So much to say

I really don't know where to start, yet again!
I am feeling guilt about some things--
I can't seem to get through writing all the "thank yous" that need to be written and I think about them everyday!
I haven't had time to write the post to my blog dedicated to my dear friend, Tara, who spent a whole week of her lift with me a few weeks ago, along with her adorable 3 year old daughter and 3 month old baby. She organized my kitchen, cleaned closets, made meals, and was a shoulder to cry on all while in the midst of three young children (two of whom, including Caroline, were sick.) Tara, I promise I will thank you, somehow, properly.I feel guilt that I'm letting Caroline sleep in while I write this. (Especially knowing how Thomas was awesome at helping me keep her on a great schedule!)
I feel not so much guilt, but sadness?, that the trip I look forward to so much with Thomas' family to the Great Wolf Lodge is over and it was such a blast for Caroline, but it was so hard for me realizing how all vacations (and life) is without him. All enjoyable moments (watching Caroline squeal in delight at the water for example) has an undercurrent of unbelievable sadness and yes, I will admit it, self-pity that her dad is not there to share it with us. I really do think he can see us at times and is happy for us, but it's not the same as I watch other dads play with their children.
As soon as I think I'm over the guilt, or anger, or whatever it comes back so quickly sometimes it takes my breath away.
I realized how much of my independence in being married and having him there to help is gone and I will forever have to rely on others for help. (Thomas should have been the one to carry our heavy suitcase out to the car. He should be the one to help me pack--he is famous for his packing ability.)
Life is so much more fun when you have it to share with someone as close as a husband or wife. Don't get me wrong, I love sharing life with Caroline as I will with our new baby boy soon, but not having him here to share the excitement of seeing Caroline enjoy new adventures and learn new things cuts like a knife.
Sorry about the downer post, but I've tried avoiding writing it and God or something keeps it on my mind until I do. It helps.
I want to end this by saying that I do not know how anyone goes through any hard time without God. Not just believing in Him, but having a relationship with Him. The hope for our future, the promise of heaven and all it brings, the reason I am able to smile and laugh is all because of Him. It wasn't that long ago that I did not know or understand what the "relationship" meant, but with the help and love of other Christians along the way, I realize it's easy. Just send up a prayer to Him-He's there waiting and listening. Open a bible (or click to one on the internet) and just read. The secure, loved feeling is something you can't get from anyone (not even your husband) or anywhere. The lows are not as low when you have Him, and the highs are amazing! It reminds me of this song that another dear friend gave me when I was going through a hard time years ago.

Third Day Mountain of god Lyrics: Thought that I was all alone Broken and afraid But You were there with me Yes, You were there with me And I didn't even know That I had lost my way But You were there with me Yes, You were there with me 'Til You opened up my eyes I never knew That I couldn't ever make it Without You Even though the journey's long And I know the road is hard Well, the One who's gone before me He will help me carry on After all that I've been through Now I realize the truth That I must go through the valley To stand upon the mountain of God

It's a....

Our baby is a boy!!! I felt like he was a boy all along! (It looks like a lot of you felt that way, too!)It was so overwhelming to see our little baby on the screen and find out that he is a boy and immediately think about how Thomas would be/is so happy! (I know he would be happy with a girl, too--but we are getting to experience both and that is a blessing too!) I know our little one will be just like his amazing daddy-loving and living life to the fullest. I can't wait to tell him all about his dad. Where would I start?? That's for another blog post...
I am a little anxious about raising a boy, but he has so many great male role models in his life that I know we will be taken care of. My new friend, Tara, who also lost her husband wrote on her blog about how her little boy has the best father ever in our Lord and He knew of the plan for us. Sometimes thinking about that makes me feel a little better, but I still have days where I just cannot believe this is the life He wanted me to live, without Thomas. I have so much more to say, soon, but I'm exhausted and need to sleep. I would appreciate continued prayers, as trusting as I am that God is in control of our little baby's life, I am still nervous and ready to hear our little heartbeat again. Thank you all for your continued support, it is helping me to stay strong!

Peace

Spring sprang this week-evidence: Caroline's sunglasses!

I am feeling the need to clarify myself lately.

