5 Years Today. Still Grieving, Still Growing.

It's been five years today on this 5th of January. And as I look outside the snow is blowing and there's about an inch of snow. I have to imagine if it looked like this outside 5 years ago he might still be here today. It's the days that look "normal" outside but below freezing that are the dangerous ones. Just a hint of precipitation on a bridge is all it takes. It's all it took.

Outside my window right now. Beautiful, yet scarred from past storms...

I don't want to sound depressing this morning, but if it makes people think a bit before heading out to drive on those "normal" cold days, then it could save lives.


We've actually had a great week. I never know how or when grief is going to intensify so leading up to days like today makes me a bit nervous. Add the weather to the mix and I'm a bit unpredictable emotionally.

However, if you've read much of anything I write I like to remind myself and anyone who will listen how faithful God is! He provided again this week by allowing an awesome opportunity for our sweet kiddos. A Northwest Arkansas magazine named Peekaboo asked us if we could do an update article (Click for article) on our family since the last one in 2010 and feature Caroline and Thomas on the cover!

Link to Peekaboo Jan Issue

 

 It was so much fun to let 3 Monkeys Children's Boutique dress them in fancy clothes and see how much they enjoyed the experience of going through a photo shoot with Sweet Portrayals. Even on of Mr. Culp's former student's was working and recognized us and it made it all the more special to catch up with her and hear about her soon to be graduating from college with double majors. I love hearing from his former students and I've even had a few become my own students in classes at the University of Arkansas. Another student messaged me yesterday and said her husband works with the Fire Marshall who cut Thomas' seat belt from him and prayed over him at the accident scene. It's hard to relive that, but it also makes me want to tell everyone how powerful prayer is. It may not have the outcome we desire at the moment, but it effects the future and we are a product of those many prayers sent for us. THANK YOU.

 The magazine hit the stands this week and I can tell so many people have been praying again for our family. I've felt so much peace and the messages I've received have been so encouraging and full of love. We can't thank everyone enough for all of the support. There was also an awesome surprise from God inside when I opened the table of contents...My dear partner-in-grief had her update included as well! And look at our smiling pictures! It reminds me of that children's song "God's fingerprints are everywhere, just to show how much He cares..." 

Link to Kimberly's Update

 

 

 

 

We are so excited about the arrival of our baby boy in about 8 weeks or so! I've felt really great except for some lower back pain so I can't complain too much : ). We LOVE feeling him do his gymnastics in my belly each night. The kids faces light up when he says "hi" by kicking them! I definitely had a Christmas miracle when I found out I passed the three hour glucose test!! I failed it with Thomas and had to prick my finger five times a day and count carbs all while intensely grieving...so I had a lot of anxiety about the test and the results. Praise God that I passed this time, but I've also been reminded of how important it is to keep exercising and eating healthy! (A bit hard during the holidays!) I'm measuring a couple of weeks ahead, but had only gained 12 pounds at my last appointment. I'm sure that will change now that Christmas has happened! Speaking of Christmas, we had a wonderful time at home this year and spending tons of time together as a family. Having Tyler as a husband and father has been like Christmas every day of the year. He seriously was meant to be a dad and husband and we are so blessed to share his love.

We are definitely savoring every moment, and as much as humanly possible not taking each other for granted. We will spend today as a family drinking hot chocolate and snuggling under blankets enjoying God's gift of family. Family can take on so many forms and changes over 5 years, but it is a remarkable gift however it may look today. Thank you for being a part of our journey through life and we are anticipating so much increased joy this spring. Spring is coming y'all...

(From "Spring is Coming" post in February 2010)
My new favorite quote came from the same post of Kimberly's I mentioned above. She read it in the Arkansas Children's Hospital newsletter and shared it:
"Courage does not always roar- sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says I think I will try again tomorrow."

It's a....

