Thankful for my blog readers! (Plus a Giveaway!)

I'm so thankful this holiday season, it's hard to know where to start! I'm taking time to dedicate this post to my faithful blog readers!! Your comments and prayers over the last two years has been more help to me than you might realize. At times when I wasn't sure how to vent or express my feelings, my blog and the comments from readers were there to lift me up each time. The comments from the last post have encouraged me and made me come to realize even more that God can use any situation, no matter how terrible, to bring people closer to Him. What's amazing is that being "closer to Him" and giving Him the glory means we get to reap benefits such as a life filled with contentment, happiness and most importantly: Meaning! Our lives mean something! Even though we talk all the time about how short our time on Earth is, we are sowing values and love that continue in our children for generations. Our bible study, Breaking Free, has us think back through our family lines to determine who laid the foundation for where (and who) we are today. I'm blessed to have several family members contribute to my path to finding a real relationship with God, but when I think as far back as I can, I only remember one Great Grandmother since the others had passed on before I was old enough to remember, but I know someone must have put the love of the Lord in her heart and I pray thanks to God for whoever those "ancestors" were. In just a few short generations our names may be forgotten, but our legacies live on. I'm determined to instill the same values in my children so that God will be praised in our family long past the day I enter heaven!

Since the accident I have felt guilt because I haven't thanked every single person for what he or she has done for me.e I understand it's a silly guilt (I'm working on giving it to God, I promise!) However, a friend of a friend (Thanks, Misty and K.C.!) contacted me about a giveaway I could do on my blog! My first thought was, HOW FUN! My second thought was: Here's a very tiny way I can say "THANK YOU" to my fellow (local) bloggers! (So sorry for my out-of-town blog friends. Maybe I can come up with something for you all soon!) I've never done anything like this before, so I hope I don't mess it up!...

  www.nwaboutiqueshow.com

This coming Friday and Saturday there is a very special boutique show happening at the Springdale Arkansas Holiday Inn Convention Center. It's special because it's a shopping experience where all of the 130 merchants are moms with small businesses! The show is free on Saturday the 20th from 9am to 6pm, but I think the real fun will be Friday, November 19th from 5:00pm-9:00pm at the "Girls Night Out" Preview Shopping Event which will have live Christmas music, door prizes, candy buffet and shopping! It costs $10.00 a ticket at the door, but for a lucky reader of my blog it will be free for you and a friend! I have two tickets to give away to the event. I'm really excited about going and if a reader wins whom I haven't met yet, maybe we can meet there! Just leave a comment on this post! Make an additional comment on this post if you link me in your own blog and you'll have two chances to win! The deadline is this Wednesday at noon and I'll either mail them or hand deliver them to you! If your blog ID doesn't have an email address linked to it, come back here to see if you've won! Good luck!
PS One of the merchants is Lanning Photography and Amber Lanning is an amazing woman and a gifted photographer (see pic below she took of me and my seweet baby T!)

CONGRATULATIONS, ERIN! I used a random number generator and she won the tickets! I'm excited to meet you!
I wish I had tickets for everyone! If you buy online the tickets are discounted to $8 a piece. The Saturday event is free!

God is Love

I've started and stopped this post in my mind at least one hundred times. (I don't exaggerate unless I tell you I am so that you'll believe me when I state numbers.)
Someone mentioned to me they had noticed I hadn't updated my blog in a while. It's because I know I cannot post again until I post this one...

I'd like to ask everyone to say a prayer right now to have an open heart and mind as you read my thoughts in this post.

