Sunday, November 1, 2009

November already??

(Thanks for the beautiful hats and flowers, Beth!)
I am so sorry to have not updated until today! It is so hard for me to find enough words to thank you all for your support after that last post of mine. I read every comment and you all had great advice and encouragement. I definitely did not feel alone in the struggles of nursing! Several of you called and left messages of encouragement, as well-thank you! A few of you mentioned that maybe this is God's way of making me ease up on myself. I think you are right. Thomas and I have found the happy medium of nursing and supplementing with formula. It has freed me up for more quality time with Caroline and I still feel he is getting what he needs. The added bonus of formula is that he is sleeping in his bassinet at night for about 5-6 hours straight! Hallelujah! More sleep has helped me cope with my emotional ups and downs these past weeks.I am still dealing with health insurance woes-waiting ever so patiently for the COBRA people to add Thomas so that we can move ahead with paying bills and getting our appointments back on track. I am dreading talking to that billing lady at our clinic, so you can be praying for that as well!
Caroline and Thomas are growing up so quickly. I told someone that I really think I saw Thomas grow before my eyes a few days ago while he was playing. He is grabbing more purposefully at toys and smiling the biggest smiles that stop my heart!! He even giggles and babbles. He is such a good baby. Caroline continues to amaze me with her independence and ability to follow directions (usually the first time!) I keep telling people that God knew what I needed in that sweet little girl. She is helping load and unload the dishwasher and we have even had some time to bake together (thanks, Reba, for the pumpkin muffin recipe!) She is saying "I think so" and "I think not" lately. For example, Me: "Do you think it is time for nap?" Caroline: "I think not." Me: "Do you think it is time to run the dishwasher?" Caroline: "I think so." She also said the other day after I asked her what happend to the cracker on the floor, "My cute little foot stepped on it." I laughed so hard. When I am talking a lot with another adult she will ask "What are you talking about?" so that she can be in on the conversation.
At this moment, both sweet peas are asleep. I consider it a gift from God (and I am not exaggerating in the least bit. He knows what we need and when and He provides!!)Speaking of sweet peas, Thomas was a pea-in-the-pod for Halloween and Caroline was Tinkerbell. She had fun trick-or-treating at Mother's Day Out. Here she is with her teacher and another classmate:
Thomas pictures to come...

I have had more of an "up" week this past week, but I miss Thomas so much. I can't imagine me every getting used to relying on others to help me when it should be him there. If it wasn't for the amazing church family I have, we wouldn't have been able to enjoy our church's fall carnival friday night at all. Who knew how much help I was going to need getting two costumed children from the car into the church! And then feeding both of them and myself while there was a whole other adventure. Aunt Becky luckily came to help take Caroline around to the rides, but I found myself without free hands to take pictures. I am realizing that some things will have to be given up in order to enjoy ourselves and if that means less pictures, then so be it.

I haven't written about this before, but since I keep thinking about it I've decided to get it on the blog so that maybe it will help me get through the feelings. Over and over I find myself saying or thinking, "the hardest thing about this is _____" There are so many hard things about this that I have given up saying that and instead I say "Another hard thing about this is____" But while reading a book called Believe by a widow with two very young children, Jennifer Silvera, she hit the nail on the head. She recalls someone asking her "What do you miss the most?" There are a thousand things I miss, but the one thing that hits me over and over again day after day is not having Thomas to "check in" with. I think so many people take this for granted, but just think about how often you "check in" with your husband. I use to call or text message him several times through out the day just to say 'hi' or talk about dinner plans or just to find out where he was at a certain time of the day. It was such a habit that for several weeks after the accident I would pick my phone up after I had been out somewhere just to call and "check in" with him. -My breath catches just thinking about that feeling of realizing what I was doing and that he would not be able to answer my call. It still happens every now and then, when I feel that urge to call and check in with him. It is a feeling of pain that is undescribable. Who else wants to hear about the tiny things that happen throughout the day that you share with your spouse? Blessedly for me, my sister is able to be that person I can call with most of those details, but it is not quite the same as sharing your day with your spouse over dinner.
I really had planned on keeping this an upbeat post, but it feels better just to be completely honest about where I am in this journey.
I can say that I am truly enjoying each moment I get to spend with my children and that God is keeping us close and giving me the strength I need to not just go through the motions, but enjoy life. Thank you so much for your continued prayers.

A special prayer for my friend that is like a sister to me, Julie Harmon. Her daddy passed away this past Wednesday and his funeral was this afternoon. I am terribly saddened that I could not be there in person. I am continually praying for her family.


  1. Wow Bonnie, that was a great and honest bittersweet.
    Your kids ARE ADORABLE! I cannot wait to see them in person:) So soon!
    I entirely agree with you that the "checking in" part is a bad part of this journey. Still something will happen that I think oh I have to tell Preston... but.. I sometimes write letters to him and that helps. but oh how it hurts.
    Love you

  2. I read Believe,too. It might be the only book I have read that I felt, "she actually gets it". I, too pick up the phone even now at 4:30 to call my husband. I used to call him every day at that time on my way home. That feeling takes my breath away. I almost "called" him today when i saw our favorite sub shop opened in the mall near our house.