Profile of Baby Boy King

BOY! We found out several weeks ago...the perks of being "elderly" as a pregnant woman is lots of ultrasounds :) It was very obvious and 100% certain that he is a boy! No, we don't have a name yet, but we are taking suggestions! We tried finding names on the UA Senior Walk on the way to the ugly loss to South Carolina Saturday, but we found the majority are Williams and Johns...and a Buford. William and John are already taken in our family, so I guess for now it's Buford. Or Thomas 2. (Thomas is adamant we name his little brother "Thomas.")

Pumpkin Patch fun--notice Caroline's idea to make a heart over her baby brother. :)

Precious cousins!

 We are about to go to our Level II Ultrasound in about an hour from now. We have no reason to think there will be any problems, but I don't think anyone goes into an ultrasound expecting to hear about problems. God provided a great bible study for us to be working on during this "out of our control" time of our lives and I was reminded in it this morning that He will provide. Period. No matter what the outcome of today...or what tomorrow holds. He will provide.
Wouldn't you think I'd know that already? After all we've been through these past five years? A worst fear realized, and yet, He provided. And continues to do so.
My precious friend Kimberly and I have been known to talk quite a bit about how there isn't a "quota" on suffering this side of heaven. We've had awful, terrible things happen to us, and we know we aren't immune from other hard situations in the future. Anyone that knows me can vouch that I'm mostly a glass half-full person, so it even surprised me when I read in last week's bible study (Psalms of Ascent) something I should have already been focused on. I knew it was worded in the way it was, just for me: God's mercy knows no quota.
That's the flip side! And what a wonderful side it is!  He won't suddenly think I've gotten enough grace, it's endless! Thank the Lord! So whatever comes our way in the future will be covered with His hands. He will heal us again, He will provide again. and again.

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 
 his mercies never come to an end;   
they are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

 ******************************************************************************
Update! The ultrasound went fabulous. God provided our sonographer to be a gentle, godly man who Tyler and I have known his family for years. Such a blessing. We could see our little guy squirming all over the place. (It was also the second time someone told us we will have a busy boy on our hands!) I didn't want to freak anyone out by crying through the whole thing, but that's what I felt like doing. Each time he'd move to another organ to check out, I would be so tense, barely breathing...thinking about a friend's baby I personally knew who had problems with whatever organ we were looking at and imagining how the parents must have feared hearing about the problem. He would tell us it looked good and instead of releasing the tears, I'd gear up for the next area we were looking at and it would start over again...by the end I was exhausted. So thrilled, but wanting to cry, sleep and praise God. I did all three eventually, but not until after Tyler left town with work and I tended to our sweet 4 year old with croup and a fever. Life keeps going, no matter what else is going on in the world...

Sweet kiddos pretending to sleep while C reads to T.

It wasn't until later that I reflected on the reality of those precious parents, my friends, enduring their tough ultrasounds or nightmarish doctor's visits, but instead of picturing them there, I purposely pictured them in their day to day lives as I know them now. Yes, they still have fear and grief to deal with daily, but they are another testament to God's faithfulness. These parents are so much fun, full of joy from the Lord and some of my loudest encouragers! I am blessed by them. 
I have been told from more than a handful of people that they wouldn't have survived what I have been through (losing my husband while pregnant.) It's simply not true, I want everyone to know we can survive anything...it may hurt, a lot, but God's promises are true. We don't just survive, we will thrive! God turns our mourning into dancing in order to encourage others to stay on the path! Y'all we are just a blip on the timeline of humanity. We can do this. It takes God's family and His Word to get us there, but we can. No matter the arrows thrown our way, there is beauty to withhold and joy to be reclaimed.

His big brown eyes melt me. (He sure loves his chocolate milk by the way!)

