Coping

Caroline's first beach vacation at St. George Island, Florida 2007

I am having the hardest time coming up with titles for these entries. How do you put a word or phrase on what we are going through?
I also just realized my last blog entry was my 100th one. "Woo" for me.
I wish I could thank each one of you personally for each card and message being sent my way (through the blog and Facebook,) but I just honestly do not have the energy yet. Just know that each one helps me so much. The prayers are continually getting me through each day. People want to ask how I am doing and I can tell you that I am alive, eating some, sleeping some, kissing Caroline and trying to get all of the paperwork finished. I had no idea at the amount of paperwork and meetings that have to be done all while you are trying to grieve.
I read my sweet friend Tara's blog entry and I have to say I am also one who would rather not "deal" with hard things and push them aside as much as possible. I am dealing with this new reality in very small doses at a time and I am hopeful I will eventually be able to come to terms with this. It will be a long road. One of the most frustrating things is my lack of energy, especially in regards to Caroline. Of course, anyone in her first trimester understands that, but in addition to the stress it makes it so hard I can hardly walk for lack of energy.
Caroline has enjoyed having "Mimi" here this week and loves playing with Lakyn and Canaan. Caroline is always a joy and can always bring a smile to my face without fail.
Each day I have been hearing from Thomas' students and the impact he had on their lives. It is amazing. I enjoy reading about them so much.
When I'm having one of my many "down" moments I keep thinking about how Thomas and I never took each other, or anything for that matter, for granted. God put on my heart to write Thomas a note to him last Sunday night before he had to go back for teacher inservice. I couldn't find paper and almost gave up until I saw some junk mail from the Sierra Club (I'll need to thank them some day for sending that paper!) I wrote how thankful I was that he worked so hard so that I could stay home with Caroline and that I loved him. I put it with his keys in our laundry room. After the horrible Monday, I thought about that note, but was nervous to ask about it-what if he threw it out or it fell to the ground without him seeing it? I mentioned it to Travis and Jacob and they said they remembered seeing it in his car! Jacob went back to the car and rescued it for me. The accident happened so close to our house that I know without a doubt the love I have for him was on his mind when he went to heaven. I take so much solace in that. Thank you, God.

Please tell everyone you love them everyday. We are not promised tomorrow. In fact, we are told that life will bring us trouble in the bible. It will happen. Just as that is a promise, so is the promise in the bible that we are saved and will all meet again in heaven.The first day at our new church building (Mt. Comfort) a little over a year ago.

I also want to say how much our church, Mt. Comfort Church of Christ (formerly North Street Church of Christ) has helped myself and family through these difficult weeks. I knew we had something special there, but it is beyond my limited vocabulary to describe the love and compassion they have shown us. Every where I turn there is someone from church bringing meals, calling, visiting to help with paperwork or praying. I love them all so much and I know I will be leaning on them for years to come. I also have heard from so many others how impressed they have been with our church and I am so happy our friends and family can see what Thomas, Caroline and I have had at our church all along. (We began going there in college.)
That is all for now. Just know that I appreciate each and every prayer and comment/message you send my way. Love you all, Bonnie

