Monday, March 9, 2009


Spring sprang this week-evidence: Caroline's sunglasses!

I am feeling the need to clarify myself lately.
After my last post I received a comment (Oh, how I cherish your comments!) about the peace I felt on Sunday for our baby from all of your prayers. I have thought a lot about that.
Isn't it funny how you can hear a bible verse a thousand times and think you understand it, but then something happens and you really understand it? That's what happened to me.

Phillipians 4:7 "And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

That is exactly what happened to me. I had the peace of God on me as I went through the weekend. I know that people have been praying this verse for me for months and I know that I have been strengthened by it, but not until last weekend did it hit me square in the face with leaving no doubt that it was the peace of God in me.

This "thinking you understand a verse" thing also applies to my worship music. I have been slow to listen to my music for a while since it hits such raw nerves, but I am gaining strength from it now...even through the tears while listening. Just a few weeks before the accident our bible study "meditated" (if that's the right word) while listening to Matt Redman's "You Never Let Go." I urge you to listen to it on youtube-it's so awesome.

Partial lyrics:

"Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth"

I remember being brought to tears by it way back then, and yet now it means even so much more. What "lows" I had before are put way into perspective now and forever. But even more than the new perspective (which is a good thing!) the promise of the second verse of the song is awesome. "I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on, a glorious light beyond all compare..."
Dear Lord, I am a heart that is holding on (sometimes by my fingertips.)

The other reason I feel the need to clarify is because of something that happened this past weekend. A very well-meaning acquaintance, of Thomas and I, saw me "somewhere" and after a few minutes she approached and we started to catch up and inevitably I mentioned our tragedy. She seemed a little taken aback and said that she had heard about it all, but when she saw me she thought I looked too happy (paraphrasing) for that to have been us she read about.
Most of you read my post several weeks ago about dealing with this guilt of looking happy...and I thought I had "dealt" with it, but I guess I had not because it still hurt me. I did manage to say to her that prayers are the reason I look how I do. I wish now I had gone on to say it comes from God's strength, but that's all I could get out.
So after two days of thinking about this, God sent me a blog to check out (through one of my blog readers!) Seriously, it was God and his timing. The comment was left early in January and for some reason I missed it in my e-mail (that's how I usually read all of my blog comments.) I was searching in my e-mail for something else and the comment came up as "unread." Now I know why.
I spent literally two (or more) hours reading this blog today and it touched me so much. This amazing lady's husband died five years ago in a car accident (that she and their son were also in.) What struck me as I read is that she had a similar experience at a store and took how she took it in such stride. I love how she expressed it on her blog:
"Psalm 21:6, "You have endowed him with eternal blessings. You have given him the joy of being in your presence."
This word is so true of me. The blessings on my life are eternal and His promises for me will never end. The relationship I have with my God will last forever and it is in that relationship and from that relationship that all the blessings in my life originate from and overflow out of. God has truly given me the joy of being in His presence. That joy is the best and purest joy I have ever known. It is stronger than any drug and so addicting. I need Him and I need to be with Him. I need more of Him and I need His presence. My joy is from Him and from being with Him. I am so blessed!!!"

Link to this blog entry:

Link to the her story (get tissues):
Caroline and Lakyn inside Caroline's "house"

I guess I am writing this novel-long post to just say that, yes, I am having happy moments-which is a great thing that I didn't know I could have a few weeks ago and I am not going to apologize for them anymore. The God-breathed scriptures are TRUE and I'm a living example of it. So many say "how are you doing it?" I can now say because God promised I could do it and I believe Him with all of my heart.
Phillipians 4:13 "I can do everything through him who gives me strength."

Thanks for "listening" and for your prayers. I have an appointment Wednesday morning to check on baby! I'll let you know how it goes! UPDATE: Strong heartbeat heard today!! 150 beats per minute! Even with all this peace I am talking about I still get nervous for each appointment! Thank you for your prayers! I also want to thank you for your wonderful comments--It's great feeling such support from you all!

ps I'm going to a put a poll up on my blog so that you all can weigh in on what you think our baby will be...boy or girl!? Results in one week!