 I am relishing my children. Caroline and Thomas are such joys in our lives that words really do fail me. It annoys me that I can't seem to capture what I want to about how much I love them and what gifts they are to us. I've noticed for at least for a few months now, every day, I can look at them as they are talking and take myself out of the moment and see them as if I was watching them on video in 15 years, and how I would long to have that exact moment back to re-live again because of how precious they sound and look and act. It's almost too much. So instead I zap myself back in the moment and really take it in. I look them in the eyes as they talk to me, making a memory imprint of how they sound, smell, feel, and act. The moments are all fleeting, the days run into weeks that run into months, before we even have time to turn around it seems. So I'm doing the best I can to savor. To enjoy. To love them.
And then our family will grow to five. More to love, more to do, more to embrace. Thank you God for the blessings of today and tomorrow. Thank you for the promise of a future all together forever. 

New Creation

Can you believe this is our baby three weeks ago?! Amazing.

"Now we look inside, and what we see is that anyone united with the Messiah gets a fresh start, is created new. The old life is gone; a new life burgeons! Look at it!" (2 Corinthians 5:17 MSG)

I wrote this post the day I found out about our sweet #3. I'll post another update soon since it's now 10 weeks later! We are due March 5th, so I'm about 14 weeks along. The outpouring of love and support is overwhelming and precious to us. I do not take any of it for granted. Almost five years ago I wasn't able to announce baby Thomas to the world, so this is super sweet and emotional for me.
Prayers are always appreciated!

Holy Cow. Oh Dear Lord. Are you kidding? Dear Lord.

All of those proclamations were uttered a lot and in differing orders this morning as my doctor delivered the news.

How fitting that this morning during the bible study we are working on (Gideon by Priscilla Shirer) was all about becoming a new creation. How we are not how we used to be now that we've encountered Jesus, so (as she says, and I agree) we shouldn't act or react like we used to...

And not only am I new creation because of my relationship with Jesus, He's blessed us with another creation from His hands. 

Dear Lord.

I've only received the news about two hours ago so please don't judge me. but, DEAR LORD! A third child? A sibling for Caroline and Thomas...Thomas will be a BIG brother?? What!?

I know what you are thinking, and just like I told the receptionist after she congratulated me then quickly asked if I was all right by the shell shocked look on my face...I know how this happens, I've had to kids already, but Oh My Lord!

And yes, Tyler and I prayed, fretted, decided against, prayed some more and finally rested in the decision to let God decide for us...we just didn't think it would be so flipping soon! Oh my.

So here we are. Tyler will get to experience morning (or all day) sickness, exhaustion, irrational crying, food cravings, not to mention what I'm going to go through :)
  
But in all seriousness, we are completely joyful and humbled. For me to know the highs and lows of pregnancy and be able to share that with Tyler and experience it with him is a true gift from God. One we do not deserve, but that God has provided and entrusted for us.
Tyler and I started our own relationship shocked at God's plan and how soon it all seemed, yet how right we knew it was by God's grace. And we've found ourselves again in the same place. Shocked at God's plan and the quick timing, yet we know it's right by God's grace.

We are no strangers to fear, loss, mourning and joy...we are not naive enough to think this next season of our lives won't hold the same experiences, but hallelujah we know that our God provides what we need for today, this moment, and that He will never let us go.

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows." James 1:17 NIV

Summer's Fruit

Half way through an absolutely stunning summer. 

What's special about this summer, you ask?

This one is different.
 

First day of Kindergarten/Last day of Kindergarten

 I've had my first born back in my life all day and night! Although, Tyler and I keep the kids on an early bedtime schedule to keep me sane, and so he and I can have reconnect time (i.e. popcorn and Netflix) "Don't mind the sun, kids, just pull the covers over your heads!"

We have spent our days swimming, visiting friends and family, taking late afternoon naps, watering our blossoming tomato plants and just plain enjoying each others company. It has been marvelous. Seriously, it has been blissful.

I absolutely love how our bible study on Gideon started out with the verses in the bible all dealing with summer and how it relates to where we are in whatever "season" we are in right now in our lives.

