!' I totally agree sweet Caroline!
I have grown a lot in the last couple of months. I have finally decided to come to terms with my new normal and I have surrendered even more to God so that He can work more freely. (Who knew there was so much I was hanging onto and trying to "work out" myself?!)
I am not saying I am completely healed, I just realized I am okay with letting "good" come from the tragedy. I know it must sound strange to hear that I did not want good to come from it. But I was just so hurt that I could not imagine good coming from our horrendous tragedy.
I guess the first surrendering moment I want to record is how God talked me into starting a single moms' ministry. I don't like to use friends' names on my blog without permission so I will do my best to make this as clear as possible.
I have known for a long time that helping others in a similar situation as mine is heart wrenching and yet helps me heal as well. As I finished my second round of griefshare last month, I had the overwhelming desire to share what I had learned with other moms. God opened the door and made it very clear to me.
I was told about the awesome book "my single mom life" by Angela Thomas from a friend who told me the story of how a girl she knew in high school contacted her out of the blue and brought her the book on a stormy night several months ago. Flash forward a few months and I am told by two unrelated friends about a newly single mom of four children. I went to meet her and we immediately hit it off. She also felt God calling her to a moms ministry. She already knew of the book I wanted to use and we made plans for it. That same night I befriended her on facebook and saw we had a mutual friend. The same friend who originally told me about the book. I connected the dots and realized that my new friend with four children was the same woman who dropped the book off on the stormy night to my other friend! So she was the reason I read the book! God has shown me in more ways than this one example that He is in control of the plan. He just needs willing people to carry it out!
We have had one official meeting and it went great. It was a total monsoon right when it was supposed to start but I told God as I was driving in the downpour that He was in control of this ministry and if no one comes that night then it would be His fault and not mine. We still had five moms come and wonderful, selfless matt and meagan babysit all of the kiddos! Immediately after the meeting the rain stopped and there was the most amazing complete double rainbow over our church building. He was telling me that He keeps His promises no matter our circumstances. Here are a few pics of it from my phone.

Letting God have complete control of my life is an amazing, liberating way to live. But it is a continual process. Some days I am better at letting Him have it than others but I strive to talk with Him each day and I just straight up tell Him when it is difficult and I ask Him for help. He has not let me down yet. I completely depend on Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed..."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

One month since my last post...What?!

2010-05-16T16:12:00.005-05:00

Caroline and some friends at sweet Rosemary's Moms' Club meeting. They wore PJs and listened to Rob Button's fun music to help raise money for American Childhood Cancer Organization.

I hope to update tonight, but it may be after midnight so I wanted to post something before it has been officially over a month since my last real post!

VERY short summary of the last month:
We are doing well.
God is teaching me a lot, but the growing pains hurt sometimes!

I can't wait to sort through it all and put it down into a cohesive, coherent blog post. (But if I wait for that to happen, it may NEVER happen!) :-)

So I will leave this post with some verses I am focusing on:

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness... 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (Message)

Yes, he'll banish death forever. And God will wipe the tears from every face. Isaiah 25:8

Thomas Culp's Tale

2010-04-22T21:58:00.001-05:00

See our local TV news' (KNWA) video segment on Har-Ber High School's construction project of an outdoor classroom the students are building in Mr. Culp's memory. These Har-Ber students are amazing. It makes me so happy to be able to show Caroline his students and have recorded what they say about him so we can watch it for years to come. We DVR'd this and watched three times (the third time because Caroline requested.)
Click on the link below-you'll have to watch a really short ad (I kind of wish it could have been an ad for anything else but what it is, oh well.) Then after the ad you have to push the little "play" button again to get it to go!
Click here: Thomas Culp's Tale

Miracle Moments

2010-04-16T16:34:00.008-05:00

Easter Egg Hunt 2010: What blessings (my friends and the babies!) All of these babies were delivered by Dr. Birch!

Thanks for taking these pics, Meagan!

Wow, it has been a while since I've updated my blog. I have written a few posts in my mind, but I either haven't had the time to type it out or once I "wrote" them in my brain I didn't feel the need to vent it on here :-)
My sister made me an awesome CD of Christian songs that I'm listening to right now. Third Day's King of Glory is playing right now as I type this and it is distracting because I just want to sing along and praise Jesus for the amazing things He's doing in my life. (Listen to it below!)

I feel like God is stretching and "growing" me daily. In the last week alone I have learned so much in my bible studies and GriefShare group that I'm not even sure I can condense it into one post...but I'm going to try!
In our ladies bible study on Thursday night we studied the lies women believe about emotions. Just because we feel something does not mean that it is true. "We may feel unloved, but that does not mean we are unloved, we may feel alone, but that does not mean we are alone...The Truth is, God is good, whether I feel like He is or not...we must remember that "feeling good" is not the ultimate objective in the Christian's life..." (DeMoss pgs194 and 210)

Wow: How well do I know the above to be true! I've said it myself in earlier posts-we are not told that when we become Christians we will live suffering-free lives and all will be well--actually we are told that we will suffer.
I believe it is our response and reactions to the trials in life that shows our God and those around us our true beliefs and character. We can't just talk the talk, we have to walk the walk.

Sweet Thomas-He is a perfect baby in every way.

In the last two weeks of our GriefShare group I have learned:
"we may be thinking that the absence of pain is a sign of healing. Real healing is characterized by the presence of both joy and pain."
I still struggle at times with feeling guilty for being happy. In this GriefShare session we talked about how pain and joy coexist and that grief can actually expand your ability to feel joy...eventually.
I love this from my notes, "If you believe He is good during the "good" times, He is good during the bad." "In a fallen world, pain is a part of life. When it comes, express your confidence in God's ability to use your suffering for good, by being joyful about your inevitable character development."
Some days I can say amen to this "inevitable character development", and yet some days I am upset about this development because it came from such a horrendous event--that probably doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel.....I am working on this though!

We also had a wonderful conversation about how we get to have "glimpses of Heaven" in what GriefShare calls "miracle moments." First of all I was amazed to hear that the majority of people going through grief have also experienced these "moments" as I have. I have felt that maybe I was reading too much into these moments, but now I feel like I have confirmation that they are from God (as I thought they were!) I think most of you out there have had these experiences, but maybe not considered the source.My adorable nephew, Jett. How I love you!!

Non-christians and skeptics would call them coincidences. I've heard somewhere that coincidences are when God wants to be remain anonymous and actually the day after this GriefShare discussion my friend Shelly's mom ran into me and brought this topic up herself! She says, "It's not odd, it's God!" I love that. SO it's not odd that she ran into me the day after our miracle moment discussion at Griefshare, it was God showing his control and love for me and my life.

I also know some people may get hung up on the word "miracle," don't let it! I'm not talking about miracles like when Jesus turned water into wine (although He, of course, still has the power to do this today!) I'm talking about the miracle moments like God giving me a sister who loves me with such an unconditional love that it feels my eyes with tears. And another miracle moment when Caroline told me back in late November that daddy had told her that Hannah was in heaven with him when Caroline was just two years old and had no background knowledge of Hannah's serious situation.
Sweet Caroline is growing up: Just this week "Step-pool" turned to "stepstool" at least you still say "Slipslop" for flipflop! :-)

Another miracle moment for me was the terrible day of the funeral when I absolutely could not will my muscles to lift myself out of bed and I said a short prayer and--there is no other way to describe it--God lifted me out of that bed and made my feet walk to the car. I did not move myself-I am certain. It was Him.
I am unable to list every miracle moment that I have had in the past year and a half--it would take hours! Lots of the moments come as an email or phone call at the exact moment I need it. Or a prayer that is answered so obviously, for example--I have been wanting to learn more about the bible to be able to teach my children and the PERFECT study is presented. It has taken about a month to go from Genesis 1:1 to chapter 20, but that is a perfect pace for me and my limited knowledge!

On a smaller miracle scale, but just as mighty of a miracle is what I see in my children. Caroline's love for God and caring heart is growing before my very eyes and baby Thomas' sweet constant smiles bring me glimpses of heaven on a daily basis. Thank you, God.
"Heaven is real, and everyone on earth has the choice to go there. Nothing on earth compares with heaven...A person in heaven wouldn't even want to come back here. While I wait for my turn to be with You in heaven, help me to live purposefully and be devoted to doing your work." (Griefshare Session 13)

Spring Mission Project 2010: Our House!!

2010-03-27T15:28:00.012-05:00

(My computer says it doesn't have enough memory for my pictures from my camera! Argh! Thanks to Janice for letting me borrow some pics from her blog! Janice, thank you for working so hard for me--This picture below is how everyone will remember you! Did you ever take a break??)

There are not enough words to thank those who helped and/or prayed us through this past weekend! Side note: I was about to say on this post how I wished the English language had a lot more words for "thank you" like how the Eskimos have tons of words for "snow," but to be accurate about the number I googled "number of Inuit words for snow" and found that this is actually an urban legend! (Play NBC's "The More You Know" music in your head right now)

My wonderful sister and amazing friend, Dori, planned a service project for anyone who wanted to help me at my house last weekend. I needed help fixing some things around the house and also several rooms had a gray-ish paint and we needed to put some "spring" cheer into our house. I wasn't even able to count (someone said around 30) how many people came, my eyes are filled with tears right now as I think about all of those people who out of the goodness of their hearts gave up their ENTIRE Saturday to work for me, my sweet kids and to glorify God.

I truly believe that Northwest Arkansas has more selfless, caring people than anywhere else in the state. (I did not complete a scientific survey on it, but I am really good at observing.)

Autumn had the great idea to let people write bible verses on the walls before we painted them. I LOVE knowing that these verses are forever on our walls under the new paint and, of course, etched in our hearts.

What amazing people I have surrounding us.

I have to admit I was a little worried that it was going to be left up to me to climb the ladders and finish the trim once the crazy March blizzard hit. It dumped 13 inches of snow! But it could not keep Dori, Clint, Becky, Travis, Tyler and Nellie from coming back the next day to finish up! I need not every worry. I have amazing friends who are examples of what Christians should be to each other. LOVE YOU GUYS! Now that the bulk of the painting was finished, Tara H. has spent several days helping me organize my house. She truly has a gift! At one point I pulled out everything out of my bathroom cabinets and about gave up and shoved it all back in, but she did not miss a beat by showing me how to tackle the job! I have joked in the past that I have .05% hoarder in me, but I can say that I am now a recovering hoarder. I feel that I have been cured! I can now say I completely understand the value of a label gun and numerous plastic tubs. It was extremely difficult to come across some items from Thomas and I's past as we progressed through the miniature archaeological dig of our twelve years of dating and marriage together. I have kept every thing of Thomas's because I want Caroline and Baby T to use it all to get to know their daddy. I enjoyed seeing his handwriting on burnt CDs of music and thought how neat it will be to listen to it with the kids as they get older and "share" that with their dad...

Enough about that part of it for now... I can say that more laughs were had than cry fests this week. Dori, Nellie, Becky and I had a ton of fun taking snow pictures in our "Spring is here" t-shirts Becky made for the weekend. How ironic that it would snow 13 inches on the first day of spring--or is it coincidental? Thomas and I used to talk about how people wrongly use the "ironic" term. Now I can't remember how to use it. I hope to get help w/ my computer and have before and after shots of my house on my next post. Stay Tuned!

Things I don't want to forget from this month: Caroline listening to the "God of Wonders" song says, "This song makes me cry. Sometimes people cry when they are happy."

Caroline kissing her daddy's picture.

Baby Thomas ALWAYS smiling. Always.

Baby T lifting his tummy off the ground in the crawl postition! (Not close to crawling yet, 22 lbs is a lot to get moving!)

Bare arms and snow angels. (I laughed so hard I cried about how we look like "Flat Stanlies" in this picture. The snow was so deep, our bodies were even with the top of it!)

Caroline seeing her trampoline for the first time. She is speechless!

Becky and I watching and listening to Caroline on the baby monitor go into Thomas's room to rub his head, kiss him and tell him "I love you" without her knowing.

Cutie Caroline at Sara and Aiden's Gymnastic Joe's Bday party

Caroline, Aly and Thomas at the Walton Arts Center. All the way there Caroline kept saying, "I'm so excited!"

(She's eating fruit snacks provided by Robyn--Thanks, Rob!)

Last, but not least...Becky's birthday dinner with the family tonight. We are so blessed.

Frog Sounds are Back

2010-03-07T22:43:00.005-06:00

A picture taken by Thomas with his cell phone: (thanks, Adam for helping me get them onto my computer!)

My title means we've just about made it to spring. I was putting Thomas down to sleep in his crib and I heard the familiar "chirping" noises coming from the frogs singing their hearts out across the road in the pond. My breath stopped in my throat for just a moment as I remember posting about these very sounds last year and the piercing pain it brought because that was such a special memory for me. And here they are again.Thomas telling Mollie that we are supposed to pat the bible, not eat it. Too cute.

What do those sounds mean to me? So many things. I've made it another year. It means the spring I have been longing for all winter is here. (Don't get me wrong, I know in Arkansas you do not run out and plant your tomatoes until the last freeze that is sure to come in March, this warm weather is just a tease for now.)

But, spring is working its way through to us. I stepped outside for just a minute and listened, and then noticed the hint of warm spring on my skin while standing in the dark of night, but only feeling the warmth in between the wafts of the cold breeze that is trying its best to let us know winter has not quite let go of its grip on us. The elation and excitement that comes to me each time a season changes was so short lived tonight, I was not sure it even happened. I have been moaning about how awful and long the winter has been and how I can't wait for spring, blah, blah blah--and here it is, just what I wanted, and yet, it is an empty feeling I am left with. Replaced in about 1.5 seconds later with the realization that this is a lesson from God that I have been faced with over and over. No matter what we want, or think we want or need, once we get "it," we realize it doesn't fulfill that longing. Only God can do that. So, as I am eager to shed our coats and jackets once and for all, I go confidently into tomorrow knowing that there is a way to fill that "hole" in my heart and it is not going to come with spring. It is coming from my growing relationship with Jesus. Of course, the spring sunshine and being able to explore the big outdoors with Caroline and Thomas will do great things for my spirits. Yet, I just know that the only way to feel as complete as possible after suffering a loss like we have and for anyone feeling God is not giving them what they need or want: I ALWAYS feel more alive and more "okay" the closer I am to Him, and when I take my eyes off of Him for even a few moments I can tell the difference. So please, all of you, hold me accountable and keep my sweet little family of 3 on the path to know and experience God in all the ways we possibly can. Thank you for all your prayers. Now go outside and enjoy God's creation!Happy 1st Birthday, Ben! We LOVED your backyard!

