Thankful

Here is the latest update on Hannah Grace, copied straight from her Caringbridge journal this morning:

Monday, December 7, 2009 8:14 AM, CST

Good Morning to all-this is Nana. Hannah is still with us this morning. She is having a little more difficulty breathing this morning but still being a Warrior Princess. Momma got to sleep in the bed with her last night and I'm sure that was a great comfort to both of them. We are thankful of the day we had with her yesterday. We surrounded her and the ones in the room with wonderful praise and worship music. It brought a sense of peace to our hearts. Please continue to keep the prayers going-we were more mentally & emotionally prepared for Hannah's homecoming yesterday than we are today.

I am now in the position that so many of you were when you were comforting me eleven months ago. How do you keep going with your normal routine when a family you love is having their entire world change forever.
Uncle Travis made a really great point to Becky and I when we were despairing over the situation with Hannah. Everyone is praying for the Crumby family and God is holding onto them tight. The rest of us, who are praying for them, may not feel the peace and assurance that God is granting them.
I can speak from experience when I say that God's embrace was physically, tangible during those darkest days for me-and He continues to be when the dark days creep in again. I do draw comfort that I know the Crumby family will feel the same way because they are believers.
Thank you, God, for keeping your promises to us. You will be their Great Comforter. You will carry them through and You never let go.

I am continuing this post on being thankful, hoping that it can be an encouragement, that although there are certainly trials in life there are also many blessings...
We had an amazing turnout at Har-Ber High's First Annual Run to Remember for my husband. The students from EAST lab put together a great run and they raised over two thousand dollars towards the Thomas Culp Memorial Scholarship. I had many family and friends come out to support us. Thank you to those who contributed, ran (or walked in my case!,) or prayed for this event. The back of the shirts had a quote from my husband that he had written on a picture of himself that he kept in his classroom "Bending the future to my will one student at at time." He still makes me laugh.Caroline celebrated Thanksgiving at her Mother's Day Out by singing a song with her class on stage and inviting us all to a feast afterwards. Sweet memories were made. (I was juggling the camcorder and the camera so the pics did not turn out great. Thanks to Mom, Becky, Travis and Nellie who juggled Thomas and Jett so that I could focus on Caroline!)We spent Thanksgiving at Aunt Jen and Uncle Mark's house. They went all out to make sure all their nieces and nephews had a fantastic time. Caroline is still talking about the cart and feeding Taffy the pony, bounce house and puppy Sera. I am so blessed to have a close relationship with Thomas's family and it really feels like I've spent time with Thomas after being with them all.Getting out the Christmas decorations was really tough. I remember so vividly sitting in front of our tree this time last year and letting Caroline bring her daddy the wrapped present that had a picture of our positive pregnancy test inside. I am so happy we were able to celebrate the pregnancy together those few weeks.
I have tried hard to really "be" in the moment when special times come around throughout the year. But sometimes I am just going through the motions to create those memories for Caroline and baby Thomas that I know are important for them to have. I truly believe that eventually I will feel more true about these times in the coming years. It seems a little far off right now, though.The fact that the ONE YEAR mark is quickly approaching has not been lost on me. I really do not remember what happened to spring this year, summer I tried hard to do special things with Caroline before her brother arrived, so I remember some things from it. The fall has flown by, and now we are here. Wow. I've heard from people that the days leading up to "the day" are harder than the day itself. Not sure that makes the experience any easier, but I do know my dear friend Tara's blog about fear sure helped me this week.
Tara and her two adorable boys, their mimi, my dear friend Leigh and us three were able to go to the square and see the lights. I am so glad I went with them. This was one of the last "big" memories from our time together last year and it helped to be with Tara who knows almost exactly how I feel. We were able to spend a lot of time together that day and I am so thankful for her friendship and that God brought us together.

