Life is Beautiful...and hard.

"Isn't it beautiful?" says Caroline as she looks at the Ozark mountains out her window as we roll down the interstate.

Caroline is 5 years old. How did this happen?! And to add to my shock of leaving preschool times behind I tried to add her Lilypie age ticker to the top of the webpage and they don't even make them for kids over the age of 4! Wow. She is growing up.

Every word I type I am dutifully, carefully choosing. I am hyper-aware that dear Hannah's life on Earth ended at age 4 as her heavenly life began.

The end of January continued to be as trying as the beginning. The month ended with my 33 birthday and Tyler's 90 year old grandmother passing away. To attend the funeral we drove down to another world, yes...south Arkansas. All joking aside, I didn't realize how pretty and peaceful it is there. Thomas' mom is from the same area as Tyler's grandmother so it was a very reflective time for all of us as I laid eyes on the place where these remarkable women spent considerable time. Listening to the eulogies from Tyler's family it all struck home, yet again, how no matter how old you are when it's your time to go, your life is guaranteed full of trials and joys. MaHolly, as the family called her, became a widow at the age of 37 with 6 children to raise. Talk about difficult times. Her children grew up to have her strength and also face trials and joys of their own. Two of her own children went on to heaven before she did. One of those being Tyler's mother.
The day of MaHolly's visitation also coincided with Caroline's 5th birthday. After what our family has been through, birthdays and holidays hold much more weight than they did before 2009. So having these two events on the same day was...interesting. I feel I know Tyler even better now that I've seen the house he and his siblings played in when visiting their grandmother and also by meeting extended family, hearing many stories that had not been retold in quite a while. Then 2 weeks later was Hannah's 7th birthday, she spent it in heaven.

Caroline with the blocks her grandpa and daddy made her for her 1st birthday. Such a blessing for her to have the only birthday gift her dad got to give her, and they were made with his own hands.

 I've grown to not dread birthdays as I did the previous years now that this is the fourth birthday of Caroline's that her daddy Thomas has celebrated in heaven, but they are significant. And they should be! Every year, every day is a gift and it should be celebrated.

C and Aly

Caroline's work from bible class: Jesus saves WHEN we doubt. Because we all do doubt. Just like Peter.

My mom told me she read this in an article Sarah Palin wrote about Trig, her son with down syndrome, "Trig is almost 4 years old now, and every morning when he wakes up, he pulls himself up, rubs the sleep out of his eyes, looks around, and then starts applauding! He welcomes each day with thunderous applause and laughter. He looks around at creation and claps as if to say, “OK, world, what do you have for me today?”
I want to be more like that. It seems the last few weeks instead of waking up welcoming each day, I wonder what trial it will hold. This isn't how I'm supposed to live life to the fullest as Thomas' life motto was. I'm well aware of it and I have every confidence that I will bounce back with a vengeance and persevere, but it takes vigilance. Vigilantly reading the bible, vigilantly praying and vigilantly giving God the worries or doubt that creeps in. The paradox is that it sounds like a lot of work, but in all actuality it causes me to be FREE. He takes on my burdens and His yoke is light.
 I just wish I could be like this 100% of the time, but alas, we weren't meant to be perfect here and I am for sure not. He uses our imperfections to teach us, to draw us closer to Him because He wants to have a relationship with us, not be a magician for us.

An electrifying day. Unicorn is always in tow with Caroline.

God knows me better than I know myself (so many times when I type something like that, I feel like I hear all of you and myself saying "Duh! We know!" but I have to keep reminding myself.)
He knew as my ladies church group AND Thursday night bible study girls began our new study of the book of James that He would be teaching me that I have big areas to gain wisdom in.


 He KNEW I couldn't handle learning all I am suppose to in one horrible month, He knew that it takes each of us a lifetime to learn lessons, He's slowly revealing them to us in a way that He knows will make us more powerful for Him. He will not break us past the point where we won't fulfill our purposes. He's got us in His hands the whole time, whether it feels like it or not. Feelings are deceiving, His promises are not.

As I had tears streaming down my face in the car, even before hearing Caroline remark on how beautiful our surroundings are, I realized right then why for over a month she has been singing over and over and over a certain song. She asks me to sing it multiple times a day, she asks me to play it on my iPhone and in the car. She sings it herself. "You are my strength when I am weak, You are the treasure that I seek, You are my all in all."



