Tuesday, October 13, 2009


My head is so full of emotions and thoughts that if I don't post them right this moment I think I am about to give myself a migraine. Keeping up with this blog is truly cathartic for me.

I am feeling very tired, swamped and a little defeated today. This dreary weather is not helping.

Let me start with some fun stuff first:
Thomas smiled for the first time about three weeks ago at his big sister! (I guess he favors her over me-I am totally okay with that!) I managed to take this picture of one of his adorable smiles at me about a week later on Sept 25.Caroline started attending the mother's day out program one day a week. She loves it-especially because they sing her favorite song "You are my Sunshine." I keep forgetting to write some cute things she says. She really enjoys her "step-pools" (stepstools) and I am too. She can wash her hands by herself and help with packing her lunch using step-pools. Also, this past weekend we got to enjoy some family time in Fort Smith. Aunt Laura introduced her to Peter Pan. She now asks to watch "Peter Pot" often. So cute.
Here's a picture of her on her first day of school:
And way back on September 6th, Thomas had his first day of church! Here he is all dressed up with one of his daddy's ties (thanks Amber!)
I'm not sure what's going on in my head and heart right now. I think it just boils down to missing Thomas. Just when I think I've gotten through some aspect of my grief (by the way, I understand the grief will never be "gotten over") it comes rushing back to me.
Lately at dance there has been a dad there watching his little girl in his "office" outfit with a white shirt and tie. In the reflection of the one-way mirror I can almost see Thomas standing there in this typical Thomas outfit watching Caroline dance and be so proud of her listening so well to her teacher amidst all the three and four year olds. When our reality hits, it takes my breath away. I think I'm afraid to really feel it for very long in case I nose-dive into it and somehow find myself unable to come back out of it to function for my family. This is rough.

I know this next paragraph will sound so silly, but here I am in all my honesty:
I feel like I've failed baby Thomas. I have tried so hard to strictly breastfeed (for bonding, for his health, to persevere because it is stinking hard to do, and because I did with Caroline, etc,) then today I took him in for his two month check up. First of all, I'm having a rough day anyway and then when I get us all there and on time (you know how much energy that takes!) the receptionist says I have to talk to the billing lady. So the billing lady tells me that I have to re-schedule since I have not been able to add him onto our insurance yet because the great state of Arkansas (can you sense my sarcasm) has failed to send his birth certificate to me yet. I am not about to go home without seeing the doctor. So I ask her what options do I have--wow this story is getting long--anyway she agrees to let me see the doctor, but we can't do any shots today. Okay, whatever lady.
I'm already upset about that scene and then the doctor tells me that Thomas is about 15 percentile in weight. (He is ten pounds even, All else is 50th percentile) Caroline was always around 80%, so I am horrified. He asks if I've been eating well, sleeping etc. You can imagine how this goes over on me. We decided to supplement with some formula. I think for any other "normal" mom this would be no big deal and nothing to go home and blog about. But I am far from normal and I'm sad about this. The doctor said there is no need for concern at this point. I think I just feel I didn't do my job for sweet baby Thomas. So tonight we will begin the pumping and supplementing. If you've stayed with me ranting this long about such a small thing, thank you.

I honestly don't have the energy or will to write about everything going on right now, I just wanted to ask for prayers during this trying time. If it wasn't for God, my mom and sister, I don't know where I'd be right now.
I am also continually praying for sweet 4 year old Hannah and her recovery from her stroke during her chemo last week. God is our strength James and Kimberly!

Har-Ber High EAST students are hosing a "Run to Remember" in honor of my husband on Oct. 31st.
Forms can be mailed to
Har Ber High 300 Jones Road Springdale, AR 72762
Here's a link for some info for that: