I'm firing myself

Crawford, Bailey and Caroline in a box. Boxes are way more fun than any toy you can buy!
Tara always does special things for Caroline when she comes. She brought flower stickers to paint onto Caroline's nails.
Caroline was very serious about not touching or messing them up. She sat like this for at least five minutes straight.


So, like I said in the last post--it has been a week! Very high 'highs'-having fun with Bailey and Crawford for a week and finally getting to meet Jett and then by the end of the week some lows.

Shortly after introducing Caroline to Jett (See post below this one!) I got a mild sore throat that turned into a full-fledged sore throat and fever (no worries-I did not touch Jett that morning!!) It is awful being sick. It is awful not being able to talk or play with your two year old when you are sick and it is even more awful when you start to feel sorry for yourself. (Blessedly, Caroline's grandparents Bill and Tracy showed up at my door right when I was starting to feel desperate! They took care of us both all night and day. God knew I needed them right at that moment!! Hallelujah! My mom switched off with them and she is taking care of us now!)

I think the events of the week caught up to me right when my fever hit. I know very well that the loss and grief I am going through will be closer at times than at others. I am also very well aware that God chose to reveal a lot to me about a week ago-right when He knew I would need it to draw on in the upcoming days. It's so nice that He cares enough to prepare us even without us knowing we are going to need it.
I finally broke down and decided to read William P Young's "The Shack" (along with the other 2 million people who have already done so!) I resisted it for a long time because it just sounded sad and I am not into "sad" stuff right now-I've had enough of it to last a lifetime. I can't remember why exactly, but I decided it was time. If it really was that good, I must read it.
Let me get to the point. (Disclaimer: I understand that it is Christian fiction, but I got a lot out of reading it.) A lot of those "hard" questions that are asked by all of us during and after tragedies are brought up and "answered" in this book. I never felt the need to blame God for what has happened to us, but I have thought about how He could have stopped this from happening to us and He didn't. This book helped me understand that "bigger picture" that I keep trying to focus on to make sense of what has happened. I think everyone should read it.Then Thursday night we had our next video on Esther. God knew I needed this message, too. Beth Moore said toward the end of the video that we are to fire ourselves from trying to figure out how things are supposed to happen. That the "how" of life and what is to happen in the future is not for us to figure out. That God figures out how it will happen. We just have to be faithful and willing to let God do it.
I was all ears for that. I have been thinking about so many "hows" lately. How am I supposed to not cry through the whole birth of our baby boy? How will I stand it that Thomas is not the one driving us home from the hospital? How am I supposed to raise two children to be the fulfilled, productive Christian citizens of the world that Thomas and I had prayed and dreamed about??...I could keep going, but you get the idea.
I felt very freed by Beth's words "Fire yourself from the 'how!' I do not have to know how. I just have to trust. Right now, that is a big burden lifted from my shoulders. God knows 'how' all my questions and concerns will be answered even though I can't imagine at this point "how" that will be!
"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways And My thoughts than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9