A dear friend of mine remarked it must be difficult to write
and publish a post every day as I have been since October 1st. At
the time she said this I thought how it has actually been relatively easy
(except for the getting up early part.) I believe it has been easy because I am
learning so much about myself through these awful trials these past few years
and since it is definitely in my nature to share with others what I learn, I
just needed “permission” to write every single day.
Today is the first day it has been difficult. The
over-analyzer that I am wants to know why today is different. I think it is
because this is the waiting part of a trial that can be exhausting. I am not
used to writing (i.e. being vulnerable) during this part of the process. This
is the part where I am trying to practice what I preach. I learned a couple of
years ago that I am a perfectionist. No, not in areas that are necessary
visible. At one point I thought perfectionism meant a completely clean house or
my hair being always in place (curly hair definitely has a mind of its own!)
And those things are not bad in of themselves, but for me it was reason to say
“I’m not a perfectionist” since those things did not bother me. Then l I
learned that my perfectionism was inward. I strive to perfect my faith and
also in not letting other people down. How exhausting.
Two books have helped me recognize those areas that needed
releasing to God: Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman and Love Idol byJennifer Dukes Lee. I highly recommend
these books to anyone wondering if His grace actually reaches you.
Thanks for bearing with me today as I used writing this post
to remember that yes, indeed His grace reaches me and I can release the burden
of being perfect for anyone reading this series of posts. This is the hard
sowing work of waiting amidst a trial. Today the sowing will be resting in His
grace. This for me means continually praying and remembering He is in complete
control, not me. I am learning to give up my illusion of control. It is a
painful, yet freeing process…once my heart catches up to my head.
“But
he said to me, “My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all
the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2
Cor 12:9
Yes, yes, yes, Bonnie.
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