Thursday, February 19, 2009


Honeymoon in Jamaica 2004

Two posts in one day seems necessary for me at this moment. I think partially because I can't stand posting with a picture to go along with it! Don't pictures speak a thousand words?
Getting the mail today I am so glad to see a couple of cards mixed in with my "paperwork" as I call it. It seems like whenever I open the "paperwork" it makes me re-live that day-January 5th, 2009-all over again. I am having a problem with that anyway. It seems like I go to bed thinking about the events of that day and I wake up around 4am each day doing the same thing. I have to consciously think about something else or pray. Sometimes I think about that morning and it feels like it had to have happened to someone else because it is to horrifying to think that it happened to me. I do remember in my fog of that morning how many people came to support me there in the ER. That was nice.
I feel like I'm rambling today.
I'm not quite through C.S. Lewis' book "A Grief Observed." (I'm not widely recommending this to everyone like "Tear Soup," but it has been really good for me as someone who lost a spouse after a relatively short marriage. We would have celebrated our 5th anniversary at the end of July. Although we dated for eightish years before that.) Anyway, it has really made me think about heaven and God in different ways. I've always heard about how great heaven is, but it must be incredible for Thomas to want to be there and not with Caroline, new baby and I. (Not that he had any choice of course.) I just can't imagine him not being sad being away from us. I would like to think about heaven as a place where time has no holds and so we are all there together already, but I also want to think of Thomas looking in on us so I don't know how that works. In the book I'm reading it says how different it must be in heaven because why would God take away what we already have and give it to us again in heaven. That makes perfect sense, but in my small brain--I want it to be the same, in some ways. I want us to be special to each other (as a husband and wife) and not love everyone equally as I have heard heaven explained to me. I know that must sound selfish, but that's how I feel.
I've said this a lot to my friends and family, but one of the million hard parts about this is how I used to feel like life is short, but now I feel like the next fifty years is an eternity. (I know I'm not even promised tomorrow-obviously-but I can't help but look down the road.) I'm already hit over and over at how commercials, school/education info, movies is aimed at "parents" plural. That's as it should be, of course, in a perfect world. It's just another constant reminder at how different we are now.
This all being said, I was thinking today-listening to the local christian radio station at how blessed I am to have found Christ and that He fills the hole left by Thomas. It still hurts, but I have the hope and faith that carries me through each day. I remember what that "hole" felt like before finding Jesus and it is such an awful place to be.
Thank you, Lord, for this day we, here on Earth, have together and for my children. I can say I am blessed.


  1. I feel very similar about heaven and curious about things. I want to keep my things to myself even in heaven. I want to adore my father the way I do, or how you said you want to love your husband more in heaven. I feel that way too. It's so hard to comprehend heaven and I guess its just another step of faith that God is so huge and so great we don't have to worry how heaven will be because God is perfect and so is His place in heaven!

    I've been following your story and just wanted to you know that I have been saying many prayers for you and your family!

  2. You are my friend and I love you. I think of you daily and pray for you and your sweet babies.

  3. You said "how blessed I am to have found Christ and that He fills the hole left by Thomas." That is exactly how God wants us to cling to Him!

    I pray that you continue to find healing, and the peace that surpasses all understanding. I know you are on a very very rough road, but I am so happy you are on this road with Jesus by your side. You are not alone.


  4. I understand so well what you are saying about wanting to be "special", to know your husband and wife in heaven. I have thought that same thing so many times. There are lots of parts of life that are hard here, but marriage has been a blessing...I want that to continue in heaven. And we really don't know what it will be like, so I am holding onto the hope it still might be like that OR it will be so very wonderful I won't know the difference. The book that changed my views of heaven a little is Deadline by Randy Alcorn. (I know he writes a lot about heaven in some nonfiction books but I haven't read those). It is a fiction book but it still made me think of heaven in a new way. Anyway, sending hugs your way.

  5. Bonnie,
    Do you realize how incredible it is that you can even have such a honest and grateful heart in the midst of your season of deep grief? What a blessing your words are to thosse who read them and mourn with you and for you, yet see the Lord working in you and raising you up despite what you have gone through.My prayers are still with you.

  6. My thoughts are with you. I'm so sorry you are experiencing this pain.

  7. This post really touched my heart in a million different ways. I am going to email you about the dream I had. I love you so much.

  8. Bonnie,
    Praying for you, Caroline & Sweet Baby #2 - I came across your blog recently and you'll continue to be in our daily family prayers.


  9. Bonnie-
    I prayed this for you today:
    Numbers 6:24
    The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face towards you and give you peace.

