Coincidences Don't Exist

Day 2
Click Here for all of the posts in this "Write for 31 Days Series" (Thanks!)

There are times when I am certain the Holy Spirit is urging me to say something, but I know I’m not a gifted speaker. I stumble over my words and say inappropriate things, but when I know I have to say something I know now that God will give me the words that I need.

A couple of weeks ago I was particularly nervous about talking to some ladies about all that I’ve been experiencing lately and I had been praying all day for confidence. Right before I went to my car my phone alerted me that I needed to read that day’s devotional in my bible app. I usually swipe it away and forget to do it (I’m already reading another devotional each morning anyway, but this was one of those time the Holy Spirit pushed me to do it.) This is what it said…

“Then I said, “Ah, Lord God! Behold, I do not know how to speak, for I am only a youth.”  But the Lord said to me,

“Do not say, ‘I am only a youth’;

for to all to whom I send you, you shall go,

and whatever I command you, you shall speak.

Do not be afraid of them,

for I am with you to deliver you,

declares the Lord.”

Then the Lord put out his hand and touched my mouth. And the Lord said to me,

“Behold, I have put my words in your mouth.” Jeremiah 1:6-9

First, let’s be clear, I know I’m not a youth, Ha! Second, I have zero doubt in my mind that He sent me that message for me that day. And as if to put a stamp out any doubt I might have still had lingering, as I was marveling over a God that cares for my silly nerves, He had a dear friend I hadn’t talked to in a while send me a text right then that said she was thinking and praying for me.

Y’all. Many of you have been with me a long time on this journey of life, but I’m not sure you knew the cynicism and doubt that was prevalent in my life. It brings me to tears as I type this realizing how many times God tried to speak to me through all sorts of manner over the years and I would brush it off quickly telling myself I’m making a connection that isn’t really there (“It’s just a coincidence”) or thinking the whisper I heard over my spirit was coming from me out of desperation and not from the mighty Father wanting to get my attention.  I am so done with that crap. I am a new creation, again. He makes things new every. single. day. The trials my dear friends and I have been through over the last couple of months have been ones of utter despair and the greatest joys we’ve ever experienced. And you know what? He knew us so well that He knew we’d need to experience it together. Telling us the same exact words while we are apart so he could knock our socks off when we shared with each other that we heard the same things. 

I will get into some specifics of this amazingness over the next couple of weeks. For now, let’s just be quiet for a minute, tell God you are ready to hear Him, even if you’ve been a Christian for 30 years it may be time to hear Him in a NEW way, get it? Then sit back and be ready for what He tells you. It will knock your socks off, too. Try it. Right now. What have you got to lose? And when you do hear from Him, thank Him instead of brushing it off with "What a coincidence!"

“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12 ESV

“God means what he says. What he says goes. His powerful Word is sharp as a surgeon’s scalpel, cutting through everything, whether doubt or defense, laying us open to listen and obey. Nothing and no one is impervious to God’s Word. We can’t get away from it—no matter what.” Hebrews 4:12 MSG

Finishing the Blog

Please Scroll Down to Read Day 1
Click here for Day 2: Coincidences Don't Exist
Day 3: Anxiety and the Weather
Day 4: Wal-Mart and Ministry
Day 5: Move it, MOVE IT!
Day 6: The Road Not Taken
Day 7: Tools for Anxiety
Day 8: Hitting the Snooze
Day 9: Rest 
Day 10: Painful Post
Day 11: Love Much Hurt Much
Day 12: New Mercies 
Day 13: Grace
Day 14: Remember
Day 15: Stress
Day 16: Brave
Day 17: Trajectory 
Day 18: Finishing the Race
Day 19: Memory Loss
Day 20: Deliverance 
Day 21: Waiting
Day 22: Why? 
Day 23: Fear
Day 24: In Alert Expectancy
Day 25: Date and Dung
Day 26: Fried Snickers or Fruit 
Day 27: Imperfect Progress 
Day 28: Laughable
Day 29: Boxes
Day 30: Jesus in Scrubs
Day 31: A Bruce Goodbye

Day 1

I’m giving myself 31 days to finish this “Sweetcarolinebaby” blog that has been like a dear friend to me, she’s let me process grief and joy with her for 8 years now, but it’s time to grow and stretch a bit.

Whew, that's hard to take in. What is helping is God's new vision for the blog that He's given me just a snippet of so far. I hope it's a much clearer vision when November 1st rolls around, so for now I'm just trusting God with this leap of faith. It's tough. It's vulnerable. It's time.

