Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Two Years

  So many emotions. Sadness of course. Amazement at how fast time goes by. Pride in how sweet and smart Caroline and Thomas are turning out (in spite of everything?...). Happiness at what the future looks like. Guilt (yes, it's still there at times) that I have more happy moments than sad now days. Awe of God's healing hand and love for His sons and His daughters.
  We just returned from a week in Tulum, Mexico with the entire Culp family. There will be a post about it relatively soon, but right now I'm going through the adjustment of coming home to my new normal (and it isn't so "new" anymore) and deciding whether to be happy or sad each minute today and tomorrow since the two year mark is tomorrow...well I guess, actually, I have to decide every day I wake up if I will make the most of the day or have a pity party, no matter what the calendar says the date is.
 Caroline is so in tuned to my emotions (or maybe it stems from inside her??) I, of course, hadn't mentioned the "anniversary" being tomorrow, but out of the blue this morning she said, "I miss Daddy. I miss him so much."
 I think also being with the the extended Culp family this past week probably reminded her in her subconscious of Christmas 2 years ago when we were all together. It feels like we were with him this past week in a way. His family is what shaped him, at least the first 18 or so years. I am grateful she misses him and has memories, but I wish a three (almost 4!) year old would never have to take on such strong emotions. I'll be praying about that.
  For Christmas this year I had the first year of my blog printed at blog2print. (thanks, "Texas" Tara, for the idea!) I hadn't re-read my blog before, but flipping through the book I found this post I had written exactly a year before the accident. I remembered this picture of course, and it has been used in different ways since then, but I hadn't re-read the post. I also find it strange that I wrote the post about God. I really hadn't used my blog in any "deep" way before. It was usually just the daily happenings of Caroline. I believe God wanted me to read this now and see how I felt before about Him. I have changed tremendously in the last two years, yet my faith in God and His love hasn't changed.

Here's a Link to orginal post. (But I copied and pasted the post below for convenience sake!)
 This picture was taken in January 2008. Practically to the week one year before the accident.

I really try to listen and give the benefit of a doubt to someone who has an idea that differs than my own. But I really thought I had an argument won with Thomas. I was SO sure!
I can admit when I am wrong, for instance, years ago I really thought that meteorologists were talking about "wind shield factors" instead of wind chill factors. You may laugh at my stupidity, but all of you have had something like that happen to you.
This time I was right...Thomas was watching me type and he said, "wait, you put two spaces after that period." I immediately looked at him like he was completely crazy and said, "of course! That's common knowledge! You've got to be kidding me! You didn't know there are supposed to be two spaces after a period??" ...I'm sure you can see where this is going.
I pride myself on being able to type fast without mistakes and to think, he was questioning my skills! Just to show him how right I was, I "googled" the question and lo and behold, I found out that the two-space rule applied to typewriters and not to word processors and computers. I couldn't believe it. I learned how to type on a typewriter, so I am out of date now. I've tried to leave one space and I just can't do it!
So the moral of this story...
Immediately after having my ego deflated, I thought, "I can't be sure of anything anymore!" Almost in the next second I remembered that it is true, the things of Earth are not sure and are always changing and evolving. The one constant, that we can always depend on, is God. He's always there, never wavering. It is such a comforting feeling to know that He is in control and His love does not change for us.
Thomas went hiking last weekend and took some pictures. He said that in this cave around a hundred years ago, people would gather to have church and sing. The weather was just above freezing outside and inside the cave it was around 65 degrees, so there was drifting fog. The sun shone threw at just the right spot to light up the rock in the middle. A little piece of Heaven right here in Arkansas. (They have not been edited or enhanced in any way.)

End of post from 2 years ago.

 I miss him and love him. More than anything in the world and heaven combined, I know his hope is that the kids and I would be happy and healthy. We are, so I know he is happy, too.