A dear friend of mine remarked it must be difficult to write and publish a post every day as I have been since October 1st. At the time she said this I thought how it has actually been relatively easy (except for the getting up early part.) I believe it has been easy because I am learning so much about myself through these awful trials these past few years and since it is definitely in my nature to share with others what I learn, I just needed “permission” to write every single day.
Today is the first day it has been difficult. The over-analyzer that I am wants to know why today is different. I think it is because this is the waiting part of a trial that can be exhausting. I am not used to writing (i.e. being vulnerable) during this part of the process. This is the part where I am trying to practice what I preach. I learned a couple of years ago that I am a perfectionist. No, not in areas that are necessary visible. At one point I thought perfectionism meant a completely clean house or my hair being always in place (curly hair definitely has a mind of its own!) And those things are not bad in of themselves, but for me it was reason to say “I’m not a perfectionist” since those things did not bother me. Then l I learned that my perfectionism was inward. I strive to perfect my faith and also in not letting other people down. How exhausting.
Two books have helped me recognize those areas that needed releasing to God: Grace for the Good Girl by Emily Freeman and Love Idol byJennifer Dukes Lee. I highly recommend these books to anyone wondering if His grace actually reaches you.
Thanks for bearing with me today as I used writing this post to remember that yes, indeed His grace reaches me and I can release the burden of being perfect for anyone reading this series of posts. This is the hard sowing work of waiting amidst a trial. Today the sowing will be resting in His grace. This for me means continually praying and remembering He is in complete control, not me. I am learning to give up my illusion of control. It is a painful, yet freeing process…once my heart catches up to my head.
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Cor 12:9