“From the fig tree learn its lesson: as soon as its branch becomes tender and puts out its leaves, you know that summer is near." Mark 13:8

"He who gathers in summer is a prudent son, but he who sleeps in harvest is a son who brings shame." Proverbs 10:5

In the past, I am not sure I really allowed myself to enjoy life. Yes, I do think I'm an optimist and I really try to take in moments, savoring them, but it was to the point of squeezing the life out of them!
 I was so worried I wouldn't soak it in "enough" 

I destroyed the actual peaceful, joy of the moment. 
 I also would fret during or soon after that I shouldn't be enjoying something since so-and-so is suffering right now and life's unfair. There is a place for empathy, but not to the detriment of our own lives.

Staci Coston Photography

I'm really taking to heart there are sowing times and reaping times for every single living human. And the sowing and reaping does not happen at the same time for everyone.

I'm soaking in the blissfulness of this reaping season.

It is just as important to God that we grab a hold of our summer fruits He's provided and drink in their flavors. When we do so, we are able to reach out to others from our abundance and have the energy to share and be the hands and feet for Jesus. We will also be full, ready, and rested for our own next season of sowing. 
"For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude; for it is sanctified by means of the word of God and prayer." 1 Tim 4:4-5 (NASB)

"And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God." Ecc 3:13

Much love to you all and I pray you can claim your fruits this summer!   - Bonnie

Created to Create!

I have a terrible memory. Just pitiful. I attribute part of my memory problem to being a mother. Over half of my brain power at all times is being used to ensure my children are breathing, fed and not missing. A fourth of my brain power is diverted to living in intentional joy, not succumbing to the whirlpool of grief. That leaves a measly 25% of brain power to remember appointments, people's names, grocery lists, passwords to the multitude of internet sign on thingies. (See, I can't even remember the word for "log in.")
These percentages are based on full night's rest, mind you. Anything less than nine hours of sleep and all bets are off.

So it wasn't all that surprising to me when I finally buckled down and made myself finish an entire book assigned for our writing course, only to find out I read the WRONG flipping book.
How embarrassing! Unless no one knew I did it, right? Oh no, of course, I posted in our class's Facebook group asking why the author was a lunatic (I didn't use that word, because I assumed I was too uncultured or uneducated to see the point of the rambling book, but I tried to be polite in my question about the purpose of this man's philosophy.) When the teacher asked me what page number my question was in reference to, I began to panic and scrolled back to our syllabus which listed the author's name which I had NOT read. DOH!

Gratefully, she's the kind of teacher that will laugh with me and not at me, but I kept racking* my brain as to why that silly thing happened. Yes, I was in a hurry at our public library and happy to see a book listed on the syllabus that I wouldn't have to buy without checking the author's name...but for heaven's sake the title was the same and it did have to do with how to write...I vaguely remember having Thomas with me pulling books on shelves in the non-kid-friendly section, so I was distracted...remember my brain percentages problem??
So literally the moment I realized my mistake and saw that the book was SUPPOSED to be Madeline L'Engle's "Walking on Water," I ordered it via my phone (which has my stored password for book buying purposes=dangerous.)
I've only read one chapter and I can see myself buying it in bulk and handing copies out to anyone I happen to pass by.
I have never called myself creative. Never. This writing on my blog thing I've been doing for a few years, you ask?
Nope, not creative. Necessary.

Writing is necessary to my survival of grief and life.

 

And then this writing course happened. It's like God dared me to sign up. I feel dared to try and see myself in a new way...yes, maybe even creative. Also, I feel dared to apply myself to an elusive dream I did not know I even had.
Ugh. Apply. That means spending time. Working it out. Actually, putting fingers on the keyboard, not just thinking about it everyday.
Part of me thinks: Ain't nobody got time for that!
Unless, I accept it as a calling to do so. Unless, God is asking me to be obedient and do it. Don't ask why or where it's going. Just obey. I obeyed and signed up for a course that felt out of my league. I feel blessed by it and it's opened new ideas and created new friendships that I could not have imagined.
I've told people for months...or has it been years(!) that I hear Him telling me to obey and to write. So why is it so dang hard to just obey, right away?
In Chapter one, L'Engle likens obedience to the beckoning of creating. We can accept or refuse, however "because we are made in our Creator's image, we are created to create!"
 So here He is again. Whispering the same word I've been hearing for some time now...obey.

