Sunday, June 28, 2009

Sore Fingers

Oh, How I love this little girl!!!!!

As I type this I am being careful with my right pinky finger, as that was the last lucky finger to be pricked for getting my blood sugar count. As the title of this post tells you, I have sore fingers. They are actually bruised from the four times a day pricking. Yuck. (It probaby wouldn't have been so bad, but I had to do it five times yesterday morning to get the thing to work right. I have received advice and hopefully that will not ever happen again!) I can't help but think that Thomas would be so amazed and happy that I am able to do this!
The day of diabetes training was really great overall. I realized why I have felt like I haven't had any energy (low blood sugar-not eating enough!) and the best thing I heard was that I did nothing to cause this. I didn't realize I was beating myself up a little about having this diagnosis until the nurse told me that. It isn't anything I've done! It's just the way my body is handling this pregnancy. She also told me that it will go away immediately after birth (even though in my research I've read there is a chance it will still be there--Google can be a good and bad thing for people!) I am confident that baby Thomas and I will be fine. My numbers have been looking good and I really do feel better now that I am making sure I eat more often and watch portion sizes and carbs. Thank you for your (continued) prayers and encouragement from those of you who have been through this during your pregnancies. It has all helped me so much these last few days.
I feel like I'm continually telling you to pray for this or that, but it helps me so much-I am going to keep it up-
This weekend is, of course, the fourth of July, another holiday without Thomas. I didn't post about Father's day. We got through it-we even went to church. I tuned out most of what was said and tried not to listen when I heard people wishing each other a happy father's day and talking about family plans. I didn't do anything particularly special to commemorate it. Caroline and I talked about some fun things that we three used to do together and I did get to visit with Thomas' parents which always makes me feel a little closer to him.
Anyway, not only is this another holiday, but Sunday is the sixth month mark of him being in heaven. I am really trying to let the 5th of each month go by without dwelling on it to much, but when I thought about this one being the half of a year mark it was a shock. How in the world has it been half a year?!!!! Half of a year since I last told him I loved him to his face? Half of a year since he kissed Caroline good night?? I guess everyone is right, life really does go on-whether you want it to or not. I told Becky the other night how since I am still pregnant it feels like I am closer to him, but realizing I only have a matter of weeks left scares me a lot (of course I can't wait to meet baby Thomas,) but that means I will be a completely different person in different circumstances than when I last saw Thomas. I don't know if any of this is making sense.
The two grief workshops I went to in the last four days has taught me some things:
  • Grief shared (with others,) is grief diminished. (Strange how I am finding this to be true just by the few meetings I've been to so far.)
  • I will never, ever, be the same person again that I was.
  • Sitting through a painful memory or moment or song isn't going to kill me.
  • Letting myself feel it or go through it, without putting up my trusty "wall," will help me to grow. That experience will only feel painful in that exact way, only that one time. The next time that moment, memory, song etc. happens, the grief/pain will be different-perhaps, lessened. Then eventually it can become just a bittersweet moment or, even a sweet memory, (instead of gut-wrenching!)
  • There are so many people grieving, but they put on a "happy" face to live in the world. Sometimes it is for themselves, and sometimes it is for everyone else around them.
  • It is okay that I haven't moved any of Thomas' clothing or shoes or shaving stuff.
  • I am so thankful I have God and an amazing network of family and friends to help me on this journey. I see the difference in how non-Christians grieve or those without a support system like I have.
One of the grief workshops that I attended was presented by ARORA (Arkansas Regional Organ Recovery Agency) After learning so much from them this weekend, I want to encourage everyone to become an organ donor by simply stating it on your driver's license (also tell your family about your wishes.) Thomas and I actually had a conversation about it years ago, so we knew each other's wishes. It is a simple thing to do that can save or improve another person's life (actually one donor can help up to fifty people!) It is a comfort to know that Thomas was able to help out several other people by his willingness to give.
I pray everyone has a safe and wonderful holiday with their families this weekend. Don't take a holiday or a moment for granted.


  1. i love you bonnie! i am so proud of you for going to grief share and am encouraged that it is already resulting in growth and healing for you. as your friend, i sometimes feel helpless with my inability to completely understand what you are going through and comfort you during this painful journey. so it's comforting to know that you have a safe place to go where people are trained, both professionally and biblically, to help you with your grief.
    i cannot believe how well you are doing with the finger pricking and blood checking! i know you and that is HUGE!!
    you are, and always will be, in my prayers :)

  2. Hi Bonnie. I'm so glad to hear that you're feeling better, despite the sore fingers. Ouch. I've been praying for you throughout these past months and will remember you often in the days ahead.


  3. I'm glad you have been going to grief workshops!! You are such a strong person, but sounds like you are preparing for the changes ahead.

    I'm sorry about the diabetes...I'm still praying for you. I had gestational diabetes in 4 of 5 pregnancies and never had it after a pregnancy. Have you asked about testing your blood anyplace besides your fingers??