God has blessed me immensely over the last months. I mentioned in my last couple of posts how the process of healing will go on forever, but God has allowed me to be joyful again. I got to the point that I honestly told God, "Okay, you and me, God. We're going to raise these children to be amazing adults and I have complete faith that I can do this alone (with You.)" I truly believed this and felt the bondage of fear for my sweet children's future fade away. I felt the fear of being a single mom fade away. I felt the sharp edge of the pain I felt for what their dad was missing as our children grew before my eyes, dull to a manageable sadness that had a more pronounced happiness as I understood more and more that Thomas is not sad. He is complete in heaven, where we all will be one day.
"And now, dear brothers and sisters, we want you to know what will happen to the believers who have died so you will not grieve like people who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and was raised to life again, we also believe that when Jesus returns, God will bring back with him the believers who have died." 1 Thessalonians 4:13 - 14
The overwhelming emotion that came with the release of fear and apprehension was love and joy. I had several books with titles describing Joy after Mourning, joy comes in the morning, and every other combination, but I didn't understand how I could ever feel joy when I was in the throes of grief. Yet, the bible proved itself to me again. It is true--a surrendering of our worries and fears to God leaves us with a security in Him. I'm so glad I now have relieved my friends, family, co-workers and even my children the responsibility of my "secure-ness". It's not their job to make or keep me happy. (You all can thank me later ;-) )
"Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return. They will enter Jerusalem singing, crowned with everlasting joy. Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and they will be filled with joy and gladness." Isaiah 51:11 
  So, I come to the next chapter of my life.
I have thrown myself into the author Angela Thomas' (My Single Mom Life) philosophy of becoming the most amazing moms we can be with God as the leader of our lives. I'm involved with three ongoing bible studies and each one has taught me an incredible amount about how and why God works in our lives and what matters most in this life. 

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold -- though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world." 1 Peter 1:6 - 7
So...
I was content and ready to live my single mom life with God helping me raise my sweet kids.  We were going to be not just "ok," we were going to be amazing! I also felt after going through GriefShare counseling for two semesters and hearing them talk about dating after being widowed that maybe in 20 years or so I'd think about dating.
So along came Tyler King.
The strange thing is...he's sort of always been around.
He ran in a circle of friends in our same christian campus group (Razorbacks for Christ) that was just different enough from my own that our circles only seldom intersected. Thomas and I definitely knew and respected Tyler from seeing him teach and attend our church for years, but we did not know each other.
Early this summer our paths crossed a few times when our small groups from church intersected.
There really is not another way to say it, but after hanging out several times with our mutual friends I woke up one morning and I felt like God had literally flipped a switch in my heart and a rush of emotions came over me for him!
I was shocked and excited and nervous. I kept it completely to myself for a couple of weeks because I wanted to make sure these were real feelings and that they were really specifically for Tyler and not just the thought of dating or something else going on. Finally, I decided I needed outside perspective and confided in my sister. I waited until I was driving us somewhere together so I didn't have to look her in
the eyes. (I just knew she would tell me in an unintentionally patronizing way, "Oh it is too soon...just be patient...he's a great guy but..." But oh no, she did nothing of the sort.
I started it with just "what do you think about Tyler and I together?" she sat
quietly for a few seconds and then with tears in her eyes said "Bonnie, this
will sound crazy, but God told me a long time ago that you and Tyler would be
together and it would be great."
(Before I go any further, please realize we aren't usually the get a "burning bush" sign from God kind of people...)
I about had to pull the car over.
I asked her to explain and she said that she was so distraught for me and my
kids that she took it to God and He comforted her with that thought. That Tyler
and I would be together.
WOW.
I prayed hard about it and I knew I needed to talk to Tyler about what God was telling me.
Basically, we both told each other that same night that we felt God telling us that we are
supposed to be together.

Even the movies could not make this stuff up.


God knew I did not want to date. He knew how important my family and friends are to me and they would protect me at all costs. God specifically sent Tyler to me. Everyone that knows me, knows Tyler (very well! Yet, I did not know Tyler before this summer!) My family and friends are thrilled because they know us. They have seen Tyler's day to day life of character, warmth and caring. They know I am seeking God at all costs and determined to raise Caroline and Thomas to be happy, godly children. They are seeing the work of God at work.
It's amazing and it's God.

I am more surprised than anyone at the timing, but I trust God and His plan whole-heartedly. I was worried for a while what people might think, but God has taught me some wonderful messages of the utmost importance:

• No opinion matters, except God's. I answer only to Him.

• God knows what I, Caroline and Thomas need.

• No one has any place judging a person's decisions who is seeking God's will...And no one can ever "walk in someone's shoes." Even though I have met some amazing young widowed mommas, not one of us can completely understand each others' journey.

• God is Love. He gave us an amazing gift: the ability to love!

