Allowing God to Work

Let me start off by saying a few months ago I finally surrendered everything in myself to God. I told Him, do with me what You will and I will listen.
As soon as I did that, a happiness and contentment followed that I have never known in my life before.
I clearly remember jumping on our trampoline with Caroline while Thomas sat in his exersaucer a few feet away thinking I have not felt this kind of freedom and contentment before. It was a blessing from God. I knew that I had God's power behind me to raise two amazing, extraordinary children without a husband. God had already shown me how well I was taken care of from my friends and family and that I was OK! I was content. and happy. and ready to do it for the next twenty years or forever if that what was best for my kids.
I have wanted to write a post about my new happiness for a while but that mean-not-from-God- guilt for being as happy as I was would creep in. I felt like some people might judge me for my happiness and wonder why I could be so happy after losing an amazing husband and father to my child(ren). (My breath still gets sucked out of me when I think about how Thomas did not meet his son on this side of heaven...)



My last round through Griefshare at the Fellowship church was what helped me turn a corner. A wonderful, strong Christian woman who was a two-time widow explained how the pain and memories are in technicolor in the first year or so and then the pain becomes less vibrant as in black and white. I remember thinking that may be true for you but not for me.
I doubted her when she said that back in January, but by March I started understanding what she meant. (Remember my post "Spring is Coming"?) Spring came and with it God opened my eyes to how he can make so much good come from terrible things. I had kept holding onto the feeling that I did not want good to come from Thomas' death. How in the world can good come from this??
I finally decided to turn that over to God and He has exceeded my expectations of how good can come and not only it can come, but it should come! We are all heading to a fate like Thomas'. Sure, it may come in a different way and his came in unfair and wrong way in that he was so young and full of amazing promise Hopefully most of us will be able to live out long, full lives. But we are all going to end the way he did, facing God and living eternally elsewhere. Blessedly for Thomas it is heaven and I will do everything in my power to get everyone I know, and some people I do not know, there as well.
God brought the Single Moms' Ministry idea to me and another fellow single mom who I did not even know yet. She also is surrendered to God and happiness is apparent in her words and actions. Those ladies are amazing women letting God direct our paths.
God also sends people to me telling me how they receive encouragement from my blog and my life. Praise God.
Trials will most certainly come in everyone's lives. I just want to let everyone know how much more bearable these are when you have a relationship with God. Even an added bonus is a relationship with a church family. My church has reached out and taken care of us in so many ways that it brings tears to my eyes thinking about it. Your church is a built-in support system that you need during your walk through the valleys, and yet they are there to celebrate with you when you are on the mountain top as well!


I keep this blog so that my kids will be able to read it and see the journey that life is. I can tell them all about the struggles we faced in the early years of their lives, but for them to be able to read it as it unfolds on this blog,I believe, will teach them that at times life is unfair, VERY unfair, hard, and full of times to make choices, yet when you have a real, thriving relationship with God, He directs your path and will exceed your wishes, hopes, and dreams and bring beauty from ashes.
He promises it in His bible, and by the way, God, thank you for already showing me that you mean what you say.

Some lyrics from one of my theme songs from Brandon Heath, "Trust You."

It's never easy changing direction
It's so unnatural to loosen up my grip
Are you growing weary, of all my good intentions
'Cause I know that you don't work that way

I'm not gonna fight You anymore
I'm not gonna try to lock the door
You took Your life and gave me Yours
There's no reason why
I shouldn't trust You with mine

Some days this weight upon my shoulder
Is my shame I know I should know better
'Cause you say that I must now surrender
There's no other way

Not gonna fight you anymore (not gonna fight you anymore)
I'm not gonna try to lock the door (I needed life You gave me Yours)
You took my life and gave me Yours
There's no good reason why, I shouldn't trust You.


Ps Thomas has two teeth and is crawling!

Sweet Memories

Caroline having muddy fun with two of the four cousins we are visiting!