God is Love.

2010-02-28T15:29:00.003-06:00

I have no idea what the title of this post will be yet, maybe I'll decide by the end of writing it.
It has been another coaster ride these past few weeks. I have laughed hard and cried hard, Thomas was sick last weekend, I started going back to GriefShare one night a week, Caroline got sick on Friday, I am trying to keep up with the classes I'm teaching, reading three "improving my self" books, and trying to enjoy every ordinary and extraordinary moment all while riding the Grief Coaster. Whew.
I don't really have a focus for this post, I just wanted to touch base with the blogger world and let everyone know that Thomas is now rolling both ways and Caroline thanked me for helping her feel better. They melt my heart continually.A sweet, new friend recommended a fantastic book called "My Single Mom Life" by Angela Thomas. This passage today struck me, especially since my previous post had to do with "ordinary" moments:
from pg 179:
"Maybe this morning you woke up in your ordinary bed and rolled over to look at an ordinary pillow where no ordinary man sleeps. You walked into your ordinary bathroom and stared at that ordinary woman with the ordinary puffiness underneath her ordinary eyes...Maybe, right this minute,you need to hear God's voice saying to you, Hey, you with the heavy load. Lay it down. Just put it all right here in front of Me. All your dreams and your insecurities and your pain. Everything those kids want you to be. All your worry and the responsibilities that are too much for one woman to bear. The disappointment over how life turned out. Your weakness and your weariness and your aching body. The constant needs that never go away and the little battles that just rip out your joy. Lay it down and come to Me. Come in your ordinary. It's OK. I do extraordinary work with ordinary women like you. These circumstances will not win. Love has the final say.
I think it helped me to read that today, because as I was scrubbing red popsicle throw up out of my carpet Friday night, I realized that, although it wasn't "fun," I am staying strong with God's help. I didn't break down like I would have a few months ago--I let a friend come over (THANKS MEAGAN C.!!) and take care of Thomas while I took care of Caroline. I am allowing people to help. Several awesome friends brought dinner this week and helped me get my kids in bed. My mom came Saturday and as Caroline was getting better, let me go to church to have a break. I am NOT alone at all. God is giving me the strength to do the best I can and when I can't do it alone, He sends help. It might be someone coming to help, a text message saying "I prayed for you today" or new friends that are in similar situations that can say "I hear you and I feel the same way, too." God's love is never ending and it is unconditional--I can say that love does have the final say. Love is such a gift from God. I am coming to terms that I do not know how our future will play out. I trust God. I am going to allow Him to do amazing things in our lives. My love for Thomas will continue through until the day I see his amazing smile in heaven, and my love for my children, friends and family is a piece of heaven I get to experience right now. And I thank Him for that.

The Gift of an Ordinary Day

2010-02-21T23:14:00.003-06:00

My sweet friend, Ashley, posted this video on her blog. The tears fell freely from my eyes while reflecting during this video. I am crying for the joy of the blessing of my two babies and I am crying in sadness that I will never have an "ordinary day" again. Each moment or day is unordinary for me because Thomas is not here to share those ordinary moments.
I have always been a "savor every moment" type of person, but this video put many things into perspective for me. I've been pretty down for a couple of weeks now (more down than usual, I should say,) but after watching this, I am praying to God tonight to change my heart from longing for the past and the way I think our lives should have been to pouring my heart and soul into the present and simply loving my children for the amazing gifts that they are and fervently praying for them to have hearts for Him...As they lie sweetly, sleeping in their beds at this very moment.

He Rolls!!!

2010-02-13T18:34:00.002-06:00

My sweet baby rolled yesterday!! I didn't catch the actual first roll on video, but here is his 4th roll from yesterday!
I told Caroline, "And now our world changes again!" We are going to have to do some serious baby proofing! Why does it seem like every toy for a 3 year old comes with 5,212 tiny pieces? :-)
ps I lost my voice last Tuesday and it has taken what seems like FOREVER to come back. That's why in this video I sound like a lounge singer. (No offense to lounge singers-I think their voices sound really cool.)

Hearts for Hannah

2010-02-11T22:41:00.000-06:00

Source

I will be participating and I hope you all will, too! Let me know what you do (or post it on her blog) and I will pass it on to her. What a great idea, Kimberly!!

My dear friend, Kimberly, posted the following on her Caringbridge site:

"As I've mentioned before, Hannah would have turned 5 on Monday, Feb. 15. I cannot really even describe how much I dread that day- as I said in previous posts, she was so excited to "get 5" and get to go to kindergarten. I hadn't had the heart to explain to her that she didn't get to go to school that very day... that she would have to wait until August. Anyway, I began thinking of a way that I could make her birthday have some sort of positive connotation and help others along the way. So, I would like to call Monday a "Hearts for Hannah" day (I had always thought it would be fun to have a Valentine's themed birthday party for her, but I never got the chance).

All of you precious people who so obviously have "Hearts for Hannah", I'm asking you to do something for someone on Monday (or whatever day works best for you) and tell us about it. Selfishly, I think that this will really help us make it through the day. Give blood (or remind us about how you already donated), pay for someone's order behind you in line, leave a surprise note for someone, tell someone you love him/her and why, etc. I'm sure you can think of many more ideas than I ever could.

I'm going to try and get some big hearts to take to church, school, Nana's office, etc. if people wouldn't mind writing down how they had "Hearts for Hannah". Hopefully I can record posts from here, Facebook etc. on hearts. I would like to put these together in a scrapbook for Caleb to see someday. One of my greatest dreams for him is to really know one day how much impact his big sister had.

I know everyone is so busy, and I don't want to add any stress to your lives.... but if you have a chance to participate Monday, thank you in advance. And if you don't, that's ok too!"

Spring Is Coming

2010-02-05T22:26:00.006-06:00

How I love him. And miss him.

Kimberly wrote on her caringbridge about how this weather is hard for her as well. She quoted Steven Curtis Chapman's song from the album, Beauty Will Rise, which I referenced in my last post...
"My heart's heavy now, but I'm not letting go of this hope that I have, that tells me spring is coming...and all we've been hoping, longing for, soon will appear... spring is coming, spring is coming... it won't be long now, it's just about here."

I had remembered Thomas had taken a picture of a beautiful flower one spring that would be perfect for this post, but I happened to stumble across some pictures I had never seen. I thought this past summer I had meticulously gone through every digital picture and file on our computer to save/print everything having to do with Thomas, but somehow this random folder of pictures was missed by me! It is such a gift to see these. I selected my favorite one to use.

It makes a huge knot in my stomach, seeing us together in this picture, not a care in the world, enjoying the weather in our front yard of our dream house we moved into only the month before with our beautiful 14 month old (at the time) daughter.

Watching the weather forecast tonight I see another winter storm predicted for Monday. This is the winter that will never end. I know I am being a little dramatic. It is just that I was in such a state of shock all last year that I did not really "experience" the seasons. This year I am more aware maybe? I don't know--I just know this snow and ice has got to let up eventually. As I mentioned in the post before the last ice storm, I packed up my children and went to Robyn and Donny's. I am so blessed to have them. The girls played so well together and Thomas was perfect (except at night, and at least he didn't bother anyone but me!)
I hate the feelings I have when I think about how if Thomas were here someone could stay with our baby boy inside while the other would play with our daughter in the snow. Such a simple thing, yet we can't do it.
I so appreciate that Donny took the time and energy to build a snowman with Aly and Caroline. It is the little things that mean the most to me.
Although I knew it was the right decision, it was hard being away from home. This was also the year anniversary of last year's ice storm when we were the wandering nomads looking for electricity. It was just a few weeks after the accident and in my first trimester of pregnancy, which is not very much fun even under normal circumstances, so I think it was hard because I felt as if I was reliving last January.
As soon as I start to feel like I can do more on my own, I get knocked back to reality that I can't do it all. I knew I could not, for emotional reasons, be snowed in with my sweet kiddos last week without outside contact. (I keep trying to find a way to reference the book and movie The Shining in this post and how Jack Nicholson's character goes crazy while being snowed in, but I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea about my mental stability so I will have to let it go.)
This upcoming snow storm, so they say, should not be as bad, we will see.

My new favorite quote came from the same post of Kimberly's I mentioned above. She read it in the Arkansas Children's Hospital newsletter and shared it:

"Courage does not always roar- sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says I think I will try again tomorrow."

I think I will.

Sweet Caroline Marie Turns 3!!!!

2010-02-02T22:16:00.012-06:00

Thank you for my new header, Ashley! You always know exactly what I need without me asking you!

February 2, 2007 9:07pm 7lbs 15oz-PERFECT (linked to the original post)

As I thought about posting pictures from her last birthdays, I realized that Thomas was only at one birthday party (two if you count her birth!--Which I do.) Realizations like that are like a sucker punch to my stomach. HE WAS AN AMAZING DADDY! He loved Caroline so much! All of his students still tell me stories about how he talked about Caroline all the time in class at Har-Ber.
Anyway, I don't want this to be a sad post for her birthday-but I want to "keep it real" and this is the way it goes.
I found a few pictures that I had not posted before of Thomas and Caroline around her first birthday.

These pictures were taken for her first birthday. She is such a "mini-me" of Thomas!

Caroline showing off the hand-made blocks that Bapah and Daddy made her for her 1st birthday!
(Two seconds later after taking this picture we had to talk to her about not throwing them!)

The picture below was on the first snow of the season. Exactly one month before the accident and about two months before she turned two.
Her 2nd birthday(link to the post):

Turning three(!) at Cake Party in Springdale!Thanks to my family and friends who came to share this special night with us.
It was a blast. Thomas wore himself out. Luckily, Mimi and Rosemary were willing to hold him most of the night!
Fun times. Sweet Caroline and Aly Claire gobbling up their tasty creations.

(I couldn't resist-Here are Aly and Caroline 2-2-07 Aly was 6 weeks old)

Serious Thomas wondering when he will get to try the cupcakes...
Poppy with Jett looking like the mischevious monkey on his shirt...
Caroline, I cannot begin to tell you how wonderful God made you. You are special, thoughtful, caring, considerate, polite, intelligent and funny. I do not know how to put in words how amazing you are. I love how you squinch up your eyes and hold my face in your hands when you want to show me how much you love me. I love how you love your little brother and kiss him all the time. I love how you are so willing to come running when I call to you to see what new trick Thomas can do so that I would have someone to share that joy with. I love how you take care of me in more ways then you can know. I love how, today, in the car you were listening to me tell someone that I was losing my voice and you asked me if Ursula took it (from the Little Mermaid movie.) I love how you have been talking about about Daddy so much lately. I was trying to reach for something in the backseat while driving and I told you I was sorry I couldn't get it and you told me if Daddy were here, he could reach it because he has long arms. I love that when I wistfully said that I was ready for spring to come, you replied "I miss Daddy." You are so intuitive to know that is what I really meant. I love your sweet innocence when you told me that when Daddy got back from Heaven he would be waiting for us at home. I am so glad I got to tell you that instead of Daddy coming to us, that we will go to Daddy when God decides. I love you, sweet Caroline. -Mommy

Another ice storm. Will it ever end?

2010-01-27T13:38:00.005-06:00

Thank you for all of your prayers! I have not had another migraine (knock on wood) and we have gained possibly 3 new bible study members! Our new study looks awesome, Lies Women Believe: And the Truth That Sets Them Free by Nancy DeMoss. (Thanks, Tara for the suggestion and for the pjs above!)
I won't write about how the kids' sleeping is going because any of you who blog and have children know about the curse that happens when you write about it...I'll leave it at that! :-)
As I am about to pack our whole house (or so it seems) to stay with my BFF for the last 23 years, Robyn, to ride out this next ice storm, my nerves are all on edge. I HATE ice.
My reflection on the last year continues as my birthday just passed and Caroline's 3rd is right around the corner. I vividly remember a day in July when I was huge pregnant and putting away dishes from the dishwasher when my hand froze mid-air while putting a glass in the cabinet, when I realized that it was the first time I had the energy to put away dishes by myself. I broke down and cried.
It is such a strange thing to try to explain that it actually hurts me to realize I am getting more used to this new normal. I feel like I don't want to get used to it-what does that mean if I am? Am I forgetting how awful our situation is? Am I getting more okay with the acceptance of our situation? That he is not coming back? I almost want to stay miserable--this is really hard to explain...So anyway, it is obvious to me how far we have come now that I am able to take care of more responsibilites. Don't get me wrong-I still have to have tons of help (for example: my mom still takes care of my sweet kiddos while I teach my college class and does most of our laundry, Matt M. is also my "go to" baby sitter at church, Nellie and Jed are my valet and baby holder at church, Meagan and Chris C. have a standing "dinner date" with us once a week to let me work on my class stuff, Reba brings us meals all the time and, of course, Becky is always ready to let me pour my heart out or help in anyway she can and on and on.) I just feel like I am getting more used to toting around both kiddos to events and juggling feedings, cleanings, diapers, bills, baths by myself. I figure I will have time to myself when they go to college in 20 years. :-)
Sadly, our unique group of young widows with young children grew last week. The Elkins Superintendent passed away unexpectantly leaving his wife and 9-year old daughter. We have a super close connection through Tennille, but I have not met this family yet.
My whole body aches when I think about what they are going through right now and what is to come in the coming months. I really feel ill when I think about it. I look forward to meeting her and helping in any way I can.
We started a three Sunday grief class at church this week. I don't want to be a downer to all of you, but I think it important for me to share what our sweet elder told us. He reminded us that every single person will go through grief at some point in their lives. For some people it is sooner in their lives than others, but it will happen. It is how our world works and it started in Genesis 2. I guess what I want others to take away from this is if you have not experienced grief yet, you will. So you might as well prepare as much as you can before hand by belonging to a church who can help you through it (I don't know what I would have done without mine) and CHERISHING EVERY MOMENT in life.
I was driving Caroline to dance and she was singing "Itsy Bitsy Spider" to her brother in the carseat next to her. I tried to soak everything about the moment into my memory and thank God for the blessing of her sweet spirit. She constantly says, "I love my brudder" and "I love you, ma-ma!" She still says, "Shanks" for "thanks" and "Step-pool" for "stepstool." Precious.
Thomas smiles so incredibly easy and I LIVE IN THAT MOMENT when he smiles so big at me-using all of my senses to take in the sweetness.We are not promised tomorrow-we are actually promised that loss will happen-"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born, and a time to die;" Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 But the promise of ETERNITY with our loved ones is also ours for the taking, you just have to ask for it! “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16
Stay warm and safe.