Thomas and I truly loved each other and had a great marriage. I'm blessed to know what a great marriage is because of him. I remember thinking when we knew we wanted a second child, "How can I love another child as I love sweet Caroline?" God's abundant love for his people is mirrored by how we have the ability to love each other. And when Baby T came along...I did not replace the love I had for my first child, or try to take some of the love from her to give to him, my capacity to love GREW. Wow. God is gracious.
Over and over through our dating and marriage Thomas would say "I only want for you to be happy." It is imprinted on my heart forever.

And I can say I am truly happy again. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. 1 John 4:8


Tyler and I are committed to keeping God at the center of our relationship and
we are so thankful for what He has done in our lives.

Light Your Candles!

Our Single Moms' Ministry at my church has been amazing. What a courageous, beautiful group of women God put together! Each doing their best, with God's help, to be the best single moms they can be. God is good. (By the way, please be praying as we start our fall semester Sept 14th!)

The book we just finished My Single Mom Life by Angela Thomas (a MUST read for any single mom in any situation) talks about not waiting for a special occasion or until you feel "worthy" to light your candles, or use the best dishes, or invite friends over for dinner. Our children will miss out if we wait!

This also parallels her advice that we don't have years to devote to "bettering" ourselves. If we wait years until we arrive at some contrived place to start being a great mom, our kids will be all grown up! We have to be amazing moms NOW!
This includes inviting friends and playmates for our kids over to dinner...so what if our house is a wreck or we don't have a huge home-cooked meal. No one will notice! There will be enough to go around, just make it work!
I also believe this applies to starting or continuing traditions. It's sad how I went through a time when I didn't know if a family of three like ours was complete enough to start new traditions or that it might be too painful to continue traditions we already had.  Blessedly, I came through that phase pretty quickly.
Caroline and I decided it would be fun to always have chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast on our birthdays, starting with Thomas's!
My new, wonderful friend Shannon reminded us of this "don't wait for life to begin" idea when she gave her example of how she shared a dinner with her daughter's playmate at the spur of the moment. Do you think the girls remember what they ate or what the place settings looked like? NO! They will remember a warm, fun time sharing life!
After hearing her talk about how she is not just thinking about this advice, she's living it; I wanted to do the same. I wanted to light our candles! And use those serving dishes usually reserved for "special" occasions! My children are special and they deserve it!
Later that same week I told Caroline we were going to have candles at dinner and she ran around the room so excited and telling Thomas all about it, it was adorable. I got everything ready, our cantaloupe, ravioli and sauce (from Bertoli's, I think, I know I didn't make it from scratch--i'm admitting it. Who cares!?) and put it in our fancy serving bowls and then went to find candles.
And then I couldn't find any. Not one!
I wasn't going to let this stop us. I remembered what Shannon said, she said she didn't have candles in nice matching holders, she just used the ones from around the house. Scented, or unscented, in a jar or on a plate--it doesn't matter!
So the only candles I had were a few in a drawer meant for a birthday cake. WHO CARES!? Caroline and Thomas sure didn't! We lit them and ate a meal that would normally be forgotten, but now has been made a memory!
I LOVE THESE CHILDREN FIERCELY!!!
Now, go and light your own candles! :-)

My Baby is ONE!!!!

Yes, I chose blue for the icing. Yes, it came out of his cute Thomas the Train onesie from the Harmons! Happy Birthday, Thomas!

Thomas Alexander Culp turned one on Tuesday! Can you believe it!? We had a fun Thomas the Train themed birthday party for him on Saturday at our house. It was so great to have all of our closest friends and family in attendance.
Of course, it is an extra hard time of the year as well. His daddy would have been 31 the same day his son turned 1. It really makes the day special, though, since he can share it with his dad.
And with the start of the school year and the memories it brings back...
A year ago on the 17th everyone eagerly awaited news on this sweet baby's arrival. It seemed to bring a lot of hope and joy for the future for not only our family, but also for Springdale's school district. They started this year without Mr. Culp, but I have been overwhelmed with the kind, encouraging emails and Facebook messages from his students. A lot of them are starting college this coming week and their thoughts are on their teacher who inspired them to work hard and pursue academic excellence! Thank you, Har-Ber students!