Hannah Grace Crumby

As those of you who have been following my blog know, words rarely fail me. They are certainly failing me now. I was able to spend a precious, so very precious, three hours with Kimberly and Hannah Monday night. It was such an honor to me that Kimberly let me share that time with them. God is holding the Crumby family so tight, you can physically see it. I have asked my blog readers to pray for this family over the last few months and now this sweet little girl needs more. The ventilator will be turned off this Sunday. Please ask your friends, family and churches to pray like they have never prayed before for a miracle for Hannah Grace. Kimberly and I are strong in our faith and know that God can heal Hannah if it is his will at this time-we also know that we cannot know the bigger picture and He may choose to have Hannah in heaven with Mr. Thomas. Either way, Hannah will be taken care of and the bible that we choose to believe with every fiber of being promises that we will all be together again.

www.caringbridge.org (HannahGraceCrumby)

Two New Looks

I knew it was time to get rid of the pink, but I have not had any free time to explore Blog color options. I even have had some sweet readers volunteer to re-do our blog layout, but I just don't have the time to see what's out there! Hopefully over Christmas break I will get around to that (and to change the picture at the top of the page...)

Some of you have asked about my new haircut-it really isn't some crazy new do like Kate Gosselin or anything, but it is definitely different for me! Here's a few pics others have posted to Facebook-I don't like to be the only one in a picture so these will have to do! Some of our sweet bible study girls got to go to a Pro-Life benefit for "Loving Choices" pregnancy center. I was already a "pro-lifer" but after hearing the presenter/doctor speak about the thousands of abortions he performed before giving his life to Christ was almost too much to bear. He explained the process of an abortion-anyone who thinks they are pro-choice needs to hear what actually happens and it would HAVE to change their minds. Also, 95% of women who are considering abortion decide to keep the baby or give the baby up for adoption after seeing an ultrasound of the baby! Awesome.

A little closer-up pic of my hair and of sweet Thomas in his peapod costume!! (Thanks, Tara!) This picture is hilarious. Jett doesn't look to happy about being squished next to Thomas!

Prayer Requests:

Hannah Grace Crumby's health

The holidays, for everyone who has lost someone

Praises:
Baby London born yesterday afternoon!! 8lbs 6oz 19 3/4 inches!

The blessings we have in life (my family and friends)

Being able to spend a whole day and most of the night with Tara N. and family!!!--Blog post to come...

On a much lighter, stinkier note...

Title of this post does not have anything to do with this cutie-pie. I just had to include this huge, adorable smile. He is such a good baby. I could just eat him up.

So I have had NO time to blog about all of the events last week. I will get to it eventually! It was wild with Thomas getting sick and then Mimi catching it and having to go home, yet I still had class that I had to go to...you get the picture.
In the middle of all that I was fortunate enough to have Aunt Becky come one evening so I could shower-yes, I am admitting to the world that I do not shower every day. (By the way, this fact also has nothing to do with the title of this post including the word "stinky.") You have to have priorities being a single mother of a newborn and a two-year-old. Showering is not high on that list. I am digressing...
So I felt like I was going a million miles a minute all week and this feeling continued as I was getting ready after my shower. (I feel like taking time to fix my hair after a shower is eating into precious children time-or precious sleeping time, so I'm always in a hurry.)
I intentionally did not post about my new haircut--seemed kind of trivial in light of everything else going on, but now to tell this not-so-short story I have to post about it.
I've never had my hair so short in my life. I love it. Melissa at "Spoiled" salon is a friend and an awesome hair dresser and she knew what I needed. Something easy to fix, yet wouldn't make my curls look like a triangle head. THANKS, Melissa!
I am finally wrapping this story up...stay with me here.
I bought exactly all of the hair products she used on me so that I could try and re-create my new hair cut style on my own at home.
One of these products is called Rusk. It is to be sprayed "liberally." (I think that is the word it used on the back.)
So in my haste, I grabbed the small clear bottle with an orange top and sprayed--liberally.
After a second or so of spraying, I start coughing and my eyes are stinging. Becky was in the room and I told that I must have sucked in right when I sprayed it. I continue spraying.
After the coughing doesn't stop, I finally stop spraying and look at the bottle. I immediately put my head under the faucet of the sink while Becky is asking what is going on!? Now her eyes are burning in the next room!! Here's what I saw:
I freaking sprayed "Off" mosquito repellent all over my hair!! My eyes and neck stung for at least ten minutes after re-washing. Just so you don't think I'm nuts, here's what they look like from behind.