Recommended listening: Beauty Will Rise by Stephen Curtis Chapman It is so amazing-seriously, check it out. Kimberly gave it to me and it has been so encouraging for me-it is for anyone who is grieving or needs encouragement to keep going.

Our Last Two Weeks: A Novel by Bonnie Culp

2010-01-15T11:55:00.009-06:00

Caroline sampling Christmas cookies to leave for Santa
(Thanks Tara S. or we would not have had any!)

Right now Caroline is happily playing with a new play-doh set (thanks Meagan and Matt!) and Thomas is enjoying watching her from his bouncy seat-which means I have T-minus 3 minutes until someone needs me!
I have written so many blog posts in my mind these last couple of weeks and it feels so good to be getting some of it actually on my blog right now.

I have to start with yesterday.

Disclaimer #1: If you are queasy skip down to the ****below.
Disclaimer #2: I am not exaggerating one iota about anything you are about to read below.
Disclaimer #2b: Just because I wrote what I did on disclaimer #2 does not mean in any way do I ever exaggerate in my blog posts-I just want to make clear that I am being completely factual and objective in my description below.

At 11:02am yesterday (I know this because I looked back at the time on my phone) I texted Becky that I had finished my class at Leverett. I noticed that I could not see what I what I was typing to her because my right eye was acting as if I had stared into a bright light. I chalked it up to allergies and finished my errand before getting back in the car to head home. When I got in my car I realized that my eye was worse. I called my mom and tried to explain it to her. She immediately described it perfectly-it was like looking through a prism and you are unable to see straight on and then the blindness moves to be just on the periphery. She said that I should head home quickly because this is exactly what happens to her twenty minutes before a migraine starts.
I have never had a migraine before.
I managed to get home and try to help my mom (she had Caroline, Thomas and Jett) before the pain started.
I am having to pause typing this right now and remind myself to breath as I try to describe this.
I put Thomas in his favorite Rainforest stationary jumper and laid down on our guest bed-it was the closest place to lay down.
Every breath I took intensified the pain over and behind my left eye. I gritted my teeth as the pressure built.
I heard my mom come and get Thomas, but I could not open my eyes or acknowledge her presence-I was in a fetal position holding on to dear life.
I tried to think about something else other than the pain and even my thoughts made the pain worse. I felt something wet on my face and realized tears were streaming down and yet I was not crying.
I had begun to feel nautious early on. I now knew I was going to throw up.
(I believe one of the worst feelings is having to frantically look for a container to throw up in when there is nothing available.)
I found a wipey box-dumped the wipes and waited a few moments. My mom came and I told her I needed something bigger to throw up-and then I threw up-a lot-in that stupid wipes container with the Disney movie "Cars" them around the outside.
I then moved to the huge bowl my sweet mom brought and asked her to hold my hair (Don't you love moms) as I threw up more.
I finally collapsed back onto the bed and held on for more pain.
----The three minutes of typing ended-just so you know-Thomas needed a diaper change, Caroline needed help making a red butterfly and now he is down for a nap and Caroline is eating lunch, so an hour later, I am back recounting the worst pain I have ever known in my life----
Where was I? The pain...I have lost all semblance of time, I remember thinking these thoughts: "I remember reading in a magazine that if you have the worst headache of your life that you should go to the doctor-how in the world do I get there, Mom can't carry me to the car, we have three kids here, I can't move from this fetal position (I later find out that I was in the position not moving for around two hours straight with no relief from the pain) someone is going to have to call 911, I wonder if they will be able to find out house?" Other thoughts (more like flashes of thought, because with this much pain I could not think about anything longer than two seconds at a time) "I would rather pass out." "It would hurt less to lose an appendage-at least then my body would be in shock and I couldn't feel the pain." But, at the height of the pain-which I do not know at all how long this went on-all I could think was, "Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus, Dear Jesus." i am not kidding. That was it. I've never taken the Lord's name in vain in my entire life, and I was not then either, it was cry to the Lord to take the pain or take me.
As I mentioned in Disclaimer #2 I am not exaggerating at all. I felt the need to repeat this disclaimer here.
My dear, wonderful, awesome, amazing momma brought me a wet, cold washcloth at some point after the first throw up, I think. I had to have a fan blowing on me, but my body was freezing. I could, at this point, now think more than two seconds at a time. I could think about ten seconds at a time without losing my train of thought. I then knew I was going to throw up again! Good grief.
After that bout of throwing up, I then felt well enough to turn over onto my left side for the first time all afternoon. I lay there hearing my poor mom taking care the kids wishing I could help, but I still could not move. I heard Uncle Travis come in to pick up Jett and I could not believe it was already around 3:30pm. Caroline came in at some point and I was afraid she was going to try to climb on the bed and knock over my bowl of throw up, so I told her not to get up here and she said, "I was just bringing you a puppy dog to make you feel better!" She then kissed my forehead and left. Precious baby.
Around 4:30pm I decided to try and sit up and test it out. My vision was still weird, but the intense pain seemed to be over.
I walked downstairs and saw Caroline smile so big when I told her I felt better. I found my poor momma and she said she didn't think I'd be out of bed the rest of the night. I could not believe I was, either.
I could not move fast, but I could move and that was amazing to me. I managed to smile, talk and begin to feel "normal" again. The headache reduced to just a typical headache pain. (I still have a "whisper" of the headache today and my jaw hurts from clinching my teeth.) I told my mom today that I should have felt in my ear to see if my brain was oozing out from exploding in my skull. She said that was a good description of what a migraine feels like. We compared notes and she began having migraines at about 30 years of age. I am truly hoping this was just a one time thing from all of the stress this last month, but I am still talking to my doctor about at an appointment I made in a couple of weeks.

***************************Queasy people can begin to read here.***********************

(I am including random pictures from the last month throughout the rest of the post-thanks to Becky and Meagan C. for providing pictures.)The 3 Little Bears: Ben, Thomas, Jett

What stress have I been under the last month or so, you might ask? (Ha, I know you wouldn't ask-you can already imagine probably)
Backing up to December (really Thanksgiving, I guess) the dread of the holidays without Thomas and the one year anniversary (that seems like too "positive" a word for it, but that's all I can think of to call it) looming was awful.
On top of that, Thomas got sick in early December with congestion, fever stuff. I took him to the after hours clinic and they made me come back the next morning again to make sure it wasn't pneumonia. It wasn't, but, wow-scary.
Then as I mentioned in the previous post, Caroline got sick right before Christmas (still grateful to Leigh"Ro-ro"Ward) and then within three hours of arriving home after spending a wondeful week at Mimi and Poppy's Thomas fever started. A few friends had come over to spend a quiet New Year's Eve with us at our house (I've realized after being gone any length of time, it helps my emotions tremendously to plan on having someone visit us right when we get home. It helps ease the transition for me and keeps the quietness of our house not so loud-if that makes sense.)His fever started right when our friends arrived, so instead of discussing how 2010 will be better for us than 2009 and enjoying each other's company I was holding Thomas constantly taking his temperature to see how high it was getting. Long story short (moms and dads know what nights are like when kids are sick-I do not need to describe that) his fever got up to 103.5 the next morning, which was of all things-New Year's Day. Our clinic was closed until the next day, so another day of me holding him, checking his temp, making sure he was drinking etc. (BIG thanks to Becky, Travis, Tara and Jacob for letting Caroline play with you all and have another sleep over at the Hudson's. She had a blast.) I finally made it to January 2nd and to the clinic by 8:30 in the morning only to find out what I already knew. It was the same virus Jett had over Christmas and there was nothing they could do for him. So finally by January 3rd he seemed to be doing better and I could breathe in-only to realize how close the "anniversary" was getting.
On January 4th I began to feel the prayers.
January 4th was a Monday this year, in-service for teachers (Just as the day of the accident was the first Monday back for teachers and an in-service.) Only this time we had snow and (visible!) ice on the ground and the in-service was cancelled.
WHY oh Why could that not have been last year!? Why not just a even a hint of snow or ice or even a mention of it in the forecast last year and, for sure, Thomas would have been EXTRA careful (He was always careful.) Why couldn't it have been last year when the in-service was cancelled?--All questions I have already pondered for 364 days, but brought fresh when the snow came this cold, Monday.
I am sure every Springdale teacher thought about how this in-service was cancelled and that I was at home alone with my two sweet kiddos and he should have been with us enjoying hot "toe-toe" and each other's company, excited that we had an extra day of Christmas vacationt to spend together.
I wish I could describe the feelings of those prayers that day. I felt like I was on some sort of "high" all the time knowing it was all from God. Caroline and I (holding Thomas) danced to fast music most of the day and played with her many Christmas presents, enjoying each other so much. It was the best feeling. I told a friend the next night that I wish I could start a rotation with everyone who was praying for me that morning and we could all pray all day for someone and each day do that until every person who prayed for me could feel the way that I did that day.
So the winter storm continued and school was cancelled again, Tuesday, January 5th-the one year mark. I awoke that morning not knowing how I would feel. Good that I made it to one year? Terrified? Of course, sad? I knew that my sister had planned an entire day for me so I decided I would get out of bed for her. My mom was coming to take care of my precious kiddos. I went through the motions, not feeling much until about an hour after waking up and then it was waves of grief. Each crest higher than the last, flashes of that morning one year ago.
The phone call that awoke me, deciding whether or not to wake my almost two-year-old after her first night in her big girl bed. Dori arriving to babysit. Becky arriving to drive me to the hospital-the next few hours (Way too terrible for even me to describe on my blog. You may be surprised, but the darkest parts I cannot even write about.)
I went back to my room once my mom came to take care of Caroline and Thomas to decide if I could make it.
Becky came and told me I didn't have to do anything that day if I did not want to-Have I mentioned how awesome she is?-I knew that she had some special things planned so I sucked in my emotions that were spilling onto my sweater and stood up.
I am just going to list the things we did because my heart is starting to beat faster remembering and I can't handle reliving it all right now.
She surprised me by having some great friends meet us at the accident site. They set up a beautiful cross and we prayed. We went to lunch at a favorite restaurant (this was so much fun) and then I got to go home to take a nap! (Naps are precious for me-Thomas still wakes up several times a night.) Then she got me up to go see the movie New Moon with her (so fun) and then we raced over to Dori's house. Blessedly, the roads were mainly clear so that everyone could make it this amazing celebration of my husband's life that was planned so carefully by my sister and friends.
I was completely amazed at the trouble they went to for me. They had printed color programs for the night, pictures already printed from placing the cross that morning, a book for people to write their memories of Thomas in (I have not read yet, I'm waiting for the right time...,) the words to all the songs printed out for everyone to sing and gobs of food and hot chocolate!
The 35 or so of us visited and ate. Even dear Kimberly came. I know how hard it must have been for her.
We sang a capella (Church of Christ style!) some of our favorite songs. It sounded like heaven (thanks, Jacob for leading us!) Scott and Denise, our precious campus ministers who are about to leave with their family to live in Ireland for mission work came and comforted me. Scott, who was our speaker at Thomas's funeral last year, prayed and shared comforting passages from the bible. Becky played a slideshow she had made of Thomas's life and included encouraging messages about the fun in the years to come with the blessings of new life that happened this past year. We sang some more-it was like being in heaven, truly. Lots of tears-not just sad tears, but also hopefilled tears were shed. And then, the end of January 5, 2010 came to an end. We had made it. We had survived the day.The next days were a little tough, too. The weather continued to leave us with -15 degree wind chills and school was cancelled for the entire week. Caroline, Thomas and I played by ourselved for several days until Becky was able to brave the cold and come visit us.
With the events of the week, the weather and sickness my spring semester of teaching was upon me before I could hardly turn around. I was stressed to the max trying to figure out when I could work on my school stuff. God provided again and Meagan and Chris C. came over to bring dinner and Chris fixed things around the house for me. They even came back the next day after church to let me work for several hours getting my syllabus ready and lesson plans for the week. Mimi then came Monday to let me work some more and attend meetings.
I am so thrilled to be teaching a 7 hour course this spring at the University. It is truly a dream come true and I enjoy it so much. I am just having trouble balancing being a single mom and getting my lessons ready!
All of this on top of our regular schedule of Mother's Day Out for Caroline once a week, dance once a week, me teaching two mornings a week, church, paying bills, laundry (Mimi takes care of this a lot for me!), answering emails and, of course, feeding, bathing, playing and loving on my sweet kids.
I am not trying to get sympathy at all. I am just getting all of this down so that I will have it recorded to look back on in years to come. I realize most of you probably do the same things, but the yucky part is that I cannot look forward to 5:00 pm and the arrival of my husband home for the evening.
It stinks.
I also want to state for the record that I have the most amazing support system of anyone I know and that my mom is here a couple nights a week and usually I get to spend time with my sister on the weekends. So I rarely feel like a "single" mom. I do have help. I also know that there are a ton of you who are ready to help as soon as I say the word. It is still hard for me to ask and sometimes I don't even know what I need-just that I need something!
If anyone is still reading at this point (I don't blame you if you didn't make it!) I have some prayer requests:

I cannot find my card reader for my camera. I know it is silly to pray for a trivial thing like that, but it is so important to me to document my kids lives through pictures-so I have to find it!