After my last post I received a comment (Oh, how I cherish your comments!) about the peace I felt on Sunday for our baby from all of your prayers. I have thought a lot about that.
Isn't it funny how you can hear a bible verse a thousand times and think you understand it, but then something happens and you really understand it? That's what happened to me.

Phillipians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

That is exactly what happened to me. I had the peace of God on me as I went through the weekend. I know that people have been praying this verse for me for months and I know that I have been strengthened by it, but not until last weekend did it hit me square in the face with leaving no doubt that it was the peace of God in me.

This "thinking you understand a verse" thing also applies to my worship music. I have been slow to listen to my music for a while since it hits such raw nerves, but I am gaining strength from it now...even through the tears while listening. Just a few weeks before the accident our bible study "meditated" (if that's the right word) while listening to Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." I urge you to listen to it on youtube-it's so awesome.

Partial lyrics:

"Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth"

I remember being brought to tears by it way back then, and yet now it means even so much more. What "lows" I had before are put way into perspective now and forever. But even more than the new perspective (which is a good thing!) the promise of the second verse of the song is awesome. "I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare..."
Dear Lord, I am a heart that is holding on (sometimes by my fingertips.)

The other reason I feel the need to clarify is because of something that happened this past weekend. A very well-meaning acquaintance, of Thomas and I, saw me "somewhere" and after a few minutes she approached and we started to catch up and inevitably I mentioned our tragedy. She seemed a little taken aback and said that she had heard about it all, but when she saw me she thought I looked too happy (paraphrasing) for that to have been us she read about.
Most of you read my post several weeks ago about dealing with this guilt of looking happy...and I thought I had "dealt" with it, but I guess I had not because it still hurt me. I did manage to say to her that prayers are the reason I look how I do. I wish now I had gone on to say it comes from God's strength, but that's all I could get out.
So after two days of thinking about this, God sent me a blog to check out (through one of my blog readers!) Seriously, it was God and his timing. The comment was left early in January and for some reason I missed it in my e-mail (that's how I usually read all of my blog comments.) I was searching in my e-mail for something else and the comment came up as "unread." Now I know why.
I spent literally two (or more) hours reading this blog today and it touched me so much. This amazing lady's husband died five years ago in a car accident (that she and their son were also in.) What struck me as I read is that she had a similar experience at a store and took how she took it in such stride. I love how she expressed it on her blog:
"Psalm 21:6, "You have endowed him with eternal blessings. You have given him the joy of being in your presence."
This word is so true of me. The blessings on my life are eternal and His promises for me will never end. The relationship I have with my God will last forever and it is in that relationship and from that relationship that all the blessings in my life originate from and overflow out of. God has truly given me the joy of being in His presence. That joy is the best and purest joy I have ever known. It is stronger than any drug and so addicting. I need Him and I need to be with Him. I need more of Him and I need His presence. My joy is from Him and from being with Him. I am so blessed!!!"

Link to this blog entry: http://www.ajandkellie.com/2005/04/rejoice-in-lord-always.html

Link to the her story (get tissues):http://www.kelliebuffington.com/kelliebuffington.com/Story.html

Caroline and Lakyn inside Caroline's "house"

I guess I am writing this novel-long post to just say that, yes, I am having happy moments-which is a great thing that I didn't know I could have a few weeks ago and I am not going to apologize for them anymore. The God-breathed scriptures are TRUE and I'm a living example of it. So many say "how are you doing it?" I can now say because God promised I could do it and I believe Him with all of my heart.
Phillipians 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Thanks for "listening" and for your prayers. I have an appointment Wednesday morning to check on baby! I'll let you know how it goes! UPDATE: Strong heartbeat heard today!! 150 beats per minute! Even with all this peace I am talking about I still get nervous for each appointment! Thank you for your prayers! I also want to thank you for your wonderful comments--It's great feeling such support from you all!

ps I'm going to a put a poll up on my blog so that you all can weigh in on what you think our baby will be...boy or girl!? Results in one week!

