Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Gifts

Due to my pregnancy brain and a lack of time, I haven't written about sweet Caroline and her dance class! She is a natural! She watches Miss Dara so closely (see below.) Aly and Caroline had a great summer of ballet and tap. It's like a dream come true for Robyn and I to have our sweet girls in dance together!!
Picture above is through the one-way mirror. She will stick her tongue out when concentrating really hard-her daddy would do this too.

The "downs" I've endured over the last month have been amazingly hard. I get so much encouragement from my family, friends and blogger friends telling me how well I am doing under the circumstances, but in the back of my mind I always think "if they only knew" or what if I really acted as if I felt at all times, would they still call me strong? A lot of why I am able to put on a good front is because I want to show that God is working in my life and I do still find joy from day to day thanks to Him! I have SO much to be thankful for.
I just still can't shake the feeling that this is still a dream/nightmare! It's been over 7 months! Will this feeling ever go away?
I have always been fascinated about dreams. I have had some very comforting ones over the last 7 months, but like last night, I've also had dreams where I completely break down. I know this is one of the ways I am dealing with my grief. I wake up remembering it and feeling like I had cried uncontrollably all night. Wednesday night's was just like that, I also remember collapsing under the weight of the grief-I couldn't get myself up and didn't even really want to. At the very end, I dreamed all my friends were there helping me up. I know this is representative of how it has been. They always seem to be there right when I need them and I know they will continue to do so. That is comforting.
About a month ago, I wrote about how "down" I was and how it has been the longest down time since the beginning of all of this. I am beginning to feel better now and very excited about meeting baby Thomas! So I want to thank everyone for their prayers.
I have been working through these new feelings lately and God has told me He is taking care of everything, so I have a peace about Monday. I have told friends lately that it is a strange feeling that I will now have a new identity to get used to (again!) I won't be the pregnant widow anymore and I will be the single mommy of two beautiful children. It's just another change--I guess I am getting better at change, so maybe it won't be too shocking to my system, it's just hard not knowing how it's going to be. Caroline and I have gotten into a good routine with each other this summer and she and I both are about to be changed again!

I wanted to post pictures of Thomas's nursery before he arrives and this may be my last chance! We went with the sailing theme since that made up so much of Daddy Thomas's life. My father-in-law delivered this hand made wooden sailboat shelf/shadowbox last weekend! I LOVE IT! It is modeled after their family's sailboat they grew up with "Esprit." So far I have Thomas's first shell he found (thanks to Grandma Tracy!) a picture of him with it (yes, he was white-blond!) and a carved fish from our honeymoon in Jamaica. The picture will be mounted eventually into the boat and I'm not sure what the other little shelf will have on it, but you get the idea!Above the changer, my sweet friend, Lindsey, painted this canvas for him and on the shelf above it-which is out of this picture for some reason- is daddy Thomas's life jacket from when he was little. Another talented friend, Amber Moore, came to me a few months ago and told me that she could make onesies for Thomas using my husband's ties. He wore a tie every day of his life! I can still hardly type about it without crying, they turned out AMAZING! She made so many that he has shirts until he is two with his daddy's ties on them! She even used the rest to make this beautiful blanket (soft and yellow on the back) and I have a bracelet to match as well! You will see baby Thomas wearing the onesie coming home from the hospital. You can see the puppy on the book shelf below wearing one. (Amber's daughter made the puppy for Caroline. His home is on Thomas's shelf, though! The diaper cake on top is from my UofA students surprise shower they threw for me in May-it's way too cute to take apart!)Lastly, here is one shot I have of a section of Caroline's room. Lindsey also made a canvas for Caroline. Thank you, Lindsey!! I love them both!!

Gift for Thomas:
Speaking of Caroline, she is the most amazing, thoughtful little girl. I could hardly wait to share what she did on Wednesday. Early this week we went to pick out a gift that Caroline could give Thomas at the hospital. She told me she wanted a bear and a little blanket. The first store we tried was Penney's and I immediately spotted a blue "lovey" bear/blanket! I thought she'd be thrilled. She wasn't-she saw the green "froggy" lovey and that was what she had to have for him! That was fine with me. I offhandedly mentioned that we could wrap it and give it to him. Two days later one of my amazing Taras (Arkansas Tara) volunteered to clean my entire garage-she is so awesome. Caroline and Canaan were running back and forth inside and out and eventually I noticed Caroline had a bag of Christmas bows. I was trying to talk to Jacob and wasn't paying much attention, but she finally got me to open it for her. I saw her pick out a purple bow. Then a few minutes later she came from the garage with Sesame Street Christmas paper. I saw her open it up and start unrolling it. In the back of my mind I thought, I should stop her-she's going to waste it all and make a gigantic mess, but I held my tongue for a minute. I asked her if I could help her rip a piece off. She said yes. I ripped a portion off for her and thought she would probably put it on her head or something silly, but insteady she gently flattened it out on the ground and ran away. A second later she was back with that green frog blanket she had picked out! I FINALLY realized she was taking matters into her own little hands and wrapping it herself!! She carefully folded the paper over to cover it and I asked her if she needed tape. She said, "yes, sticky tape!" So I gave her some cut pieces of tape and after several of those I directed her how to make the edges stay together. She then got that purple bow and put it on top. I can't describe in words how proud she looked when she was finished. It makes me want to cry. She then said "Baby Thomas will be so happy at the hospital." I could hardly take it. She then said, "I will sing-Happy Birthday to you!" Which is so phenomenoly appropriate for that present--I hadn't told her it was his "birthday" but she knew a specially wrapped present must mean a birthday!
She has carried that present around for three days now, showing anyone who steps foot in the house. Here she is with it:I love her so much, I can hardly stand it!!