A mistake any frazzled mom could make, right??

Hannah Grace

I've asked you all to pray for my sweet friend Kimberly's little girl, Hannah. She continues to fight for her life and her family has been on their own terrible emotional roller coaster for a few months now. You can visit her blog by clicking here: http://www.caringbridge.org/ and typing in "Hannahgracecrumby" in the "visit a site" section.
She has suffered another stroke and they are waiting to find out the results of this one. As her parents pray and stay close to God during this time, her mom has encouraged and uplifted her blog readers, family and friends in ways that she may never even know.
She copied a poem from another little girl's (RachelJoy's) blog. This was posted this morning:

WARNING- get your tissue ready!

Once upon a special day in Heaven up above , the tiniest souls sat at God's feet, surrounded by His love. ‘The time is coming, very soon’, God said, ‘Do not be scared. Your family awaits your arrival, now let us get prepared’.

And so God looked upon these souls, in mute consideration. He knew the life each one would live, He weighed each situation.

The souls chatted amongst themselves, and wondered who they'd be. They knew the day grew closer; soon, they'd meet their family.

‘How would you like to change the world?’ God asked each soul in fun. The chance to change a soul, a heart, is held by only one.

‘I'm going to make the world laugh’, one soul said with a smile, ‘for laughter heals a broken heart, and helps us through each trial’.

‘Then take with you the brightest smile, and share your laughter well’. The soul thanked God immensely, and down to earth he fell.

‘And I'll remind the world to sing’, a sweet little soul told the Lord. ‘I have the gift of a beautiful voice; I can hit every note and every chord’.

‘You’ll have the gift of music then, a voice, lovely and strong. Share your gift with others, and let them hear your song’.

‘I will show compassion’, the next little soul raised her hand. ‘Some people only need a friend, someone to understand’.

‘Compassion is a good thing’, God said with much delight. ‘To you, I will give mercy. You'll perceive wrong from right’.

And so each soul shared every thought, their plans, their hopes, their dreams. And God explained that life, it is, much harder than it seems.

And as each soul began to leave in a scurry of laughter and fun, Heaven became quiet and still, for left was only one.

‘Come sit with me my little child’, God said with just a sigh. ‘Do you know how many you will touch, in a world left wondering why? Before your life comes to an end, you will know much strife, but you'll teach those who know you, to cherish the smallest things in life.

'And some may only know you through a simple photograph, they'll never hold you in their arms, or memorize your laugh. Some may only know you through the words they read each day, but you'll do something wonderful, you'll make them stop and pray’.

The tiniest soul raised her head up, to touch God's firm, strong hand. ‘Father, I am ready for the life that you have planned. And I will do the best I can without a word or deed. For you Lord, are the planter, and I will be your seed’.

She could already hear many praying, and although they had not seen her face, they were praying for her safe arrival, they were asking for mercy and grace.

‘What talent do I leave with Lord? What gift do you impart?’

‘All that you will need’, God said, ‘I've placed within your heart’. And so God kissed this tiny child, knowing all that she would be, and whispered as he watched her go...'You'll teach them . . . to love me'.

Whether Hannah is on this earth for 4 years or 104, I know she is such a child..."

Hannah is a fighter and she has fought through already two life threatening situations (three if you count the leukemia!) Kimberly and I were talking a couple of weeks ago and as sad as it sounds, if Hannah ends up heaven we know that Thomas will be there to take care of her. As soon as Hannah was born we joked about how Thomas was president of the Hannah fan club. She was shy around most people when she was really little, but not around Thomas. They loved each other.

The bible promises we have hope in Christ. Hope for an eternal salvation and heaven. Hope that we will all be reunited again. This is definitely an encouragement and a reason to be thankful to God.

“Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, that where I am you may be also. John 14:1-3

But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself. Phillipians 3:20-21

This Thanksgiving season let's all be thankful for each moment we have on this Earth with our family. It is a blessing to have the love we feel for each other, even if it is for not as long as we would like.

November already??

(Thanks for the beautiful hats and flowers, Beth!)