An eight hour drive to Texas with me and my sweet kiddos! We honestly had a great drive down and the only time I got frustrated with Caroline was when she told me to turn my music down because she said it was too loud!
I did not even tell her about the borrowed (thank you Mauree!) DVD player until we were six hours into the drive! Cinderella got us through Dallas easily! The garmin was an enormous help (Thanks, Kim!) I told Kim I wished the lady who tells me when to turn would give positive reinforcement after I follow her direction! "in 1.5 miles turn left...great turn, Bonnie! Keep it up, you are almost there!"
the only other annoying event was when my rear view mirror decided to fall off as I adjusted it. Yes, you heard me right. It stinking fell right off the windshield as I was driving. It's not like I have a clunker either, it's a 2007. I managed to make it stay on as we went through Dallas. Funny how you take things for granted unless you really need them! (I am blaming it on the Texas heat. It is so hot!)
Anyway, Caroline and I played the association game for a really long time (I am thinking about fire. She says, that makes me think of camping. I say, that makes me think of s'mores...etc) We laughed a lot about the funny things we came up with. We also sang the "tomorrow" song from Annie and "doe a deer" from sound of music at least twenty times each. Not exaggerating.
Thomas tried to sing and talk with us, but he mainly slept.
Speaking of Thomas! He was a little fussy one day last week-and he is virtully Never fussy. Several people said he is probably teething and each time I would politely say yeah, right-Caroline was 16 months (Can you believe it?!) before her first tooth came in! I remember googling about baby teeth never coming in and of course there is some very rare disorder where people never have teeth grow in!! Thankfully hers all came in! Better late than never! L O N G story short, lo and behold I felt a sharp tiny tooth coming in on his bottom gum! At nine months!!
He also had some real food besides baby food this week. Like his momma, he loves guacamole! He also had beans at the Cyclone Corral Barbecue place! For dessert I let him taste our peach cobbler.
Here is a picture of sweet Thomas so proud of himself after swiping my spoon when I looked away for two seconds!


More on our trip coming soon!

Promises

Caroline enjoying watermelon during our trip to Texas. Since we've been home a few days she will randomly say 'texas is hot!' I totally agree sweet Caroline!
I have grown a lot in the last couple of months. I have finally decided to come to terms with my new normal and I have surrendered even more to God so that He can work more freely. (Who knew there was so much I was hanging onto and trying to "work out" myself?!)
I am not saying I am completely healed, I just realized I am okay with letting "good" come from the tragedy. I know it must sound strange to hear that I did not want good to come from it. But I was just so hurt that I could not imagine good coming from our horrendous tragedy.
I guess the first surrendering moment I want to record is how God talked me into starting a single moms' ministry. I don't like to use friends' names on my blog without permission so I will do my best to make this as clear as possible.
I have known for a long time that helping others in a similar situation as mine is heart wrenching and yet helps me heal as well. As I finished my second round of griefshare last month, I had the overwhelming desire to share what I had learned with other moms. God opened the door and made it very clear to me.
I was told about the awesome book "my single mom life" by Angela Thomas from a friend who told me the story of how a girl she knew in high school contacted her out of the blue and brought her the book on a stormy night several months ago. Flash forward a few months and I am told by two unrelated friends about a newly single mom of four children. I went to meet her and we immediately hit it off. She also felt God calling her to a moms ministry. She already knew of the book I wanted to use and we made plans for it. That same night I befriended her on facebook and saw we had a mutual friend. The same friend who originally told me about the book. I connected the dots and realized that my new friend with four children was the same woman who dropped the book off on the stormy night to my other friend! So she was the reason I read the book! God has shown me in more ways than this one example that He is in control of the plan. He just needs willing people to carry it out!
We have had one official meeting and it went great. It was a total monsoon right when it was supposed to start but I told God as I was driving in the downpour that He was in control of this ministry and if no one comes that night then it would be His fault and not mine. We still had five moms come and wonderful, selfless matt and meagan babysit all of the kiddos! Immediately after the meeting the rain stopped and there was the most amazing complete double rainbow over our church building. He was telling me that He keeps His promises no matter our circumstances. Here are a few pics of it from my phone.





Letting God have complete control of my life is an amazing, liberating way to live. But it is a continual process. Some days I am better at letting Him have it than others but I strive to talk with Him each day and I just straight up tell Him when it is difficult and I ask Him for help. He has not let me down yet. I completely depend on Him.

Jeremiah 29:11 I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. 12"When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. 13-14"When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed..."

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

One month since my last post...What?!

Caroline and some friends at sweet Rosemary's Moms' Club meeting. They wore PJs and listened to Rob Button's fun music to help raise money for American Childhood Cancer Organization.

I hope to update tonight, but it may be after midnight so I wanted to post something before it has been officially over a month since my last real post!

VERY short summary of the last month:
We are doing well.
God is teaching me a lot, but the growing pains hurt sometimes!