  1. Bonnie, I love how God is "talking" to you through others, as well as the peace you have been feeling. I am also happy to hear that you are having moments of happiness (and that you aren't apologizing for them). We all know your heart and that on a human level, it is going to ache for years to come. But not for one minute did I think God's joys had ended in your life (especially with your beautiful daughter...such a joy). May God continue to bless your heart with peace and joy with more and more moments of happiness.

  2. Bonnie, your story is phenomenal--oh how strong you are. Your baby is beautiful and I wish you all the luck with this baby (I think it's a boy, just have a feeling...we'll see). I'll keep popping in to check on you. Stay strong. :) Meg

  3. I am praising God for your joy, Bonie. I think of you lots and pray for you often. I can't wait to hear how your US goes!

    Thank you for your posts. You have mentioned you think you are rambling but they encourage me...and remind me that I sometimes take things for granted....and complain too much.

  4. Oops...I called you Bonie!! Are you thin? hee hee

  5. Bonnie,
    I have been really drawn into my prayer journal the last few weeks. I have been reading a couple of books that reference wonderful scriptures and I have been tying thos to indiviidual prayers for people and my family. One of the scriptures I have tied to you in my journal is Phillipians 4:13. I was just in awe of your latestpost and so happy that you are feeling joy at times. Please continue to grow stronger each day for no apologies to anyone for any feeliing you might be experiencing. My prayers are with for Wednesday.

  6. Bonnie,
    I am constantly amazed at your strength and I'm encouraged by you every time I read one of your posts. Your love for the Lord is so unbelievable, even through this tragedy. I will continue to pray for you, Caroline and your precious baby. I've been trying to get your address. Have hard a card for you!!! If you will, send it by email!

  7. Ooops..Kind. tchr brain...
    Forgot to include my email


  8. Bonnie,
    You don't owe anyone an explanation for your smile or your laugh. Healing is a process- a long one- and you have come a long way baby! I continue to pray for you and think of you daily. The Lord has given you the strength to survive and to care for yourself, baby, and Caroline. Smiling and laughing does not mean that you have forgotten, it means you are doing everything you can to move forward. Take care of yourself, I am excited about the opportunity to weigh in on the sex of the baby! Let us know how your appt goes on Wednesday. I will be thinking of you-
    Love as Always,

  9. beautifully said....just beautiful:)

  10. Do you know what an incredible inspiration you are to others?
    I know the feeling of peace you are having is a gift from God. Heavenly Father loves you and Sweet Caroline so much he wants you to be happy and feel joy.
    You said you felt like you were writing a book. It will be a beautiful book for Caroline and this sweet wee one to read one day of the enormous faith and strength of their mom. Thomas would want you to be a happy family too. Finding joy and happiness in living life does not mean you have forgotten your devastating lost... but remembering the joy you shared and still share in your precious family and faith in God.
    Know you are never alone...

    May the Lord continue to bless you and your precious little oens.


  11. God is good! I am so glad that you have been posting, it is very inspirational to me to read. God is definitely working! Looking forward to baby news later in the week! May God continue to bless you and Caroline.

  12. Praying for your sweet heart. Thank you for opening up to all of us so that I have the privilege to pray for you.

  13. I am so thankful for your joy and peace! Absolutely no need to apologize for having a God of grace and wonder in your life who can sustain, comfort, and, in his time, heal you. He is amazing, is he not?!

  14. I continue to pray for you :)

    I think baby will be a girl :)

    Stay strong!

  15. Hi Bonnie, I was clicking around online one day and found your blog. I have a friend who lost her husband in a tragic car accident on Jan. 1 of this year and is left behind with 2 small children. I have stood in amazement at the strength and peace God has blessed her with. I also see this in you. We all have good days and bad days no matter what we have to deal with. I'm so thankful that we have our Lord to lean on in times of sorrow and in times of rejoicing. I'm glad that you aren't going to apologize for having a happy moment. You deserve happiness and laughter and should enjoy it as it comes.


  16. That post made me smile! I am so glad you are confident in the peace that God has given you, it is so true! I found I have never felt closer to God as you know:)... all you can do is be real - no matter who you're around!

