Sunday, May 17, 2009

I'm firing myself

Crawford, Bailey and Caroline in a box. Boxes are way more fun than any toy you can buy!
Tara always does special things for Caroline when she comes. She brought flower stickers to paint onto Caroline's nails.
Caroline was very serious about not touching or messing them up. She sat like this for at least five minutes straight.

So, like I said in the last post--it has been a week! Very high 'highs'-having fun with Bailey and Crawford for a week and finally getting to meet Jett and then by the end of the week some lows.

Shortly after introducing Caroline to Jett (See post below this one!) I got a mild sore throat that turned into a full-fledged sore throat and fever (no worries-I did not touch Jett that morning!!) It is awful being sick. It is awful not being able to talk or play with your two year old when you are sick and it is even more awful when you start to feel sorry for yourself. (Blessedly, Caroline's grandparents Bill and Tracy showed up at my door right when I was starting to feel desperate! They took care of us both all night and day. God knew I needed them right at that moment!! Hallelujah! My mom switched off with them and she is taking care of us now!)

I think the events of the week caught up to me right when my fever hit. I know very well that the loss and grief I am going through will be closer at times than at others. I am also very well aware that God chose to reveal a lot to me about a week ago-right when He knew I would need it to draw on in the upcoming days. It's so nice that He cares enough to prepare us even without us knowing we are going to need it.
I finally broke down and decided to read William P Young's "The Shack" (along with the other 2 million people who have already done so!) I resisted it for a long time because it just sounded sad and I am not into "sad" stuff right now-I've had enough of it to last a lifetime. I can't remember why exactly, but I decided it was time. If it really was that good, I must read it.
Let me get to the point. (Disclaimer: I understand that it is Christian fiction, but I got a lot out of reading it.) A lot of those "hard" questions that are asked by all of us during and after tragedies are brought up and "answered" in this book. I never felt the need to blame God for what has happened to us, but I have thought about how He could have stopped this from happening to us and He didn't. This book helped me understand that "bigger picture" that I keep trying to focus on to make sense of what has happened. I think everyone should read it.Then Thursday night we had our next video on Esther. God knew I needed this message, too. Beth Moore said toward the end of the video that we are to fire ourselves from trying to figure out how things are supposed to happen. That the "how" of life and what is to happen in the future is not for us to figure out. That God figures out how it will happen. We just have to be faithful and willing to let God do it.
I was all ears for that. I have been thinking about so many "hows" lately. How am I supposed to not cry through the whole birth of our baby boy? How will I stand it that Thomas is not the one driving us home from the hospital? How am I supposed to raise two children to be the fulfilled, productive Christian citizens of the world that Thomas and I had prayed and dreamed about??...I could keep going, but you get the idea.
I felt very freed by Beth's words "Fire yourself from the 'how!' I do not have to know how. I just have to trust. Right now, that is a big burden lifted from my shoulders. God knows 'how' all my questions and concerns will be answered even though I can't imagine at this point "how" that will be!
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9


  1. I just found your blog last night, and let me say, I am so sorry. I lost my husband March 4, 2009, also in a sudden tragic accident. I have 2 small children (4 and 6). I am feeling your pain with you, and praying for you, for both of us to make it through the tragic, hideously unfair loss of someone so important to our lives.
    God bless you and your family.
    We will make it!

  2. I love this post Bonnie! I am so happy that you read The Shack, too. I hope that it helped you. I agree that it certainly makes you step back and look at the big picture in life. That's why I thought it was such a great book.

    P.S. I did a little self-firing this weekend too. Feels good!

  3. I also love this post Bonnie, what a great message. I know that God will carry you through each 'impossible' moment as he has thus far. I also know that you have many friends and family asking God to do just that. Caroline is SO cute! I loved the picture of her holding her 'sticker fingers' still, reminds me so much of Adalyn! Cant wait for them to meet someday.

