Lamenting

So I was on fire to write a couple of weeks ago, I couldn't stop the passion I was feeling or all the themes and topics that was on my heart...but that's where they stayed. On my heart. Not on paper or a screen...well, I tried to capture a few of my musings on the iphone notepad. (That thing is awful! It eats my "notes" whenever if feels the desire and I don't know how to retrieve them...)

Then I spiraled into yuck. I can't keep up with the readings for the writing class, I can't keep up with my passion, I can't keep up with the laundry, etc etc.

During those couple of weeks, I knew that I should fall back on what I've learned through our multitude of bible studies, but instead I wallered in my yucky feelings for a couple of days. Add to that the sneaky grief monster that likes to show up around holidays, special occasions, or when it rains. Or when it's sunny. You get the idea.

So it's time to embrace grace again.

Grace to not have a grammatically perfect blog post. (I know my students who read this blog probably wish they could have a red pen to circle all of my mistakes!) I realize perfectionism is holding me back from even trying to post. Done with that...grace covers it.

Grace to leave the laundry unfolded, yet another day. It's so weird not having my job teaching right now...I can't use it as my excuse for the laundry.

Tyler asked me last night after I lamented at being so flipping tired, "What did you do today?" I didn't know how to answer him.

It sounds all so simplified as a list, I helped out in Caroline's classroom, I sent a few emails, I worked out, I saw my precious sister for lunch, I went grocery shopping, I used sidewalk chalk with Thomas to outline his body, I read jokes to Caroline, I fixed dinner, I gave them baths, I cleaned up the kitchen (sort of ), went to church...and at the end of the day thought about all I did not accomplish that NEEDS my attention.

In between all of those physical motions I fretted over whether we are making the right decisions for our kids, our marriage, whether my God-sized dream of making a difference is stupid, because everyone else is already doing it or doing it way better than I can, why can I not cook meals without preservatives, why do I feel so tired when many of my friends do all that I listed PLUS work a full time job..I could go on and on...

Then I read this:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

I have to remember this not just at Easter, on Sundays or occasionally. I need to remember it every day. Every morning. His grace covers it all. 

I lament awful memories, I lament over being tired or stressed, I lament over feeling happy because someone I know is in misery...and in the middle of lamentations, we are reminded that it doesn't matter what I feel or even think...

BECAUSE of the Lord's great love we are not consumed. 
Not because of anything I do or not do. 

Grace. Praying for the person reading this right now to lower your shoulders, breathe in and out slowly, and just rest in His peace. 

Love to you all.

Why I Blog

I feel God is calling me to do so.
I enjoy words.
I want there to be a record of why I think the way I do and what we did as a family for our children.
To not be annoying. (I'm crazily passionate, and I may explode/implode if I do not let out my words, thoughts, wild notions, somewhere. SO this is the "somewhere.")
To process my thoughts. (See previous statement.)
If someone is curious about how I'm doing, they can check here, and if I'm too annoying they can stop reading and I'll never know.
(Connected to above statement) To be a testimony that joy can return after mourning, but that doesn't mean grieving is ever over and there are still times when I'm not sure how to go on. (One step at a time...)
On the chance I might someday/somehow encourage, inspire, grieve with, enjoy life with, or just connect in any way with a reader. 

(This is a post in progress...)