Terrible Tragedy

I really am at a loss for words. Such conflicting emotions. I am so sad and tired, yet so amazed at the outpouring of love and prayers from friends and people I do not even know from around the world. I haven't said the words out loud and having to type them is almost as bad. Thomas went to heaven Monday, January 5th 2009. I really cannot believe I am writing this, but I have so much to say and I believe it will be of value to Caroline and new baby in years to come. At this point, I am only able to say a few things that I feel I have to write and then I will fill in more details and stories in days, weeks and years to come.
We went to church Sunday January 4th, ate lunch with family and friends, spent the evening watching Planet Earth and playing with Caroline, eating ice cream for dessert, and went to sleep, Thomas woke up to go to school early on Monday morning. He kissed me goodbye, I was still in bed, but awake. He got in the car after getting my love note (for lack of a better description!--see next post,) buckled his seat belt and two minutes later he hit an icy patch on a bridge and went to heaven. I got a call around an hour after the accident telling me to come to the hospital. Another hour later they gave me the news.
First and foremost, I have a peace that Thomas (my devoted, precious husband) is in heaven and he has been able to see the love and events that have been happening this week. God is good. I can still say that and believe in it with all of my being even after the tragedy.
Secondly, I would not be able to type this, get out of bed, play with Caroline or anything for that matter if it was not for the prayers being lifted up by everyone constantly. Please continue to do so for as long as you possibly can.
Just to clear the air a little more...Thomas and I are pregnant. We had not told anyone (except for my sister Becky, and I wasn't supposed to!) because it was so early in our pregnancy. We had planned on sharing the news by having Caroline wear a "big sister" t-shirt to her 2nd birthday party coming up in a few weeks. While at the hospital Monday morning I told the doctors who came to give me an update that I was pregnant because I was desperate for them to do all that they could to save him (I know that they were, but like I said I was desperate.) Apparently others heard me and somehow our special announcement ended up on the TV news for all to hear (I am okay with this now, it allowed more people to pray more specifically, but it did take away the joy of being able to announce it to our friends and family.) A few other things they got wrong in the report-Caroline is 23 months old and I am on a year leave from working at Harp Elementary and most importantly Thomas was using his seatbelt.
I know those of you close to me have heard me talk about this so much--you can skip this paragraph!
We are faithful seatbelt wearers and when the policeman came to talk to me at the hospital that morning that wasn't even a question in my mind, about his use of a seatbelt, so I did not even think to ask him about it. (The policeman did not share with me any details, he was just giving condolences.) I did not find out until the next day from a friend that the television news stations had all reported the false information about the seatbelt not being used. It was like a knife to my heart. My friends went to the car, saw the seat belt still buckled in and where the firemen had cut it off of him. My sister's co-worker's husband was the fireman on the scene who was one of the men who cut off the seatbelt. I say all of this because I know in the past when I heard (which I will never do again) of an accident where a seatbelt was not being used, I might get mad at that person or feel that they should have known better, etc. This can be a lesson for everyone to not believe everything they hear in the media.
I especially did not want Caroline, new baby or any of the thousands of students to think of their Dad, teacher, friend as being irresponsible or reckless. I am coming to a peace about this so please do not think I have any ill feelings toward the police department! They work tirelessly for our safety and I appreciate them all very much. The policeman who visited me that morning had very kind words for me and I could tell he was very broken up about the situation.
I know KNWA and the Morning News ran new stories with the correct information and I am so, so, so, grateful. Please let me know who else you have read or saw that corrected the information so that I can thank them. *I have since heard that all of the stations and newspapers have reported the correct information.*
The thought of trying to come up with words to thank my friends and family for being with me through this is daunting. One day I will have the words. Right now all I can say is simply "THANK YOU!" The constant company, food, calls, texts, and e-mails I treasure. I also appreciate all the help with the house and the "technical" aspects of all that is going on. I may never even know all of the things that were done for us.
I know this sounds silly, but I am also thankful for Facebook, I don't know what I would be doing without it. I read each and every posting that is sent to me or to his "In Memory of Mr. Culp" page set up by his students. Try the link: http://www.facebook.com/inbox/?ref=mb#/group.php?gid=48331982233&ref=ts
I love the stories and memories posted there.
His precious students (and faculty): I love you and I know you are hurting so much, too. Let's get through this together to make Mr. Culp proud. You can ask our friends about this, but he never quit talking about you guys. Seriously, all the time. He loves you so.
Please keep in touch, In Christ-Bonnie

Merry Christmas!

We went to see the lights on the Fayetteville Square and eat at Tim's pizza (she loves meatballs, crackers and ranch) a couple of weeks ago. She kept saying, "Tree on!" when she saw the lights.

Below are two pictures from last year's trip to the square to see how she's grown!





This was from our first snow, I believe December 1st. She loved it! The snowsuit is a little big, but it kept her warm!

Thomas took some pictures for our Christmas card this year at Carnall Hall. I won't put the picture we chose here so that you all can be surprised when you get it in the mail. Any blog lurkers that I do not know will have to wait to see it posted here in a few weeks :-)
Momma, Caroline and Aunt B (and baby boy! Shofner-I don't know if they've told the name to everyone yet) in front of Mimi's Christmas tree.
Another picture from our Christmas card photo shoot. She looks like she's modeling for a catalog!

Caroline and I have had a lot of snuggle time this week as Caroline ran fever from last Sunday until Thursday! We went to the doctor on Tuesday and he said it a virus (viral pharyngitis.) She's doing so much better now and we are very thankful! She is now saying "Bless you" when someone sneezes and "I of you!" for I love you without prompting! It is so fun to see her learning and growing each day (have I mentioned that before?)
We are so excited about Christmas this year! I put out our nativity scene from Grandma Tracy and I thought I put it out of her reach until one day she was very quiet in the next room. I went to check on her and she was very carefully holding baby Jesus with both of her hands cupped around him. Just staring at him. When I asked her what she was doing she said, "Baby Jesus, night-night" Precious.
I hope everyone has a very Merry Christmas. I can't wait to write about the fun adventures we are about to have with ALL of the Culps together next week. Caroline and four cousins and too many dogs to count!

Sweet Caroline

My baby continues to grow up! In the last few weeks she has been putting several words together to make sentences!! It's so amazing to be conversing with my baby! (Can I keep calling her "baby?") The other day she ate all of her applesauce by herself she looked at me from across the kitchen and said, "Mama happy!" It was so sweet, I almost cried. I told her I was happy! She then said, "Mimi happy! Dadda happy!" etc. She still says "aynk you" for Thank You almost every time without prompting and "me-me" for excuse me after burping or other "noises." She says, "mama pees!" for "Please." She can name almost all of her colors. Lakyn has been trying to teach her to sing her ABC's but she likes to sing "A,D,A,D" She can count "one, two" and sometimes "three" objects. Every morning I feel like she has changed and can do something she did not do the day before!