  4. I'm so glad you had family to help. Caroline is precious. We pray for you often.


  5. I have just recently found your blog....and I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine your hurt....your story is one that any wife to a wonderful husband would never want to endure. But as you said in your last post, we have to remember that God is faithful in all circumstances and we must trust Him even when it almost seems impossible. I would be asking all of the same questions if it were a matter of fact, I'm asking them for you...bless your heart....mine just goes out to you in such a huge way. You and your sweet Caroline, and your baby boy have been on my mind and in my prayers so much lately. I look up to you in the sense that your words are so still can give God the glory even in the worst circumstances. You are a true example of one who leans on the Heavenly Father for strength, perseverance,and hope. There is a song that was sung last Sunday at church and some of the lyrics are..." He never promised that the cross would not get heavy, or the hill would not be hard to climb.....but He said help would surely come in time....just remember when you are standing in the valley and the adversary says 'give in'....just hold on.....cause my God will show up! and He will take you through the fire again." Thank you for your words of encouragement....even in the midst of tragedy, the Lord is allowing you to minister to others....I bet you didn't think that would be the case at the moment that tragedy struck. I am a nurse, who works very closely with newborns....I wish you the very best with your delivery. I know you can't wait to see that bundle of joy that is a part of you and your beloved husband. What a absolute miracle!!

    Abundant blessings to you and your sweet kids~~

    From Baton Rouge, Louisiana

  6. I love what you said about "firing yourself"... Beth Moore is so awesome, isn't she? You continue to amaze me in so many ways... I'm so glad Jett arrived safely. I will be praying that your throat gets better soon, since I know you are dying to "squeeze" him up a storm! I didn't comment on the potty-training post, but I am so impressed with Caroline- you know the issues we've had with Ms. H. Maybe Caroline can come train her :) Love you!

  7. I read your blog and enjoy it - would do do me a favor and read this article about the Shack? Every discerning Christian needs to be informed.

  8. Hi Bonnie. Thank you for sharing your post today...think of you and Caroline often, hoping you are doing well. Hope you fell better soon. Sharon

  9. I want to thank you for all of your comments! What great friends I have in you guys to encourage me to speak my mind and knowing you all are praying for me seriously gets me through each day.

    Yedidyah-Thank you for your comment and link. I read the article and I agree. Liberty is taken within The Shack to portray the fictional characters. I think as any discerning Christian we always need to base our beliefs on the bible and nothing else. I still think there is a merit in The Shack to reading it-I disregard any thing that the author writes that I do not believe is backed up in the bible (which I think we need to do with anything we read or hear regarding God) and I enjoyed the parts where the author elaborated on his ideas/interpretations of scriptures through the use of the characters in his book. Thanks for your input!

  10. We are not responsible for the "how" life works out. We are responsible for the "What." I loved being in this small group. I save those little sayings Beth says in my text draft box on my phone. Because you know how I love to go to that text box :)

  11. I've been lurking around here for a couple months, and am finally posting a comment! I love your blog, love your attitude about God and life, and pray for you and your children every time I read one of your posts. Blessings to you!

  12. Amen and amen to letting God work the how. The whole Esther study has brought you to mind. I hope you can feel all the mini prayers going up for you when your sisters are doing the study. Yeah for firing ourselves! Denise

  13. Amen and amen to letting God work the how. The whole Esther study has brought you to mind. I hope you can feel all the mini prayers going up for you when your sisters are doing the study. Yeah for firing ourselves! Denise

  14. Thank you so much for writing this - I need to fire myself as well- I had a difficult time emotionally adjusting when I had my son (my first), so now that I'm expecting again, I'm excited, but I've been kind of nervous just thinking about it (and he/she doesn't arrive till December!), but I really appreciated this reminder to let God be in charge. Thank you so much for sharing.

  15. Thank you for sharing this Bonnie. I think we can all use a reminder that He has is all under control, even when we can seem to wrap our minds around how.

    Caroline gets more beautiful everyday and Jett is precious! Please give them both a big squeeze for me (I know you already have). :)

    Love you so much Bon! -Ashley

  16. Dear Bonnie, First of all: CONGRATULATIONS on your precious nephew! He's a doll and I'm so happy for your family. I know you're all having such fun with all these babies. I love watching my kids play with their little friends and cousins. It's like they are in their own world, and I can only watch and try to guess what they're saying to each other. it's such a blessing. I loved the pic of Caroline and her newly painted nails. She's such a big girl. Ava also likes to get hers done, she sits in a chair with her feet propped up on a stool. Isabel patiently waits and when big sister's done, she gets in the chair and puts her little feet up for me to paint! I know you'll love having two. I am so excited you're having a boy. I love his name. How special! I think of you often and miss you. Love ya, Carmen