    Thank you for sharing your life. You are really a source of encouragement for me and alot of other people.


    Kim Butler

  4. I've been lurking for a while and decided to post a comment tonight. You seem to be doing incredibly well. We are dealing with anticipatory grief of losing my boyfriend's father. Those points that you listed, I forwarded them on to him. Thank you (from both of us).

    Just keep trying to rotate your fingers, I am sorry they are sore. I cannot believe you had to stick yourself 5 times to get a reading...I hope you've remedied that for good. Ouch!

    :) I hope you and that baby girl keep a smile on your face and in your hearts.

  5. That was really encouraging to me, but I find it so hard to know that I won't be the same person again..not that i loved myself so much then, ha ha. but it just loudens the fact that my life was shaken so intensely...and I still can't believe it. We just need to trust that God is molding us into the woman he wants..and that will be beautiful. love you so so much!

  6. Bonnie, I read always and sometimes comment, but always thinking and praying for you and Caroline and Baby Thomas. I'm so glad to read that your tests #'s are getting better and pray that once you deliver Baby Thomas it will go away. I'm glad that the grief sessions are helping you already. Sending you hugs and keeping you and the kiddo's in my prayers!

  7. Hi Bonnie! You have no clue who I am but I have read your blog since shortly after your husbands passing. Reba Cloud posted about it then on her blog and I continue to visit often. I wanted to ease your fears a little about the Diabetes. I had horrible Gestational Diabetes with my pregnancy (ended up on high doses of Insulin). I will tell you for me it took about 4 weeks for my blood sugar levels to return to a constant state. My OB said it was just everything in my body getting sorted out. That was 21 months ago and everything is still fine! I hope that this helps ease a little worry for you!


  8. I love your posts Bonnie and am so proud of how real you are being with everyone about what you are going through. You've never been a fake person, but I know sometimes it can feel easier to just pretend things are fine. I can't believe it's been 1/2 a year either. You have grown so much and are probably stronger than you ever knew you could be (especially with the introduction of pricking your fingers -without passing out every time. ha!). I have been and will continue to pray for your entire family, but I just wanted you to know how thankful I am for you and how proud I am of you. You are a walking testament to God's power.


  9. i was diabetic with my 3rd child and it went away at delivery. 10 yrs later it came, type 2. i was 43 at the time i was diagnosed. the dr said i did a good job keeping it "at bay" for 10 years. the only piece of advice that i can give you is to stay on the diet as much as you can, even after the baby is born. and exercise, that's a huge thing in keeping it at bay. watch your weight, diet and exercise...maybe it won't come back at all!! in hindsight, i wish i had done that!!!!

  10. Bonnie,

    If your not, try using the sides of your finges NOT your finger tips. Also, discuss with your doctor about using your forearm for testing (that's what my dad does). As long as you pick one or the other and keep going with that method you should get accurate results.

    I am so sorry for your loss Bonnie. You are so strong. I am sure your faith has a lot to do with it.

    Jodi in IL

  11. I know the six month anniversary wasn't easy for me...Brad died January 6th, so I'm sure it was hard for you too. Hope you feel a comfort surrounding you.


  12. As the leader of a support group for parents who have suffered the death of a baby, I know without a doubt that sharing your grief is so helpful. I think of you often and keep you in my prayers. Thomas is so proud of your strength! You are a great mother and I can't wait to see pictures of your precious son. Take care!

  13. Hi bonnie -
    I think of you often and hope all is well.
    Another blog I read is written by a woman who unexpectedly also lost her husband 6 months ago. I thought maybe you both would find some peace in reading one anothers blog. I left your blog site on a comment page on her blog as well too.

  14. You may already know this but there are many machines out now that will allow you to prick from almost anywhere, not just fingers. (up the arm, etc.) I know from my time with gestational diabetes (my doctor made me do 7x a day!) how quickly my fingers got sore like you said, so this helped. I have two siblings who are juvenile-onset diabetes and have been doing this for the past 20+ years since they were ages 7 and 11, and pricking from other places really helps. I think they have permanently lost a lot of sensation in their fingertips b/c of all the testing.

    Anyway, just thought you could check it out with the machine you have or with your diabetes center on doing that to save your fingers!!! We don't want you to have any excuse not to blog and keep us updated!!! :)))

    Praying for you and your children,
    a friend in Indiana

  15. I was thinking about you today and wanted to say hello. My prayers include you and your precious children. Can't wait to see pictures of your baby boy!

  16. Hi Bonnie- I can't even remember how I find your blog, but have been reading for awhile. I wanted to share a little secret with you that was an amazing help to me while pregnant. I have type 1 diabetes, a bit different than GD, but similar in ways. I found the forum at to be a lifesaver. I couldn't have gotten through my pregnancy without it. Praying for you!