I am so sorry to have not updated until today! It is so hard for me to find enough words to thank you all for your support after that last post of mine. I read every comment and you all had great advice and encouragement. I definitely did not feel alone in the struggles of nursing! Several of you called and left messages of encouragement, as well-thank you! A few of you mentioned that maybe this is God's way of making me ease up on myself. I think you are right. Thomas and I have found the happy medium of nursing and supplementing with formula. It has freed me up for more quality time with Caroline and I still feel he is getting what he needs. The added bonus of formula is that he is sleeping in his bassinet at night for about 5-6 hours straight! Hallelujah! More sleep has helped me cope with my emotional ups and downs these past weeks.I am still dealing with health insurance woes-waiting ever so patiently for the COBRA people to add Thomas so that we can move ahead with paying bills and getting our appointments back on track. I am dreading talking to that billing lady at our clinic, so you can be praying for that as well!
Caroline and Thomas are growing up so quickly. I told someone that I really think I saw Thomas grow before my eyes a few days ago while he was playing. He is grabbing more purposefully at toys and smiling the biggest smiles that stop my heart!! He even giggles and babbles. He is such a good baby. Caroline continues to amaze me with her independence and ability to follow directions (usually the first time!) I keep telling people that God knew what I needed in that sweet little girl. She is helping load and unload the dishwasher and we have even had some time to bake together (thanks, Reba, for the pumpkin muffin recipe!) She is saying "I think so" and "I think not" lately. For example, Me: "Do you think it is time for nap?" Caroline: "I think not." Me: "Do you think it is time to run the dishwasher?" Caroline: "I think so." She also said the other day after I asked her what happend to the cracker on the floor, "My cute little foot stepped on it." I laughed so hard. When I am talking a lot with another adult she will ask "What are you talking about?" so that she can be in on the conversation.
At this moment, both sweet peas are asleep. I consider it a gift from God (and I am not exaggerating in the least bit. He knows what we need and when and He provides!!)Speaking of sweet peas, Thomas was a pea-in-the-pod for Halloween and Caroline was Tinkerbell. She had fun trick-or-treating at Mother's Day Out. Here she is with her teacher and another classmate:
Thomas pictures to come...

I have had more of an "up" week this past week, but I miss Thomas so much. I can't imagine me every getting used to relying on others to help me when it should be him there. If it wasn't for the amazing church family I have, we wouldn't have been able to enjoy our church's fall carnival friday night at all. Who knew how much help I was going to need getting two costumed children from the car into the church! And then feeding both of them and myself while there was a whole other adventure. Aunt Becky luckily came to help take Caroline around to the rides, but I found myself without free hands to take pictures. I am realizing that some things will have to be given up in order to enjoy ourselves and if that means less pictures, then so be it.

I haven't written about this before, but since I keep thinking about it I've decided to get it on the blog so that maybe it will help me get through the feelings. Over and over I find myself saying or thinking, "the hardest thing about this is _____" There are so many hard things about this that I have given up saying that and instead I say "Another hard thing about this is____" But while reading a book called Believe by a widow with two very young children, Jennifer Silvera, she hit the nail on the head. She recalls someone asking her "What do you miss the most?" There are a thousand things I miss, but the one thing that hits me over and over again day after day is not having Thomas to "check in" with. I think so many people take this for granted, but just think about how often you "check in" with your husband. I use to call or text message him several times through out the day just to say 'hi' or talk about dinner plans or just to find out where he was at a certain time of the day. It was such a habit that for several weeks after the accident I would pick my phone up after I had been out somewhere just to call and "check in" with him. -My breath catches just thinking about that feeling of realizing what I was doing and that he would not be able to answer my call. It still happens every now and then, when I feel that urge to call and check in with him. It is a feeling of pain that is undescribable. Who else wants to hear about the tiny things that happen throughout the day that you share with your spouse? Blessedly for me, my sister is able to be that person I can call with most of those details, but it is not quite the same as sharing your day with your spouse over dinner.
I really had planned on keeping this an upbeat post, but it feels better just to be completely honest about where I am in this journey.
I can say that I am truly enjoying each moment I get to spend with my children and that God is keeping us close and giving me the strength I need to not just go through the motions, but enjoy life. Thank you so much for your continued prayers.