All Glory to God

The sort of "short" version:
Travis, Becky and I went to have the ultrasound examination yesterday late afternoon. The doctors yesterday afternoon performed another ultrasound and they could hardly believe that the tear that the ultrasound pictures from Saturday showed could not be found!! The only explanation that makes any sense to me is that all of the prayers you all sent up on our behalf convinced God to heal my placenta tear. I cried when they said they could find any problem whatsoever and they thought I was upset so I had to tell them that I was happy and that was why I was crying. The baby was jumping around the whole time. Becky, Travis and I watched as baby opened his/her mouth and swallowed several times. Such a miracle.

Longer version: (ATTENTION: anyone who does not want to read details that might border on "Too much information" can skip this paragraph!)

Friday night I had light bleeding and I decided to just take it easy. Saturday morning I got up to get Caroline breakfast and shortly thereafter it was a lot of bleeding. I knew I needed to see a doctor so we loaded up for the ER. (Thanks again to Tara for taking care of Caroline ALL day again!) Travis, Becky and I got into a room pretty quickly and all I could keep thinking was, "Please Jesus save our baby, Please Jesus save our baby" over and over again.
I went into the ultrasound room alone and was afraid to look at the screen-the ultrasound lady kept sighing so I finally had to look for myself. Our little baby was wiggling all over the place and I could see the heart beating!! I still knew there was a reason for the bleeding, but I can't describe the relief of seeing our baby moving. It makes me cry all over again thinking about it.
I was anxious to hear what the doctor saw in the pictures, so three hours later (that's another story, for another time...) they decided it was a placenta tear and possibly a beginning of a miscarriage.
By this point we had been there over five hours and just I wanted to go home and just lay down. I really felt if I could just stay lying down then I would be okay. They told me to have another ultrasound on Monday at the clinic.
I could not get in until the late afternoon, but I cannot put into words how YOUR prayers were felt by me. All day Sunday and Monday I felt such a calm, peaceful feeling that is so hard to describe. Why else would I be calm knowing I am about to find out the fate of our precious baby-Obviously, it was from the prayers. We went into the clinic around 3 pm(and you probably read the short version above.) The moment the ultrasound came on I could see our little baby moving all over the place. Arms up around the baby's face then punching out and legs that look like they were running! Once again I was so relieved and thrilled, but in the back of my mind I knew we were needing to look at my placenta.
The ultrasound technician said she was going to look over the pictures with the radiologist. A few minutes later the radiologist came in and said she wanted to see the "live" pictures. I didn't know if that was a good thing or not. I think we were all holding our breath for the few minutes it took for them to look at it all again. She then basically threw up her hands and said, "If I had not seen your pictures from Saturday then I would not have known you had anything wrong." !!! That's when I cried.
I have heard that placentas can heal from tears like mine, but typically it takes a week or more and they do multiple ultrasounds to track its progress. I know without a doubt your (and my prayers and pleas) with the power of our almighty God healed me quickly. I am so thankful to God, but I feel I don't have the words to tell Him. I want to cry a flood of relief, but I don't want to stress my body out anymore than it already has been. I imagine (and I can tell) that the flood of tears will come, but for now I am still on bedrest until I am completely not having any signs from the bleeding that happened Saturday. So I am trying to stay calm and rest. I am so overwhelmed (once again!) by the outpouring of love and prayers from you all. I want you to know how I thank God for each and everyone of you (some of you who do not know me except through this blog!)
I think that God used this to show me that He is here for me, cares for us all, and listens to our prayers. I can honestly say that I have not doubted his presence in our life during the last two months, but I have been more angry over the last couple weeks and I have been wondering if He made a "mistake" taking Thomas, and other things like that. I think He felt a lot of our frustration with the situation and He wanted to make it abundantly clear to us (his children) that he loves us and wants the best for us.
I can also say that I did (with all of the prayers being sent up on Saturday night) finally feel such a peace that I could tell Him that whatever His will was for our baby-I could live with it. I just felt I could see that He wants to prosper us and not to harm us and that He knows what the ultimate plan is for us-and that it may not be what we had in mind. (I still begged that my plan and His were aligned for this baby!) Hallelujah, it was!
After rambling through this story, (I hope someone is still here with me reading this!) I want to say that I am still human, so I still have some fear for the upcoming six months of carrying this sweet baby, but with God's strength and your prayers I think we will have a wonderful, glorious day in mid-August when we get to see this beautiful baby's face and praise God all over again.