I can't wait to sort through it all and put it down into a cohesive, coherent blog post. (But if I wait for that to happen, it may NEVER happen!) :-)

So I will leave this post with some verses I am focusing on:

Be still, and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10

...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness... 2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)

My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.
2 Corinthians 12:9 (Message)

Yes, he'll banish death forever. And God will wipe the tears from every face. Isaiah 25:8

Thomas Culp's Tale

See our local TV news' (KNWA) video segment on Har-Ber High School's construction project of an outdoor classroom the students are building in Mr. Culp's memory. These Har-Ber students are amazing. It makes me so happy to be able to show Caroline his students and have recorded what they say about him so we can watch it for years to come. We DVR'd this and watched three times (the third time because Caroline requested.)
Click on the link below-you'll have to watch a really short ad (I kind of wish it could have been an ad for anything else but what it is, oh well.) Then after the ad you have to push the little "play" button again to get it to go!
Click here: Thomas Culp's Tale

Miracle Moments

Easter Egg Hunt 2010: What blessings (my friends and the babies!) All of these babies were delivered by Dr. Birch!

Thanks for taking these pics, Meagan!

Wow, it has been a while since I've updated my blog. I have written a few posts in my mind, but I either haven't had the time to type it out or once I "wrote" them in my brain I didn't feel the need to vent it on here :-)
My sister made me an awesome CD of Christian songs that I'm listening to right now. Third Day's King of Glory is playing right now as I type this and it is distracting because I just want to sing along and praise Jesus for the amazing things He's doing in my life. (Listen to it below!)


I feel like God is stretching and "growing" me daily. In the last week alone I have learned so much in my bible studies and GriefShare group that I'm not even sure I can condense it into one post...but I'm going to try!
In our ladies bible study on Thursday night we studied the lies women believe about emotions. Just because we feel something does not mean that it is true. "We may feel unloved, but that does not mean we are unloved, we may feel alone, but that does not mean we are alone...The Truth is, God is good, whether I feel like He is or not...we must remember that "feeling good" is not the ultimate objective in the Christian's life..." (DeMoss pgs194 and 210)

Wow: How well do I know the above to be true! I've said it myself in earlier posts-we are not told that when we become Christians we will live suffering-free lives and all will be well--actually we are told that we will suffer.
I believe it is our response and reactions to the trials in life that shows our God and those around us our true beliefs and character. We can't just talk the talk, we have to walk the walk.

Sweet Thomas-He is a perfect baby in every way.

In the last two weeks of our GriefShare group I have learned:
"we may be thinking that the absence of pain is a sign of healing. Real healing is characterized by the presence of both joy and pain."
I still struggle at times with feeling guilty for being happy. In this GriefShare session we talked about how pain and joy coexist and that grief can actually expand your ability to feel joy...eventually.
I love this from my notes, "If you believe He is good during the "good" times, He is good during the bad." "In a fallen world, pain is a part of life. When it comes, express your confidence in God's ability to use your suffering for good, by being joyful about your inevitable character development."
Some days I can say amen to this "inevitable character development", and yet some days I am upset about this development because it came from such a horrendous event--that probably doesn't make sense, but that's how I feel.....I am working on this though!

We also had a wonderful conversation about how we get to have "glimpses of Heaven" in what GriefShare calls "miracle moments." First of all I was amazed to hear that the majority of people going through grief have also experienced these "moments" as I have. I have felt that maybe I was reading too much into these moments, but now I feel like I have confirmation that they are from God (as I thought they were!) I think most of you out there have had these experiences, but maybe not considered the source.My adorable nephew, Jett. How I love you!!

Non-christians and skeptics would call them coincidences. I've heard somewhere that coincidences are when God wants to be remain anonymous and actually the day after this GriefShare discussion my friend Shelly's mom ran into me and brought this topic up herself! She says, "It's not odd, it's God!" I love that. SO it's not odd that she ran into me the day after our miracle moment discussion at Griefshare, it was God showing his control and love for me and my life.

I also know some people may get hung up on the word "miracle," don't let it! I'm not talking about miracles like when Jesus turned water into wine (although He, of course, still has the power to do this today!) I'm talking about the miracle moments like God giving me a sister who loves me with such an unconditional love that it feels my eyes with tears. And another miracle moment when Caroline told me back in late November that daddy had told her that Hannah was in heaven with him when Caroline was just two years old and had no background knowledge of Hannah's serious situation.
Sweet Caroline is growing up: Just this week "Step-pool" turned to "stepstool" at least you still say "Slipslop" for flipflop! :-)

Another miracle moment for me was the terrible day of the funeral when I absolutely could not will my muscles to lift myself out of bed and I said a short prayer and--there is no other way to describe it--God lifted me out of that bed and made my feet walk to the car. I did not move myself-I am certain. It was Him.
I am unable to list every miracle moment that I have had in the past year and a half--it would take hours! Lots of the moments come as an email or phone call at the exact moment I need it. Or a prayer that is answered so obviously, for example--I have been wanting to learn more about the bible to be able to teach my children and the PERFECT study is presented. It has taken about a month to go from Genesis 1:1 to chapter 20, but that is a perfect pace for me and my limited knowledge!

