Anniversary

Next to Father's Day, this day is one of the hardest to take in. It would have been 5 years this Friday. Even as I write that, it is shocking to me-the "would have been" part. When will this disbelief go away? I have a CD (hudsonphotos.com) of all of our pictures from this day, but I just don't have it in me to look at them right now. This is so surreal.
We were married at Center Street Church of Christ on July 31, 2004. We were taken by horse drawn carriage to our reception at the Inn at Carnall Hall on the UofA campus. We left for Jamaica the next morning. It was all beautiful and perfect.
We didn't have reserved seats on our flight to Jamaica and so we rushed to the counter before the flight and Thomas told the airline employee that if there was only one seat available then he wanted me to have it. The lady was so impressed she bumped us both up to first class.
I can't seem to find the right words to write today, but I just knew I wanted those who follow us to know about this important day coming up and to have a few extra prayers said.
I know my last post talked about how down I have felt lately. I can say that I have felt a smidgen better for a couple of days, but it is like the dark cloud will not lift. I am finding it hard to remember things and keep up with friends (please don't think I have forgotten all of you out there! I just feel overwhelmed and treading water to save my life. Hopefully soon I can be a better friend to everybody.)
I finished this book that Tara N. told me about. It is now at the tip top of my list for people who are grieving or for people who want to understand a little better about what their loved ones are feeling after a loss. A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser.
He lost his mother, wife and 4 year old daughter in a car accident. He is raising his remaining three children. He includes a quote from a Puritan "Now life will be a little less sweet, death a little less bitter." I have already found this to be so immeasurably true. He also has a chapter titled, "Why not me?" He says, "Can I expect to live an entire lifetime free of disappointment and suffering? Free of loss and pain? The very expectation strikes me as not only unrealistic but also arrogant..." He goes on to talk about how life isn't fair, and thank goodness it's not. What if we all really got what we deserved? I don't think I would be as blessed as I am with the years I had with Thomas and the two children that are the lights of my life. We are so flawed as humans that I also believe with Mr. Sittser that it is a good thing that we don't get what we deserve. "A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering."

• Updates:

My doctor told me I have begun to dialate-that makes me breathe a little faster in an anxious, anticipating way.
I have so much on my list of 'things to do' that I just don't have the motivation or energy to do them. Pray I can "get after" those things ASAP!! I really dread packing my bag for the hospital-for some reason it seems like such a lonely, strange thing to be doing...and it should be an exciting, joyous thing.
Several people are asking about how Caroline is doing. She is absolutely wonderful. In every sense of the word. We still pray about Daddy every night and talk about how much we miss him, she says, "I miss him so much." She seems to understand in her 2 and a 1/2 year old way that he is in Heaven and that we will get to see him again. But, Sunday on our way to church I (like every week) prepared her for her Sunday school class by saying that she will see her friends and mommy will go to her class and then I will come pick her up. So she was repeating it to me and says, "Caroline in her class, mommy in her class and daddy will pick me up!" (He used to be the one to pick her up from class because I would talk too long to others afterward.) I am usually prepared for the things she says about daddy, but this tore my heart out. I wasn't the same for the rest of the day. I just told her, Oh yes how I wish daddy could come pick you up, but do you remember where he is today? and she said, "Heaven!" and then "I miss him very much."
That's how I feel, too, Caroline. Woo-hoo, for Heaven, but, wow, how I miss him very much.