Psalm 10:17

With such a heavy heart I begin this post.
In the title of this blog, I decided to reinforce God's promise from Psalm 10:17: "You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry"
    I remember being blissfully ignorant of the ups and downs of life when I was younger and hearing about the Holiday "blues." I wondered (briefly, without much deep thinking about it) why Thanksgiving/Christmas are a sad time for a lot of people. To say I now understand about those "blues" now is such a ridiculous understatement. I am grateful God has healed me to this point, however, almost two years after the accident, that I can proclaim with such joy in my heart that I am happy. I can have such light-hearted moments now with family and friends that it blows me away at how far I've come, only with God's help, from the darkest days of my life. Yes, for the rest of my days on earth I will miss Thomas and some days will continue to be harder than others, but I have such hope for the future, and faith in God's promise for my children's happiness that I can hold on to it with both hands and praise God.
   Yet, with the news of another young husband and father in our community being taken away to heaven in the prime of life this past Thursday, I feel like I'm reliving some parts of those dark days. I'm "going" back there on purpose though, because I know first hand how much Tara Newby helped me through the hardest of times and I want to do the same for Stacy Waller. I'm not sure yet what God has in store with how I can help or what she needs, but I'm keeping my ears and heart open to find out. I do not personally know Stacy, but through Facebook I saw that we have several mutual friends who I consider very close friends. She has three children ages 4 and younger.
   Since the two year "anniversary"(there's not a good word for it) is approaching for our family and Kimberly's one year mark of Hannah entering heaven being this week, she and I had already been doing lots of reflecting on the past. With Stacy's story coming to me this Thursday as well, I just have to rely on what I've learned to move through the days right now. Even when it doesn't feel like God is with us, we've already made the decision to believe God and choose to believe He is with us. I choose you, God. Your love endures forever, no matter what happens.
  I rarely have writer's block when God leads me to post on my blog, and it's not that I have a block, but I just can't get past the pain right now as I write this. For the Waller family, for the Crumby family, the Culp family and for all of us learning to live with terrible loss.
  Yet, life keeps going. I know it amazed me when I realized the world didn't stop when my husband died. And now I'm on the other side, Stacy's world has crumbled and I continue with my life: going to church, eating lunch, making plans for tomorrow...and I almost feel guilt. I don't know what that is called, ironic? blessed?
Ironic because I have been there and now I am here? Or blessed that life doesn't stop and one day life will go on for her as well?? So many emotions...
 Thank you, God, that I don't have to figure it all out. We are not called to be omniscient! We can keep it simple as possible and realize the nitty-gritty: Life is full of joy and sadness and everything in between and You have given us a relatively short time here on earth to persevere through it until we all meet our end. I'm so thankful you gave us the bible as a roadmap through life and as an example of how to live to get there.

A friend told me about this song shortly after the accident and I've posted the lyrics before. This October I noticed Caroline singing along to this in church while we all sang together and when we got home I tried to capture it on video.
I am pursuing faith like a child as Caroline does...Lord, you'll never let go.
 "You'll Never Let Go" by Matt Redman (Click for his version)

Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
(Chorus:)
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We'll live to know You here on the earth
(Chorus)

• Please be specifically praying for Stacy and Kimberly and their families this week. I get chills when I remember vividly how I felt your prayers during the hardest of times.