    Thanks for your honesty.

  3. Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I can't even imagine what you are going through. I'm so glad that God blessed you with two children who are "just what you needed!" And your post reminds me to appreciate the things that I have right now because in a blink of an eye, they could be gone.

    P.S. Don't worry about that billing lady - God says that YOU can DO all things through him so don't let her get you down!

  4. Oh, Bonnie, I can't imagine what you're going through. I lost my grandpa almost 2 years ago, and I still sometimes pick up the phone thinking "Oh, Grandpa will laugh so hard at what just happened" and then cry when I realize I can't call him.
    I cannot imagine how much more intense the grief is when it's your spouse who you have lost.
    Thank you for your openness and honesty about what you're going through. I think of you and pray for you often, even though I don't know you personally...

  5. Wow I can't believe how big he is, both your kids are so stinking adorable. I'm glad that you wrote that out, it is so touching. It has made me want to cherish every moment with my husband. Life is so fragile.
    Praying for you.

  6. Thanks for sharing your sweet family! Caroline is absolutely adorable and Thomas looks like such a sweet little man!

    One of my biggest dreads of Ryan deploying this spring to Afghanistan is that for nearly 3 months I won't be able to pick up the phone to call him. I hate it even now. But one thing I know now, when I feel that way, it will cause me to remember to pray for you! Hope you have an extra blessed week!

    We love you!

  7. That was a great post!! Caroline and Thomas are so precious. Caroline was the prettiest Tinkerbell I have ever seen and I'm sure Thomas was such a precious little sweet pea. I'm so glad that you've been having a better few weeks. I will continue to pray for you and your children.

  8. Hi Bonnie,
    Thank you so much for allowing all of us to continue to walk with you on this journey. I really, really wish I could be there with you to help out with the kids & talk in person, but since I'm far away in Hawaii, please know that my prayers are with you and your precious children. While I was in the process of losing my grandfather 11 months ago, I was blessed to receive the prayers & emotional support of people I'd never met and probably never will, and it is a privilege to be able to pass that on.

    And I know lots of people tell you this, but your kids are adorable!!!

  9. I'm so thankful that you've found a balance between nursing and supplementing. Caroline and Thomas are so precious together. Continuing to pray for you.

  10. Great to hear an update Bonnie! The kiddos are beautiful! Thank you for continuing to share this journey with us....I'm still praying for you all the time, especially whenever I read a blog post :)

  11. I think of you often, Bonnie and ask God just to help you.

    About a month ago, my brother in law was killed in a car accident, leaving Robb's sister a widow with a 14 year old son and 11 year old daughter. We are obviously heartbroken. Your blog helps me a lot to anticipate what my sister in law may be feeling. She is still very much in the place of hoping that he'll just walk through the door and it will all be a very bad dream. Please don't stop writing about your honest feelings. God is not wasting your pain, but gathers it up and uses it for good in the way only He can.


  12. You don't know me, but I've been reading your blog, which I found through another blog. Your kids are adorable and look very loved, so don't be so hard on yourself!

    One tip about health insurance: If you want them to move faster, you might try being a pest. Call them every day, or or every other day, if you can find time. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. And Cobra is probably pretty busy right now because of the recession. So you may want to try calling a few more times to try to get your name moved to the top of their To-Do list. I'm sorry you have to deal with this on top of everything else.

  13. It's good to hear from you - thank you for sharing your heart about what you miss most. Your kids are beautiful & adorable - can't wait to see that 'pea' costume. :)

  14. Bonnie, I don't usually comment but I wanted you to know that I'm continually praying for you. Your strength and faith amaze me. You're such a beautiful woman, and a wonderful mom! I also wanted to let you know that my little guy is in the 3rd percentile for his weight, and his doctor isn't concerned. Breastfed babies tend to put on weight more slowly than formula babies. They all grow at different rates. But, if you do have to supplement, then do it! You're not failing him, you're doing it to help him! :)

  15. Your family is beautiful!
    Hope you are doing better...

  16. Dear Bonnie, I have been following your blog for a long time (I really don't remember how I found your blog...I think from Matt Logelin's?). I am constantly in awe of your courage and honesty. And your kids are so cute!! I don't think I have ever commented on your blog, but you and your family are often in my thoughts and prayers....especially this past Sunday, which leads me into why I am writing you....
    I, along with a purse designer (she makes purses out of ties), would like to talk with you about making two purses out of your husband's ties, for you and your daughter, Caroline. The short story is that I was at a craft show this past weekend, saw these purses and immediately you came to mind. I thought "wow..these are really cool, not really for me, but I know someone that I would like to make one or two for" (like a light bulb moment :)). I loved the idea of the onesies with the ties, which is what made me think of you and your daughter.
    Please contact me if you are interested. This would be a gift from me and the designer, for you and Caroline. I hope you are interested! :)

    The designers website:
    My e-mail is

    Take care...hope to hear from you soon. :)