My guilt for not being able to respond to emails, calls etc. I know it is silly and everyone understands, but I can hardly stand it. I just do not have the time to keep up.

Our ladies bible study (currently at my house, once a week.) This bible study has been going for around 4-5 years and has gotten me (and others) through some very hard times. Now with a lot of our girls having first (or second!) babies, sickness, the weather etc. our numbers have gotten low. I don't know what I would do without the study and I know God has a plan for us, but extra prayers about it would be helpful.

Caroline and Thomas sleeping issues. Caroline's: Naps and bedtime have become a struggle. Thomas: He's almost 5 months, enough said.

My parents: They are very close to putting their house on the market to move here! They have lived in the same town for about 22 years, so this would be a big move. Please pray for it to sell quickly and for peace about the decision and their future.

Praises:
My nephew (Ben and Allison's baby) arrived December 18th!
Alisha and Nick's baby girl arrived December 22nd!
Welcome, Matthew Allen Culp and Livia Noelle Ruple

Thomas's four month check-up went great. He is the absolute happiest baby I have ever known. He is so good. He only cries when he is extremely hungry or if Caroline yells too loudly.
He is "talking" up a storm. Cooing-yelling (not screaming, he is yelling about his world!) He is about to roll and is starting to sit up on his own-not for long though.
And he is a whopping 17.4 lbs 26 inches long.
(Before you congratulate me about how well the supplementing is going-let me announce that we have gone to just formula. I am not beating myself up about it anymore so I feel like I can tell everyone now. I just could not keep up with the it all-the pumping, the hour long feedings, cleaning bottles, cleaning the pump parts etc. It was too much for me. We are all happier now. Thanks for all of your encouragement and support.)

The last few weeks, Caroline and I were able to make snow angels together, enjoy movie nights with popcorn and laugh at sweet Thomas's noises and smiles. We have had many happy moments the last few weeks as well as sad. I am still hopeful that 2010 will have many more happy moments than sad.

So Blessed

2009-12-30T18:35:00.006-06:00

A video of Thomas's giggles that make me feel like I am truly alive. And a video of Caroline trying to calm Thomas down for me. At the end we make her say something she said to Travis the other day when he threw a snowball at her-I couldn't believe it: ("Oh Yeah, tough guy, you want a piece of me?) She said she heard that on the Toy Story movie. We watched several movies during her three days of sickness! We watched The Polar Express more times than I would like to admit. She called it "The North Pole" movie.
(Thanks, Dad, for letting me use your camera!)

We enjoyed our Christmas with my family in Fort Smith! (We will head home tomorrow!) For a while we were unsure we were going to have Christmas this year! I am calling this Sick-mas 2009! Caroline got very sick on Sunday and it went through Tuesday night. The doctor treated it as the flu. Thomas had a little tummy trouble starting Monday that went a whole week! THEN just when we decided we were going ahead with the trip to my mom and dad's, Jett got sick! Some how we all managed to be together and make wonderful memories for Christmas. We even had a white Christmas! (Pics to come!) The sickness of the kiddos took a lot of my energy and helped distract me from the sadness.
I have to say a HUGE THANK YOU to sweet Leigh. She volunteered to come Sunday night and take care of Thomas while I tended to Caroline all night. She then stayed the whole next day and night-feeding, loving on him and changing LOTS of diapers!! God ALWAYS provides right when I think I am going to "lose" it! Them Mimi came and took Thomas to Fort Smith for Tuesday night while Caroline continued to recover. Thank you, Mimi!
As I continue my thank yous...Becky and Travis knew I was DREADING taking down my Christmas decorations. It is depressing taking them down every year even without grieving. I just heard from them that they took it all down and packed it away so I won't have to when we return home. WOW! That is LOVE.
I am not sure I will have time to post before Tuesday. I just want to say "Thank You" in advance for all the prayers that will be needed to get through this week. A "thank you" also to Becky and Dori and some others who have planned an amazing tribute for us to attend for my husband Tuesday evening. Becky knows how thrilled I get when a lot of our family and friends get together (we always say that when we are all together it is like what it will be in heaven!) and she is adding singing some of our favorite hymns that night so it will truly be as close to heaven as we can get.
I am so thankful for such awesome support and love that surrounds us all the time.

Time

2009-12-13T16:41:00.005-06:00

I've always known that time is precious. Of course, after the events of this year that fact about time has been beaten into my head. (Being blunt today, no time for flowery statements! :-) ) I bought a Gingerbread house kit at wal-mart knowing that it would be fun for Caroline and I. Didn't it turn out great?

Ha! That was the picture from the box. Here's ours:

To be really deep, this is kind of like my life--you think it's going to turn out one way, and it turns out completely different. (By the way, do NOT use the red sprinkles that come with the kit-it took two days for the color to fade from my hands! Use your own red sprinkles!)
My life is not turning out at all how I had "planned" or even hoped, but I can say that I am making the best of what life and God has given me. Look at that sweet smile on Caroline's face. How can I say life is awful or that God is so mean etc. He is keeping His promises from the bible--we will have heartaches, but He is here for us to get through them. The ultimate goal is not to make sure everything goes our way here on Earth--it is to persevere, even thrive if possible, through the hard times and let everyone know that the way you spend eternity is way more important than the "comfortable" life we strive for here on Earth.

"For our present troubles are small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever!" 2 Corinthians 4:17

There have been some really dark days, or moments since January. But I can say that God sure has taken care of me as much as possible. He has sent so many "new" friends to help me. Nellie (above with Caroline and her hot "toe-toe") has the most empathetic heart of anyone I know. She has cleared her schedule many a-times to make sure I have help on those days where I can't juggle everything alone. Here's another sweet friend who takes time whenever possible to help me with my kiddos. Leigh (or Ro-Ro, as we affectionately call her) is helping Jacob (Tara N's son) and Caroline make brownies. Leigh has endless energy--Thank you, God for friends and family!
There are so many friends and family who have helped at multiple times this year. I hesitate in mentioning anyone because there is no way to include everyone! I can always count on Meagan C. to cook and take pictures for us whenever I feel it's time, Tara H is my reliable babysitter and the one who understands what I need, Meagan and Matt T. are always willing to spend the night if I feel I am too tired for those 2:00am feedings. Julie and Adam always seem to know what I need before I do, Tara S. always finds ways to help me all the way from Texas. A few people email or text me every few days all year long just to let me know they're thinking of me: You know who you are! My sweet momma spent almost this entire past week caring for my kiddos. Becky: There are no words. The list goes on and on.
My advice to everyone: Don't get too down about your situation, there is always something you can smile about and usually God doesn't make you look too hard.

Before I forget:
Caroline trying to repeat "Humpty Dumpty": "Hokey, Dunkey sat on a wall..."
She says "actually." Example, "Actually, I think you need to take my band-aid off for me."
About a month ago she said, "Thomas, you're so ham!" (Instead of "handsome.")
My favorite: "Snuggle with me, Momma."

Prayers: Crumby family. They need constant prayers.
Praise: I've heard specifically about three people who have turned to Jesus through sweet Hannah's story. How many of us can say the same thing about our lives? (Also, don't think you have to wait to get your life in "order" before calling on Jesus, He wants us the way we are, mess and all! If all you can do is pray, "Help me!" that is enough. Sometimes, that is still the only prayer I can pray!)

Hannah

2009-12-08T04:17:00.004-06:00

Hannah is heaven now. She went at 3:18am this morning. My heart is broken for their family. Please pray that God can give them the peace that only He can provide.

Visitation Friday night from 6pm-8pm
Funeral Saturday at 10:30am all at Calvary Baptist in Fayetteville

Thankful

2009-12-07T09:56:00.007-06:00

Here is the latest update on Hannah Grace, copied straight from her Caringbridge journal this morning:

Monday, December 7, 2009 8:14 AM, CST

Good Morning to all-this is Nana. Hannah is still with us this morning. She is having a little more difficulty breathing this morning but still being a Warrior Princess. Momma got to sleep in the bed with her last night and I'm sure that was a great comfort to both of them. We are thankful of the day we had with her yesterday. We surrounded her and the ones in the room with wonderful praise and worship music. It brought a sense of peace to our hearts. Please continue to keep the prayers going-we were more mentally & emotionally prepared for Hannah's homecoming yesterday than we are today.

I am now in the position that so many of you were when you were comforting me eleven months ago. How do you keep going with your normal routine when a family you love is having their entire world change forever.
Uncle Travis made a really great point to Becky and I when we were despairing over the situation with Hannah. Everyone is praying for the Crumby family and God is holding onto them tight. The rest of us, who are praying for them, may not feel the peace and assurance that God is granting them.
I can speak from experience when I say that God's embrace was physically, tangible during those darkest days for me-and He continues to be when the dark days creep in again. I do draw comfort that I know the Crumby family will feel the same way because they are believers.
Thank you, God, for keeping your promises to us. You will be their Great Comforter. You will carry them through and You never let go.

I am continuing this post on being thankful, hoping that it can be an encouragement, that although there are certainly trials in life there are also many blessings...
We had an amazing turnout at Har-Ber High's First Annual Run to Remember for my husband. The students from EAST lab put together a great run and they raised over two thousand dollars towards the Thomas Culp Memorial Scholarship. I had many family and friends come out to support us. Thank you to those who contributed, ran (or walked in my case!,) or prayed for this event. The back of the shirts had a quote from my husband that he had written on a picture of himself that he kept in his classroom "Bending the future to my will one student at at time." He still makes me laugh.Caroline celebrated Thanksgiving at her Mother's Day Out by singing a song with her class on stage and inviting us all to a feast afterwards. Sweet memories were made. (I was juggling the camcorder and the camera so the pics did not turn out great. Thanks to Mom, Becky, Travis and Nellie who juggled Thomas and Jett so that I could focus on Caroline!)We spent Thanksgiving at Aunt Jen and Uncle Mark's house. They went all out to make sure all their nieces and nephews had a fantastic time. Caroline is still talking about the cart and feeding Taffy the pony, bounce house and puppy Sera. I am so blessed to have a close relationship with Thomas's family and it really feels like I've spent time with Thomas after being with them all.Getting out the Christmas decorations was really tough. I remember so vividly sitting in front of our tree this time last year and letting Caroline bring her daddy the wrapped present that had a picture of our positive pregnancy test inside. I am so happy we were able to celebrate the pregnancy together those few weeks.
I have tried hard to really "be" in the moment when special times come around throughout the year. But sometimes I am just going through the motions to create those memories for Caroline and baby Thomas that I know are important for them to have. I truly believe that eventually I will feel more true about these times in the coming years. It seems a little far off right now, though.The fact that the ONE YEAR mark is quickly approaching has not been lost on me. I really do not remember what happened to spring this year, summer I tried hard to do special things with Caroline before her brother arrived, so I remember some things from it. The fall has flown by, and now we are here. Wow. I've heard from people that the days leading up to "the day" are harder than the day itself. Not sure that makes the experience any easier, but I do know my dear friend Tara's blog about fear sure helped me this week.
Tara and her two adorable boys, their mimi, my dear friend Leigh and us three were able to go to the square and see the lights. I am so glad I went with them. This was one of the last "big" memories from our time together last year and it helped to be with Tara who knows almost exactly how I feel. We were able to spend a lot of time together that day and I am so thankful for her friendship and that God brought us together.

Hannah Grace Crumby

2009-12-02T21:31:00.003-06:00

As those of you who have been following my blog know, words rarely fail me. They are certainly failing me now. I was able to spend a precious, so very precious, three hours with Kimberly and Hannah Monday night. It was such an honor to me that Kimberly let me share that time with them. God is holding the Crumby family so tight, you can physically see it. I have asked my blog readers to pray for this family over the last few months and now this sweet little girl needs more. The ventilator will be turned off this Sunday. Please ask your friends, family and churches to pray like they have never prayed before for a miracle for Hannah Grace. Kimberly and I are strong in our faith and know that God can heal Hannah if it is his will at this time-we also know that we cannot know the bigger picture and He may choose to have Hannah in heaven with Mr. Thomas. Either way, Hannah will be taken care of and the bible that we choose to believe with every fiber of being promises that we will all be together again.

www.caringbridge.org (HannahGraceCrumby)

Two New Looks

2009-11-24T08:22:00.009-06:00

I knew it was time to get rid of the pink, but I have not had any free time to explore Blog color options. I even have had some sweet readers volunteer to re-do our blog layout, but I just don't have the time to see what's out there! Hopefully over Christmas break I will get around to that (and to change the picture at the top of the page...)

Some of you have asked about my new haircut-it really isn't some crazy new do like Kate Gosselin or anything, but it is definitely different for me! Here's a few pics others have posted to Facebook-I don't like to be the only one in a picture so these will have to do! Some of our sweet bible study girls got to go to a Pro-Life benefit for "Loving Choices" pregnancy center. I was already a "pro-lifer" but after hearing the presenter/doctor speak about the thousands of abortions he performed before giving his life to Christ was almost too much to bear. He explained the process of an abortion-anyone who thinks they are pro-choice needs to hear what actually happens and it would HAVE to change their minds. Also, 95% of women who are considering abortion decide to keep the baby or give the baby up for adoption after seeing an ultrasound of the baby! Awesome.

A little closer-up pic of my hair and of sweet Thomas in his peapod costume!! (Thanks, Tara!) This picture is hilarious. Jett doesn't look to happy about being squished next to Thomas!

Prayer Requests:

Hannah Grace Crumby's health

The holidays, for everyone who has lost someone

Praises:
Baby London born yesterday afternoon!! 8lbs 6oz 19 3/4 inches!

The blessings we have in life (my family and friends)

Being able to spend a whole day and most of the night with Tara N. and family!!!--Blog post to come...

On a much lighter, stinkier note...

2009-11-18T09:57:00.005-06:00

Title of this post does not have anything to do with this cutie-pie. I just had to include this huge, adorable smile. He is such a good baby. I could just eat him up.