    You have caused me to realize how even the little things of life are viewed and are so difficult, when dealing with this type of loss.
    Thanks so much.
    Kelly in Michigan

  10. I love the picture. I remember sitting with you at school finishing some project that we had before both of our weddings that summer. I can't remember what it was, I just remember working on it. I have such mixed emotions about heaven as well. I know it will be wonderful, but i can't imagine what it will be like and why it can't be me and my little family together like it is here on earth. I want to praise and rejoice with my Heavenly Father, but I just don't understand how it is all going to work. I do believe that Thomas is looking down on you and that he is with you. I don't know how he is not sad as well, except that his God is right there to hold him and lead him through this just as He is here on earth with you. I think it is amazing that you are able to express how Christ is filling the void that Thomas left behind. How marvelous that you know Him and love Him. I can't imagine a life without Him to bring us through the hard times. Continue to hold on to Christ and those sweet babies. You are an inspiration to so many people. I can't help but feel that you and your story are leading people to Christ. You are showing so many how God's love covers all things even in the hardest of times. I love you Bonnie. I wish I was closer to hug you and cry with you in person and help you with just the daily things. Still praying daily!

  11. Hi Bonnie,

    I've been following your blog for the past month, and I was delighted to read your two entries today. While you're obviously still trying to sort through all this and are taking it day by day, it's amazing to see how closely you're walking with the Lord through all this. I just read in my devotion yesterday morning that He is the God of all comfort and He has certainly proved Himself in that sense with you, hasn't He? I just want to applaud you SO MUCH for allowing God to begin to fill up the hole that formed in your heart the day last month you lost your sweet husband. I'm sure you don't feel positive all the time, and that's perfectly fine, but it's great to see that in such a short time, the hope that we have in Jesus Christ is shining through you. I will continue to pray for you and your precious daughter and baby.

    On another note, I read "A Grief Observed" by C.S. Lewis a few months ago, and it was a very powerful book. His emotions in it were so RAW. I think that's why it made such an impression on me. It definitely gave me some food for thouht.

    In Him,
    Sarah Walker

  12. i love you and love your honesty! you are absolutely amazing and i am honored to be your friend.
    still praying, always will!

  13. Bonnie,

    Tara pointed me & her other readers in the direction of your blog; and your story. We've never met and it's unlikely that we ever will, but I wanted to add my voice to the many to say that I care and will pray. I am so encouraged to see that you have so many people around you to lift you up as you walk through this. You are not alone - God is with you and will continue to be; and He is showing up in the people who love you. Thank you SO much for your willingness to be vulnerable. Continue to bring your voice, cares, and thoughts to Christ first, and know that He is working in you and through you - far beyond what you'll know.


  14. Bonnie,

    Trying to send you love and prayers. We haven't met, but may someday (since I live in Tontitown and work in Fayetteville). I pray for your peace and love you in Christ, a way that only he can supply. How else do we love strangers? I want you to know that I worry a lot about losing my husband. I am 26, and he is 44. It is simply my fear of the future. I feel Jesus say to me, though,not to worry. I understand what you mean, though, about Heaven. I want so much to be Mike's wife in Heaven. Earth just doesn't seem enough. I don't know what Heaven will be like. I do know, though, that whatever it is like will be all that your heart could possibly desire. I guess this is rambling. I just want you to know that even those of us who haven't met you are praying.


  15. I know your dad and am Lesli Browns sister in law. I am so sorry for your loss. You are such a strong person. Everyone I know that has blogs in Fort Smith follows your story and believes you are an unbelievably strong person due to your faith. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
    Rachel Brown

  16. I found your blog through my friend Kristina's. I have been reading and praying for you. You are such an awesome testimony to our Lord! So many questions and emotions, yet you continue to look to God. Just know even strangers are praying for you and your babies.

  17. Just want you to know you are still in my prayers. laurie

  18. Hi, I have looked at your blog a few times and just now dropping in. We have some things in common. I was 11 weeks pregnant when I lost my Mom and best friend. I also had a busy 2 year old. To add to things, I then lost my Dad when my baby girl was only 4 weeks old. Anyway after your post on Heaven and struggling with the exact same thoughts I thought I would possibly share a few things that have helped me through the rollercoaster of grief I am continuing to ride. I also liked the Tear Soup book and Randy Acorns Book Heaven for Kids. There is also an adult book but I could only get through the kids version. It helped me answer some of the questions I had on heaven in a basic way and helped me know how to answer questions for my girls as well. I also started getting daily emails or devotions from a site called they also have support groups available. You can go to the site to look up some of the details. I cannot imagine what you are going through in losing a husband,I am not trying to be pushy only helpful if needed. I will continue to pray for you,Caroline, and your new baby. Elizabeth

  19. That is such a sweet picture of you and your husband.
    Just wanted to stop by and say hi and see how you are doing. Hope the morning sickness has passed.

  20. I just felt the urge to come over here and let you know that I am thinking of you often and I am praying for you and yours. laurie

  21. I just wanted you to know that this morning I am sitting here and praying for you.

  22. Bonnie,

    I just came across your blog yesterday; and between yesterday and today, I've gone back through all your archives and read everything you've written.