A special prayer for my friend that is like a sister to me, Julie Harmon. Her daddy passed away this past Wednesday and his funeral was this afternoon. I am terribly saddened that I could not be there in person. I am continually praying for her family.

Firsts

My head is so full of emotions and thoughts that if I don't post them right this moment I think I am about to give myself a migraine. Keeping up with this blog is truly cathartic for me.

I am feeling very tired, swamped and a little defeated today. This dreary weather is not helping.

Let me start with some fun stuff first:
Thomas smiled for the first time about three weeks ago at his big sister! (I guess he favors her over me-I am totally okay with that!) I managed to take this picture of one of his adorable smiles at me about a week later on Sept 25.Caroline started attending the mother's day out program one day a week. She loves it-especially because they sing her favorite song "You are my Sunshine." I keep forgetting to write some cute things she says. She really enjoys her "step-pools" (stepstools) and I am too. She can wash her hands by herself and help with packing her lunch using step-pools. Also, this past weekend we got to enjoy some family time in Fort Smith. Aunt Laura introduced her to Peter Pan. She now asks to watch "Peter Pot" often. So cute.
Here's a picture of her on her first day of school:
And way back on September 6th, Thomas had his first day of church! Here he is all dressed up with one of his daddy's ties (thanks Amber!)
I'm not sure what's going on in my head and heart right now. I think it just boils down to missing Thomas. Just when I think I've gotten through some aspect of my grief (by the way, I understand the grief will never be "gotten over") it comes rushing back to me.
Lately at dance there has been a dad there watching his little girl in his "office" outfit with a white shirt and tie. In the reflection of the one-way mirror I can almost see Thomas standing there in this typical Thomas outfit watching Caroline dance and be so proud of her listening so well to her teacher amidst all the three and four year olds. When our reality hits, it takes my breath away. I think I'm afraid to really feel it for very long in case I nose-dive into it and somehow find myself unable to come back out of it to function for my family. This is rough.

I know this next paragraph will sound so silly, but here I am in all my honesty:
I feel like I've failed baby Thomas. I have tried so hard to strictly breastfeed (for bonding, for his health, to persevere because it is stinking hard to do, and because I did with Caroline, etc,) then today I took him in for his two month check up. First of all, I'm having a rough day anyway and then when I get us all there and on time (you know how much energy that takes!) the receptionist says I have to talk to the billing lady. So the billing lady tells me that I have to re-schedule since I have not been able to add him onto our insurance yet because the great state of Arkansas (can you sense my sarcasm) has failed to send his birth certificate to me yet. I am not about to go home without seeing the doctor. So I ask her what options do I have--wow this story is getting long--anyway she agrees to let me see the doctor, but we can't do any shots today. Okay, whatever lady.
I'm already upset about that scene and then the doctor tells me that Thomas is about 15 percentile in weight. (He is ten pounds even, All else is 50th percentile) Caroline was always around 80%, so I am horrified. He asks if I've been eating well, sleeping etc. You can imagine how this goes over on me. We decided to supplement with some formula. I think for any other "normal" mom this would be no big deal and nothing to go home and blog about. But I am far from normal and I'm sad about this. The doctor said there is no need for concern at this point. I think I just feel I didn't do my job for sweet baby Thomas. So tonight we will begin the pumping and supplementing. If you've stayed with me ranting this long about such a small thing, thank you.

I honestly don't have the energy or will to write about everything going on right now, I just wanted to ask for prayers during this trying time. If it wasn't for God, my mom and sister, I don't know where I'd be right now.
I am also continually praying for sweet 4 year old Hannah and her recovery from her stroke during her chemo last week. God is our strength James and Kimberly!

P.S.
Har-Ber High EAST students are hosing a "Run to Remember" in honor of my husband on Oct. 31st.
Forms can be mailed to
Har Ber High 300 Jones Road Springdale, AR 72762
Here's a link for some info for that:
http://pub.sdale.org/~dlamb/runtoremember.htm