So I have had NO time to blog about all of the events last week. I will get to it eventually! It was wild with Thomas getting sick and then Mimi catching it and having to go home, yet I still had class that I had to go to...you get the picture.
In the middle of all that I was fortunate enough to have Aunt Becky come one evening so I could shower-yes, I am admitting to the world that I do not shower every day. (By the way, this fact also has nothing to do with the title of this post including the word "stinky.") You have to have priorities being a single mother of a newborn and a two-year-old. Showering is not high on that list. I am digressing...
So I felt like I was going a million miles a minute all week and this feeling continued as I was getting ready after my shower. (I feel like taking time to fix my hair after a shower is eating into precious children time-or precious sleeping time, so I'm always in a hurry.)
I intentionally did not post about my new haircut--seemed kind of trivial in light of everything else going on, but now to tell this not-so-short story I have to post about it.
I've never had my hair so short in my life. I love it. Melissa at "Spoiled" salon is a friend and an awesome hair dresser and she knew what I needed. Something easy to fix, yet wouldn't make my curls look like a triangle head. THANKS, Melissa!
I am finally wrapping this story up...stay with me here.
I bought exactly all of the hair products she used on me so that I could try and re-create my new hair cut style on my own at home.
One of these products is called Rusk. It is to be sprayed "liberally." (I think that is the word it used on the back.)
So in my haste, I grabbed the small clear bottle with an orange top and sprayed--liberally.
After a second or so of spraying, I start coughing and my eyes are stinging. Becky was in the room and I told that I must have sucked in right when I sprayed it. I continue spraying.
After the coughing doesn't stop, I finally stop spraying and look at the bottle. I immediately put my head under the faucet of the sink while Becky is asking what is going on!? Now her eyes are burning in the next room!! Here's what I saw:
I freaking sprayed "Off" mosquito repellent all over my hair!! My eyes and neck stung for at least ten minutes after re-washing. Just so you don't think I'm nuts, here's what they look like from behind.

A mistake any frazzled mom could make, right??

Hannah Grace

2009-11-17T07:41:00.003-06:00

I've asked you all to pray for my sweet friend Kimberly's little girl, Hannah. She continues to fight for her life and her family has been on their own terrible emotional roller coaster for a few months now. You can visit her blog by clicking here: http://www.caringbridge.org/ and typing in "Hannahgracecrumby" in the "visit a site" section.
She has suffered another stroke and they are waiting to find out the results of this one. As her parents pray and stay close to God during this time, her mom has encouraged and uplifted her blog readers, family and friends in ways that she may never even know.
She copied a poem from another little girl's (RachelJoy's) blog. This was posted this morning:

WARNING- get your tissue ready!

Once upon a special day in Heaven up above , the tiniest souls sat at God's feet, surrounded by His love. ‘The time is coming, very soon’, God said, ‘Do not be scared. Your family awaits your arrival, now let us get prepared’.

And so God looked upon these souls, in mute consideration. He knew the life each one would live, He weighed each situation.

The souls chatted amongst themselves, and wondered who they'd be. They knew the day grew closer; soon, they'd meet their family.

‘How would you like to change the world?’ God asked each soul in fun. The chance to change a soul, a heart, is held by only one.

‘I'm going to make the world laugh’, one soul said with a smile, ‘for laughter heals a broken heart, and helps us through each trial’.

‘Then take with you the brightest smile, and share your laughter well’. The soul thanked God immensely, and down to earth he fell.

‘And I'll remind the world to sing’, a sweet little soul told the Lord. ‘I have the gift of a beautiful voice; I can hit every note and every chord’.

‘You’ll have the gift of music then, a voice, lovely and strong. Share your gift with others, and let them hear your song’.

‘I will show compassion’, the next little soul raised her hand. ‘Some people only need a friend, someone to understand’.

‘Compassion is a good thing’, God said with much delight. ‘To you, I will give mercy. You'll perceive wrong from right’.

And so each soul shared every thought, their plans, their hopes, their dreams. And God explained that life, it is, much harder than it seems.

And as each soul began to leave in a scurry of laughter and fun, Heaven became quiet and still, for left was only one.

‘Come sit with me my little child’, God said with just a sigh. ‘Do you know how many you will touch, in a world left wondering why? Before your life comes to an end, you will know much strife, but you'll teach those who know you, to cherish the smallest things in life.

'And some may only know you through a simple photograph, they'll never hold you in their arms, or memorize your laugh. Some may only know you through the words they read each day, but you'll do something wonderful, you'll make them stop and pray’.

The tiniest soul raised her head up, to touch God's firm, strong hand. ‘Father, I am ready for the life that you have planned. And I will do the best I can without a word or deed. For you Lord, are the planter, and I will be your seed’.

She could already hear many praying, and although they had not seen her face, they were praying for her safe arrival, they were asking for mercy and grace.

‘What talent do I leave with Lord? What gift do you impart?’

‘All that you will need’, God said, ‘I've placed within your heart’. And so God kissed this tiny child, knowing all that she would be, and whispered as he watched her go...'You'll teach them . . . to love me'.

Whether Hannah is on this earth for 4 years or 104, I know she is such a child..."

Hannah is a fighter and she has fought through already two life threatening situations (three if you count the leukemia!) Kimberly and I were talking a couple of weeks ago and as sad as it sounds, if Hannah ends up heaven we know that Thomas will be there to take care of her. As soon as Hannah was born we joked about how Thomas was president of the Hannah fan club. She was shy around most people when she was really little, but not around Thomas. They loved each other.

The bible promises we have hope in Christ. Hope for an eternal salvation and heaven. Hope that we will all be reunited again. This is definitely an encouragement and a reason to be thankful to God.

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. John 14:1-3

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Phillipians 3:20-21

This Thanksgiving season let's all be thankful for each moment we have on this Earth with our family. It is a blessing to have the love we feel for each other, even if it is for not as long as we would like.

November already??

2009-11-01T14:43:00.006-06:00

(Thanks for the beautiful hats and flowers, Beth!)

I am so sorry to have not updated until today! It is so hard for me to find enough words to thank you all for your support after that last post of mine. I read every comment and you all had great advice and encouragement. I definitely did not feel alone in the struggles of nursing! Several of you called and left messages of encouragement, as well-thank you! A few of you mentioned that maybe this is God's way of making me ease up on myself. I think you are right. Thomas and I have found the happy medium of nursing and supplementing with formula. It has freed me up for more quality time with Caroline and I still feel he is getting what he needs. The added bonus of formula is that he is sleeping in his bassinet at night for about 5-6 hours straight! Hallelujah! More sleep has helped me cope with my emotional ups and downs these past weeks.I am still dealing with health insurance woes-waiting ever so patiently for the COBRA people to add Thomas so that we can move ahead with paying bills and getting our appointments back on track. I am dreading talking to that billing lady at our clinic, so you can be praying for that as well!
Caroline and Thomas are growing up so quickly. I told someone that I really think I saw Thomas grow before my eyes a few days ago while he was playing. He is grabbing more purposefully at toys and smiling the biggest smiles that stop my heart!! He even giggles and babbles. He is such a good baby. Caroline continues to amaze me with her independence and ability to follow directions (usually the first time!) I keep telling people that God knew what I needed in that sweet little girl. She is helping load and unload the dishwasher and we have even had some time to bake together (thanks, Reba, for the pumpkin muffin recipe!) She is saying "I think so" and "I think not" lately. For example, Me: "Do you think it is time for nap?" Caroline: "I think not." Me: "Do you think it is time to run the dishwasher?" Caroline: "I think so." She also said the other day after I asked her what happend to the cracker on the floor, "My cute little foot stepped on it." I laughed so hard. When I am talking a lot with another adult she will ask "What are you talking about?" so that she can be in on the conversation.
At this moment, both sweet peas are asleep. I consider it a gift from God (and I am not exaggerating in the least bit. He knows what we need and when and He provides!!)Speaking of sweet peas, Thomas was a pea-in-the-pod for Halloween and Caroline was Tinkerbell. She had fun trick-or-treating at Mother's Day Out. Here she is with her teacher and another classmate:
Thomas pictures to come...

I have had more of an "up" week this past week, but I miss Thomas so much. I can't imagine me every getting used to relying on others to help me when it should be him there. If it wasn't for the amazing church family I have, we wouldn't have been able to enjoy our church's fall carnival friday night at all. Who knew how much help I was going to need getting two costumed children from the car into the church! And then feeding both of them and myself while there was a whole other adventure. Aunt Becky luckily came to help take Caroline around to the rides, but I found myself without free hands to take pictures. I am realizing that some things will have to be given up in order to enjoy ourselves and if that means less pictures, then so be it.

I haven't written about this before, but since I keep thinking about it I've decided to get it on the blog so that maybe it will help me get through the feelings. Over and over I find myself saying or thinking, "the hardest thing about this is _____" There are so many hard things about this that I have given up saying that and instead I say "Another hard thing about this is____" But while reading a book called Believe by a widow with two very young children, Jennifer Silvera, she hit the nail on the head. She recalls someone asking her "What do you miss the most?" There are a thousand things I miss, but the one thing that hits me over and over again day after day is not having Thomas to "check in" with. I think so many people take this for granted, but just think about how often you "check in" with your husband. I use to call or text message him several times through out the day just to say 'hi' or talk about dinner plans or just to find out where he was at a certain time of the day. It was such a habit that for several weeks after the accident I would pick my phone up after I had been out somewhere just to call and "check in" with him. -My breath catches just thinking about that feeling of realizing what I was doing and that he would not be able to answer my call. It still happens every now and then, when I feel that urge to call and check in with him. It is a feeling of pain that is undescribable. Who else wants to hear about the tiny things that happen throughout the day that you share with your spouse? Blessedly for me, my sister is able to be that person I can call with most of those details, but it is not quite the same as sharing your day with your spouse over dinner.
I really had planned on keeping this an upbeat post, but it feels better just to be completely honest about where I am in this journey.
I can say that I am truly enjoying each moment I get to spend with my children and that God is keeping us close and giving me the strength I need to not just go through the motions, but enjoy life. Thank you so much for your continued prayers.

A special prayer for my friend that is like a sister to me, Julie Harmon. Her daddy passed away this past Wednesday and his funeral was this afternoon. I am terribly saddened that I could not be there in person. I am continually praying for her family.

Firsts

2009-10-13T21:02:00.003-05:00

My head is so full of emotions and thoughts that if I don't post them right this moment I think I am about to give myself a migraine. Keeping up with this blog is truly cathartic for me.

I am feeling very tired, swamped and a little defeated today. This dreary weather is not helping.

Let me start with some fun stuff first:
Thomas smiled for the first time about three weeks ago at his big sister! (I guess he favors her over me-I am totally okay with that!) I managed to take this picture of one of his adorable smiles at me about a week later on Sept 25.Caroline started attending the mother's day out program one day a week. She loves it-especially because they sing her favorite song "You are my Sunshine." I keep forgetting to write some cute things she says. She really enjoys her "step-pools" (stepstools) and I am too. She can wash her hands by herself and help with packing her lunch using step-pools. Also, this past weekend we got to enjoy some family time in Fort Smith. Aunt Laura introduced her to Peter Pan. She now asks to watch "Peter Pot" often. So cute.
Here's a picture of her on her first day of school:
And way back on September 6th, Thomas had his first day of church! Here he is all dressed up with one of his daddy's ties (thanks Amber!)
I'm not sure what's going on in my head and heart right now. I think it just boils down to missing Thomas. Just when I think I've gotten through some aspect of my grief (by the way, I understand the grief will never be "gotten over") it comes rushing back to me.
Lately at dance there has been a dad there watching his little girl in his "office" outfit with a white shirt and tie. In the reflection of the one-way mirror I can almost see Thomas standing there in this typical Thomas outfit watching Caroline dance and be so proud of her listening so well to her teacher amidst all the three and four year olds. When our reality hits, it takes my breath away. I think I'm afraid to really feel it for very long in case I nose-dive into it and somehow find myself unable to come back out of it to function for my family. This is rough.

I know this next paragraph will sound so silly, but here I am in all my honesty:
I feel like I've failed baby Thomas. I have tried so hard to strictly breastfeed (for bonding, for his health, to persevere because it is stinking hard to do, and because I did with Caroline, etc,) then today I took him in for his two month check up. First of all, I'm having a rough day anyway and then when I get us all there and on time (you know how much energy that takes!) the receptionist says I have to talk to the billing lady. So the billing lady tells me that I have to re-schedule since I have not been able to add him onto our insurance yet because the great state of Arkansas (can you sense my sarcasm) has failed to send his birth certificate to me yet. I am not about to go home without seeing the doctor. So I ask her what options do I have--wow this story is getting long--anyway she agrees to let me see the doctor, but we can't do any shots today. Okay, whatever lady.
I'm already upset about that scene and then the doctor tells me that Thomas is about 15 percentile in weight. (He is ten pounds even, All else is 50th percentile) Caroline was always around 80%, so I am horrified. He asks if I've been eating well, sleeping etc. You can imagine how this goes over on me. We decided to supplement with some formula. I think for any other "normal" mom this would be no big deal and nothing to go home and blog about. But I am far from normal and I'm sad about this. The doctor said there is no need for concern at this point. I think I just feel I didn't do my job for sweet baby Thomas. So tonight we will begin the pumping and supplementing. If you've stayed with me ranting this long about such a small thing, thank you.

I honestly don't have the energy or will to write about everything going on right now, I just wanted to ask for prayers during this trying time. If it wasn't for God, my mom and sister, I don't know where I'd be right now.
I am also continually praying for sweet 4 year old Hannah and her recovery from her stroke during her chemo last week. God is our strength James and Kimberly!