(Caroline singing "All in All" a week ago, while Thomas knocks over a lamp as accompaniment.)

Hello, Bonnie. This is God. I've been telling you every day multiple times a day through my amazing, sweet, sensitive, daughter of God, Caroline that: "You are not strong, I am strong and that's all that you need. I am your all in all. Quit trying to be strong and when you are weak--which you are,all the time--I am YOUR STRENGTH.Quit giving yourself credit for being strong, It's me and I will never cease to be your strength." (Since we have a close relationship, He can tell me harsh things and I know it's for my own good :-) )

Daddy Thomas at age 5

 

Caroline age 5

I have such a thick skull. Thank you, God for opening my ears. I've been praying to see you for about a month (and you have shown yourself in many ways), but I haven't been praying to hear you. I get it now.


 Yes, Caroline, yes it is beautiful. Life is beautiful. Even when circumstances are not. Even when we feel down or beat up by life, the reality is Life is Beautiful because God gave it all breath. He knew the trials we would face and He planned a life preserver for us in Jesus Christ. Thank you, God! Tomorrow morning I may wake up and clap for having another day here to spend with family and friends.

James 1:2-8
² Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. ⁵ If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. ⁶ But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. ⁷ That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. ⁸ Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. 

Joy: Mimi, C, and Poppy

P.S. It took me a month to memorize these verses, maybe now that I've blogged about them I can memorize the next 8 this month!

Joy.

Joy. (Thomas and cousin Tate)

Three Years

How can it have been three years since that terrible day?
Becky and I have talked lately about how our minds(sin?) try to take us back to re-living the entire nightmarish day. I didn't realize other people go through that struggle as well (it's not something anyone wants to really talk about, you know?) I cannot see any good at all in walking through those memories so we both have found it very effective to just say "Stop!" (out loud if need be) and start praying and reciting scripture. Maybe no one else has this problem, but I thought I'd let others who do know what works for us. It re-focuses me, I can break free from that day and move on to the happy memories or being grateful for where we are now.

Reflecting on the last three years, I cannot believe all that has happened. I joke (although it is all too true) that according to the life stress test we take in Intro to Psychology, I should be in a mental hospital or worse...but somehow I have managed to make it. And not just make it, but thrive. Thanks be to God from whom all blessings flow.

Tyler and I have been organizing our house which feels so great and yet, the timing is a little off with the high emotions of this week and stumbling onto tons of old pictures and memorabilia.
Then as I think about it, I don't think the timing is off at all. I'm tired of waving things off as coincidence when of course God is in control and knows what I need at all times. (Why is this so hard to remember?!)
He decided to give me several gifts this week of times when He was transparent; such a rare gift it seems: As I was flipping through pictures of high school trips with Thomas, early college years and then our wedding pics, right when I thought I'd slip into the pit of despair, the next picture was of Hannah Grace at one year old. How in the world did that picture end up in that pile of pictures I will never know this side of heaven, but I don't have to know how. I know why. God was yelling at me "Bonnie--Don't go to that sadness pit, they (thomas and hannah) are fine! You and all that are still living are the ones dealing with the pain! Not them. EVERYONE will suffer loss of a loved one, Be still child and know that I am GOD, I am with you!"
I immediately felt a peace that shoved out the darkness which was threatening to overtake me. Thank you God for this miracle moment.

It's the way He works, through moments big and small. Thank you, God, that I can recognize you in ways I never did before we began our REAL relationship 12 years ago.

I read on Tara Newby's blog recently that 10 out of 10 people die. It's a fact. (She didn't cite her sources, but I find them to be true...) Why do some die too early or in certain ways, we don't understand, but as I said before, we don't need to understand. I'm trusting the bible and it says that God knows, and we just need to grieve like we have hope.
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope." 1 Thessalonians 4:13

As God continues to answer your prayers this week, I just had another miracle moment of my own. I found in another box of keepsakes, the bible that was given to Thomas from our Razorbacks for Christ campus minister when he graduated from college. In that so familiar, Thomas scrawl handwriting, I found a card he had left in his bible

 Thomas wrote "1 Thess 4:1 How to live your life Sept 8 2002"
The verse God brought to my mind today (see above) was from the same chapter as the verse Thomas referred to on this card. Awesomeness.