I can't thank you all enough for your prayers that have helped sustain me through these trying pregnancy months! Please pray for mine and baby Thomas's emotional and physical health Monday! I also want to pray specifically that I won't have to have a c-section-because of the extra recovery time and I am planning on having my mom, sister and mother-in-law all with me for delivery. I think I can only have one person if it is a c-section.
I really feel like having him on the 17th is such a gift and message that Thomas and God conspired for us! What a blessing...now if I can just make it two more days until then!! (I cannot believe my next post will be pictures of our sweet baby boy!!!)

41 comments:

  1. Oh Bonnie, I am sooo excited for you to be having Baby Thomas on MONDAY! I read the part about Caroline wrapping the gift for baby Thomas to Bailey (who's 4 now!)and she said "I want to meet her!" I told her she would get to next month when we bring ya'll pizza! I can't wait to see you again (it's been forever!) and meet Caroline and baby Thomas!
    love ya! ~Monica

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  2. Bonnie,
    You continue to be in my prayers daily. What an awesome, precious and very smart little 2 year old girl you have! I'll be so excited to see pictures of your precious baby boy! I pray for a quick, safe and healthy delivery!
    love, Brenda Elmore

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  3. Bonnie,
    Greetings from Baton Rouge, LA. You and Caroline have been in my prayers and will continue to be, as well as baby Thomas. You are such an inspiration to all of us. Your faith and love shines from the pages. Best wishes and many prayers coming your way on Monday.
    God Bless you, Caroline & Baby Thomas!

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  4. Oh Bonnie! Your last two blogs just made me weep! I love you so much and wish so badly that I could be back up there to love on you and that sweet little girl of yours (and new baby boy!). She looks so much like her daddy.

    Don't second-guess yourself during the hard times. Grief is hard to handle - and it is through our weaknesses that God is strong. Don't forget that. Let that comfort you the next time you have an "if they only knew" thought. We do know that you struggle (even if most of us have not experienced your particular kind of pain), and we are so glad that we have a loving God that is sustaining you! It is because of His promise that you are able to do the things you do!

    I think it is wonderful and precious and bittersweet that baby Thomas is coming his daddy's 30th birthday. And I'm also glad to see that your in-laws are still involved in your life. I'm just so thankful for Y-O-U! I think of you often and am lifting up prayers on your behalf. I love you and hang in there!

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  5. Your little girl is so precious! I love the story about her wrapping baby Thomas's present. Praying for a safe delivery on Monday...a very special day indeed! -Shannon (Rachel) Saunders

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  6. I can't express to you what your situation looks like from an outsider's perspective, but let me try. Yes, seven months ago your life was completely torn apart, but now we can see God putting all of the pieces back together one by one in such a precise and perfect way. How can anyone who knows your story not believe there is a God in heaven who knows us and takes care of each of us personally? No matter what emotions you struggle with daily, you truly are deserving of all of the admiration you are receiving right now. I love you, Caroline, and baby Thomas! I am counting down the seconds until I see you on Monday!

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  7. The gifts you have received are so special with such thought and heart put into them, how special! I cannot believe baby Thomas will be here next week!! The post about induction date being the same day as Thomas' 30th birthday just left me awe struck. You are always in my prayers.

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  8. Those onsies are the sweetest things I have ever seen, and when I saw the blanket I got teary eyed! I love you so much, praying for you and every little detail for Monday that God so perfectly has planned out and under control. I love you

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  9. To read the story behind the onesies and the blanket, I cried, and cried. Those are such wonderful gifts to treasure and enjoy and for baby Thomas to learn about as he grows.
    I know you know this Bonnie, but I and the rest of your family are here for you. We know at least some of your pain as we are there with you in it and we can share our sorrows. To me you are my sister. Ever since you walked in our door and we saw the love in Thomas' eyes when he looked at you, please know that love is in our own eyes and always will be when we think of you.