The day I decided for sure this blog was going to be something new and different was the day my devotional (Jesus Calling--ps buy it now if you don't have it) said "Each of my children is a unique blend of temperament, giftedness, and life experiences...Beware of trying to impress others by acting as if your giant steps are only baby ones." Y'all. This is a giant step. Just so we are clear. :)

And I want you to know my ol' blog “Sweetcarolinebaby” is precious to me, but c’mon what a silly name! I remember vividly when and where I was when I chose that name. (Which in itself is a miracle, because God did not give me a good memory!)

It was December 28^th, 2006. Thomas and I had finally settled on the name Caroline for our first born baby. Back then blogging was a new fad, so starting up my blog I tried the name “sweetcaroline,” well there were a few more bloggers than I realized because pretty much every combo of it was taken, except “sweetcarolinebaby.” So there it was. You can see I had no idea the blog would outlast Caroline’s baby years, ha! She’s now a beautiful, intuitive, amazing 7.5 year old with two front teeth missing. 

Precious babies photographed by precious friend Staci

  Our family’s blog had barely started when the unthinkable happened and while 6 weeks pregnant with our second child, less than a month before sweet Caroline turned 2, my husband hit an icy patch on a road a mile from our home and went on to his forever home. You can read the post about it here.

Over the years of processing my grieving journey I found how my story and blog would help people. Strangers and friends would tell me how they received encouragement from my story and it opened up new friendships as well as sparked a desire in my heart to write more. It’s so amazing how God can give us new gifts or passions in our elderly years…or 30s, whichever….it all did surprise me though. Really? Just sharing what’s in my crazy head can help others? Oh, but that’s exactly right! When we share it lets others not feel alone or crazy by themselves! Isn’t that what we are called to do? Didn’t God design us that way? That’s why the Griefshare tagline is “Grief shared is grief diminished.” Amen. Don’t let satan tell you your story is shameful or not important! He wants to keep it in the dark where it seems “safe.” God tells us to bring everything into the light! Don’t think that it’s easy to do this. I have to pray every day for courage and strength to share and be open to what God asks. And every day He provides it. Without fail.

 “Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven. Matthew 5:14-16 MSG

I’ve known for a while that a new blog was coming, I just didn’t know how or when. Then several of my friends went through separate (and are still going through) major life crises. One of the main themes God has brought to our attention is how He makes things new, if we let Him. Not just restored, or better…He makes them NEW. 

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh.” Ezekiel 36:26

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!” 2 Cor 5:17

Why is that significant? Because we don’t even want things to be like they were before the crisis hit. We NEED them to be new. A new creation, a new start…hmmm a new blog seemed to fit “for such a time as this.”

I cannot get that phrase out of my mind. I feel like Sean Astin’s character in Goonies down at the bottom of the well, needing to give my speech to rally the troops, 

“ The next time you see sky, it'll be over another town. The next time you take a test, it'll be in some other school. Our parents, they want the bestest stuff for us. But right now they gotta do what's right for them, 'cause it's their time. Their time, up there. Down here it's our time. It's our time down here. That's all over the second we ride up Troy's bucket. “

Y'all. First of all, doesn't that movie just take you back to a magical place...and if it doesn't, welcome to 1989.

Anyway, this IS our time. The only time we have. And God is putting into motion a new revival like none we’ve ever seen or experienced. We want…no, we NEED you to be a part of this.  No it’s not Troy’s bucket staring us in the face, but it’s an adventure for sure. Listen to that quiet whisper in your soul that is nudging you toward something bigger than yourself. I will attempt to delve into the aspects of this “new” thing over the next 30 days. Yes, you heard me right, I’m accepting the challenge from one of my favorite authors, Emily Freeman and her sister, and writing for 31 days straight. Yes, it seems impossible to me, too. I’m the one who blogs once a month, maybe. It’s not that I don’t have a lot to say, whew, ask my bible study girls, I am LONG WINDED when it comes to emails, texts, conversations, so maybe this will give them a break too. I’m going to let it out here, If you’ll allow it. Until tomorrow, say a prayer if you don't mind for this "new" thing He is doing and ask how He wants you to be a part of it. It’s not a fad, someone wanting to sell anything or anything you'll have to add to your schedule…It’s about how to reach out and grab a hand of someone you know or someone you don’t know and say, “Come run with me, Let’s help each other to the finish.” Thanks y'all.

