Anniversary

Next to Father's Day, this day is one of the hardest to take in. It would have been 5 years this Friday. Even as I write that, it is shocking to me-the "would have been" part. When will this disbelief go away? I have a CD (hudsonphotos.com) of all of our pictures from this day, but I just don't have it in me to look at them right now. This is so surreal.
We were married at Center Street Church of Christ on July 31, 2004. We were taken by horse drawn carriage to our reception at the Inn at Carnall Hall on the UofA campus. We left for Jamaica the next morning. It was all beautiful and perfect.
We didn't have reserved seats on our flight to Jamaica and so we rushed to the counter before the flight and Thomas told the airline employee that if there was only one seat available then he wanted me to have it. The lady was so impressed she bumped us both up to first class.
I can't seem to find the right words to write today, but I just knew I wanted those who follow us to know about this important day coming up and to have a few extra prayers said.
I know my last post talked about how down I have felt lately. I can say that I have felt a smidgen better for a couple of days, but it is like the dark cloud will not lift. I am finding it hard to remember things and keep up with friends (please don't think I have forgotten all of you out there! I just feel overwhelmed and treading water to save my life. Hopefully soon I can be a better friend to everybody.)
I finished this book that Tara N. told me about. It is now at the tip top of my list for people who are grieving or for people who want to understand a little better about what their loved ones are feeling after a loss. A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser.
He lost his mother, wife and 4 year old daughter in a car accident. He is raising his remaining three children. He includes a quote from a Puritan "Now life will be a little less sweet, death a little less bitter." I have already found this to be so immeasurably true. He also has a chapter titled, "Why not me?" He says, "Can I expect to live an entire lifetime free of disappointment and suffering? Free of loss and pain? The very expectation strikes me as not only unrealistic but also arrogant..." He goes on to talk about how life isn't fair, and thank goodness it's not. What if we all really got what we deserved? I don't think I would be as blessed as I am with the years I had with Thomas and the two children that are the lights of my life. We are so flawed as humans that I also believe with Mr. Sittser that it is a good thing that we don't get what we deserve. "A world with grace will give us more than we deserve. It will give us life, even in our suffering."

• Updates:

My doctor told me I have begun to dialate-that makes me breathe a little faster in an anxious, anticipating way.
I have so much on my list of 'things to do' that I just don't have the motivation or energy to do them. Pray I can "get after" those things ASAP!! I really dread packing my bag for the hospital-for some reason it seems like such a lonely, strange thing to be doing...and it should be an exciting, joyous thing.
Several people are asking about how Caroline is doing. She is absolutely wonderful. In every sense of the word. We still pray about Daddy every night and talk about how much we miss him, she says, "I miss him so much." She seems to understand in her 2 and a 1/2 year old way that he is in Heaven and that we will get to see him again. But, Sunday on our way to church I (like every week) prepared her for her Sunday school class by saying that she will see her friends and mommy will go to her class and then I will come pick her up. So she was repeating it to me and says, "Caroline in her class, mommy in her class and daddy will pick me up!" (He used to be the one to pick her up from class because I would talk too long to others afterward.) I am usually prepared for the things she says about daddy, but this tore my heart out. I wasn't the same for the rest of the day. I just told her, Oh yes how I wish daddy could come pick you up, but do you remember where he is today? and she said, "Heaven!" and then "I miss him very much."
That's how I feel, too, Caroline. Woo-hoo, for Heaven, but, wow, how I miss him very much.

It's official: I want off

Four generations on Fourth of July Weekend

I can't believe how long it has been since my last blog entry. I have written several in my head, but have not had the overwhelming desire to post an entry until today. It has been a while since I've had several "bad" days in a row and now that is has been more than several days, I have decided that I want off this roller coaster. Not that I ever really wanted to stay on it, but I was riding it up and down and doing what I could to make the best of it. That was then. Now I want off of it.
I'm not sure what exactly, if anything, spurred these feelings I've had lately. I know that it was a shock to my system to realize that is is truly the month of July. What?? Every time I write a check I have to stop and think hard about the date because every time I almost write a '1" (january) for the date. It's like I have been living, but not really been alive for the last six months.
I've stayed really busy and have had made lots of fun memories with Caroline, but still--I am in total shock that Caroline is 2 1/2, I'm 30 1/2 and we are well on our way through the year. It just doesn't seem right.
I think I have been in shock and denial this whole time and it is finally sinking in that he isn't coming back. I hate it.
I hate that I will never be the same. I really am not sure who I am yet. When you spend about half of your life with someone and then they are gone, who in the world are you then?
I have learned so much about God, love, life, death, grief, friendship, faith etc., but how am I supposed to do this for the rest of my life?
I know the answer, and truly believe, I will be fulfilled by drawing closer to Christ, but it isn't an easy road.
I know this post is a downer, but I just need to get it off my chest. I appreciate all of your prayers during this 'down' time.

At our grief group last week we saw an interesting grief line graph. It had the ups and downs you go through in grief plotted on the graph. What was encouraging is that each time it goes down, it isn't as "low" as the one before it. So I guess I have to stay "on" this ride and see it through.Caroline is a very patriotic girl. Here she is with two flags on the 4th!

Caroline details:

I can't believe how amazing this little girl is. Every day I am truly excited to get to her room and share the day with her. She is so sweet, polite, funny and smart. She's really into counting objects (anything! Mail, food, people, books etc.) She can count up to 14 great and then gets stuck on it until I help with 15 and then she can usually get to 20 on her own.
She's known all her colors for a long time and she knows her shapes. She can name about ten letters of the alphabet when she sees them and she can recognize (when I ask her to point to a specific letter more.)
Her favorite books right now are "Good Morning, Good Night" and "The Very Busy Spider" which she can recite by herself.
We read several stories before nap and bedtime including her bible story every night. She is also excited about getting a prize at the library for completing her reading log!
We've found out that she is allergic to cashews and mosquitoes. Hurray for Epi pens.
She likes to make jokes and non-sense words and loves it when I laugh hard at them.
Her favorite VBS song is "I Wish I Had a Little Red Box." So cute.
She sleeps in her big girl bed so well and I don't take that for granted (as well as her continued success from training herself to potty.)
When we get in the car she likes to tell me "Green means go, yellow means slow down and red means stop!" (It's good to have the reminder.)
She clears her own dishes and puts them in the sink for me.
She scraped up a knee and elbow yesterday and did not shed a tear. She laughed when we put peroxide on it. (I would have cried-it looked painful.)
When I say, "I love you" she says "I love you too, mommy." I am so blessed.