Spring Is Coming

How I love him. And miss him.

Kimberly wrote on her caringbridge about how this weather is hard for her as well. She quoted Steven Curtis Chapman's song from the album, Beauty Will Rise, which I referenced in my last post...
"My heart's heavy now, but I'm not letting go of this hope that I have, that tells me spring is coming...and all we've been hoping, longing for, soon will appear... spring is coming, spring is coming... it won't be long now, it's just about here."

I had remembered Thomas had taken a picture of a beautiful flower one spring that would be perfect for this post, but I happened to stumble across some pictures I had never seen. I thought this past summer I had meticulously gone through every digital picture and file on our computer to save/print everything having to do with Thomas, but somehow this random folder of pictures was missed by me! It is such a gift to see these. I selected my favorite one to use.

It makes a huge knot in my stomach, seeing us together in this picture, not a care in the world, enjoying the weather in our front yard of our dream house we moved into only the month before with our beautiful 14 month old (at the time) daughter.

Watching the weather forecast tonight I see another winter storm predicted for Monday. This is the winter that will never end. I know I am being a little dramatic. It is just that I was in such a state of shock all last year that I did not really "experience" the seasons. This year I am more aware maybe? I don't know--I just know this snow and ice has got to let up eventually. As I mentioned in the post before the last ice storm, I packed up my children and went to Robyn and Donny's. I am so blessed to have them. The girls played so well together and Thomas was perfect (except at night, and at least he didn't bother anyone but me!)
I hate the feelings I have when I think about how if Thomas were here someone could stay with our baby boy inside while the other would play with our daughter in the snow. Such a simple thing, yet we can't do it.
I so appreciate that Donny took the time and energy to build a snowman with Aly and Caroline. It is the little things that mean the most to me.
Although I knew it was the right decision, it was hard being away from home. This was also the year anniversary of last year's ice storm when we were the wandering nomads looking for electricity. It was just a few weeks after the accident and in my first trimester of pregnancy, which is not very much fun even under normal circumstances, so I think it was hard because I felt as if I was reliving last January.
As soon as I start to feel like I can do more on my own, I get knocked back to reality that I can't do it all. I knew I could not, for emotional reasons, be snowed in with my sweet kiddos last week without outside contact. (I keep trying to find a way to reference the book and movie The Shining in this post and how Jack Nicholson's character goes crazy while being snowed in, but I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea about my mental stability so I will have to let it go.)
This upcoming snow storm, so they say, should not be as bad, we will see.

My new favorite quote came from the same post of Kimberly's I mentioned above. She read it in the Arkansas Children's Hospital newsletter and shared it:

"Courage does not always roar- sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says I think I will try again tomorrow."

I think I will.