If:Prayer

God has been more real to me over the last few months than my entire life. I know it sounds so utterly weird, especially everything I've been through already, but it's true. I am not sure how to explain it properly, but I will try over the next month in blog posts. Stay tuned :)

On a related, but separate note I am obeying God's nudge to host a prayer gathering at my house Tuesday, Sept 23rd. I've been following Jennie Allen's "If" vision for a while now and after some soul searching and praying I have personally experienced the importance of what she's doing. She's obeying and because of God she has helped unite women across the country and the world for the purposes of spreading Jesus' message.

I am so desperate for every single person I know, and yes of course, people I don't know yet--to experience Jesus the way I have. It's not magic, it's not just for a select few, it is real and for EVERYONE. It is rocking my world to have the scales on my eyes lifted and see just how broken our world is. Everyone is hurting over something. Everyone. You are not alone. I want people to know they aren't alone so they can begin to heal with Jesus' help and friends that are real.

If you aren't able to come to our prayer gathering on Tuesday, consider hosting your own or praying on your own. You'll be joined by thousands around the world that night. So we all know we aren't alone, we are being heard. His Spirit is being poured out, y'all. Be a part of it.

http://ifgathering.com/2014/09/get-involved-in-ifpray/

The Best Yes

You know that feeling when you open a closet to clean it, and then you shut the door and walk away because it's just too overwhelming? Yeah, that's me and this blog post.

I have probably T-minus nine minutes while Ethan is still napping, Thomas is preoccupied and the laundry isn't going anywhere. Unfortunately.
There is WAY too much to cover about how the last couple of months has taught me, but if I don't write it down I might forget and then a day will come when I'll need to remember, you know what I mean?
So here it goes, unedited, honesty junk:

1. God is alive and well. He is active in every detail and "happening" that goes on, it's just up to us to take time to notice Him. The more I'm acknowledging this, the more He's making Himself obvious to me.

2. I am grateful I'm seeing why God led me to the word "Rest" for this year and how my dear friend Heather took me off the teaching schedule this fall. Hallelujah, God knew I would need some time and energy for other endeavors (that sounds lofty, maybe the word "needs" is better than endeavors, whatever, I don't have time for my thesaurus!)

3. When you really need to take time and talk to God, He will help with that. And it may be a huge poopy diaper explosion involving carseats, clothes, bathtubs (yes, multiple tubs...) and it's all about attitude...right? RIGHT?! Good grief.

4. Even when there's a lot of poop or just the crap of life happening, there is JOY. Yes, always. We went to Florida this summer and I was determined to not just post smiley, happy pictures so that all of social media will think our life is pinterest-perfect (HELLO! It's NOT and No one else's is either, so just quit with that thinking!)
I decided I wanted to post the "what's really going on with this picture" posts. A couple of days into doing it I realized how far I had come in the area of really owning the reality that happiness is based on circumstances, joy, however is the bedrock of my foundation! The joy of the Lord is my strength. Over and over again I would post a picture and then tell the bad/negative behind the scenes stuff...but the thing was that bad stuff (1,000 degree heat, screaming child right before the pic was taken, bucket load of spit up right after a pic was taken etc) didn't change the joy of the moments for me. Hallelujah, praise Jehovah.
 Not so long ago, spit up so huge, at a beach side restaurant, that it puddled in my dress between my legs and dripped through...seriously...would have meant that we all had to load up and go home so I could be sad, mad, showered, whatever. Not anymore...I chose joy. I was grateful they already had a whole roll of paper towels on the table (shoutout to Harry T's!), grateful I had chosen to wear blue stripes that (mostly) hid the giant stain, grateful we could continue on with our night out with the kids and not ruin everyone's fun with a pity party!

