Tuesday, February 8, 2011

How do you explain...

"How do you explain, how do you describe
A love that goes from east to west
And runs as deep as it is wide
You know all our hopes, You know all our fears
Words cannot express the love we feel
But we long for you to hear
So listen to our hearts, hear our spirits sing
A song of praise that flows
From those you have redeemed
We will use the words we know
To tell you what an awesome God You are
Words are not enough to tell You of our love
So listen to our hearts"

I'm starting with this post with that song because Tyler and I feel that way about God and what He's done with our lives.
We've had an amazing experience with God growing our love for Him and each other as we've made our way through these last nine months together. Every fear or concern we had was answered by God. Caroline asked me out of the blue a couple of months ago if Tyler and I would "be married." I was surprised by the question, but I knew God was working on her heart as well. I told her I would listen to what God tells me in my heart. She then said, "Well, what is God telling you?" I told her that God is working on us, but  that  I think it will happen!

I can't seem to keep my fingers typing fast enough to tell everyone all the emotions and thoughts racing through my head right now. I want to do our story justice and there is never enough time in the day to get it all written the way I would like to in a blog post, but I wanted to announce our engagement right away! Tyler proposed last night with Caroline and Thomas helping.
I kept thinking I was feeling shock all night and day today, but I finally realized it wasn't shock. After all, we have carefully let our relationship grow in God's timing, but we always  knew we were never casually dating. We both felt God telling us this was "for real" from the first day of our relationship. So it isn't shock that I'm feeling. We both knew this was coming (even planned tentatively dates for the wedding!) Not shock, it is awe. I am in complete and total awe of what God can do with a broken mess. If you've read any of my blog, it is not a surprise to hear that life dealt the three of us a horrific blow. I was a mess: physically, emotionally and spiritually. However, my family and friends surrounded me and showed me what God's love is. Their love and support motivated me to ask God to help me pull it together. He answered that prayer in a huge way. I am reminded of the way love is defined in the bible in 1 Corinthians:

1 Corinthians 13

 1 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.
 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
 8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10 but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. 12 For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
 13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 
We usually hear these verses at weddings, but it isn't just talking about love between husband and wife. Love is a true gift from God that each of us can have: for our friends, for our families, for each other. When I allowed myself to take in the love from my amazing support system and start asking God to transform my  sadness to joy-He did it. I felt joy again. Only after that happened did he then open my eyes to see Tyler.
Fast forward to yesterday...
He had Caroline help set up the dining room with white Tulips and an adorable round cake (from Ricks!) with a big question mark in it, complete with sparkler candles! I was holding Thomas and when I came around the corner all I could see was that question mark on the cake and Caroline beaming from ear to ear and holding something behind her back....Tyler told me He is excited about God's plans for us as a family and if I would do the honor of being his wife! AAAHHHHH! Caroline gave me the ring and I said YES! 
Caroline was giggling and cheering, Thomas was staring at the candles and I was drying my eyes while hugs were being passed around.
Then as we quieted down to take in the moment, Caroline walked over to Tyler and put her arms around his neck and said, "Now we have a daddy. Now we have a daddy" with all of the love and sincerity a newly turned 4 year old can muster. I completely lost it. Tears of joy, heart break and renewal all at once. I knew she knew she didn't have a daddy hear on Earth, but I also know she knows that she did have a wonderful daddy who loved her very much. I hadn't fully realized the impact this would have on her until she said those words. In bed that night Caroline and I thanked God for the daddy who is now in heaven that brought her into this world and loved her more than anything else on Earth, and then we were able to thank God for the daddy that she will now have here with us. What a blessed little girl and boy they are to have so much love from dads on Earth and in Heaven just for them. (And a mommy who is loved so much, too...) My cup runneth over.