We have fun together every day reading dozens of books (a few we read a dozen time each!), going to the library, swinging at the park, singing "You're a Grand Ole' Flag whenever we see an American flag, and playing hide and seek in our house (the pantry is her new favorite hiding spot!) We have had time to bake together which she loves! She likes eating "balls" (meatballs) and marinara, cheese, any fruit and chick-fil-a nuggets. She loved going to the Walton Arts Center and seeing The Very Hungry Caterpillar. She laughed and clapped the whole time. Her favorite part is when the caterpillar eats too many sweets and gets a tummy ache. She kept yelling "no!" when they names each treat!
She helped put our Christmas tree up this year and as soon as we get up in the morning she says, "Tree on!" So we plug the lights on, turn on Christmas music and do what she loves the most...Dance!! She tries to sing along with Jewel's "O Holy Night."
We have so much to be thankful for this year: Caroline, our health, family, friends, our church and so many new additions on the way-Aunt B and Uncle T's baby, Canaan's little sister, Jack's little brother.
We hope you have a very blessed and happy Thanksgiving.

Happy Shower and Surprise B-day Tara!

Here are my girls at my house! Tennille, Becky (and baby Shofner,) Tara (and Hayden,) and me. I'm really not that much shorter...they all must have tall boots on. (right??)

Tara is a special friend to me. We met when I came to the University and joined the Razorbacks for Christ. She introduced me to everyone and we made lots of fun memories while in college (Trips: skiing, Dublin TX, Cotton Bowl to name a few...) Who knew that Tara would have the perfect younger brother for my younger sister! The rest is history!

Lakyn and Caroline enjoying the yumm-o cupcakes I made for Tara. I wrote a "30" on each of them and I now have a new found appreciation for cake decorators.

Here's the adorable cake that I did not make! Hayden's cake came from "The Cake Lady." She even delivers, so e-mail me if you want her info!

Tara knew about the shower, but not about her birthday party! I realize after hosting a few events that I do not have time to take pictures and accomplish my other hostess duties! So you'll have to visit Becky's blog for more pics! It was so much fun surprising her! Jacob got her favorite barbecue from Whole Hog catered for it and we all enjoyed watching the slideshow he made for her. Happy Early Birthday, Tara!

Fall Fun

We started our "fall fun" with a trip to the pumpkin patch. We went to Dickey Farm this year McGarrah is too far now :-(

I look at this picture and cannot believe that is my baby girl! She is growing so fast and is becoming more beautiful, funny, sweet and smart each day!

This was the pumpkin she chose for herself.

Halloween was a blast this year! Caroline even enjoyed wearing her ladybug costume! Luckily it was warm enough to forgo the turtleneck!

We threw a party and had a great time. Aunt B's "Kitty Litter" was a hit! (That's a real litter box and scoop--"real" meaning new from Wal-mart!)

Here's the gals! Funny group-cheerleader, Angela and Pam from The Office, Tina Fey as Sarah Palin (with the flute,) batgirl, 80s girls, pregnant chad and pregnant pause!

The guys. Prom date, two Dwights and Jim from The Office, a democrat wanting a handout, 80s guy, The Joker and John McCain.

The kiddos!

We took the kids to campus for a photo shoot (sans Thomas, which means I tried my best!)

At times like this I wish I was a real writer who can describe how beautiful the trees and leaves on the ground look at UofA. They had so much fun because it was windy and the leaves would blow all around them!

Notice our little ones at the trunk of this gorgeous tree!

They are actually holding hands. We took so many of pictures of this that Tara joked they were almost to Dickson street before we stopped them!

We are all so blessed and have so much to be thankful for this season!

Growing up!

8 Weeks

18 months

Our baby girl is growing up. I finally changed the picture at the top of our blog to a more recent photo. It made me really sentimental to have to do that! She is talking up a storm and we are even discussing the crib-to-toddler bed transition that may happen very soon! Don't get me wrong, I am loving every moment of this stage! She is saying "Hank you" (thank you) and "me-me" (excuse me) without even being asked! She is so polite.
A couple of weeks ago she pointed out an American Flag at a car dealership as we were driving on the interstate and I belted out (I am a great singer in the car with just Caroline and I...) "You're A Grand Old Flag!" She loved it so much that she now looks for the USA flag as we drive and every time she see one she shouts, "Mo!"(more!) (There are a lot of patriotic people in NW Arkansas. I never realized how many flags are flying!)
She has such a sweet, beautiful spirit.
Last night, as I was rocking her to sleep (yes, I still rock her, and I will until she tells me she does not want me to!) she sat up and said, "Bible?" So I handed her the tiny pink New Testament, She said, "Bible!" so I gave her the white tiny New Testament. She put them on my chest and laid down on top of them to go to sleep. It made me remember that I heard desperate students would put text books under their pillows hoping through osmosis or something that they would learn the content. I think, though, that she just loves her bibles and wanted them close to our hearts as she fell asleep. Have Faith like a child!
It's hard to believe your love can keep growing every day when you feel like your already overflowing with it!