My personal "Mom of the Year" story #258:
So about a month ago Thomas and I were playing and I noticed he started to climb (for the first time, in my defense) onto the treadmill. Most moms would probably think, Oh that's not safe and calmly remove the child and place him or her in a safe area to play. Oh,no, not me. I think, "I've got to get a picture of his first climb!"
Notice the blurry face due to gravity pulling him swiftly backwards??
The aftermath (and proof that he does cry, but not very often!!):
The bump on his head:Here's the smiling boy we all know and love a few minutes later (I promise!)
I couldn't afford another bump though, so in order to make dinner I moved my new climber into his cage, umm I mean, pack and play!
New things:
Baby T is standing on his own without support for about 3 seconds at a time.
He still laughs all of the time. Well, unless he's really tired and then he just whines! Such a good baby!!
He says, "Mmmm" for "more" and says "mama." He shakes his head "no." He makes funny babbling sounds like "girda-girda-girda"
He loves to feed himself and he likes to eat whatever Caroline and I are having! He ate all of our leftover poppy seed chicken yesterday.
He can climb stairs really well.
He loves to play catch with himself. He'll throw a ball or toy and then crawl fast after it and then throw it again.
He gets really excited and squeals when you "chase" him.
Caroline says, "I love my little brudder!" and squeezes him too tightly in hugs.
I kiss him approx 9000 times a day.
He only uses a paci when he's sleeping. (Thank you!!!!)
He places peek-a-boo at me through the slats in his crib when I go to get him up from sleeping and he laughs hysterically.
I turned his car seat around on his 1st birthday (I'm a stickler for safety rules! Although he was 20 lbs several months ago!)I cried a little about this. Seeing both my sweet kiddos faces in the rear view mirror. There aren't enough words...

The Dash

Yes, sadly I have neglected my blog once again. I have been busy enjoying the summer and at times I feel like we are busier than during the school year...but as I type that I'm thinking that maybe life is just busy year-round.

I know the following pictures are heart wrenching, but I feel it is important to share them.

My father-in-law, with the family's input, has placed the monument (I really dislike the other word for it now that I've been through this) at the cemetery. It was a long process because we all wanted it to be special, and so he went to great lengths to ensure that.
I am going to retell what Thomas did on Caroline's bathroom wall a week before the accident since it is so significant to the monument.
It was December 30th 2008, I believe, when I went to a "game night" at my good friend Laura's house. Thomas gave Caroline a bath that night before putting her to bed. When I went into her bathroom the next day, this is what I saw:
For those of you who have not had biology class in a few years (or never understood it the first time, like me) this is the Kreb cycle. Thomas was teaching our not quite 2 year old daughter the innerworkings of the cells in our bodies. (He was also practicing drawing if from memory to teach it to his AP Biology class.)
This drawing of the cycle shows how our cells use oxygen to give us LIFE. Thomas took his job teaching high school students very seriously, and he very well probably thought Caroline could handle this science since she is a very advanced little girl ;-)
So, of course, those of you who know me well, know that I do not scour the bathroom walls on a weekly (or monthly...) basis. Thank goodness. Less than a week later the accident occurred.
I was in such a daze for a while so I really don't know or remember how Thomas's family saw the bathroom wall, but they for sure knew the significance (they are all doctors.)
Thomas's older brother has since presented a couple of lectures to Thomas's former students at Har-ber High in their biology classes using Mr. Culp's drawing as the focal point of the lesson. It was a tribute lecture that involved life lessons as well as the importance of understanding biology and why Mr. Culp had a passion for education.
Thomas knew the importance of living life to the fullest. He knew also how life is fueled.
So this leads me to the pictures of the monument.
The front includes lots of words to describe Thomas: son, father, husband, biker, musician for example. It also includes the Spanish and Marshallese words for "friend" because he had such a passion for his ESL Biology class students.
(there isn't an image on the background, the picture turned out like that because of reflections):And the back includes the picture from our bathroom wall. I love that it is in his own handwriting. It also has his signature in the lower right hand corner:
I remember as a teenager hearing that poem about how our entire life is what happens in the little "dash" between the dates of your birth and death. It made an impact on me then. And I think about those dashes when I visit cemeteries. I would wonder how the person spent his or her dash and I would wonder if anyone was still alive that remembered or loved the person.
I think my father in law did an amazing job on the monument. I know anyone passing by it would be able to tell how some of Thomas's dash was spent and how much he is loved.
What's even better than that, though, is because of the kind of person he was, he made lasting impressions on everyone he met and the impact he had on his students and Caroline (and Baby T with my help) will affect the future forever.