  17. Bonnie,
    I am just now finding out about your stories and you have touched me in a way that no other person has with your faith in God. You are a wonderful teacher, mother, and wife that God has placed on this earth to show his love and presence to others. I am sorry about the loss of your husband as I know he will be missed.I am looking forward to the true miracles God is bringing to your family.
    Stacie Garcia

  18. Bonnie, I feel that, though I am a complete stranger to you, and I only began coming here after I read that you and your family needed prayers, through your postings, I have been able to look into your heart and into your soul, and what I see is amazing and inspiring. Bless you for the inspiration you are providing to others as you go through the grieving process. You remain in my prayers. laurie

  19. Bonnie,
    Although you don't know me, I'm compelled to write this. The peace and moments of joy are gifts...sometimes lasting moments, sometimes longer. And every time you hit the valley, you can look back and see that indeed God hasn't forgotten...He has given you those times to remind you of His strength, presence, and utter love. It IS part of the healing, and those who make a deal of it or comment on it - well - they sound like me in my "before" time - pretty much oblivious to what your experience is like. Although I would never have chosen my road, I would never give up the result. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

  20. Bonnie God only gives us what we can handle and You can handle the Lord taking your husband home. Life is to be enjoyed not just endured. There is no reason to apologize for being happy. Heavenly Father wants you happy and so would your sweet hubby. That is the nice thing about having him in our lives he can help us be happy in such a sad situation.

  21. Bonnie,
    We've never met but I have been following your blog since the accident. You and your family have been in my thoughts and prayers from the minute I found about it. You are an amazing example of a Christian woman and I have learned so much by reading your blog. I am SO happy that you are having happy times. Caroline seems so precious and is so lucky to have such a great mom. I'll keep praying for y'all.

  22. great post, bonnie! now it all makes more sense.
    and i absolutely LOVE that song!!!!! it makes me think of you and how god is with us even through our roughest season. actually, god is especially drawn close to us then.
    love love love you and can't wait to see you again.

  23. I am sorry for how that woman's comment made you feel.

    My cousin past away at age 34 leaving his wife with 4 children. At the time I couldn't understand the depth of emotions she was going through. Reading your thoughts, it makes me rethink my behavior towards my cousin's wife. I hope that I was always able to be understanding and supportive in my words and actions.

    Even though we have never met, I am so excited to hear if your baby is a boy or girl. What an amazing gift children are.

    You are constantly in my thoughts Bonnie.

  24. PRAISE GOD that you are having happy moments! I know you must feel guilty over those at times but the Lord is blessing you despite what you are walking through and you are seeign that teh JOY of the LORD is truly YOR STRENGTH! You don't have to give anyone a disclaimer to the countanance on your face good or bad; I am so sad that you feel as though you do. You should just be able to grieve where you are and love your sweet Caroline where you are and live YOUR life where you are in that moment with the ord as your sole supply. I am praying for you, Bonnie, all the itme. You are on my heart so much. I oray he continues to strengthen you and build you up in deep faith and joy and all the things you need.

  25. Bonnie, you're in my prayers. Stay strong and can't wait to hear if it's a boy or girl. I'm hoping it's a boy. This way you have one of each ;) I found your blog through another blog and have been praying for you and your unborn baby and sweet Caroline. I'm sure your hubby is smiling down on you, and so proud of you and your strength! Enjoy every minute of every day with Caroline and all of your family/ friends and loved ones!

  26. I love you. Your recent post was such an inspiration to me. Thank you for your thoughts and for the scriptures and song you mentioned. I pray these feelings and this strength from God continues for you. It truly is God's comfort and peace flowing through you. Though I know times are still difficult I am so glad you can feel it.

    This verse has been on my heart a lot recently and I want to share it with you!

    Isaiah 43:2-4

    "When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers,they will not sweep over you.
    When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze...For I am the LORD, your God,the Holy One of Israel, your Savior...Since you are precious and honored in my sight, and because I love you..."

    I love you!

  27. I am so proud of you for your patient response to that woman, who has no business saying anything like that. I think in your situation I would struggle with the same feelings.

    I'm glad you found that blog that encouraged you - thanks for sharing with us!