 Looking it up, 4:1 reads (this is the Message version, it sounds like Thomas):
"One final word, friends. We ask you—urge is more like it—that you keep on doing what we told you to do to please God, not in a dogged religious plod, but in a living, spirited dance. You know the guidelines we laid out for you from the Master Jesus. God wants you to live a pure life."

Here's the link to the whole section which speaks to me in so many ways tonight. 

As I think about what I've learned in my bible studies this past year, God is telling me to listen (read His words,) believe, and LIVE!

Proverbs 4:20-22 (msg)
"Dear friend, listen well to my words;
   tune your ears to my voice.
Keep my message in plain view at all times.
   Concentrate! Learn it by heart!
Those who discover these words live, really live;
   body and soul, they're bursting with health."

I want to live, really live--so all of you help me stay accountable to concentrating on God's word.
Happy 2012--make it count!
Love, Bonnie

(a BIG) PS: (it wouldn't be a post from me with several parentheses and a "PS" at the end, would it?)
I debated on whether or not to post this picture again, and then the answer was given to me.
As "mom of the year 2012", I let Thomas play with my iphone. As I was going through pictures to post on this blog, I came across one I strangely hadn't noticed. Thomas had taken pictures of himself at some point this week! I'll let you see why I decided to post them (both are completely unedited.)

Link to original post about this awesome pic

So Thankful

  Caroline and Thomas had their Thanksgiving program and "feast" today at their awesome Mother's Day Out at our church. Their directors and teachers are simply wonderful and so loving.

Mollie and Thomas enjoying their class feast!

After the exciting singing program (where Thomas decided to yell out to me "mama! mama!" during "You are My Sunshine"), we followed the kids back to their rooms where I found Caroline with her place mat ready to go at her table.

The holidays are a glorious, yet difficult time for most people. We miss our loved ones who are not here to make special (or mundane!) memories with us, but it makes me feel very blessed to have a sweet daughter this Thanksgiving who is thankful for God and her family...(and her make-believe dog apparently--see photo-- but hey, she's 4 years old after all!)
Those sweet little hands outlined with paint that grow too quickly, the same hands that she folds so obediently during prayers and always remembers both her daddies.

Thank you, God, for my family and friends. Anything else you give me is just gravy.

County Fair 2011!

This is my first post using my phone, if this works it will be life altering for me.

And, yes, I have just realized in the last few weeks that I like to use dramatic words and gestures. Honestly, though, it will be life altering! It took me forever to email myself pictures and upload them onto blogger. I hope to blog way more often with the mobile option.

When did I realize my dramatics? Thomas has been mocking the way I yell "NO WAY!!!" when someone tells me exciting news. He yells it back to me and says it over and over.

We learn a lot about ourselves through our children, don't we?! (I do not feel that I exaggerate at all, however. I truly get that excited/emotional. My long time friends know to back away when they tell me big news so I don't push them over with my hands, like Elaine from Seinfeld. I do not dance like Elaine, just for the record.)

Here's Aly and Caroline calling the Hogs in front of a hog! We love our Arkansas Razorbacks! Woo Pig Sooie!

Thomas loved running from one animal to another yelling, "Gook!!" (Look!)

Caroline milking a fake cow. 

Ps the format didn't work well with the mobile upload. So  I had to edit it online. Dang.

Choo Choo! Thomas is 2!

  Yes, it's that time again! It's been two months since my last post, so it's time to play catch up! I'm even using the trick one of my Tara's taught me to change the date on the post, so in 20 years when we are reading the blog book, the order of events MIGHT make sense.

Honestly, just thinking about all the blog posts that should have been written in the last two months makes me have heart palpitations. (Because of the anxiety, not the excitment...) I am not sure why I get this way, but when I haven't blogged in a while, I start to get anxious and crazy. I can't even read other people's blogs: A. I have zero time for it. B. If I accidentally see a blog update from someone it reminds me of how behind I am and it takes a while for me to calm back down.

Ridiculous, I know. But that's how it is for me! :-)

I have so much to say about what has been happening with our family these last two months! In a nutshell, we have been enjoying becoming a family and praising God for what has been happening in our lives.