Fine. I'll try.

I usually don't ask questions at the end of my blog posts, but in this case I'm curious and I'll try it...how do you (or did you) find the time, energy or courage to obey a calling or desire in your life?

*Wracking or Racking? Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to obey if I didn't spend so much time looking up stuff like this for one blog post!?

Lamenting

So I was on fire to write a couple of weeks ago, I couldn't stop the passion I was feeling or all the themes and topics that was on my heart...but that's where they stayed. On my heart. Not on paper or a screen...well, I tried to capture a few of my musings on the iphone notepad. (That thing is awful! It eats my "notes" whenever if feels the desire and I don't know how to retrieve them...)

Then I spiraled into yuck. I can't keep up with the readings for the writing class, I can't keep up with my passion, I can't keep up with the laundry, etc etc.

During those couple of weeks, I knew that I should fall back on what I've learned through our multitude of bible studies, but instead I wallered in my yucky feelings for a couple of days. Add to that the sneaky grief monster that likes to show up around holidays, special occasions, or when it rains. Or when it's sunny. You get the idea.

So it's time to embrace grace again.

Grace to not have a grammatically perfect blog post. (I know my students who read this blog probably wish they could have a red pen to circle all of my mistakes!) I realize perfectionism is holding me back from even trying to post. Done with that...grace covers it.

Grace to leave the laundry unfolded, yet another day. It's so weird not having my job teaching right now...I can't use it as my excuse for the laundry.

Tyler asked me last night after I lamented at being so flipping tired, "What did you do today?" I didn't know how to answer him.

It sounds all so simplified as a list, I helped out in Caroline's classroom, I sent a few emails, I worked out, I saw my precious sister for lunch, I went grocery shopping, I used sidewalk chalk with Thomas to outline his body, I read jokes to Caroline, I fixed dinner, I gave them baths, I cleaned up the kitchen (sort of ), went to church...and at the end of the day thought about all I did not accomplish that NEEDS my attention.

In between all of those physical motions I fretted over whether we are making the right decisions for our kids, our marriage, whether my God-sized dream of making a difference is stupid, because everyone else is already doing it or doing it way better than I can, why can I not cook meals without preservatives, why do I feel so tired when many of my friends do all that I listed PLUS work a full time job..I could go on and on...

Then I read this:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

I have to remember this not just at Easter, on Sundays or occasionally. I need to remember it every day. Every morning. His grace covers it all. 

I lament awful memories, I lament over being tired or stressed, I lament over feeling happy because someone I know is in misery...and in the middle of lamentations, we are reminded that it doesn't matter what I feel or even think...

BECAUSE of the Lord's great love we are not consumed. 
Not because of anything I do or not do. 

Grace. Praying for the person reading this right now to lower your shoulders, breathe in and out slowly, and just rest in His peace. 

Love to you all.

Why I Blog

I feel God is calling me to do so.
I enjoy words.
I want there to be a record of why I think the way I do and what we did as a family for our children.
To not be annoying. (I'm crazily passionate, and I may explode/implode if I do not let out my words, thoughts, wild notions, somewhere. SO this is the "somewhere.")
To process my thoughts. (See previous statement.)
If someone is curious about how I'm doing, they can check here, and if I'm too annoying they can stop reading and I'll never know.
(Connected to above statement) To be a testimony that joy can return after mourning, but that doesn't mean grieving is ever over and there are still times when I'm not sure how to go on. (One step at a time...)
On the chance I might someday/somehow encourage, inspire, grieve with, enjoy life with, or just connect in any way with a reader. 

(This is a post in progress...)