5. Ps I'm not perfect at #4. I still have pity parties, but I'm celebrating my imperfect progress.

6. Which brings me to Lysa Terkeurst. Some girls from our weekly bible study group went to see her speak Sunday night at the NWA Women's Conference. Holy cow. Here's some golden gems from it:
  a) Go where wisdom gathers, not where wisdom scatters. You want to be wise? Go where wise people go, be with wise people and do what wise people do.
  b)Shift your focus from the the problem to the promises (of God.)
  c) Obeying His instruction today will give us more discernment/keen awareness for what tomorrow holds.
  d) Just because we feel a certain way, doesn't mean we have to be a certain way.
  e) Learn to bend without breaking. This is life. It is and will be hard at times.
  f) We won't hit the mark everyday---GRACE----but we will keep showing up day after day to try again.
  g) Unrush me. It's people, not projects. Look for divine appointments each day. (He always has them for us, we just need to slow down to see them.)
  h) Abigail (from Old Testament) didn't know she'd be a star in the bible! She just obeyed God and it happened. We don't realize how important we are. (Or how our story intertwines in divine ways with other people's stories....I made that up, but I believe it's true and I think Lysa would back me up.)
  i) We are all Burdened, Busy, and Blessed...not every assignment is ours, but in the middle of all those "Bs" look for God's assignment for us. Look for "us" in the "rUSh" of life.

7. Thank you God for letting me run into a lady yesterday I had never met and she said she read my blog...I will never quit being shocked that people keep reading this and how you encourage me to keep at it, even when the laundry is looming and it's time to get in that looooong car rider line.

Thanks for reading this ramble if you've made it this far. Please take a minute to look around you and decide where your "Best Yes" should be for you today. We canNOT do it all.

ps I'm not getting paid or anything for pushing this book, but y'all...it's an amazing message. The author is also donating 100% of proceeds to Christian initiatives around the world.

This post is part of Lysa TerKeurst’s “The Best Yes” Blog Tour which I am delighted to be a part of along with many other inspiring bloggers.  To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE. (http://goo.gl/bQVJW0)

www.thebestyes.com

How Obedience Blessed Me

Being obedient. What does that mean? Today, for me, it meant going through my "to do" list around the house while consciously not going to my phone for "filler" entertainment. I have learned that when you are trying to quit doing something or change your ways you need to insert something in its place to help enforce the new habit. For me it has been praying and being intentionally in the moment. Tyler and I are working on being intentional in our marriage as well as with our kids.

I read a blog post from a local writer this week that helped me put a word to what I am trying to do and it is to be "present." (You can read his post here by the way.) There are many ways to be "present" in a situation, but today I'm focusing on my phone. Obviously, reading online and being into social media is NOT a bad thing necessarily, I am encouraged and uplifted by many articles and posts on the internet, however when it becomes a priority to "check in" too often to the point of ignoring another human in the room, that's when I know I need a gut check. Being present is harder than it sounds at first thought.

When feeding Ethan I am obviously there with him, but my mind tends to think about multitasking and how it would be a great time to work on my grocery list or send that email to that person or just shut my eyes or or or...."stop." I have been intentional in praying about areas I need to work on myself and God has been blessing those prayers with His help. I hear Him telling me the Truth in that moment my mind starts to race in several directions about what I can be/should be doing...Like a whisper to my heart I can hear Him telling me, "Stop. Bonnie, you say you want to live without regrets, you say you want to enjoy your kids, your husband...just be here and be present in this work right now. This is your season of life, quit looking to the next season so often." So I obey, I push my phone away and instead say a quick prayer for Ethan's health, his future. I then look at him and sing a super silly song with him. "I love you Ethan, Oh yes I do, I love you Ethan, It's true. I love you Ethan, I do, Oh Ethan, I love you." As I sing to him, I'm rewarded for my obedience, I am flooded with memories of singing that song to Thomas, with his name, over the years (which is a miracle, because I have a terrible memory) and I can also see Ethan looking directly at me in my eyes, smiling behind his bottle and giggling every so quietly, I can barely see him now because of the tears in my own eyes as I marvel over this unexpected life in my arms. 

And then I thank God, with my eyes wide open for the blessing of that moment that would now have happened had I given in to the urge to see what other people are doing or saying about things that don't really matter for me right then. All of that will always be there, but Ethan in my arms, wanting to hear me sing to him will not. Thank you Lord for showing me obedience is not about a set of rigid rules, but a lighted path to the blessings You have in store for me.

I have this on my phone as a reminder..click here to get  your iphone wallpaper

Prayers and Paper Plates

I got the news just a few hours ago. Another young, momma was widowed last night. My heart breaks for her as she faces a day that is different than any she has ever experienced, as she realizes her new normal has to be established.

Circumstances and the way grief plays out for people cannot be compared or even necessarily anticipated, but the one thing I know as the honest truth is that God holds grievers in a way that forever changes them and the way they approach life. I have had the privilege of being put in contact with precious new widows from all over the country. Their stories are as varied and different, but everyone wants to know the same answer to the same question voiced in as many ways as there are grains of sand: Will I be okay?