    I can hardly wait to see you, Caroline, and baby Thomas. I will be thinking of you!
    Love,
    Laura Culp Elliott

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  10. Beautiful pics of Thomas' room...those onesies are just amazing. And that "tie blanket" has me in tears when I think about it. The room is such a sweet room for a very special baby boy. However, it was the Caroline story that made me really cry. What a sweet girl with a BIG heart. I cannot wait to see her with Thomas...what a wonderful big sis she will be!

    As for you, please know you have many people praying for you. You don't have to be "strong"...many are here to hold you up the times you feel weak.

    Many hugs...cannot wait to hear about a little someone's arrival next week!

    Reba

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  11. Little Caroline is just sweet as a button! She is going to be such a wonderful big sister. I cannot wait to see your little boy--I pray you have an easy cesarean on Monday. I still cannot believe it is Daddy Thomas' birthday, how cool is that?

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  12. I'm so excited to see pictures of baby Thomas! I can't wait to hear how everything goes. You are in my prayers. I wish I was there to help you in some way. Please know we are thinking of you here. Also, I LOVE the baby room! You did an excellent job. Love you very much!

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  13. I know you don't know me, but please know we've been praying for you the last few months and will continue to pray for your upcoming birth on Monday. We hope everything goes well as you make yet another transition in your life.

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  14. You don't know me, but I live in Tontitown, and go to FBC Fayetteville. You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am sending love to you and BOTH of your precious children. By the way, it is not how much you break down that makes you strong...it's the grace with which you have carried yourself through this trial.

    -Stephanie

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  15. I've been reading your blog since you lost Thomas. And it seems as though you have made progress in your grief. I know it's hard, and of course you are still dealing with it. I am sure you will be dealing with for a while. I am so glad you have Caroline to keep you occupied and now baby Thomas! Caroline is such an adorable little girl and she looks JUST like her daddy!

    That is so cute that she wrapped that present herself for her baby brother. And those onesies: wow!! He is gonna look like a little stud in those! lol. I know Thomas is watching over you and helping you all that he can.
    My friend who is 40 lost her 41 year old husband 2 weeks ago suddenly in a motorcycle accident. He was a firefighter for the Oak Ridge, TN fire dept. They would have been married 21 years in Sept. They have 3 children and I know she's having a hard time. She's a wonderful person and so was her husband. I'm going to give her a link to your blog. God bless!

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  16. Good luck! My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

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  17. Only 13 days left!!! So exciting! Caroline is precious...love these sweet pictures. Hang in there Bonnie...God is holding you in the palm of his hand. I wish you nothing but blessings!

    Kelli from ugottafriend.com

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  18. Hi Bonnie, I really enjoyed seeing baby Thomas's room and seeing Caroline's sweet smile. I bet she'll be a great big sister. I'll be thinking about you and saying special prayers for a safe delivery on Monday!

    Praying for you in GA
    ~Ashley

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  19. i know i am a stranger to you, but your story and your heart have deeply impressed upon me the power of a Savior Who NEVER lets go. you are an amazing woman of the Lord, and i want you to know that i will be praying for you, baby thomas and caroline as you welcome the newest season in your life. the Lord chose you to be a bright light in the darkness, and you have been faithful to him in that. your daughter wears the smile of a girl who is loved so well, and i want you to know how blessed i am to even be on the periphery of your story.

    much love and many prayers,
    angie smith

    (audrey's mommy)

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  20. I don't know you, or your beautiful family personally. I just stumbled upon your page from another and have become utterly addicted to your journey. I just have to say that you are amazing. Your strength, your love and faith are amazing. I know that you do not realize your strength but it is something I haven't ever seen before. You truely have an angel in Heaven watching over you, Caroline and baby Thomas. God is with you and I will praying for you Monday on that GLORIOUS birthday.
    Lindsey Wright-South Texas

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  21. What beautiful and meaningful gifts- but the best gift of all is coming on Monday! Will be sending thoughts of peace, comfort and happiness your way!

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  22. Oh that's sooo sweet of Caroline!!! She is a smart little girl and so lucky to have such a wonderful mama! I'm so excited to see pictures of baby Thomas and I am in LOVE with his nursery and that amazing blanket and the onesies made of his daddy's ties!! What a super neat idea and a way for him to carry his daddy near to him!

    I'll be praying for you guys this weekend and especially on Monday!!! Good luck with everything!

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  23. Oh, my goodness, his room & those tie onesies are TOO cute. :) Congratulations! I'll be praying that everything goes well, and I completely understand not wanting a C-section.