From the "dash" poem:
"What matters is how we live and love And how we spend our dash."

I would like to add that it also matters how we are going to spend our time after the final date.

Psalm 90:12 Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

How I let go

Just for fun picture: cousins Thomas and Sarah getting their money's worth at white water!


A very good friend sent me an email after reading my post "Allowing God to Work" (see below the cousin camp post) and asked how I actually let God take control. I am not an expert at all, but I enjoy being honest and trying to share what I have learned.
I don't have the time or energy to revise my reply to my friend and I gained permission to copy and paste what I wrote here on my blog.
So I'm copying it here in all its glory (sarcasm intended.) (And I did take out names and added the picture from google/istockphoto.com)
The question asked: How did you give it (the stuff I was stubborn about trying to control) to God?
My answer:
Oh goodness. It is a long, continual process. I am glad you asked. I'll try to include it in my next post. Basically I was being stubborn and a little bitter about a few issues. I knew I was holding back from God when I prayed and when I felt bitterness toward Him about my sweet kids not having a dad. (I know they have their Father in God but I still got upset when I felt they were missing out). I also felt guilt at times for feeling happy.
I finally got to a point where I decded to pray and be honest with God about those issues (he knew anyway but He wants us to be honest and forthright with Him) So I started letting other Christian friends that I trusted know about my feelings on those issues and God gave them the right words to say to encourage and pray for me. The issues started being "fixed" before my eyes and I recognized them as answered prayers. That helped build more trust for me to let go a little more each day of the bitterness. I allowed God to really heal my heart and let the guilt go. (guilt really can eat you alive-from the inside out.) the happiness kept growing and I finally could pray completely honestly with Him and tell Him I trust His will and I won't fight against it anymore (listen to that song on my blog) and then He showed me that if I am honest He can heal faster and also all my friends stepped up a notch without me asking and helped me a lot with house and yard
work and spending time really loving my kids and I could tell God was showing me "You let go and let me work". So I have.
I am not saying it is a completed process. I have to continually (on harder days it is hourly!) pray to God to keep taking these "issues" because as a human I naturally start grabbing them back and second guessing. So I just tell Him "Here you go again, sorry I took this (fill in the blank) issue back again."


I talked to a friend about this recently and one of the amazing things about this is that all God needs is mustard seed size faith! (and mustard seeds are tiny!!) we just have to be prepared to open our hearts and trust God with the things in our life that we want to control and He can work amazing things out...even exceed our dreams for what we think we want. He is our Father and He wants better than the best for us. We just have to listen to His words in His bible and with our tiny seed of faith, believe Him, tell Him through prayer we trust and believe and then get the heck out of his way!
I hope this was coherent. I just woke up. We can talk more soon. Love you.


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Cousin Camp 2010 Part One

Aunt Jen and Uncle Mark graciously, or recklessly depending on how you see it, opened their home and acreage up to their nieces and nephews this week. We are all having a blast! High points: "Blokus-ing" Bahpah (see pic above), our own pony rides whenever we want, a humongous blow up water slide that is suitable for humans and canines apparently (see pic below), horses to feed, Oklahoma City Zoo homemade ice cream, cookouts, margaritas and we still have two whole days left! The low points: being stung on my back by a wasp and being pooped on by the Lorikeets at the zoo. Looks like the good is outweighing the bad so far (although that wasp sting really hurt; I keep saying my mantra, "it's all part of the fun, it's all part of the fun..."



































(Her daddy would stick his tongue out like this when he was working hard like she is here.)






Yes it rained off and on while at the zoo but any of you who visit zoos in the summer with children know what sweet relief it was!

Here are the awesome shirts Grandma Tracy had made for us all. The design was taken from a drawing that one of Thomas's students did for him several years ago. It reads "I rule the world...because I am a Culp." His students loved and knew him well.





Count for the record: seven adults, six children, eight dogs, fourteen horses, one pony.
And a partridge in a pear tree.

And yes baby T and Sarah are here although they don't seem to make it into my pictures very often! (Thomas on the tram through the zoo.)











Hope our other two cousins can make it next year to Cousin Camp 2011 (If jen and mark invite us back after this crazy, fun adventure!)
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