The day of diabetes training was really great overall. I realized why I have felt like I haven't had any energy (low blood sugar-not eating enough!) and the best thing I heard was that I did nothing to cause this. I didn't realize I was beating myself up a little about having this diagnosis until the nurse told me that. It isn't anything I've done! It's just the way my body is handling this pregnancy. She also told me that it will go away immediately after birth (even though in my research I've read there is a chance it will still be there--Google can be a good and bad thing for people!) I am confident that baby Thomas and I will be fine. My numbers have been looking good and I really do feel better now that I am making sure I eat more often and watch portion sizes and carbs. Thank you for your (continued) prayers and encouragement from those of you who have been through this during your pregnancies. It has all helped me so much these last few days.
I feel like I'm continually telling you to pray for this or that, but it helps me so much-I am going to keep it up-
This weekend is, of course, the fourth of July, another holiday without Thomas. I didn't post about Father's day. We got through it-we even went to church. I tuned out most of what was said and tried not to listen when I heard people wishing each other a happy father's day and talking about family plans. I didn't do anything particularly special to commemorate it. Caroline and I talked about some fun things that we three used to do together and I did get to visit with Thomas' parents which always makes me feel a little closer to him.
Anyway, not only is this another holiday, but Sunday is the sixth month mark of him being in heaven. I am really trying to let the 5th of each month go by without dwelling on it to much, but when I thought about this one being the half of a year mark it was a shock. How in the world has it been half a year?!!!! Half of a year since I last told him I loved him to his face? Half of a year since he kissed Caroline good night?? I guess everyone is right, life really does go on-whether you want it to or not. I told Becky the other night how since I am still pregnant it feels like I am closer to him, but realizing I only have a matter of weeks left scares me a lot (of course I can't wait to meet baby Thomas,) but that means I will be a completely different person in different circumstances than when I last saw Thomas. I don't know if any of this is making sense.
The two grief workshops I went to in the last four days has taught me some things:
- Grief shared (with others,) is grief diminished. (Strange how I am finding this to be true just by the few meetings I've been to so far.)
- I will never, ever, be the same person again that I was.
- Sitting through a painful memory or moment or song isn't going to kill me.
- Letting myself feel it or go through it, without putting up my trusty "wall," will help me to grow. That experience will only feel painful in that exact way, only that one time. The next time that moment, memory, song etc. happens, the grief/pain will be different-perhaps, lessened. Then eventually it can become just a bittersweet moment or, even a sweet memory, (instead of gut-wrenching!)
- There are so many people grieving, but they put on a "happy" face to live in the world. Sometimes it is for themselves, and sometimes it is for everyone else around them.
- It is okay that I haven't moved any of Thomas' clothing or shoes or shaving stuff.
- I am so thankful I have God and an amazing network of family and friends to help me on this journey. I see the difference in how non-Christians grieve or those without a support system like I have.
I pray everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday with their families this weekend. Don't take a holiday or a moment for granted.