Lamenting

So I was on fire to write a couple of weeks ago, I couldn't stop the passion I was feeling or all the themes and topics that was on my heart...but that's where they stayed. On my heart. Not on paper or a screen...well, I tried to capture a few of my musings on the iphone notepad. (That thing is awful! It eats my "notes" whenever if feels the desire and I don't know how to retrieve them...)

Then I spiraled into yuck. I can't keep up with the readings for the writing class, I can't keep up with my passion, I can't keep up with the laundry, etc etc.

During those couple of weeks, I knew that I should fall back on what I've learned through our multitude of bible studies, but instead I wallered in my yucky feelings for a couple of days. Add to that the sneaky grief monster that likes to show up around holidays, special occasions, or when it rains. Or when it's sunny. You get the idea.

So it's time to embrace grace again.

Grace to not have a grammatically perfect blog post. (I know my students who read this blog probably wish they could have a red pen to circle all of my mistakes!) I realize perfectionism is holding me back from even trying to post. Done with that...grace covers it.

Grace to leave the laundry unfolded, yet another day. It's so weird not having my job teaching right now...I can't use it as my excuse for the laundry.

Tyler asked me last night after I lamented at being so flipping tired, "What did you do today?" I didn't know how to answer him.

It sounds all so simplified as a list, I helped out in Caroline's classroom, I sent a few emails, I worked out, I saw my precious sister for lunch, I went grocery shopping, I used sidewalk chalk with Thomas to outline his body, I read jokes to Caroline, I fixed dinner, I gave them baths, I cleaned up the kitchen (sort of ), went to church...and at the end of the day thought about all I did not accomplish that NEEDS my attention.

In between all of those physical motions I fretted over whether we are making the right decisions for our kids, our marriage, whether my God-sized dream of making a difference is stupid, because everyone else is already doing it or doing it way better than I can, why can I not cook meals without preservatives, why do I feel so tired when many of my friends do all that I listed PLUS work a full time job..I could go on and on...

Then I read this:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed,
    for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
    great is your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23

I have to remember this not just at Easter, on Sundays or occasionally. I need to remember it every day. Every morning. His grace covers it all. 

I lament awful memories, I lament over being tired or stressed, I lament over feeling happy because someone I know is in misery...and in the middle of lamentations, we are reminded that it doesn't matter what I feel or even think...

BECAUSE of the Lord's great love we are not consumed. 
Not because of anything I do or not do. 

Grace. Praying for the person reading this right now to lower your shoulders, breathe in and out slowly, and just rest in His peace. 

Love to you all.

Why I Blog

I feel God is calling me to do so.
I enjoy words.
I want there to be a record of why I think the way I do and what we did as a family for our children.
To not be annoying. (I'm crazily passionate, and I may explode/implode if I do not let out my words, thoughts, wild notions, somewhere. SO this is the "somewhere.")
To process my thoughts. (See previous statement.)
If someone is curious about how I'm doing, they can check here, and if I'm too annoying they can stop reading and I'll never know.
(Connected to above statement) To be a testimony that joy can return after mourning, but that doesn't mean grieving is ever over and there are still times when I'm not sure how to go on. (One step at a time...)
On the chance I might someday/somehow encourage, inspire, grieve with, enjoy life with, or just connect in any way with a reader. 

(This is a post in progress...)

Cheating Myself

I cheated during my workout today. I know there are times that you have slow down because your old bones are aching or you can't catch enough breath, but no, this was not one of those times. I just didn't want to do what the instructor was asking us to do. I knew no one was watching me, so I just half-way...okay I should quit sinning...just one-third of the way, did the side shuffles--until the instructor came closer to me. That changed the game.
I knew she'd make me work harder.
I knew she'd push me to my limits.
I knew she knew my name and would call me out.
So I got to work, bent my knees deeper and finished the track...stronger than I would have been if left alone.

Ever since I began college eons ago...okay well, remember when we partied like it was 1999, because it WAS 1999? That long ago, I have been learning to be a life-long learner. I'm almost sick of the phrase. Not because it isn't a worthy and important aspiration, it's just one of those phrases that gets thrown around in every education course, text book, classroom and portfolio I come across until we can all talk knowledgeably about what it means, but are we really living it out? Are we showing by example to our students that we don't know it all, but we are striving to learn more? To apply it better? To keep reaching? I think many educators are doing so, but I had kept closed a part of my heart. For many reasons which I'm sure I'll be pouring out in a later post, but the number one reason being fear. I was afraid to admit how much I enjoy writing.

The Time Has Come.

So here it is:
Hey everyone, 
    Guess what? I love to write! I love to feel inspired all through the day by common and not-so-common occurrences and write fifteen incomplete posts in my head until I've come up with three different words for the word epiphany and then forget what inspired me and move on to the next thing and possibly write a poem about it--oh no, wait-that's not me, how could I do that? and then get inspired again by that thing the wal-mart checker outer said to me or that cloud up in the sky or the way Caroline says "Blow down my window" instead of "Roll" and then I need to make dinner and then love on my kids and then spend time with Tyler and, oh yeah, I forgot the towels in the washer, again...and then...zzzzzz.....
And it's a new day dawning, and what? I haven't written anything down except for a grocery list in two weeks?

Breathe.

So on a whim and a loving nudge from my husband Tyler, I signed up for an online writing course.
The class starts Monday. Life-long learning just got real up in here, y'all.

I've learned so much about myself in the last couple of years. I had NO CLUE I could ever join a gym or actually enjoy -gasp!- working out! Yet, it happened. With the help of knowledgeable instructors and Nike dry-fit clothing.
I know myself well enough now to know it is time to have some accountability in this area of my life. Just like our awesome Body Attack instructor motivates us, pushes us through the pain and eventually into a new body, our writing instructor Elora will be pushing and encouraging us to fine tune our writing muscles. I have no clue where this path is taking me, but I know it is God-driven and it gives me extra energy just thinking about it. (And, boy can I think and think and think....now I have to start typing?!)

It's such a magical experience to pursue a passion you didn't even know was in you, or perhaps for me it was ignoring that it was there.
I've been creating syllabi for my college students for ten semesters now. It's time for me to face a syllabus again as a student. All I know right now is that I have a LOT to learn.

ps There's a badge for Story 101 on my blog if anyone wants to be a life-long learner as well. : )