P.S.
Har-Ber High EAST students are hosing a "Run to Remember" in honor of my husband on Oct. 31st.
Forms can be mailed to
Har Ber High 300 Jones Road Springdale, AR 72762
Here's a link for some info for that:
http://pub.sdale.org/~dlamb/runtoremember.htm

The game

2009-09-22T18:16:00.006-05:00

The game Saturday was so unbelievable sad, yet memorable. Caroline was so excited that she literally ran as fast as her little legs could carry her all the way to the stadium (Thanks Uncle Trav for dropping Becky, Caroline and I off!) It was so fun seeing it all through her eyes. She asked me a million questions and it made me think about why we do what we do at football games.She wanted to know why some people were painted red from head to toe, "because it is a fun way to show support of our team"??
She wanted to know if I was going to help her play football. I had to explain that we were just going to watch other people play football.
She was concerned because she only had one pom pom and the cheerleaders had two. (Becky helped her by saying that Caroline's had both red and white colors in the one pom pom, so it was special.)
She kept saying the Razorbacks are "tough!"
She wanted to know why everyone was so loud, but then sometimes I had to tell her to be quiet for cheering too loudly. (so confusing!)
I remember my dad trying to patiently explain to me the four down system of football over and over again so many years ago.I saw so many dads with their kids there enjoying their time and part of me wanted to shout--"Enjoy this moment!! DON'T TAKE A SECOND OF IT FOR GRANTED!" and then a morbid part of me wants to tell everyone "You know you are going to die at some point?" I try to imagine what I would have thought of someone who would come up to me and say that to me nine months ago--What a loon! But today, I would just tell that person "You are right. Good thing I know where I am going when that happens!" At the same time, I realize now that most people are either going through or have been through a terrible "valley" like mine. So many people look "fine" on the outside, but who knows what is going on in their lives. My friend Kimberly (see the end of this post) mentioned this in her blog. So many times you are asked, "How are you?" by someone and you just say "fine" when actually you are hurting so badly or crying in your head about what is happening in your life. I try to remember this when I am feeling like I'm the only one hurting and everyone else around me seems so perfectly content.

God has been showing me how he is/has taken care of me in a couple of ways these past weeks. In the last post I mentioned how I was dreading telling the sweet couple from the Little Rock area who sit behind us about what happened.
I went by myself to get Caroline a hot dog and saw them! I thought what a perfect opportunity away from Caroline to tell them. As soon as they saw me they just hugged me so tight and I knew that they knew already.
They said they had heard Rick Schaffer (who works for the Razorbacks and for the school system Thomas taught in) on the radio say they had lost a teacher-he didn't hear the name, but God told him that it was Thomas. He went to the computer to check and it confirmed what God had already told him.
It was comforting to know God took care of this worry I had about telling our Razorback football friends months ago. I shouldn't have worried about it at all--
Matthew 6:25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life... 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?"A couple of days before the game my dear friend, Kimberly, got a call to meet her family at the doctor's office where her precious four year old was supposedly having a routine check up for a fever. By that evening they were at Arkansas Children's Hospital where they were told Hannah has Leukemia. This is a strong Christian family and God is giving them strength, but prayers are needed. She and I have talked about how one day is "normal" and then the next moment can turn your life upside down. Please pray strength and healing for this family. Thank you!

Another new season

2009-09-16T16:15:00.005-05:00

Our sweet friend, Meagan, loves to take pictures of my kids! What a blessing! She took some of Caroline this summer and these of Thomas when he was just over a week old.

So here is another new season: Fall. I think I'm doing okay and then--whammo!--it all comes rushing at me again like I am back at square one of this grief thing. I say it is a "whammo" but I think this might have been building for a few days...
Caroline started school last week (one day a week at our church's mother's day out.) I can't believe my little girl goes to school with a backpack and a lunchbox!! She loves it. I couldn't even get her to look back at me to say "goodbye" she was already engaged in playing. I'm so proud of her. She amazes me more each day with her maturity, intelligence and sweetness. Her favorite song to sing now is "You are my Sunshine" which she calls "Don't take the sun away" and her favorite book is "Goldilocks and the Three Bears." Between myself, mimi and Becky I bet we have read it to her at least one hundred times over the last couple of weeks.
Of course, as time goes by, I will be meeting new people who do not know us. A sweet mom who dropped her child off at Mother's Day Out at the same time as me struck up a conversation on our way out. She asked if we were finished having children...so much ran through my mind in the three second pause I took to figure out how to answer it without making her feel bad. I didn't want to just say, "Yes, we're finished" only to have to tell her the story weeks from now and have her not know the truth, so I told her that I'm in a strange situation in that my husband passed away a few months ago. I don't know why I started with "I'm in a strange situation" except that it is strange/unusual and that there is know good way to say what I am going to have to say.
She said she felt bad for asking, but of course, I told her that is was a perfectly innocent question. In my mind I knew this will be the first of many other times I will have to explain our "situation." I went onto tell her that we have amazing support from family, friends and our church and that prayers are keeping me going.Also, this Saturday is our first Razorback football home game. Those of you who aren't into college football will find it hard to relate, but I am honestly thinking I may cry the whole first quarter because Thomas will not be there to sit by me. We've been going to the games so long together that I can't even remember when we started! Luckily our tickets are next to wonderful friends so I won't have to have strangers hand me tissues. But we do have some sweet people who have sat behind us for years that I will have to tell the news to. Not fun.
On a happier note, I am taking Caroline with me to the game. She has her Arkansas cheerleading outfit ready and I think it will be good for us to be together there.As soon as I think I get used to a "season," it changes on me and I have to get a new grip on our new normal. I was thinking today about how the weather is about to get cooler and all that comes with that. More indoor activites and Thomas would have been making chili at least once a week (He made a really great chili) and that will be something I really miss--Just spending time in our home as a family on a cold night.
Thanks for your continued prayers!

Tara Newby

2009-09-14T15:48:00.004-05:00

Me, Caroline, Jacob and Tara from our fun meeting this past June
(baby Micah sleeping and baby Thomas had not arrived yet!!)

My dear friend, unfortunately we met because of our similar stories, will be going through her one year anniversary tomorrow (Sept. 15th.) of her husband arriving in heaven. Please pray for her and her adorable two boys as they face the day. Here's a link to her post from two days after the accident, you can see see her faith shine even in the midst of the tragedy. To read her current posts, just clink at the top of the page on "Tara-nator."

09-09-99

2009-09-09T17:33:00.005-05:00

No, that's not a mistake in the title! That is the date of my baptism! My ten year anniversary is today, 09-09-09. Wow! Where does the time go? I have so much in my head I'd like to write, but Thomas has decided he likes the 3:00am-5:30am hours for playtime and so I'm exhausted. I just had to have a post with today's date to commemorate this amazing event in my life!
The pictures on this post are from the session that Raye Law gifted us last Monday on Thomas's two week birthday! Raye heard about our story from Becky and was so sweet to ask to photograph us! Here's a link to her site, Raye Law Photography where there are a few more pictures of our family. Thank you, Raye!I came to the University of Arkansas and joined the Razorbacks for Christ group on campus. That group, lead by Scott Karnes, read his blog as he and his family prepares to be missionaries in Ireland) changed my life as well as influenced many friends and family members of mine.
I started attending ladies' bible studies on campus and eventually felt brave enough to tell the girls that I was interested in being baptized, but nervous about telling people I hadn't been or having to do it in front of a big congregation. The girls immediately took action and told me that they were thrilled with my decision and that we didn't have to do it in front of a big group. (In my mind it had to be a Sunday morning thing in front of the whole church) They even said we could go right now! (Which happened to be a Thursday night at about 8:00pm! They asked if they could call a few other bible studies meeting around campus and invite them-I told them sure, but didn't really think anyone would be interested in coming, I was still pretty new to the RFCs. Well, I was wrong, when we got to the church there were probably about forty college kids there along with Scott all totally excited about my decision! We sang lots of songs and prayed and then Scott baptized me in front of that group. It brings tears to my eyes-ten years later(!)-when I think about the amazing feeling of being lifted out of that water to everyone's clapping and cheers. I cried a lot that evening, for the person I was and for the person I was ready to strive to be. I love that I learned you don't have to have everything "fixed" before you give yourself to Christ, you just have to be open to the idea of letting God work on you and do your best to love Him! He will use your faith even if it is the size of a mustard seed (as the bible says!) That is comforting, because somedays that is all I have to give and he gladly accepts that.I think back to ten years ago and all that has happen since then...I have had-and continue to have-a blessed life. God has provided me with a way to influence the future from teaching kindergarten through college aged students, I was married to an amazing man who loved us with a fierce devotion, I have two adorable children that I love so much it takes my breath away, literally countless family and friends that lift us up in prayer--as well as take care of us any way they can, and most importantly my relationship that has grown with God and having the fulfillment that only He can provide and, thank goodness, His promises of what can be ours after this unbelievably short time we have on Earth.
PS Thank you Nellie and Becky for taking me out to eat for my special day and for your phenomenal, faithful friendship!
Thank you to all of my readers for the uplifting comments on my blog, e-mail and facebook-they truly help me get through each day.

Pierce My Ear, O Lord

2009-09-03T17:47:00.005-05:00

So a couple of days after Thomas came home from the hospital I was admiring him in his crib and it hit me that God gave me another "sign" of his love for my family. I have constantly prayed, even before their births, that my kids would have a heart for God. I want them to feel like I do about God and how I choose to belong to Him and live my life for Him. I know that growing up is hard and their beliefs can and will be challenged, but I have always believed that if they have a heart for God they will always belong to Him and want to be close to Him. At the hospital I was aware of Thomas' cute dimple on his right ear, but it wasn't until I was able to be in a quiet time with God and baby Thomas that it hit me... God had pierced Thomas! One of my favorite church songs is "Pierce My Ear" Here are the lyrics (and here is a home video of some sweet girls singing it a capella!):
Pierce my ear, O Lord, my God. Take me to Your door this day. I will serve no other god. Lord, I'm here to stay.
For You have paid the price for me. With Your blood You ransomed me. I will serve You eternally. Your free one I long to be.

This song is in reference to Exodus 21:2-6 where it discusses a servant who fulfills his/her obligation to the master, but then chooses to stay with the master who then pierces the servant's ear as a sign of devotion.

This piercing of just his right ear (which doesn't go all the way through his earlobe, in case you were wondering, it is actually considered a "dimple") along with his special birth date, shared with his daddy, makes me have goosebumps because both of these are such special, unique occurrences that will be constant reminders of God's love for our little family.
Photographic evidence below :-)
Prayers:
*Thanks for the prayers and suggestions for nursing--they have helped!
*My energy is slowly returning!
*Caroline is loving her little brother, although she has been telling me that she misses me quite often, (like when she woke up this morning!) Pray that she won't feel like I'm not here when I am taking care of Thomas!
*Praise of thanks for mimi (my mom) and all of my family and friends who have stayed with me these last couple of weeks and helped give all three of us attention when we need it!!
*Also a praise that I was able to go back to teaching the early childhoo University of Arkansas class for a few hours two days a week. Thomas was proud of me for teaching it last year and it has already been a blessing to me these last two weeks. The students are fantastic and it has been good for me to share my love for learning and teaching (and being a part of the outside world again!!)

Our first five days!

2009-08-21T16:00:00.004-05:00

Thomas Alexander home from the hospital wearing his daddy's tie for the special occasion.

What a whirlwind!! It seems like yesterday that Becky and I were pulling up to the hospital while it was still pitch black outside and getting settled for the big day! There is so much to tell, but as most of you know, my time and energy is limited right now. I'll do my best to fill in all the details as time allows.Right after deliver: Notice how Thomas loves his green frog that Caroline picked out for him!

Monday was so wonderful, fun and touched with bittersweetness. Becky and our amazing friend, Nellie, made t-shirts for some of the people who were in it for the long haul that day. Nellie spent the night and watched Caroline for me until we knew the time was getting close for Thomas to arrive.

We started pitocin at about 7:00am, I was already having contractions eight minutes apart, dilated to a three and 70% effaced (for those who want to know all the details!) which made me feel even more comfortable about inducing eleven days early. Epidural at about 8:30am. Dr Birch broke my water at 12:30pm and was fully dilated ready to push at 1:30pm!! Unfortunately, she was in surgery and they told me I had to wait--ha!! Contractions were really painful and I could move my feet so I knew the epidural, for some reason, had worn off quite a bit. Finally at about 1:50 or so she came in. I pushed through three contractions and he was born at 2:00pm!! (I told Caroline she was right about the two minutes, she just meant 2 o'clock instead! So now she tells everyone how she was right!)
He is perfect!! The same weight as Caroline when she was born (only she was 5 days overdue!) and an inch longer than her.It's amazing how in love I am with him!! He is so sweet and good. He is letting me sleep at about two hour increments, since feeding and changing takes us about an hour! So I get about a broken up four hour sleep time at night--that is WAY better than with Caroline who seemed to wake up every 30 minutes.

Caroline has been a doll. She loved the attention family and friends gave her in the hospital and at home. When we walked in the door Tuesday evening (We got home about 7pm the day after delivery) she saw me and hugged me so tight and said, "mommy, mommy, mommy" over and over at least 20 times-not exaggerating. If I wasn't so happy to be home, I would have cried.

She loves her brother and really wants to help. She shows him toys and pats his head every so gingerly. I love that little girl.Thomas and Caroline in his nursery

That's the super fast version of how our last 5 days has gone! I couldn't stand not posting a few pictures and letting you know how we are. All of you have sent such sweet prayers and thoughts our way. I had such a sense of peace all day Monday and any time I started to get nervous I could literally feel God telling me "it will all be okay" and he was right. I'm not prepared to write about all of the emotions right now, but in time I will. It's important for me to document it all, but I'm just too tired right now. I can say that it has been overwhelmingly more sweet than bittersweet, but deep down there is a profound sadness that Thomas and I aren't sharing this all together. I do feel that he is able to know how we are and in someway watch or see us. That is comforting.Praise: His first doctor's appt went great! Here he is ready to go!

Thank you all so much for your continued support! It helps me in so many ways.Cousin Jett meeting Thomas for the first time! They will be the best of friends!

Prayer Requests: Nursing to stop hurting during the latch on (makes my toes curl!, my energy back quickly so I can figure out how to give Caroline more time, and that I can make it through the hormonal baby blues that may make an appearance soon.

Please don't forget to tell God a huge THANK YOU for answering our prayers with an easy, safe delivery and a healthy, beautiful baby boy.

He's Here!

2009-08-17T22:11:00.006-05:00

Thomas Alexander is here! He was 7 lbs. 15 oz. and 20 3/4" long! He is absolutely beautiful and looks identical to Caroline when she was born! Bonnie did so great and was amazing! Thank you all for praying all the time for her and her family! Prayers are what are getting her through each day and please continue praying! I'll let her give you all the amazing details! What a special day!