Now that everyone is caught up with us...ha! I'm going to try and put short blog posts of how we are living each moment to the fullest and appreciating little and big things in life.
That being said: THOMAS IS 2!!!!! How did this happen!? My baby boy is growing up so fast.

We had a joint party with our fellow turning 2 friend, Mollie, at Boingo Bounce! It's always a hit when the kids love it and the parents love the long naps the kids take when they get home.

We had a Thomas the Train and Minnie Mouse themed party. I'll let you guess which theme went with which 2 year old.

Some things I don't want to forget:

• He says "Gook!" for "look"
• He wakes up happy and singing to himself waiting for me to get him out of bed. When I open the door he usually says "Hi, mama!" or he hides himself to let me try to find him (in his 3 foot long crib)
• He doesn't sleep with a paci anymore, but has to have his lovey with the tags (thanks, Ro-ro), his "baby" (Grandma Tracy gave him a "fur real" pet bear that pretends to sleep and makes noises---yes, I let him have it although it makes loud snoring noises. It's just too cute that he asks for his "baby" each night,) and his big, soft, red Razorback blanket (thanks, mimi.)
• He loves juice. He will grab my pant leg and drag me into the kitchen and point at the refrigerator saying "juice, peas!" (no, he isn't a veggie lover. It's his "please.") Once he realizes I am going to get it for him he does a little dance where he shuffles his feet really fast and laughs.
• He will pray with his hands folded and eyes shut so tight that they look really wrinkly. He ends with "AHMEN" (This is not 100% consistent, but he's on his way!)
• He loves his sister and follows her EVERYWHERE.
• He gives the sweetest, barely there whisper of a kiss on your cheek if you ask (and if you are really lucky, even when you don't ask!)
• He does get mad. (yes, he's not a perfect angel, he's 2.) He will yell "NO!" and point at me like he's getting on to me. He hit me in the lip today with a toy (not really on purpose, but not really by accident...) and when he saw how hurt I acted, he got very concerned and came close to pat my hand. So we are learning about cause and effect.
• He tries to read. Whenever he sees letters he says "E, O, A, O, E" over and over. I love it.
• He has good balance, but has had a couple of falls that took a few years off of my life. (Once at a tennis match from the bleachers, and once at a playground.)

And next to turning 2 August 17, the biggest event in September:

• the worst visible "scar" came from one of his closest friends...Percy.

 I am one of those parents that reads all of the labels and warnings on toys. #1 I want to be sure we aren't missing out on some feature that isn't apparent. (For instance, we played with the Chuck the Dump Truck for two weeks before realizing it was on "demo" what a nice surprise it was that it could say 20 different things instead of "I'm Chuck" over and over..and over again.)
So back to Percy.
This train is one of those cool, motorized trains with an on/off switch. It explicitly states to be wary of hair close to the wheels. I knew Caroline should be careful, but didn't imagine Thomas could be in danger!
I didn't realize he had it with him in the car until he was screaming loudly and I turned around (a little annoyed, admittedly. "Mom of the Year 2011") and saw that it was caught running on top of his head!!!
I ran around the car and by the time I tried to turn it off, Thomas pulled straight up, hard. And tons of beautiful, blonde hair came up, too. I was sure I would see blood on his head. Nope, just a bald spot.

We are doing our best to keep a "comb over" in place, but Thomas found a solution one evening. I found him in his room like this:

Most people say they can't tell, but if the wind blows just right--it is there. I hope it grows back in, but if not, it will be one of those funny stories he will tell as he gets bigger, and he will be able to part his hair and show it off. :-)

I love you, sweet Thomas. You are a blessing from heaven and a God send in so many ways for so many people. I look forward to your year of being "2" and all it has in store. Love, Mommy

Amazing Love

Amazing love,
How can it be
That You, my King, should die for me?
Amazing love,
I know it’s true.
It’s my joy to honor You,
In all I do, I honor You.

I start with those lyrics from "Amazing Love" because it's the only way to start a blog post like this one: by praising God!

