I am so blessed to have Caroline and sweet baby #2 on the way. I took a picture of one of the ultrasound pictures with my camera phone, so it's not the best quality--but look at that fully formed baby!! Only 12 weeks and I can count his/her toes! Huge blessing!!
And yet, at the same moment I feel so sick inside (and not just from the morning "all day" sickness.) So many people tell me how "well" I am doing under the circumstances. I feel the need to write about that.
I don't know if you can imagine the conflicting feelings of trying to seem "well" for everyone because I know it's hard on others to see me suffer, but at the same time a part of me has died and I am suffering on the inside. Of course, it does spill out at times-sometimes at completely unexpected times and sometimes I know it's building and will come no matter what. A good friend told me that she knows I'm not "well" but I can get out of bed and get dressed and that tells her that I am doing better than some would be at this point.
I understand that, but I also carry a layer of guilt--It feels weird and wrong to be able to go eat at a restaurant or laughing out loud when I am still "grieving" and another layer of guilt because Thomas can't be eating at a restaurant or be laughing with me. (I know, I am sure they have wonderful restaurants in heaven, but you know what I mean.) Leaving a restaurant the other day I saw an acquaintance of mine, but avoided her because I didn't want her to think that I must be all better if I'm able to eat out. (does that make any sense?) I guess I'm just afraid people will stop praying for me and then where will I be?? I am certain the prayers are the only thing getting me through each day.
God must have really wanted me to read this certain book (Tear Soup) because I first got it from my mother-in-law Tracy and then from a friend of a friend who is also a young widow. (By the way, just to pour on some more woe-is-me, I actually had to check a "widow" box on my pre-registration form for my upcoming delivery in August. How absolutely horrible is that?)
Anyway, I have a small stack of "grief" books from so many awesome friends that I've skimmed through but can't seem to have the energy to read cover to cover yet. This book in particular is a beautiful, color picture book called "Tear Soup." When I received it the second time I assumed God wanted me to read it. So I did and it fit me so well that I would now ask all of my friends and family to grab some tissues and head to the nearest book store, find a chair and read it-cover to cover. (It's not long.) It's not a super cheap book and I am a proponent of libraries so I don't want everyone to go out and buy it, but just read it, for my sake and yours and anyone you know who is experiencing a loss. It's worth it.I had such a rough night last night and at first I thought it was the upcoming holiday (today) but quickly realized it was something else that triggered it. As some visitors were leaving in the early evening yesterday I noticed all of the frogs "singing" (it really sounds like a frog symphony, not just normal "ribbits"-it's awesome) from across the road in the pond. The last time I vividly remember that happening was probably in the late fall and Thomas and Caroline and I all sat on the front porch and enjoyed hearing the evening frogs' song.
How many million other moments will be like this for me? On the flip side of that (and also so I don't end this post on such a down note) what amazing plan does God have in mind for us that will help make sense for all the suffering?