Friday, February 5, 2010

Spring Is Coming

How I love him. And miss him.

Kimberly wrote on her caringbridge about how this weather is hard for her as well. She quoted Steven Curtis Chapman's song from the album, Beauty Will Rise, which I referenced in my last post...
"My heart's heavy now, but I'm not letting go of this hope that I have, that tells me spring is coming...and all we've been hoping, longing for, soon will appear... spring is coming, spring is coming... it won't be long now, it's just about here."

I had remembered Thomas had taken a picture of a beautiful flower one spring that would be perfect for this post, but I happened to stumble across some pictures I had never seen. I thought this past summer I had meticulously gone through every digital picture and file on our computer to save/print everything having to do with Thomas, but somehow this random folder of pictures was missed by me! It is such a gift to see these. I selected my favorite one to use.
It makes a huge knot in my stomach, seeing us together in this picture, not a care in the world, enjoying the weather in our front yard of our dream house we moved into only the month before with our beautiful 14 month old (at the time) daughter.

Watching the weather forecast tonight I see another winter storm predicted for Monday. This is the winter that will never end. I know I am being a little dramatic. It is just that I was in such a state of shock all last year that I did not really "experience" the seasons. This year I am more aware maybe? I don't know--I just know this snow and ice has got to let up eventually. As I mentioned in the post before the last ice storm, I packed up my children and went to Robyn and Donny's. I am so blessed to have them. The girls played so well together and Thomas was perfect (except at night, and at least he didn't bother anyone but me!)
I hate the feelings I have when I think about how if Thomas were here someone could stay with our baby boy inside while the other would play with our daughter in the snow. Such a simple thing, yet we can't do it.
I so appreciate that Donny took the time and energy to build a snowman with Aly and Caroline. It is the little things that mean the most to me.
Although I knew it was the right decision, it was hard being away from home. This was also the year anniversary of last year's ice storm when we were the wandering nomads looking for electricity. It was just a few weeks after the accident and in my first trimester of pregnancy, which is not very much fun even under normal circumstances, so I think it was hard because I felt as if I was reliving last January.
As soon as I start to feel like I can do more on my own, I get knocked back to reality that I can't do it all. I knew I could not, for emotional reasons, be snowed in with my sweet kiddos last week without outside contact. (I keep trying to find a way to reference the book and movie The Shining in this post and how Jack Nicholson's character goes crazy while being snowed in, but I don't want anyone getting the wrong idea about my mental stability so I will have to let it go.)
This upcoming snow storm, so they say, should not be as bad, we will see.

My new favorite quote came from the same post of Kimberly's I mentioned above. She read it in the Arkansas Children's Hospital newsletter and shared it:

"Courage does not always roar- sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says I think I will try again tomorrow.

I think I will.


  1. Bonnie,
    My friend and school librarian is Jacqueline Vergason. I have kept up with you and your family through her. Just wanted you to know that you have been in our prayers all year and will continue to be so. My husband and I were in Fayetteville visiting our daughter and her family at the time of this storm. It was awful. It took us three hours to get to Alma, but we were safe. I just know that God does have marvelous plans for you and your children and that Thomas watches over you all of the time.

    I stopped by to invite you to link up to our Arkansas Bloggers group. It's new and rather non-defined. If you are interested, stop by my blog and check out the link.

    Your children are precious and so is your testimony. Just know that in the midst of your trials, others are praying earnestly for your strength and faithful endurance.

  2. I love that picture...such a beautiful family. Spring is coming. It IS. So is hope and strength and His neverending comfort. It is coming. If it helps at all, this has been like the longest winter ever to me too. You really didn't miss the winter experience last year. Other than the ice storm, we did not have these constant threats of snow. Pretty the first couple of times, but now it is getting old. I am ready for spring too. I am so glad you had friends to stay with; I wish I could be more of a friend to you in that way but I am glad that you have so many people ready and willing to step in when you need it! As for next week, I am praying really hard against the snow. :) Love you...lots of hugs!

  3. God and you can do it! One winter at a time. Just know that 6 hours earlier in the day someone is praying for you. Denise

  4. I love the picture and I love this post! You are amazing, regardless of how I know you feel sometimes! Your sweet babies are so lucky to have such a wonderful mommy and I love the last quote and you saying that you think you will. Awesome!! Praying for peace and comfort...and for this stinking winter to just end already! You're not the only one tired of it!!

  5. I completely understand about not noticing the seasons this past year. The warmth was gone from the sun for the year, particularly since Thomas seemed to bring about that sunshine to our lives. It seems we are steadily coming into our own spring "thaw" and starting to notice things around us again. And sometimes it is simply that attempt to try and find some warmth or sunshine in the little things around us that can keep us going each day.
    We will keep on trying with you each day Bonnie! Love you!
    Laura Culp Elliott

  6. i have nothing profound to say other than i love you sweet friend!!!!!! as always, another amazing post and a glimpse into your amazing heart.

  7. Bonnie,
    Thanks so much for the beautiful song! I think of you often and pray for you and your precious kiddos! Here for you always-


  8. I read often and rarely post. I think YOU CAN and YOU WILL! through your post I can see your strength and your faith. Stay Strong Bonnie, for you, and your beautiful kids.

  9. Hi Bonnie,
    Last night I stayed up late reading... reading your words... from 2006-2008. Then I woke up early and went back... to your words... from 2008-2010...
    There are so many things that I want to talk to you about... Nope, not the things that I'd imagine that 99.99% of your readers would want to talk about... (Don't get me wrong... yes, I've laughed and sobbed through your words just like your friends, family, and other followers.)
    Your writing... my, my, my... What an honor to watch the evolution of your writing voice, your skill level, your style! It's like a class in developing "real-ness" in writing. THAT is what we'll talk about next time I happen to see you in the hall. :)
    ... And we'll both fight for that extra space after the period when typing (from a post a long, long time ago). ha ha ha
    But the reason I stopped here to respond it that quote...
    "Courage does not always roar- sometimes it is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says I think I will try again tomorrow."
    Wow... This stops me... This will become part of my little book of life changing quotes.
    And, now... on to 2011-2014...

    1. Helen, oh my thank you so much for your words of encouragement. My goodness you don't know how much it means to have you say that you see the way my writing has evolved. I've thought about talking to you about writing a few years ago but I'm not sure I was ready to admit how much I love writing and then I'll be subject to criticism...if that makes sense : ) thanks for reading!

  10. Well, Bonnie, you are... you are subjected to criticism when you put your words (your heart) out there for people to read... I'm guessing that so far you've received positive, positive, and positive... But the more you change and grow as a writer, the more you put out there, the more chances you take with your public words... that day will come... You'll get the comments that hurt... but don't stop... you mustn't stop using this gift that not everyone has, the gift to put letters into words and words into phrases into sentences that make a difference. Do you know Barbara Kingsolver's writing? or Anne Lamont's? I think it was one or both of them (maybe in combination with that amazing writer guru Helen Eaton that said, "Write... write as if no one will ever read it." There will be a time to go back and take another look, but get it down..." It's an amazing thing that organization of thought that happens between brain and finger then pencil or keyboard. I think that for most, reading the written word can be therapeutic... but for a few... a very lucky few... the act of writing brings its own reward.