On a smaller miracle scale, but just as mighty of a miracle is what I see in my children. Caroline's love for God and caring heart is growing before my very eyes and baby Thomas' sweet constant smiles bring me glimpses of heaven on a daily basis. Thank you, God.
"Heaven is real, and everyone on earth has the choice to go there. Nothing on earth compares with heaven...A person in heaven wouldn't even want to come back here. While I wait for my turn to be with You in heaven, help me to live purposefully and be devoted to doing your work." (Griefshare Session 13)

Spring Mission Project 2010: Our House!!

(My computer says it doesn't have enough memory for my pictures from my camera! Argh! Thanks to Janice for letting me borrow some pics from her blog! Janice, thank you for working so hard for me--This picture below is how everyone will remember you! Did you ever take a break??)

There are not enough words to thank those who helped and/or prayed us through this past weekend! Side note: I was about to say on this post how I wished the English language had a lot more words for "thank you" like how the Eskimos have tons of words for "snow," but to be accurate about the number I googled "number of Inuit words for snow" and found that this is actually an urban legend! (Play NBC's "The More You Know" music in your head right now)


My wonderful sister and amazing friend, Dori, planned a service project for anyone who wanted to help me at my house last weekend. I needed help fixing some things around the house and also several rooms had a gray-ish paint and we needed to put some "spring" cheer into our house. I wasn't even able to count (someone said around 30) how many people came, my eyes are filled with tears right now as I think about all of those people who out of the goodness of their hearts gave up their ENTIRE Saturday to work for me, my sweet kids and to glorify God.

I truly believe that Northwest Arkansas has more selfless, caring people than anywhere else in the state. (I did not complete a scientific survey on it, but I am really good at observing.)

Autumn had the great idea to let people write bible verses on the walls before we painted them. I LOVE knowing that these verses are forever on our walls under the new paint and, of course, etched in our hearts.

What amazing people I have surrounding us.

I have to admit I was a little worried that it was going to be left up to me to climb the ladders and finish the trim once the crazy March blizzard hit. It dumped 13 inches of snow! But it could not keep Dori, Clint, Becky, Travis, Tyler and Nellie from coming back the next day to finish up! I need not every worry. I have amazing friends who are examples of what Christians should be to each other. LOVE YOU GUYS! Now that the bulk of the painting was finished, Tara H. has spent several days helping me organize my house. She truly has a gift! At one point I pulled out everything out of my bathroom cabinets and about gave up and shoved it all back in, but she did not miss a beat by showing me how to tackle the job! I have joked in the past that I have .05% hoarder in me, but I can say that I am now a recovering hoarder. I feel that I have been cured! I can now say I completely understand the value of a label gun and numerous plastic tubs. It was extremely difficult to come across some items from Thomas and I's past as we progressed through the miniature archaeological dig of our twelve years of dating and marriage together. I have kept every thing of Thomas's because I want Caroline and Baby T to use it all to get to know their daddy. I enjoyed seeing his handwriting on burnt CDs of music and thought how neat it will be to listen to it with the kids as they get older and "share" that with their dad...

Enough about that part of it for now... I can say that more laughs were had than cry fests this week. Dori, Nellie, Becky and I had a ton of fun taking snow pictures in our "Spring is here" t-shirts Becky made for the weekend. How ironic that it would snow 13 inches on the first day of spring--or is it coincidental? Thomas and I used to talk about how people wrongly use the "ironic" term. Now I can't remember how to use it. I hope to get help w/ my computer and have before and after shots of my house on my next post. Stay Tuned!

Things I don't want to forget from this month: Caroline listening to the "God of Wonders" song says, "This song makes me cry. Sometimes people cry when they are happy."


Caroline kissing her daddy's picture.

Baby Thomas ALWAYS smiling. Always.

Baby T lifting his tummy off the ground in the crawl postition! (Not close to crawling yet, 22 lbs is a lot to get moving!)





Bare arms and snow angels. (I laughed so hard I cried about how we look like "Flat Stanlies" in this picture. The snow was so deep, our bodies were even with the top of it!)

Caroline seeing her trampoline for the first time. She is speechless!

Becky and I watching and listening to Caroline on the baby monitor go into Thomas's room to rub his head, kiss him and tell him "I love you" without her knowing.

Cutie Caroline at Sara and Aiden's Gymnastic Joe's Bday party

Caroline, Aly and Thomas at the Walton Arts Center. All the way there Caroline kept saying, "I'm so excited!"

(She's eating fruit snacks provided by Robyn--Thanks, Rob!)

Last, but not least...Becky's birthday dinner with the family tonight. We are so blessed.