It's official: I want off

Four generations on Fourth of July Weekend

I can't believe how long it has been since my last blog entry. I have written several in my head, but have not had the overwhelming desire to post an entry until today. It has been a while since I've had several "bad" days in a row and now that is has been more than several days, I have decided that I want off this roller coaster. Not that I ever really wanted to stay on it, but I was riding it up and down and doing what I could to make the best of it. That was then. Now I want off of it.
I'm not sure what exactly, if anything, spurred these feelings I've had lately. I know that it was a shock to my system to realize that is is truly the month of July. What?? Every time I write a check I have to stop and think hard about the date because every time I almost write a '1" (january) for the date. It's like I have been living, but not really been alive for the last six months.
I've stayed really busy and have had made lots of fun memories with Caroline, but still--I am in total shock that Caroline is 2 1/2, I'm 30 1/2 and we are well on our way through the year. It just doesn't seem right.
I think I have been in shock and denial this whole time and it is finally sinking in that he isn't coming back. I hate it.
I hate that I will never be the same. I really am not sure who I am yet. When you spend about half of your life with someone and then they are gone, who in the world are you then?
I have learned so much about God, love, life, death, grief, friendship, faith etc., but how am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life?
I know the answer, and truly believe, I will be fulfilled by drawing closer to Christ, but it isn't an easy road.
I know this post is a downer, but I just need to get it off my chest. I appreciate all of your prayers during this 'down' time.

At our grief group last week we saw an interesting grief line graph. It had the ups and downs you go through in grief plotted on the graph. What was encouraging is that each time it goes down, it isn't as "low" as the one before it. So I guess I have to stay "on" this ride and see it through.Caroline is a very patriotic girl. Here she is with two flags on the 4th!

Caroline details:

I can't believe how amazing this little girl is. Every day I am truly excited to get to her room and share the day with her. She is so sweet, polite, funny and smart. She's really into counting objects (anything! Mail, food, people, books etc.) She can count up to 14 great and then gets stuck on it until I help with 15 and then she can usually get to 20 on her own.
She's known all her colors for a long time and she knows her shapes. She can name about ten letters of the alphabet when she sees them and she can recognize (when I ask her to point to a specific letter more.)
Her favorite books right now are "Good Morning, Good Night" and "The Very Busy Spider" which she can recite by herself.
We read several stories before nap and bedtime including her bible story every night. She is also excited about getting a prize at the library for completing her reading log!
We've found out that she is allergic to cashews and mosquitoes. Hurray for Epi pens.
She likes to make jokes and non-sense words and loves it when I laugh hard at them.
Her favorite VBS song is "I Wish I Had a Little Red Box." So cute.
She sleeps in her big girl bed so well and I don't take that for granted (as well as her continued success from training herself to potty.)
When we get in the car she likes to tell me "Green means go, yellow means slow down and red means stop!" (It's good to have the reminder.)
She clears her own dishes and puts them in the sink for me.
She scraped up a knee and elbow yesterday and did not shed a tear. She laughed when we put peroxide on it. (I would have cried-it looked painful.)
When I say, "I love you" she says "I love you too, mommy." I am so blessed.