Gifts

2009-08-12T08:39:00.011-05:00

Due to my pregnancy brain and a lack of time, I haven't written about sweet Caroline and her dance class! She is a natural! She watches Miss Dara so closely (see below.) Aly and Caroline had a great summer of ballet and tap. It's like a dream come true for Robyn and I to have our sweet girls in dance together!!

Picture above is through the one-way mirror. She will stick her tongue out when concentrating really hard-her daddy would do this too.

The "downs" I've endured over the last month have been amazingly hard. I get so much encouragement from my family, friends and blogger friends telling me how well I am doing under the circumstances, but in the back of my mind I always think "if they only knew" or what if I really acted as if I felt at all times, would they still call me strong? A lot of why I am able to put on a good front is because I want to show that God is working in my life and I do still find joy from day to day thanks to Him! I have SO much to be thankful for.
I just still can't shake the feeling that this is still a dream/nightmare! It's been over 7 months! Will this feeling ever go away?
I have always been fascinated about dreams. I have had some very comforting ones over the last 7 months, but like last night, I've also had dreams where I completely break down. I know this is one of the ways I am dealing with my grief. I wake up remembering it and feeling like I had cried uncontrollably all night. Wednesday night's was just like that, I also remember collapsing under the weight of the grief-I couldn't get myself up and didn't even really want to. At the very end, I dreamed all my friends were there helping me up. I know this is representative of how it has been. They always seem to be there right when I need them and I know they will continue to do so. That is comforting.
About a month ago, I wrote about how "down" I was and how it has been the longest down time since the beginning of all of this. I am beginning to feel better now and very excited about meeting baby Thomas! So I want to thank everyone for their prayers.
I have been working through these new feelings lately and God has told me He is taking care of everything, so I have a peace about Monday. I have told friends lately that it is a strange feeling that I will now have a new identity to get used to (again!) I won't be the pregnant widow anymore and I will be the single mommy of two beautiful children. It's just another change--I guess I am getting better at change, so maybe it won't be too shocking to my system, it's just hard not knowing how it's going to be. Caroline and I have gotten into a good routine with each other this summer and she and I both are about to be changed again!

I wanted to post pictures of Thomas's nursery before he arrives and this may be my last chance! We went with the sailing theme since that made up so much of Daddy Thomas's life. My father-in-law delivered this hand made wooden sailboat shelf/shadowbox last weekend! I LOVE IT! It is modeled after their family's sailboat they grew up with "Esprit." So far I have Thomas's first shell he found (thanks to Grandma Tracy!) a picture of him with it (yes, he was white-blond!) and a carved fish from our honeymoon in Jamaica. The picture will be mounted eventually into the boat and I'm not sure what the other little shelf will have on it, but you get the idea!Above the changer, my sweet friend, Lindsey, painted this canvas for him and on the shelf above it-which is out of this picture for some reason- is daddy Thomas's life jacket from when he was little. Another talented friend, Amber Moore, came to me a few months ago and told me that she could make onesies for Thomas using my husband's ties. He wore a tie every day of his life! I can still hardly type about it without crying, they turned out AMAZING! She made so many that he has shirts until he is two with his daddy's ties on them! She even used the rest to make this beautiful blanket (soft and yellow on the back) and I have a bracelet to match as well! You will see baby Thomas wearing the onesie coming home from the hospital. You can see the puppy on the book shelf below wearing one. (Amber's daughter made the puppy for Caroline. His home is on Thomas's shelf, though! The diaper cake on top is from my UofA students surprise shower they threw for me in May-it's way too cute to take apart!)Lastly, here is one shot I have of a section of Caroline's room. Lindsey also made a canvas for Caroline. Thank you, Lindsey!! I love them both!!

Gift for Thomas:
Speaking of Caroline, she is the most amazing, thoughtful little girl. I could hardly wait to share what she did on Wednesday. Early this week we went to pick out a gift that Caroline could give Thomas at the hospital. She told me she wanted a bear and a little blanket. The first store we tried was Penney's and I immediately spotted a blue "lovey" bear/blanket! I thought she'd be thrilled. She wasn't-she saw the green "froggy" lovey and that was what she had to have for him! That was fine with me. I offhandedly mentioned that we could wrap it and give it to him. Two days later one of my amazing Taras (Arkansas Tara) volunteered to clean my entire garage-she is so awesome. Caroline and Canaan were running back and forth inside and out and eventually I noticed Caroline had a bag of Christmas bows. I was trying to talk to Jacob and wasn't paying much attention, but she finally got me to open it for her. I saw her pick out a purple bow. Then a few minutes later she came from the garage with Sesame Street Christmas paper. I saw her open it up and start unrolling it. In the back of my mind I thought, I should stop her-she's going to waste it all and make a gigantic mess, but I held my tongue for a minute. I asked her if I could help her rip a piece off. She said yes. I ripped a portion off for her and thought she would probably put it on her head or something silly, but insteady she gently flattened it out on the ground and ran away. A second later she was back with that green frog blanket she had picked out! I FINALLY realized she was taking matters into her own little hands and wrapping it herself!! She carefully folded the paper over to cover it and I asked her if she needed tape. She said, "yes, sticky tape!" So I gave her some cut pieces of tape and after several of those I directed her how to make the edges stay together. She then got that purple bow and put it on top. I can't describe in words how proud she looked when she was finished. It makes me want to cry. She then said "Baby Thomas will be so happy at the hospital." I could hardly take it. She then said, "I will sing-Happy Birthday to you!" Which is so phenomenoly appropriate for that present--I hadn't told her it was his "birthday" but she knew a specially wrapped present must mean a birthday!

She has carried that present around for three days now, showing anyone who steps foot in the house. Here she is with it:I love her so much, I can hardly stand it!!

I can't thank you all enough for your prayers that have helped sustain me through these trying pregnancy months! Please pray for mine and baby Thomas's emotional and physical health Monday! I also want to pray specifically that I won't have to have a c-section-because of the extra recovery time and I am planning on having my mom, sister and mother-in-law all with me for delivery. I think I can only have one person if it is a c-section.
I really feel like having him on the 17th is such a gift and message that Thomas and God conspired for us! What a blessing...now if I can just make it two more days until then!! (I cannot believe my next post will be pictures of our sweet baby boy!!!)

Thomas's Birthday!

2009-08-07T18:48:00.007-05:00

(Ultrasound picture would not scan well at all!
You'll have to use your imagination to see his profile!)

Amazing! I went into my routine weekly appointment yesterday and I measured 35 weeks instead of 37, so just to be safe we decided to do an ultrasound today. NO small baby problem! By his measurements we are 39 weeks and 2 days! Probably around 8 lbs (although the weight is hard to determine.) My doctor is going out of town all next week and so she called me and said that she would like to induce the following Monday-I said, No way, you mean the 17th? And she said, yes...and I told her that would be my husband's 30th birthday! I am still in disbelief at how this is working out (as long as I don't go into labor early--which would be okay too, I know God is in control of when our baby should arrive!)
I go in at 6:00am on the 17th to celebrate my husband's birthday with the birth of our son!! I think this will be wonderful. It's something our son Thomas can share with his dad. I know without a doubt that God will let Thomas in heaven have a window seat to see the day unfold and be "with" us. I am so excited and anxious! I'm about to be the mommy of two! Caroline keeps insisting that Thomas is coming in "Two minutes!" I told her today it will be 9 days and 2 minutes.
I want to send a quick thank you out to all of my awesome friends and family who helped me this week get baby Thomas's nursery ready and my car seat in and checked by a professional (thanks Leigh and Wes!!) Now we just await the soon arrival of Thomas Alexander Culp!

Anniversary

2009-07-29T09:33:00.004-05:00

Next to Father's Day, this day is one of the hardest to take in. It would have been 5 years this Friday. Even as I write that, it is shocking to me-the "would have been" part. When will this disbelief go away? I have a CD (hudsonphotos.com) of all of our pictures from this day, but I just don't have it in me to look at them right now. This is so surreal.
We were married at Center Street Church of Christ on July 31, 2004. We were taken by horse drawn carriage to our reception at the Inn at Carnall Hall on the UofA campus. We left for Jamaica the next morning. It was all beautiful and perfect.
We didn't have reserved seats on our flight to Jamaica and so we rushed to the counter before the flight and Thomas told the airline employee that if there was only one seat available then he wanted me to have it. The lady was so impressed she bumped us both up to first class.
I can't seem to find the right words to write today, but I just knew I wanted those who follow us to know about this important day coming up and to have a few extra prayers said.
I know my last post talked about how down I have felt lately. I can say that I have felt a smidgen better for a couple of days, but it is like the dark cloud will not lift. I am finding it hard to remember things and keep up with friends (please don't think I have forgotten all of you out there! I just feel overwhelmed and treading water to save my life. Hopefully soon I can be a better friend to everybody.)
I finished this book that Tara N. told me about. It is now at the tip top of my list for people who are grieving or for people who want to understand a little better about what their loved ones are feeling after a loss. A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser.
He lost his mother, wife and 4 year old daughter in a car accident. He is raising his remaining three children. He includes a quote from a Puritan "Now life will be a little less sweet, death a little less bitter." I have already found this to be so immeasurably true. He also has a chapter titled, "Why not me?" He says, "Can I expect to live an entire lifetime free of disappointment and suffering? Free of loss and pain? The very expectation strikes me as not only unrealistic but also arrogant..." He goes on to talk about how life isn't fair, and thank goodness it's not. What if we all really got what we deserved? I don't think I would be as blessed as I am with the years I had with Thomas and the two children that are the lights of my life. We are so flawed as humans that I also believe with Mr. Sittser that it is a good thing that we don't get what we deserve. "A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering."

Updates:

My doctor told me I have begun to dialate-that makes me breathe a little faster in an anxious, anticipating way.
I have so much on my list of 'things to do' that I just don't have the motivation or energy to do them. Pray I can "get after" those things ASAP!! I really dread packing my bag for the hospital-for some reason it seems like such a lonely, strange thing to be doing...and it should be an exciting, joyous thing.
Several people are asking about how Caroline is doing. She is absolutely wonderful. In every sense of the word. We still pray about Daddy every night and talk about how much we miss him, she says, "I miss him so much." She seems to understand in her 2 and a 1/2 year old way that he is in Heaven and that we will get to see him again. But, Sunday on our way to church I (like every week) prepared her for her Sunday school class by saying that she will see her friends and mommy will go to her class and then I will come pick her up. So she was repeating it to me and says, "Caroline in her class, mommy in her class and daddy will pick me up!" (He used to be the one to pick her up from class because I would talk too long to others afterward.) I am usually prepared for the things she says about daddy, but this tore my heart out. I wasn't the same for the rest of the day. I just told her, Oh yes how I wish daddy could come pick you up, but do you remember where he is today? and she said, "Heaven!" and then "I miss him very much."
That's how I feel, too, Caroline. Woo-hoo, for Heaven, but, wow, how I miss him very much.

It's official: I want off

2009-07-14T17:06:00.006-05:00

Four generations on Fourth of July Weekend

I can't believe how long it has been since my last blog entry. I have written several in my head, but have not had the overwhelming desire to post an entry until today. It has been a while since I've had several "bad" days in a row and now that is has been more than several days, I have decided that I want off this roller coaster. Not that I ever really wanted to stay on it, but I was riding it up and down and doing what I could to make the best of it. That was then. Now I want off of it.
I'm not sure what exactly, if anything, spurred these feelings I've had lately. I know that it was a shock to my system to realize that is is truly the month of July. What?? Every time I write a check I have to stop and think hard about the date because every time I almost write a '1" (january) for the date. It's like I have been living, but not really been alive for the last six months.
I've stayed really busy and have had made lots of fun memories with Caroline, but still--I am in total shock that Caroline is 2 1/2, I'm 30 1/2 and we are well on our way through the year. It just doesn't seem right.
I think I have been in shock and denial this whole time and it is finally sinking in that he isn't coming back. I hate it.
I hate that I will never be the same. I really am not sure who I am yet. When you spend about half of your life with someone and then they are gone, who in the world are you then?
I have learned so much about God, love, life, death, grief, friendship, faith etc., but how am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life?
I know the answer, and truly believe, I will be fulfilled by drawing closer to Christ, but it isn't an easy road.
I know this post is a downer, but I just need to get it off my chest. I appreciate all of your prayers during this 'down' time.

At our grief group last week we saw an interesting grief line graph. It had the ups and downs you go through in grief plotted on the graph. What was encouraging is that each time it goes down, it isn't as "low" as the one before it. So I guess I have to stay "on" this ride and see it through.Caroline is a very patriotic girl. Here she is with two flags on the 4th!

Caroline details:

I can't believe how amazing this little girl is. Every day I am truly excited to get to her room and share the day with her. She is so sweet, polite, funny and smart. She's really into counting objects (anything! Mail, food, people, books etc.) She can count up to 14 great and then gets stuck on it until I help with 15 and then she can usually get to 20 on her own.
She's known all her colors for a long time and she knows her shapes. She can name about ten letters of the alphabet when she sees them and she can recognize (when I ask her to point to a specific letter more.)
Her favorite books right now are "Good Morning, Good Night" and "The Very Busy Spider" which she can recite by herself.
We read several stories before nap and bedtime including her bible story every night. She is also excited about getting a prize at the library for completing her reading log!
We've found out that she is allergic to cashews and mosquitoes. Hurray for Epi pens.
She likes to make jokes and non-sense words and loves it when I laugh hard at them.
Her favorite VBS song is "I Wish I Had a Little Red Box." So cute.
She sleeps in her big girl bed so well and I don't take that for granted (as well as her continued success from training herself to potty.)
When we get in the car she likes to tell me "Green means go, yellow means slow down and red means stop!" (It's good to have the reminder.)
She clears her own dishes and puts them in the sink for me.
She scraped up a knee and elbow yesterday and did not shed a tear. She laughed when we put peroxide on it. (I would have cried-it looked painful.)
When I say, "I love you" she says "I love you too, mommy." I am so blessed.