As I type this I am overcome with emotions, happiness, sadness, joy, grief...(how many posts have I written that include a sentence like this, but I can only write what I am feeling, so all of that and more is on my heart today!) I'm happy and joyful about all God is doing in our lives. I'm also sad and full of grief for our broken world (for our own loss of Thomas, Kimberly's family as the second year of Hannah's heavenly birthday approaches, the Keylor/Hillian family as cancer took their mom and wife last month, and another local family loses their 18 year old daughter in a car accident this week) --it isn't supposed to be this way, but PRAISE TO GOD there is a plan in place to not only get through the hard times that come our way, but to rise above them and find joy here on Earth as we wait to reach our heavenly, forever home!

One of the best blessings and part of God's plan is RELATIONSHIPS! Most of us have realized this as we've seen trials and relied on each other to pray and support each other. I know first hand how important it was/is for me to have a relationship with God, my church and, of course my family and friends. Everyone rallied around myself and sweet little babies. And did we ever feel God's arms wrapped around us!

On August 5th, 2011 Tyler and I said our vows on Seagrove Beach, Florida in front of family and friends. The wedding exceeded our expectations for the love felt by those who joined us in Florida, the weather(!), and the peaceful, fun, full of God, atmosphere that surrounded us.

So many of you prayed constantly for my family over the years, I had no idea about the power of prayer until I felt it for myself especially in 2009.  Our Thursday night bible study group has been studying Prayer. We have learned not to feel the need to articulate perfectly our plan or expected outcome, but to pray with confidence! Prayer releases God's power so He can/will work in our lives.
So without further ado, praying friends,...here's the fruit of your prayers in picture form (Thank you for capturing them in pictures, Staci Coston!)

 

Your prayers allowed the power of God to transform me into a new person. A person who only wants to seek Jesus and tell others about Him...and while I still grieve today for a life and love lost, the prayers sent heavenward allowed God to work in a way I didn't even see coming for myself and children; it allowed a new family to form, not forgetting the past, but embracing it. Tyler and I are grateful that God has blessed us in becoming a family and we are committed to praising God through the trials and good times in the years to come.
I am praying thanks for all of you.

Wedding Week!

 Whew! What a fun, busy time getting ready for a beach trip with my sweet kiddos AND a wedding! We are finally here on the (not so anymore) "forgotten coast" in Florida enjoying God's amazing creation with my immediate family and as the days go by more of my family and friends are arriving for our big day at the end of this week. I can feel God showering us with blessings and it increases each day as the Day approaches. I didn't know if I would be a mixture of emotions: cheerful, sad, bittersweet, excited, etc, but I am truly just plain old happy.

Seeing the kids play in the sand after dark just as we arrived and hearing Caroline yelling "This is the best night EVER!" over and over, to Thomas yelling "GOOK, GOOK!" ("look") at planes and seagulls flying over our heads today, and seeing Jett and Thomas bonding (and fighting, especially over their "choo-choos") as close cousins do...oh, and the water is so beautiful. A lady walking on the beach stopped just to tell me that she was here a few months ago and it was so dark from seaweed and she was amazed at the water. She ended by saying "it's such a blessing." It was like God saying, "Here you go, another blessing."

 When I think back to how God had told Becky this was going to happen for Tyler and I, even before I even barely knew who Tyler was, amazes me. I am asking for prayers from everyone this week as many of my family and friends are traveling and also that we would have a wedding that is glorifying to God.

 Our ladies bible study has been studying prayer this summer and I've known first hand prayer works, but I'm starting to understand a little about how it works, and how powerful and necessary it is. I pray with a new intensity and fervor that deepens my relationship with God and it also let's me be at peace in a way that eluded me for some time.

 I have learned that nothing turns out the way we think it will, or how we think it should, be it life or a vacation with toddlers. I am learning to not only accept what is happening and live in the moment, but to find joy in it. Even if it isn't how I planned on it happening.

Family, friends and blog readers I've never even met, thank you for traveling this road with me and please take a moment to realize your prayers have worked in ways that exceeded my expectations. As I write about all the good things happening right now, I am aware several of my friends are going through difficult times in their lives and I am praying for them as they have prayed for me. I have such hope now for people going through hard times, since I'm living proof that God can create beauty from ashes.

I am not naiive and I know there is no quota to sadness or grief one can experience in life, but I have learned to relish the good times and accept the blessings whole heartedly. I am happy today and I know that God is the same God of yesterday, today and tomorrow, no matter what it holds.