Tuesday, July 14, 2009

It's official: I want off

Four generations on Fourth of July Weekend

I can't believe how long it has been since my last blog entry. I have written several in my head, but have not had the overwhelming desire to post an entry until today. It has been a while since I've had several "bad" days in a row and now that is has been more than several days, I have decided that I want off this roller coaster. Not that I ever really wanted to stay on it, but I was riding it up and down and doing what I could to make the best of it. That was then. Now I want off of it.
I'm not sure what exactly, if anything, spurred these feelings I've had lately. I know that it was a shock to my system to realize that is is truly the month of July. What?? Every time I write a check I have to stop and think hard about the date because every time I almost write a '1" (january) for the date. It's like I have been living, but not really been alive for the last six months.
I've stayed really busy and have had made lots of fun memories with Caroline, but still--I am in total shock that Caroline is 2 1/2, I'm 30 1/2 and we are well on our way through the year. It just doesn't seem right.
I think I have been in shock and denial this whole time and it is finally sinking in that he isn't coming back. I hate it.
I hate that I will never be the same. I really am not sure who I am yet. When you spend about half of your life with someone and then they are gone, who in the world are you then?
I have learned so much about God, love, life, death, grief, friendship, faith etc., but how am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life?
I know the answer, and truly believe, I will be fulfilled by drawing closer to Christ, but it isn't an easy road.
I know this post is a downer, but I just need to get it off my chest. I appreciate all of your prayers during this 'down' time.
At our grief group last week we saw an interesting grief line graph. It had the ups and downs you go through in grief plotted on the graph. What was encouraging is that each time it goes down, it isn't as "low" as the one before it. So I guess I have to stay "on" this ride and see it through.Caroline is a very patriotic girl. Here she is with two flags on the 4th!

Caroline details:

I can't believe how amazing this little girl is. Every day I am truly excited to get to her room and share the day with her. She is so sweet, polite, funny and smart. She's really into counting objects (anything! Mail, food, people, books etc.) She can count up to 14 great and then gets stuck on it until I help with 15 and then she can usually get to 20 on her own.
She's known all her colors for a long time and she knows her shapes. She can name about ten letters of the alphabet when she sees them and she can recognize (when I ask her to point to a specific letter more.)
Her favorite books right now are "Good Morning, Good Night" and "The Very Busy Spider" which she can recite by herself.
We read several stories before nap and bedtime including her bible story every night. She is also excited about getting a prize at the library for completing her reading log!
We've found out that she is allergic to cashews and mosquitoes. Hurray for Epi pens.
She likes to make jokes and non-sense words and loves it when I laugh hard at them.
Her favorite VBS song is "I Wish I Had a Little Red Box." So cute.
She sleeps in her big girl bed so well and I don't take that for granted (as well as her continued success from training herself to potty.)
When we get in the car she likes to tell me "Green means go, yellow means slow down and red means stop!" (It's good to have the reminder.)
She clears her own dishes and puts them in the sink for me.
She scraped up a knee and elbow yesterday and did not shed a tear. She laughed when we put peroxide on it. (I would have cried-it looked painful.)
When I say, "I love you" she says "I love you too, mommy." I am so blessed.


  1. You know that Willie Nelson song, You Are Always On My Mind? Well, you are always on my mind. I know you don't feel strong all the time but the Holy Spirit is keeping you that way and people can see it. It's okay to let it out so we can know and be praying for you. You, Caroline and baby T are so precious to us. We love you! Denise and family

  2. It is so good to hear from you. I think about your sweet family daily.

  3. Bonnie, I am so sad for you. As soon as I saw your title, I knew what you meant. I don't blame you. I just wish I had a way to make things better. I am glad you have the support of the grief counseling. And of course, a LOT of people praying right now.

    Caroline is a smart little girl. She amazes me at all she can do. I always enjoy seeing her; she is definitely a bright spot in the room.

    Lots of hugs your way.