Sore Fingers

2009-06-28T20:52:00.004-05:00

Oh, How I love this little girl!!!!!

As I type this I am being careful with my right pinky finger, as that was the last lucky finger to be pricked for getting my blood sugar count. As the title of this post tells you, I have sore fingers. They are actually bruised from the four times a day pricking. Yuck. (It probaby wouldn't have been so bad, but I had to do it five times yesterday morning to get the thing to work right. I have received advice and hopefully that will not ever happen again!) I can't help but think that Thomas would be so amazed and happy that I am able to do this!
The day of diabetes training was really great overall. I realized why I have felt like I haven't had any energy (low blood sugar-not eating enough!) and the best thing I heard was that I did nothing to cause this. I didn't realize I was beating myself up a little about having this diagnosis until the nurse told me that. It isn't anything I've done! It's just the way my body is handling this pregnancy. She also told me that it will go away immediately after birth (even though in my research I've read there is a chance it will still be there--Google can be a good and bad thing for people!) I am confident that baby Thomas and I will be fine. My numbers have been looking good and I really do feel better now that I am making sure I eat more often and watch portion sizes and carbs. Thank you for your (continued) prayers and encouragement from those of you who have been through this during your pregnancies. It has all helped me so much these last few days.
I feel like I'm continually telling you to pray for this or that, but it helps me so much-I am going to keep it up-
This weekend is, of course, the fourth of July, another holiday without Thomas. I didn't post about Father's day. We got through it-we even went to church. I tuned out most of what was said and tried not to listen when I heard people wishing each other a happy father's day and talking about family plans. I didn't do anything particularly special to commemorate it. Caroline and I talked about some fun things that we three used to do together and I did get to visit with Thomas' parents which always makes me feel a little closer to him.
Anyway, not only is this another holiday, but Sunday is the sixth month mark of him being in heaven. I am really trying to let the 5th of each month go by without dwelling on it to much, but when I thought about this one being the half of a year mark it was a shock. How in the world has it been half a year?!!!! Half of a year since I last told him I loved him to his face? Half of a year since he kissed Caroline good night?? I guess everyone is right, life really does go on-whether you want it to or not. I told Becky the other night how since I am still pregnant it feels like I am closer to him, but realizing I only have a matter of weeks left scares me a lot (of course I can't wait to meet baby Thomas,) but that means I will be a completely different person in different circumstances than when I last saw Thomas. I don't know if any of this is making sense.
The two grief workshops I went to in the last four days has taught me some things:

Grief shared (with others,) is grief diminished. (Strange how I am finding this to be true just by the few meetings I've been to so far.)

I will never, ever, be the same person again that I was.
Sitting through a painful memory or moment or song isn't going to kill me.
Letting myself feel it or go through it, without putting up my trusty "wall," will help me to grow. That experience will only feel painful in that exact way, only that one time. The next time that moment, memory, song etc. happens, the grief/pain will be different-perhaps, lessened. Then eventually it can become just a bittersweet moment or, even a sweet memory, (instead of gut-wrenching!)
There are so many people grieving, but they put on a "happy" face to live in the world. Sometimes it is for themselves, and sometimes it is for everyone else around them.
It is okay that I haven't moved any of Thomas' clothing or shoes or shaving stuff.
I am so thankful I have God and an amazing network of family and friends to help me on this journey. I see the difference in how non-Christians grieve or those without a support system like I have.

One of the grief workshops that I attended was presented by ARORA (Arkansas Regional Organ Recovery Agency) After learning so much from them this weekend, I want to encourage everyone to become an organ donor by simply stating it on your driver's license (also tell your family about your wishes.) Thomas and I actually had a conversation about it years ago, so we knew each other's wishes. It is a simple thing to do that can save or improve another person's life (actually one donor can help up to fifty people!) It is a comfort to know that Thomas was able to help out several other people by his willingness to give.
I pray everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday with their families this weekend. Don't take a holiday or a moment for granted.

New Challenge

2009-06-24T21:56:00.004-05:00

Caroline on her first horse at Vacation Bible School. Her face shows how I feel right now!

Enjoying her little pool in the backyard today.

So I left everyone hanging in my last post with the prayer request about my second glucose test. Well, I found out (finally) Tuesday that I failed. Not terribly, but enough that they are sending me tomorrow for a three hour gestational diabetes training (meaning: how to change my diet and how to prick my finger for blood sugar counting several times a day.) Anyone who knows me, knows that I have, in the past, passed out when having to give blood, go for a TB test or anything else that has to do with needles-so you can imagine how thrilled I am about this. After having Caroline, I have become SO much better with needles and I can honestly say that I will be able to do it. I am also ready to be a healthier eater (I did not think I was that bad to begin with, but of course, I could use improvement.)

I think what is hard about having this diagnosis is that it is just another worry. Having this happen has just brought up a lot of feelings that I haven't explored in a while. I knew I would face challenges without Thomas-I just didn't expect it so soon. It feels really lonely-even with tons of family and friends willing to help how ever they can. It just doesn't feel the void I feel right now.(Caroline and Aly at the Aquatic Center-They had a blast!)

As much as the bible says, not to worry, it is way easier to read, than it is to live by it.
I'm just tired. I feel like I'm being beaten while I'm down. I also realize that God must see the need to refine me some more--it makes me nervous to think about what is coming that I'm going to need to be so strong for; I know it doesn't do any good to borrow trouble from the future, but it makes me wonder...
In bible class tonight we talked about praying the Psalms-oh how I relate to so many of them now. I am happy to say that I can be angry, upset or questioning of God, but underneath all of that I know without a doubt that God loves me and I love Him. It is comforting to see David-a man after God's own heart-have similar feelings to me and not feel ashamed to yell them at God. God can take it-even when I don't have the words, just the emotions.
Thanks for any prayers you can send my way as I am tested, yet again, with this new challenge and as we have a really hard grief group meeting tomorrow evening as well. It will be a long day.

(Caroline is really interested in money right now-notice her little purse. We were on our way to the Farmers' Market. She ate about a bag of blueberries by the end of the day!)

As a side note: Every time I look at Caroline or think about her and her baby brother, Thomas, it makes me feel like I can do it. I can live this life that has been given to me-I just need to focus on how to be the best mommy and Christian example I can be.
Love you all!

Father's Day 2009

2009-06-14T12:59:00.005-05:00

Father's Day 2008-Caroline loved getting us to all sit together and wrap her arms around us.

After such a busy time the last few weeks and then a great "break" with Tara last week (see post below,) it gave me some time to re-group for another challenging week coming up. I will appreciate prayers as I have my second (four hour) glucose test Tuesday (Yes, I failed the first one. I did with Caroline also, but passed the second-so I'm hoping for a similar outcome.) This week I will also meet with my financial advisor/planner, which will be good, but also stressful. This week also begins my first weekly meeting with a grief group recommended by a friend at a local church. I pray that it will be a good experience for me and help me to feel like I am grieving the "right" way. I have been feeling even more intense feelings lately. Tara (from the northwest) wrote a blog that reflects a lot of what I'm feeling, so feel free to check that out.)

Hiking May '08

I am determined to try and do things for Caroline that I may not feel up to in these difficult times (and I am DEFINITELY feeling the third trimester of my pregnancy.) So, it is also Vacation Bible School this week that I hope to get her to it each day. To round out the week, it is Father's Day next Sunday. I really have been dreading this holiday for a long time and I am still not sure what to do or how I will handle it. Blessedly, God openened a door for me last month to make me reflect about the holiday and at the same time share a part of my faith with a broader audience through a local family magazine. I was contacted to write about our story for their Father's Day issue. I wasn't sure if I could do it or if I even knew how to approach it, but after reading the comments left at the Peekaboo website I feel even more encouraged and moved by the sweet words left for us.

http://www.peekaboonwa.com/articles/personal-stories/an-ice-covered-bridge/

Working in our first garden June 2008

Thanks in advance for the prayers.

Dear Tara in Texas,

2009-06-14T11:54:00.003-05:00

I thought I would be cheap and not check a bag, which means I didn't have my camera! I will be borrowing all my pics from Tara's blog!

How can I thank you enough for letting us come spend a week with you and your family!!?? I definitely needed the away time and with a friend like you who cares so much for us. We had the best time and I was truly sad to leave. I leave with fun memories of Caroline's first airplane ride, Boomerang's, Watermark's awesome services, way yummy food (yours and Cafe Brazil-I dream about that hashbrown casserole,) "swimming," Caroline's first necklace made of stringing beads (I still can't believe she did it all by herself!,) Babies R Us (WHY don't we have one??,) learning about how to handle baby boy stuff that I did not experience with Caroline!, my awesome ring sling (I think it will be awesome anyway!,) funny Bailey sayings and prayers, watching the girls devour edamame, and most definitely our late night talks. I love you so much and I can't write more without getting emotional and I am really trying to hold it together. Love you, Bonnie

Full Schedule!

2009-06-02T16:31:00.014-05:00

Me, Caroline, Jacob and Tara (Micah was snoozing inside!)

I have been blessed with many Taras in my life! God gave me the opportunity this weekend to meet the Tara that is living a very similar life as mine. She lives over 1700 miles away, and yet was coming to my town for a family member's wedding! God is so amazing! We were able to spend quite a bit of time together and my heart is so full from talking with her, and yet it breaks that we were brought together under these circumstances. Let me backup and document the events of the last two weeks...

This has been a really tough, emotional few weeks. Funny as it sounds, it surrounds the wonderful things people have been doing for our family.
The week before Memorial Day I lost my voice and ended up on antibiotics. Lucky for me, I had Grandma Tracy and Mimi as nurses to help Caroline and I. It is too hard to be sick without help!

Memorial Day weekend Thomas' whole family came for the big Ditch Dig of 2009 in our backyard! Caroline had a blast playing with her cousins and despite the rain all weekend the french drain is up and running! I love getting all together because of the love that the family shares, but of course the absence of Thomas is hard to take.The only picture I took during the "dig!" Caroline and her cousin John Thomas enjoying capri-suns.

We ended up back at the house where we spent Christmas and I did not realize how hard that was going to be on me. Especially when Caroline went looking for daddy to help run the trains in their train room like they did over Christmas. Enough about that...

We then spent the next day and night with my whole family after Jett's first photo shoot. He's the cutest little baby boy ever! (Raye Law Photography)Once we got home we met with some drywall guys to work on our house and a plumber to help with our water heater. We were then ready for the painting of the kids' rooms to commence! Nick and Alisha, friends from our college years and the youth ministers from our church, were so nice to start on Thursday night during our bible study and work until Saturday night to finish both rooms!! Nick is meticulous and thoughtful about painting and I LOVE that because that is exactly how Thomas was about painting! Caroline was so fun about it. She would cover her eyes, yet totally peeking, as she walked into her room. The expression on her face was priceless. She would yell, "Nine-ey's room Purple!" (Nine-ey is the newest nickname she has for herself) and after a few seconds of admiring her room, she would then say, "See baby Thomas' room!" and run across the hall to see that amazing paint job. She has repeated this each day since Saturday! So cute. Thank you Alisha and Nick for your time, energy and love put into the beautiful rooms!!Sneak peek of Caroline's purple room! Her first nursery was also purple-click to see.

Saturday was also the day for Har-Ber High's Thomas Culp Memorial Scholarship Fund car wash. Becky, Jett, Caroline and I were able to stop by and see these amazing students working so hard in the hot sun to honor Thomas. I have mentioned this before, but at certain times, my circumstance hits me as being very real. Seeing Thomas' name on the posters they were holding was one of those times. I told Caroline that we were going to see some of Daddy's friends and students and she thought that was really neat. She's still saying, "Daddy's friends wash cars!"That evening Caroline and I went to what I thought was the Har-Ber science department's end of the year get-together. Turns out it was really a surprise baby shower for baby Thomas! When I realized what they had done, it was really hard to keep it together. I try really hard to put on a strong, happy face most of the time, but I could feel the wall breaking down. I am so blessed to be surrounded by people who truly care about us. Mr. Paul and Mrs. Marianna, also hosted and cooked yummy fajitas for us all, put this pool together just for Caroline! (The pictures from the shower were all taken by our friend, Kyle who is married to Lynsey who is a fellow science teacher of Thomas' at Har-Ber. We all became great friends over the years.)We received tons of gifts, a diaper cake and several presents from Thomas' students for our baby! I couldn't stand it any more! The last present was a drawing of Thomas and Caroline that one of his students took a month to complete. They had it matted and framed for me. When you look at the picture I took of it below, you can imagine how I reacted. Lots of tissues needed.

Caroline looking sassy with her pink "soccer ball" as she calls it. Even Caroline received gifts at Thomas' shower!

After a day of church activities on Sunday, I got to go with Lynsey (who is due with a boy on the very same day as me!!) to Central Junior High's end of the year assembly. Thomas did his MAT internship and taught his first year there. They presented Lynsey and I with a check from a fundraiser they held for the scholarship fund. After hearing Lynsey, on behalf of Har-Ber, speak to the school about all of Thomas' wonderful qualities, I found it hard to get my thank you out. Luckily, Caroline was cooperating and letting me hold her for strength to get through saying my thanks. The whole school stood up and clapped for us--it makes me cry now, like I did then just thinking about it. We were told they are going to hold this fundraiser annually!
Whew...what a week.So I've finally caught up to where I met Tara, Jacob and Micah! We were able to spend a long time here at the house talking and letting the kids play together on Saturday. After the assembly on Monday we spent more time together at the park and their Mimi's house. Preston's and Tara's family went out of their way to make me feel like a part of theirs. They are such a wonderful, Christian family.

Jake and Caroline (she LOVED the fairy costume Tara got for her!)

I feel like I've known Tara forever! We share so many of the exact same feelings, thoughts and fears-but best of all we both share an unshakable faith in God that He will see us through this forever! He won't ever get tired of our emotional roller coaster of feelings! That is so comforting. Tara, I love you and I love that God brought us together so that we will not feel lonely or isolated-He is taking care of us!

Blessed girls

Prayer request: Tomorrow is my glucose test for gestational diabetes. Please pray I pass the first time!!