    My heart goes out to you! I don't even know how to express my feelings, but I am so very sorry that this happened to you...but also inspired by your trust in God in one of the worst situations possible.

    I appreciate your honesty, about both the good and the bad. I hope you continue to have "safe" places to express your grief and gain comfort.

    I knew the end of the story before I read the beginning; but as I went back through your archives, I was struck by what an immense treasure it is for both you and Caroline. So many wonderful pictures of your family together, especially Caroline and her daddy. So many precious memories and expressions of love. What a blessing for her to ALWAYS know how much her daddy loved and adored her.

    It made me think about your new baby and how special it will be to him/her to know that Thomas knew you were pregnant and that another precious child was on the way! I wonder if you've been able to journal about that at all. Do you have some kind of record for the new baby about his/her daddy's response to the pregnancy?

    I am going to add you to my blogroll so that I will be reminded of you and your family and will CONTINUE to pray for you in the days and weeks and months to come.

    I wish there was more I could do...

    With deep respect,

  23. I found your blog from your friend Tara's blog. I think of you often and pray for you -- I cannot even begin to fathom what you are going through.
    I understand to a very small extent what you mean about heaven; my grandfather died a year ago. I called him when he was in the ICU to tell him that he was going to be a great-grandfather. He died 2 weeks later. When I called my grandma to tell her that I was having a girl, she said, "Oh, Grandpa will be so excited" and it sounded so right to me. I've said to my mom "I have no idea if my theology is wrong in this area, but frankly I don't care. I believe that Grandpa knows that Brooklyn is here with us now." I miss him so much and often think "I'll call Grandpa to tell him what Brooklyn did today" and then am so sad when I realize I can't -- it's a small comfort to believe that he knows what's happening in our lives, even as he's in heaven.
    Again, my theology may be way off, but I just don't care in this instance -- I believe that Thomas knows what's happening with you, Caroline, and your sweet baby. And I believe that as he sits in heaven with our God, he will say to God "Please watch over my sweet, dear family" and I believe that God will respond "I am, I am."

  24. I am in a very similar situation as you husband died January 6th of this year. He was 33 and we have two little boys, seven and five. My email is if you want to connect.

    Karen Carpenter
    Tuscaloosa, Alabama

  25. Dear Bonnie,

    I came across your blog today for the first time. Your family's story breaks my heart and I will be praying for you, Caroline and your little munchkin #2. I can't even imagine what you are going through but am grateful to know you have a strong support system in your family, faith and friends. May everyone's prayers continue to lift you up and God bless your husband.


  26. The picture is beautiful, and you both look so happy. I often think about what Heaven is like.

  27. Praise God death doesn't have the last say!! Thank you for your thoughts on heaven. I think about it all the time too, since losing our little boy. All I want to play on the piano are songs about heaven.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers DAILY. God bless!


  28. just checking in to let you know that I am still praying for you and hope that you are well....update soon:):):)

  29. Your blog brings me to tears each time I read it. We are praying for you in Georgia too! I like what you wrote about Heaven. I always wonder the same things. I don't want things to be different either. It is hard to wrap my head around how it will be. I think the mystery is there for a reason. Thomas loves you so much and that has not changed, I can guarantee it.

  30. Bonnie,
    I am a friend of Tara's and our family will continue to keep your family lifted up in prayer just like we do for Tara. God is good and I am thankful he put both of you in each others lives.Jessica N.

  31. Praying so much for you and for your family...

  32. Bonnie: I have been praying for you, Caroline and baby 2 since day one of your tragedy. I learned of this through Keisha and Allen Newberry. Allen is my Grandson. I knew your father-in-law when he worked at SEMMC in Ft. Smith. Skipper went to school with my youngest daughter. I am also a widow; it will take you years to be able to say that word aloud. You must be a very special lady for God to know you can withstand such trials. His Grace is so very marvelous, isn't it? Keisha has told me about your recent problems with your pregnancy; I will pray specifically for that. My pastor laughs at me because I keep my pray
    list on the frig. It is a perfect place for it though because many times a day I go there and several people are prayed for as I read the names off. One thing someone said to me when my husband died was, "Doesn't heaven seem closer?"
    (He had lost a son). As I thought of it I realized it really did; because some one I love unconditionally was there.
    My prayers are with you daily.
    Sarah Weller (Fort Smith)

  33. I just found your blog through Angie at Bring the Rain, and I am so sorry for your loss.

    When I think of heaven, I think the same thing- how could it be perfect without the marriage relationship - the closest relationship on earth?

    But in praying about it, God reminded me that in Heaven, we will be HIS bride, and He will fill all of our needs, so our relationships with others will be sweet and perfect, but different than an earthly marriage- completely Christ-centered.

  34. Boonie here is the link to our family blog
    I have enjoyed keeping up with you through your blog. Hope your doing well.