So I left everyone hanging in my last post with the prayer request about my second glucose test. Well, I found out (finally) Tuesday that I failed. Not terribly, but enough that they are sending me tomorrow for a three hour gestational diabetes training (meaning: how to change my diet and how to prick my finger for blood sugar counting several times a day.) Anyone who knows me, knows that I have, in the past, passed out when having to give blood, go for a TB test or anything else that has to do with needles-so you can imagine how thrilled I am about this. After having Caroline, I have become SO much better with needles and I can honestly say that I will be able to do it. I am also ready to be a healthier eater (I did not think I was that bad to begin with, but of course, I could use improvement.)
As much as the bible says, not to worry, it is way easier to read, than it is to live by it.
I think what is hard about having this diagnosis is that it is just another worry. Having this happen has just brought up a lot of feelings that I haven't explored in a while. I knew I would face challenges without Thomas-I just didn't expect it so soon. It feels really lonely-even with tons of family and friends willing to help how ever they can. It just doesn't feel the void I feel right now.(Caroline and Aly at the Aquatic Center-They had a blast!)
I'm just tired. I feel like I'm being beaten while I'm down. I also realize that God must see the need to refine me some more--it makes me nervous to think about what is coming that I'm going to need to be so strong for; I know it doesn't do any good to borrow trouble from the future, but it makes me wonder...
In bible class tonight we talked about praying the Psalms-oh how I relate to so many of them now. I am happy to say that I can be angry, upset or questioning of God, but underneath all of that I know without a doubt that God loves me and I love Him. It is comforting to see David-a man after God's own heart-have similar feelings to me and not feel ashamed to yell them at God. God can take it-even when I don't have the words, just the emotions.
Thanks for any prayers you can send my way as I am tested, yet again, with this new challenge and as we have a really hard grief group meeting tomorrow evening as well. It will be a long day.
(Caroline is really interested in money right now-notice her little purse. We were on our way to the Farmers' Market. She ate about a bag of blueberries by the end of the day!)As a side note: Every time I look at Caroline or think about her and her baby brother, Thomas, it makes me feel like I can do it. I can live this life that has been given to me-I just need to focus on how to be the best mommy and Christian example I can be.
Love you all!