  4. I am glad to hear how you are doing. I think of you often and pray for you every single time the Lord brings you to my mind. I am so thankful you have sweet Caroline and that she brings you such joy. What a gift.

  5. Bonnie, I pray for you often, and I will make a special point to pray for you as you go through this rough time. It's neat to see all that Caroline is learning. It's funny, because my little boy (now 4.5) always forgot 15 when he was learning to count, too. I think it must be a common thing, because I even saw a little cartoon about it on Sesame Street one time. It had the number 15 singing about how everyone always forgot her. :)

  6. Bonnie, I just wanted to say that I think you are doing a good job of grieving. I know that's kind of weird to say, but I know that it is a process. I hear the weariness in your voice at the thought of it being like this forever. God has ways of surprising us. I pray that you will have some small glimpse of a future that isn't a constant uphill battle.

    Caroline is such a sweetie...your descriptions take me back to when Mattie was small. I miss those days already.

  7. we'll all keep praying you through

  8. Hi there, I found your blog through my friend Cathy. What a beautiful family you have.

    You're right..God is there, and He is faithful, no matter what. Praying for you during this difficult time. Hugs.

  9. I love you, sweet friend :)

  10. Bonnie, Denise has it right on ("always on my mind") - the Holy Spirit brings you to my mind all the time, and I pray for you as soon as He does. God is still so faithful, and you are wise to know that He is going to carry you through.

    Caroline is such a treasure, and it is a wonderful thing that you are documenting her amazing growth on here.

  11. Bonnie, I am sometimes at a loss for words. I want to take away your hurt and pain, even if it is only for a moment. I am praying often!

  12. just praying for strength! it's amazing what you did these past 6 months!!!
    i just have a question: how is caroline dealing with her loss? i have a child the same age like c and she talks a lot about her daddy all day (when he's at work), so i wondered how your little girl is coping?.

    god's richest blessings!

  13. I've been following your blog for about 5 months and I don't always comment, but I check to see how you and Caroline are doing. I think everything you are going through is so normal with the grief process, but I can imagine it must get tiring.
    Your little girl is so precious.
    Hang in there.

  14. You have 4 GENERATIONS!!!!! WOW!!!! You are one lucky set of sisters. Love you Bon :)

  15. praying for you right now, bonnie.


  16. Bonnie, my heart breaks for you. Your words resonate with me so much. I am praying for you and hope that you and your precious babies are doing OK.

  17. Bonnie,

    I so wish there was something I could do for you. Prayers are sent your way, but they just don't seem to suffice. I will of course continue praying, and wish all the best for you, Caroline, and your baby.

    God Bless

  18. I just found your blog and have read a lot of it....will be back to read more.....will be praying for you....

  19. I am a stranger to you - and found your blog so randomly a few months ago. Kind of creepy, I know.
    I want to write and yet can't put anything into words. I am walking beside you today, on a path I would have never chosen. I lift you up to the One who knows you and is within the darkest corners - in the depth of sorrow. May you find Him faithful in the ups and downs. He is worthy of our trust.

  20. You are such a strong woman. You really amaze me as well as those around you. I pray for you often.

  21. my name is katie moody you was my kindergarden teacher. im so sorry for what has happend to you and wish i was there to hold your hand like you did mine at the pumpkin patch. i would have never made it through if you would not have helped me. i hope and pray that you have people around you that help you as much as you help ed me. i miss you and i pray for you and caroline every night.

  22. Add another one to the list of people praying for you! Conitinue to be where you are! Whatever emotions you feel ( are feeling)- are right! The beautiful thing about a relationship with Jesus- he knows our thoughts anyway, so don't hesitate to let him know. ....and may you continue to feel his tangible peace that passes all understanding!

    Rebekah Phelan

  23. Hang in there! So many are praying daily for you! I hope you can feel God's love. I know it is hard, but keep the faith and don't give in to the grief. You are an amazing woman!