    That is SO cute about Caroline wrapping the present - it's so fun that she's old enough to understand about the baby coming!!! :)

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  24. God bless you all Bonnie, and I'll be praying for a safe and healthy delivery. I've been following since I heard of Thomas' passing, and I just think both you and Caroline are so precious!

    Best wishes, and I look forward to seeing pictures of your sweet baby!

    Stacy

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  25. I forgot to say that the onesies are adorable and perfect...what a wonderful gift to be given. And, the blanket will be an heirloom someday!

    Stacy

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  26. I'll be praying for you Monday that all will go well with your delivery.

    A mutual friend (Denise Carnes) told me about you because we share a somewhat similar story of living life as a single parent when we least expected it.

    I know this time is extremely tough for you, even with your an awesome faith, but I want to encourage you to keep believing for great things because God will be so faithful to you. He certainly was to me and brought me tremendous blessings even with the pain.

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  27. Bonnie, we don't know each other in real life, but I have been following your story for some time now. Reading the comments from your husband's students showed what an incredible teacher he was. And you and Caroline show what an incredible husband and father he was. I'm sure he and your Heavenly Father will be with you as you welcome Baby Thomas into the world. What a lucky little guy he is to have YOU as his mom and Caroline as his sister. Knowing what you have gone through and keep going, encourages me to trust God even when I think he has forgotten me. I pray God's blessings on you especially on Monday, but everyday.

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  28. Congratulations, Your Caroline has got to be one of the sweetest girls on the Earth! I'm sure I don't have to tell you that though. The nursery is adorable!

    Good luck with the birth! I will pray for you.

    PS. I don't even remember how I found your blog, but I hope you don't mind.

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  29. Great post all the way around. What a cutie pie little Caroline is!

    The nursery looks great and I know little Thomas will love it. The onesies and blanket are wonderful treasures for you.

    My prayers will be with you on Monday as I anxiously await seeing pictures of that handsome little boy!!

    God bless you all!

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  30. Praying all goes well and you don't have to have a C-section. Can't wait for pics. I'm sure it will be emotional, I'll be praying you feel HIS presence.

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  31. bonnie, i love Thomas' special nursery to come home too. Can't wait to see pictures!

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  32. Good luck Bonnie, I will say a special prayer for the three of you. May the transition to your "new" normal be smooth and full of joy.

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  33. Little Caroline is so darn cute in her ballerina costume.
    You have the nursery decorated just darling. I hope the birth goes well and you will be back on your feet quickly. Looking forward to seeing baby Thomas.

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  34. what special things she made from Thomas' ties - what a wonderful idea! Continuing to keep you in my thoughts and prayers this week! Specifically for a quick recovery and adjustment period.

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  35. Bonnie, I haven't checked your blog in a while, but I have still been praying everyday. I knew your 5 year anniversary was coming up because Seth and I just celebrated ours. I am praying hard today for a great and fast delivery of Baby Thomas. The gifts that people have made for you are amazing. The tie onesies and quilt are the most thoughtful things I have ever seen. May God be with you today as Baby Thomas comes into this world. Much love!

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  36. Dear Bonnie, I can't wait to hear that baby Thomas has arrived! I'm just thrilled that your big day is finally here! My Sun. night ladies class has been asking about you and we prayed for a safe delivery. I know you have prayers going up for you everywhere today- you have touched so many with your incredible faith and strength. Also, I thought the tie onesies were such a unique and special creation. What a sweet way for baby Thomas to be like his daddy! Looking forward to the good news! Love, Carmen

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  37. praying for you today and excited to see pictures of Baby Thomas... I love his room it is so well put together and every detail is just perfect I also loved the tie idea... praying for you as you adjust to a new kind of normal... your little girl is so sweet she has a twinkle in her eye!!

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  38. I have been reading and praying for you for months now, but have not commented until now. I just wanted you to know that yet another family has been thinking of you and your precious family, and has been praying every time you come to mind, especially today!

    Bailey
    TheMartinZoo.blogspot.com

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  39. Today is the 17th and I can't wait to see if Baby Thomas came today and see his pictures. I'm praying for you and Baby Thomas. I love the quilt your friend made with Thomas's ties. What a great gift to cherish for a lifetime. How amazing is that onesie...Brilliant!!!! How thoughtful of Caroline to wrap the present for her baby brother. She'll be a great big sister. I am praying for a quick and safe delivery and much health for baby Thomas. Sending you hugs XX

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  40. Waiting to hear the news on your sweet Thomas.God bless you.
    (((HUGS)))

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  41. Caroline's present had me in tears, how sweet! I can tell by the pictures that Thomas' nursery was put together with much love. And I absolutely LOVE the onsies with ties, what a perfect thing for your new little guy to wear!

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