  28. Bonnie,
    I am so glad that you found that beautiful blog just when you most needed it; and thank you for sharing it with us.
    All my life I've been taught the scripture that teaches that "men are that they might have joy." Not always happiness and sunny days, but in the end everything is for us to experience true joy. And I'm grateful that the joy of Christ is seeping back into your life. You are such an inspiration to me--you always were, even before, but this winter your example as you've gone through the refiner's fire truly inspires my days and nights. Thank you for sharing so many of your feelings (good and bad) and experiences with us!
    I love you!!

  29. Bonnie, Your strength is AMAZING! I am in awe of you. And...I love the theme of your post...peace. I hope it helps a little bit to write about your're an inspiration to cherish each day.

    Also, the pictures of Caroline are adorable...I think you're channeling some of Thomas' photog skills that I saw in previous posts. Awesome!!

    You and the kiddos are always in my prayers...looking forward to the update on Baby!!

    p.s. My vote is that it's a boy!!!

  30. Bonnie, your blog is truly a blessing to me. I pray for you often. May you continue to feel God's sweet peace in the midst of your grief and trials...and during the joyful times.


  31. Bonnie,
    I do not even know you and we will probably never meet. I found your blog through several blogs I follow. Your story hurts my heart but your strength and love for God lifts it at the same time. I am 7 months pregnant and one of my worst fears came true for you. I do not know what I would do if I were ever in your situation, but I do know you have encouraged and inspired me to reclaim my relationship with God. Afterall, He is the only constant in a not so constant world. Bless you and your family. You and your precious babies are in my prayers.

  32. You are such a beautiful sister in the Lord and I am so thankful for your heart. Weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning. I'm so grateful you are beginning to have mornings.

  33. Still praying for you guys! You should also listen to the song Never Let Go by David Crowder. It's beautiful. Your daughter is adorable!


  34. I really hope you continue to have those happy moments. Caroline's sunglasses are cute by the way. :)

    PS - I think it's a boy.

  35. I just don't want you for ONE MINUTE to feel one bit of guilt for having a moment here or there, or an all day bit of happiness.

    The fact that ANYONE could have even one second of happiness after what you have been through, is all testimony to God and His amazing grace to you. You are a beautiful example of God's love and grace and how His grace is so sufficient.

    Keep up the awesome attitude and grieve when you need to grieve, smile when you want to smile.

    God bless you and your children. I'm hoping for a boy for you. :)
    Kelly in Michigan

  36. Bonnie,
    I love the way you are living for God in the midst of such tragedy. I lost my first husband when I was only 19 and we'd only been married 8 (almost) short months. I was not living for God at the time and spent much of my time angry. It was very unfruitful. God has done such a work in me since that time (22 yrs ago) and my life doesn't even resemble what it was at the time. He is so faithful.

    Bless you for living this out and walking in the peace that only God can give. I've been praying for you and will continue.

    Have a Blessed evening,

  37. Yay on a strong heartbeat!!!! And ya know? Yay for the woman on the other side of this blog. God is all over this and ALL over you! Yes, your journey is heartbreaking to read and heartbreaking isn't even the word for how it must be for you. But this girl here in Indiana is thanking Our Daddy for your moments of happiness. You Go girl... you show the world what passes all understanding!

    CeCe Garrett

  38. I was so moved by your story and wanted to add a resource for you. My sweet friend, Holly, lost her husband a couple of years ago at 31 on the mission field in Australia. She had two boys and was pregnant with her 3rd. She has written a book that you might enjoy. Her website is Many blessings to you and your sweet family.

  39. Still praying Bonnie! I love that you are finding happy moments. You never need to feel bad or apologize for those moments. God still wants you to find happiness here on earth. Still praying for new baby too. Love ya!

  40. You are so strong and brave. I am so glad you are feeling the Lord with you through this. And I *love* that Matt Redman song.


  41. I am thankful, thrilled, that you have happy times and can enjoy the peace that only God can bring. You deserve to smile, to relish in some laughter again. My sweet friend, you have a beautiful smile. The Lord has blessed you in many ways and will continue to bless you. Thank you for loving Him.