Gifts

Due to my pregnancy brain and a lack of time, I haven't written about sweet Caroline and her dance class! She is a natural! She watches Miss Dara so closely (see below.) Aly and Caroline had a great summer of ballet and tap. It's like a dream come true for Robyn and I to have our sweet girls in dance together!!

Picture above is through the one-way mirror. She will stick her tongue out when concentrating really hard-her daddy would do this too.

The "downs" I've endured over the last month have been amazingly hard. I get so much encouragement from my family, friends and blogger friends telling me how well I am doing under the circumstances, but in the back of my mind I always think "if they only knew" or what if I really acted as if I felt at all times, would they still call me strong? A lot of why I am able to put on a good front is because I want to show that God is working in my life and I do still find joy from day to day thanks to Him! I have SO much to be thankful for.
I just still can't shake the feeling that this is still a dream/nightmare! It's been over 7 months! Will this feeling ever go away?
I have always been fascinated about dreams. I have had some very comforting ones over the last 7 months, but like last night, I've also had dreams where I completely break down. I know this is one of the ways I am dealing with my grief. I wake up remembering it and feeling like I had cried uncontrollably all night. Wednesday night's was just like that, I also remember collapsing under the weight of the grief-I couldn't get myself up and didn't even really want to. At the very end, I dreamed all my friends were there helping me up. I know this is representative of how it has been. They always seem to be there right when I need them and I know they will continue to do so. That is comforting.
About a month ago, I wrote about how "down" I was and how it has been the longest down time since the beginning of all of this. I am beginning to feel better now and very excited about meeting baby Thomas! So I want to thank everyone for their prayers.
I have been working through these new feelings lately and God has told me He is taking care of everything, so I have a peace about Monday. I have told friends lately that it is a strange feeling that I will now have a new identity to get used to (again!) I won't be the pregnant widow anymore and I will be the single mommy of two beautiful children. It's just another change--I guess I am getting better at change, so maybe it won't be too shocking to my system, it's just hard not knowing how it's going to be. Caroline and I have gotten into a good routine with each other this summer and she and I both are about to be changed again!

I wanted to post pictures of Thomas's nursery before he arrives and this may be my last chance! We went with the sailing theme since that made up so much of Daddy Thomas's life. My father-in-law delivered this hand made wooden sailboat shelf/shadowbox last weekend! I LOVE IT! It is modeled after their family's sailboat they grew up with "Esprit." So far I have Thomas's first shell he found (thanks to Grandma Tracy!) a picture of him with it (yes, he was white-blond!) and a carved fish from our honeymoon in Jamaica. The picture will be mounted eventually into the boat and I'm not sure what the other little shelf will have on it, but you get the idea!Above the changer, my sweet friend, Lindsey, painted this canvas for him and on the shelf above it-which is out of this picture for some reason- is daddy Thomas's life jacket from when he was little. Another talented friend, Amber Moore, came to me a few months ago and told me that she could make onesies for Thomas using my husband's ties. He wore a tie every day of his life! I can still hardly type about it without crying, they turned out AMAZING! She made so many that he has shirts until he is two with his daddy's ties on them! She even used the rest to make this beautiful blanket (soft and yellow on the back) and I have a bracelet to match as well! You will see baby Thomas wearing the onesie coming home from the hospital. You can see the puppy on the book shelf below wearing one. (Amber's daughter made the puppy for Caroline. His home is on Thomas's shelf, though! The diaper cake on top is from my UofA students surprise shower they threw for me in May-it's way too cute to take apart!)Lastly, here is one shot I have of a section of Caroline's room. Lindsey also made a canvas for Caroline. Thank you, Lindsey!! I love them both!!

Gift for Thomas:
Speaking of Caroline, she is the most amazing, thoughtful little girl. I could hardly wait to share what she did on Wednesday. Early this week we went to pick out a gift that Caroline could give Thomas at the hospital. She told me she wanted a bear and a little blanket. The first store we tried was Penney's and I immediately spotted a blue "lovey" bear/blanket! I thought she'd be thrilled. She wasn't-she saw the green "froggy" lovey and that was what she had to have for him! That was fine with me. I offhandedly mentioned that we could wrap it and give it to him. Two days later one of my amazing Taras (Arkansas Tara) volunteered to clean my entire garage-she is so awesome. Caroline and Canaan were running back and forth inside and out and eventually I noticed Caroline had a bag of Christmas bows. I was trying to talk to Jacob and wasn't paying much attention, but she finally got me to open it for her. I saw her pick out a purple bow. Then a few minutes later she came from the garage with Sesame Street Christmas paper. I saw her open it up and start unrolling it. In the back of my mind I thought, I should stop her-she's going to waste it all and make a gigantic mess, but I held my tongue for a minute. I asked her if I could help her rip a piece off. She said yes. I ripped a portion off for her and thought she would probably put it on her head or something silly, but insteady she gently flattened it out on the ground and ran away. A second later she was back with that green frog blanket she had picked out! I FINALLY realized she was taking matters into her own little hands and wrapping it herself!! She carefully folded the paper over to cover it and I asked her if she needed tape. She said, "yes, sticky tape!" So I gave her some cut pieces of tape and after several of those I directed her how to make the edges stay together. She then got that purple bow and put it on top. I can't describe in words how proud she looked when she was finished. It makes me want to cry. She then said "Baby Thomas will be so happy at the hospital." I could hardly take it. She then said, "I will sing-Happy Birthday to you!" Which is so phenomenoly appropriate for that present--I hadn't told her it was his "birthday" but she knew a specially wrapped present must mean a birthday!

She has carried that present around for three days now, showing anyone who steps foot in the house. Here she is with it:I love her so much, I can hardly stand it!!

I can't thank you all enough for your prayers that have helped sustain me through these trying pregnancy months! Please pray for mine and baby Thomas's emotional and physical health Monday! I also want to pray specifically that I won't have to have a c-section-because of the extra recovery time and I am planning on having my mom, sister and mother-in-law all with me for delivery. I think I can only have one person if it is a c-section.
I really feel like having him on the 17th is such a gift and message that Thomas and God conspired for us! What a blessing...now if I can just make it two more days until then!! (I cannot believe my next post will be pictures of our sweet baby boy!!!)