I am feeling the need to clarify myself lately.After my last post I received a comment (Oh, how I cherish your comments!) about the peace I felt on Sunday for our baby from all of your prayers. I have thought a lot about that.
Isn't it funny how you can hear a bible verse a thousand times and think you understand it, but then something happens and you really understand it? That's what happened to me.
Phillipians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
That is exactly what happened to me. I had the peace of God on me as I went through the weekend. I know that people have been praying this verse for me for months and I know that I have been strengthened by it, but not until last weekend did it hit me square in the face with leaving no doubt that it was the peace of God in me.
This "thinking you understand a verse" thing also applies to my worship music. I have been slow to listen to my music for a while since it hits such raw nerves, but I am gaining strength from it now...even through the tears while listening. Just a few weeks before the accident our bible study "meditated" (if that's the right word) while listening to Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." I urge you to listen to it on youtube-it's so awesome.
"Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth"
I remember being brought to tears by it way back then, and yet now it means even so much more. What "lows" I had before are put way into perspective now and forever. But even more than the new perspective (which is a good thing!) the promise of the second verse of the song is awesome. "I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare..."
Dear Lord, I am a heart that is holding on (sometimes by my fingertips.)
The other reason I feel the need to clarify is because of something that happened this past weekend. A very well-meaning acquaintance, of Thomas and I, saw me "somewhere" and after a few minutes she approached and we started to catch up and inevitably I mentioned our tragedy. She seemed a little taken aback and said that she had heard about it all, but when she saw me she thought I looked too happy (paraphrasing) for that to have been us she read about.
Most of you read my post several weeks ago about dealing with this guilt of looking happy...and I thought I had "dealt" with it, but I guess I had not because it still hurt me. I did manage to say to her that prayers are the reason I look how I do. I wish now I had gone on to say it comes from God's strength, but that's all I could get out.
So after two days of thinking about this, God sent me a blog to check out (through one of my blog readers!) Seriously, it was God and his timing. The comment was left early in January and for some reason I missed it in my e-mail (that's how I usually read all of my blog comments.) I was searching in my e-mail for something else and the comment came up as "unread." Now I know why.
I spent literally two (or more) hours reading this blog today and it touched me so much. This amazing lady's husband died five years ago in a car accident (that she and their son were also in.) What struck me as I read is that she had a similar experience at a store and took how she took it in such stride. I love how she expressed it on her blog:
"Psalm 21:6, "You have endowed him with eternal blessings. You have given him the joy of being in your presence."
This word is so true of me. The blessings on my life are eternal and His promises for me will never end. The relationship I have with my God will last forever and it is in that relationship and from that relationship that all the blessings in my life originate from and overflow out of. God has truly given me the joy of being in His presence. That joy is the best and purest joy I have ever known. It is stronger than any drug and so addicting. I need Him and I need to be with Him. I need more of Him and I need His presence. My joy is from Him and from being with Him. I am so blessed!!!"
Link to this blog entry: http://www.ajandkellie.com/2005/04/rejoice-in-lord-always.html
Link to the her story (get tissues):http://www.kelliebuffington.com/kelliebuffington.com/Story.html
Phillipians 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."
Thanks for "listening" and for your prayers. I have an appointment Wednesday morning to check on baby! I'll let you know how it goes! UPDATE: Strong heartbeat heard today!! 150 beats per minute! Even with all this peace I am talking about I still get nervous for each appointment! Thank you for your prayers! I also want to thank you for your wonderful comments--It's great feeling such support from you all!
ps I'm going to a put a poll up on my blog so that you all can weigh in on what you think our baby will be...boy or girl!? Results in one week!