Each time I try to answer the question it always comes back to them as a different question, "Do you know God?" or "Are you willing to know Him?" Because the short answer, for most people is "Yes, you'll be okay." But I am anxious for those grieving to know a much better place than "okay." It does take some time...and it takes so many tears that I don't even want to think about and it takes understanding that living with the pain of grief continues forever (as depressing as that sounds, it's true) but if you are willing to take the long, hard work of grieving with God then you can be more than okay, you will thrive. I want them to know it is a promise from God that He will turn their ashes into beauty and their mourning into dancing. It is the God honest Truth.

 And as I type that out and know it to be true to the depths of my soul, I know that in the beginning of the grief, those first weeks and months it feels the entire world has been turned upside down and the only thing that helps are the prayers from the people that surround the griever. These people are the hands and feet of Jesus as He mends the griever's broken heart as only He knows how to do. The people that just show up without being asked with paper plates, chick-fil-a nuggets, and a hand to hold. But these people also know to not stay too long or expect a thank you card because the griever is going through a physical and mental exhaustion unlike anything they've ever experienced. The people that know to take the trash out and run the dishwasher because chores do not stop although the griever does. The people that the griever knows best can ask to take their kid(s) to the park because kids don't stop wanting to play although the momma doesn't have the energy, but has all the guilt of not being able to do it right now. No one needs to worry about flowery sentiments or the perfect Psalm to tell the griever at this point. He or she won't ever remember specifics during this time, they will remember the faces, hugs, tears shared, and being reminded that they are not in this alone.

Then one sweet day in the not too distant future, their pain turns from technicolor to black and white. They will recognize the beauty and peace provided for them, so much of it in fact they will have to share it with another new griever that comes along. The abundance of God's love is too much not to share. It has to overflow. And He uses the hearts He's mended to be the ones to do it.

"And the grace of our Lord was exceeding abundant with faith and love which is in Christ Jesus" 1 Timothy 1:14

To God be the glory.

God's Post-it Note

This year my one word resolution is "rest." It's been such a freeing time in my life to allow myself to rest. That may sound strange to some people, but to a recovering people pleaser/run to the next thing on my list type of person it isn't. I read somewhere that you know you need to re-evaluate life when you don't mind getting sick because it gives you an excuse to get rest without feeling guilty. That's where I was a year or so ago. Thanks be to God that He directs my paths to learn about these areas I need to address in my life to feel peaceful. God says He will take our burdens and His yoke is light, so when I start feeling heavy I know that it's time for some vertical realignment.

 It takes a daily, sometimes hourly, reminding that my spirit being fed first is what will keep my peaceful attitude. My friend Julie encouraged me to sign up for the IF:Equip email each day and read through Acts with the online community. It has been so uplifting and not intimidating at all. In the past I felt I had to read whole chapters or even a book of the bible each day to get my "fill." The ladies with "IF" have broken it down into a few verses each day to read and reflect on. It is amazing how much I miss when I speed read through chapters. These last couple of days it's been focusing on Acts 4 and how boldly uneducated Peter speaks to the people about the miracles he's witnessed. Peter and John are told to stop speaking or teaching about Jesus and then in Acts 4:20 they say "...we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard."

They can't not tell people about the wonders of God's power. And the same is true for anyone who has experienced it. I cannot stop telling anyone who will sit still long enough about the way God carried me from the darkest pit to a place where I can see and appreciate life again on a whole new level. I never would have dreamed that a nightmare could be replaced with such an appreciation for life that I fully embrace it and want others so desperately to know the freedom to be found in God alone.

Ethan is over two months old now. So young that his time is still measured in months, but this precious little boy represents the beauty that can come from ashes. His blue eyes melt me. Thomas can't quit saying "What a little cutie!" and  smothering loving on him. Caroline wants to hold him and change some diapers. We are cherishing this time together as the gift that it is.
I am about 420 months old. Wouldn't it be funny if we continued to talk in months instead of years about our age? I am painfully aware that our days are numbered, yet today several friends of mine are walking the path of being told a specific number of days are left for their loved ones right now and it has been a reminder, even to me, of how ridiculously short the time is we have together here. 420 months so far for me...Acts 4:20 speaking today to me. It's one of God's holy post-it notes He left for me today...I can't not tell someone today about God's faithfulness.