Insecurity.

I haven't had writer's block. Quite the opposite. I've written no less than 10 posts in my head over the last month. But I came down with something worse (maybe?)

Hello. My name is Bonnie and I have writer's insecurity.

Of course this is a pic of Thomas, but it represents how I felt. (And when I look at this picture it makes me laugh so hard.)

 When did this happen? Why has this happened? WHAT'S MY FLIPPING DEAL?
These are the questions I've asked myself over the last couple of months. I'm really not sure when it started exactly.
I do know that it's been pronounced, to the point I started sweating thinking about blogging, for around three months.
I have learned quite a bit in the last few years of working through bible studies, with my coolest-group-of-girls ever, and I have learned to Go To God when something like this flares up. I knew He wanted me to work on something, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it until the last couple of weeks. I was caring WAY too much about what people thought. I've always prided (interesting word choice, you will soon learn) on not caring too much about what people thought about me. I guess I got a little to big for my britches about it and God decided to show me a place in me that had always been there, but not readily apparent, or maybe it grew from some other experience I've had.  Who knows? Who cares? It was here. And it was ugly.
The Problem:
I started worrying about what my blog is about.

And I blame Twitter. Dang you, Twitter! It started so innocently, I only followed people I love or admire: my sister in law Lauren, my friend Julie, Angie Smith, Beth Moore, then Ann Vosskamp, Jon Acuff, Holley Gerth...etc. And I love following them, they post inspiring, Christ-centered, sometimes funny, sometimes serious short comments that make me think about life in new ways.
But a funny thing happened, the more I read their tweets or blog posts, the more I compared myself to them. I felt like anything I had to write about had already been done, and WAY more polished and better.
So I had a private pity party with God about it. I knew He wanted to refine me in this area of insecurity. And you know what has helped me enough to come out of the closet and share it today?

 Prayer.

Surprising? You really wanted me to say God tweeted it to me, admit it.
Seriously, the more I prayed, the clearer the answer became. (imagine that, prayer working?) I am still in the middle of working through it, but I do see why he allowed me to feel this way.  He just wanted me to be honest. On the blog, in my conversations, in my life. Just be honest! If I feel like posting about what cute thing Caroline said, or something that should give me the Mom of the Year Award (like realizing I forgot Thomas's shoes as we got to a park 45 minutes away--true story!), or something deep that I'm struggling through and learning in bible study--just write it up. He helped me see that why I write isn't for me, yes, it is an outlet and I do enjoy it, but it is for Caroline and Thomas.(anyone else gaining something from it is just gravy!) I may not be around for their entire lives, Lord willing. I may or may not meet grandchildren...but all that matters, all that is worth sharing and passing down to generation to generation is what I so mercifully have learned and brings me to tears just realizing how blessed I am to have come to realize that

God loves us so very much and that a RELATIONSHIP with Him, not just believing IN Him, but believing His promises, will give you a life so much more rich and full of joy than we ever thought possible. We actually get glimpses of heaven while on our hard journey through life. We don't just have to get through life (although some days are still get-through-it for me), we can ENJOY it, and every so often get a taste of what is waiting for us when our time has come.

View from my front porch yesterday, Humongo double rainbow so bright it looked impossible. God's promises are real.

He made me realize through this trial that I DO care about writing (I thought about quitting completely as an answer!) and it's my way of passing knowledge down to my kiddos. And God DOES have a plan for me (although I have to be okay with not knowing what it is at times.)
AND competing in Christ is not okay! We are all saved when we believe in Jesus, there isn't a blog post I or anyone else will write where God will say, "Hmmm, now that post deserves her radiant flooring in her mansion!"

I can honestly say, I am excited to be back writing...now, if I can just find the time to write 10 posts in a month...I guess I'll address the guilt of not writing next month. :-)

Okay, so I did get an email. But I know God told her to send it!
I was coming close to realizing a lot of this, and the final push to get over myself was an email sent by a former student yesterday. I hadn't heard from her in about a year and she took the time to email and say that my ramblings (my word not her's) on my blog meant a lot to her this year.
As I type that I hope you know with all of my being that I gave God all the glory, and I write it here just to show that God knows WHAT we need WHEN we need it. It was the final push I needed to smile at God and know He did it on purpose right then.

Words are powerful. Use your words to encourage someone, just as my student did for me yesterday, just as all of you reading this blog have done for me over the years, and as so many other writers/authors do for me every day.
I can say, since we are being honest, that I wasn't sure I'd live through the tragedy of losing Thomas. I think for a short time I was that person that the bible warns against, "you will not grieve as do the rest who have no hope." 1 Thes 4:13 But I can say HONESTLY, I will not ever be that person again. I have hope.

I can't say it any better than Beth Moore's sister's prayer. Her sister posted about coming out of alcoholism and homelessness into sobriety and reclaiming a relationship with God:
“Oh thank You, oh thank You, God, for not letting me die before I got this, before I got You, this sweet relationship, this rollercoaster of a ride, this ebb and flow of faith, trust and sheer awe that leaves me begging for MORE.  I wouldn’t have wanted to miss this.  It would have been such a shame to have missed this.  Thank You for saving me so that I could experience this … experience You.  You are the Love of my life.  You are the Great Love of my life.  And I am Yours.”

 Amen, sister.